I will give the backstory. I lived in Europe for a while and returned to Scotland about 10 years ago. On return I reconnected with three friends who I’ve now known about 25 years.
I found it harder to make friends being back and once again we became close, doing a lot of things together.
1.5 years ago following a conversation, one of the friends accused me of doing something I didn’t do - then text the group that. I was devastated as I take treating people very seriously and did not. She told me not to contact her. That was also v hard as my natural inclination would be to resolve right away. To be honest, I suffered with this everyday as I thought she was such a good friend. She also never messaged again in the group.
I left it over 9 months and wrote an email saying I was sorry on my side for anything I might have done or misunderstood (even though I don’t believe I did anything wrong.) I expected her to apologise for wrongly accusing me. But she did not.
A couple of months ago and she reached out asking if I wanted to come to an event with the group of friends. I was shocked she was in touch and considered for a while what to do. I decided to be honest (which was more effort, but I am sincere and would like to resolve) so I said I’ve realised why I still feel badly - because she has not apologised. And whilst it may not resolve after all this time, it might help. She said that ‘what happened, happened’ and didn’t ask for an apology and wouldn’t be giving one.
Her final comments were me not agreeing to meet up is effecting the group.. and she feels sorry for the other friends.. 🤦♀️ I don’t know if she was trying to make me feel badly, but if so, it worked.
Essentially she accused me of something, had a very long tantrum and now she has finished, wants me to meet up without an apology.
I have tried to forgive her without an apology, but I simply do not feel ok. My only other alterative is to try to forget her. Unfortunately we have to meet at group events sometimes. All this time, I would have loved to have resolved, bar it doesn’t seem possible.
You may ask what she accused me of. She was pregnant and had decided not to come to our wedding. I was upset by this, but had accepted it. She said I was trying to make her feel guilty, which I definitely was not. Separately, I have since had a daughter myself, and would definitely still be there for someone at that time, but that’s irrelevant.
My question:
AIBU: to not find a way to forgive?
If so, I would be glad of any techniques to do so.
YANBU: to still feel badly and probably best to try to forget her and move on.