Want my abusive violent son out!!

Hi, I am in a similar position. My son is almost 16. He is aggressive towards me. Breaks things round the home. I’m not allowed in his room, but I know he vapes in there, despite me asking him not to vape in my home. We are under local medical services for him having asd and adhd as well as mental health problems, but he now refuses to go
to all appointments and has stopped taking his medications.
I’m scared in my own home.
I have called the police on him twice and we have had many welfare checks because of his mental health. Despite police checks and social services being aware. I have had no support. I have done the parenting courses they recommended just to tick a bl00dy box.

I have no advice. I just wanted to share that you aren’t alone.

I'm sorry your going through this op. Sadly I got ripped apart on MN when i posted the same thing . Its great that you are getting very good advice and hopefully there's more understanding of child to parent violence.

My ds was a little older 16 so in some ways little easier. I did kick my ds out . Because I could not cope anymore and the effect it had on my other children he stayed with his older sister for a while.

We did have a social worker for a short while . She did piss me of because she was going on about things not realivent like our dinner routine. I was like my son is violent and you want to know our dinner pattern. I was plunt to her and her manager . And they backed of us as a family but gave DS his own social worker. Which was needed .

We had a referral to CAMHS but they did reject. Sadly it was only when DS tried to kill himself that they suddenly wanted to know. DS has done alot of work with CAMHS he was seeing them for a long time . And did alot of work with them regarding his mental heath. He's still under CAMHS but at more arms length.

I done a course that was for parents of children with emotional dysregulation. Although the problem was with my son and not with anything I had done wrong . Doing that course did make me feel heard and that I was not the only one going through it. It also explores different ways to parent. Things like picking your battles. That taking their Xbox away is not always the best thing to do if you have a violent child. There were lots of things to be honest . But it did help..

Education wise I deregistered ds . He's was also meant to be home educated. But that was impossible. But im hoping he will want to continue his education at some point.

Ds is in a much better place now . The violence has stopped he does still have mental health issues that are complex. He's in supported accommodation but still spends alot of time at home . And ges much more pleasant now . But hard work also . Hes soon to be going into semi independent living for people with mental heath difficulties .

So things can get better . Not sure if it was helpful to share my story . But please except any help offered . Even if it is a parenting course do it anyway my its something for you . For you to feel heard and you can explore things m I hope things get better for you soon 💐

@Burntt I'm aghast and appalled at how you were unsupported and gaslighted. It's absolutely terrible that you had to take this to court!!!!
This country is infuriating me at the moment.

Or non existent. I had a teen once who had to stay in a hospital ward for several weeks until a placement was found for them. They had no medical need to be there, but there was literally nowhere for them to go.

Yes. SS resist taking children like this into care partly because the alternative options are usually dire

I would like to know where these specialist community homes for troubled teens exist ?
Or specialist foster care .

An immature man is not a child. A 13 year old boy is a child.They don't all develop at the same rate. There is nothing unusual about it because it's a fact.

You have done an incredible job with your son, but enough is enough. You have other children who deserve a happy mum. You have tried to keep him in school, you've tried to home school. He is physically assaulting you and without intervention this will only worsen as he grows bigger & stronger and more frustrated. You need to document every interaction between you and your son (and his siblings). After any assault you must call the police (further documentation). You must explain your despair to Social Services and that you cannot carry on like this. You are probably looking at your son being taken into a community home for troubled teens, or a specialist foster home. For you, your other children and for him you must do something before a tragedy happens.

If it's flagged up often enough, the child will get help @wastingtimeonhere

I get why people say call the police, but what happens if you don't get the response you want. IME, it can take 3 days before they turn up to take a statement and issue a crime number.
Then CPS has to agree there is a case.
Then, a magistrate has to impose a sanction.
If the result is the little cherub isn't severely punished, he will have it confirmed he is untouchable. Not the desired effect, really.

Lots of unpleasant angry teenagers do grow up to be pleasant with the right support.

Not good company

He's 13 you have no idea how he will be in 5,10,15 years time .

She can't press charges because that would becup to the CPS to see if there are any charges to be brought..

It really isn't for most people
At beat he would be fostered and not necessarily with people that can deal with his needs .

I don’t think I tried to patronise you

And you saying that there isn’t always a cause also means that sometimes there is one.

I don’t disagree with the advice on calling the police but surely, in advance of a more permanent solution, the best approach to keep the OP safe is to try and de-escalate IF IT IS POSSIBLE and the best way of doing that would be try and understand what is triggering his behaviour. It’s not an excuse for his behaviour, it’s not saying that it’s ok for her to be his personal punch bag, it’s trying to avoid, as far as possible, a dangerous situation. That is why I asked if he had been diagnosed with any mental conditions so that the OP could gain more tailored advice.

That seems a bit naive. He might improve but doubt he'll become pleasant safe company

Don’t try and patronise me. 🙄

There isn’t always a cause, he’s not the priority here when he’s pulling a knife on his mum. Short of psychosis, there is no excuse for it.

Cops, every time. Let him be a hard man then.

@Whatayear2023 Please see what @Dramatic says.

For your own safety please call the police every single time he assaults you and every single time he destroys something.

This is for your own protection.

Clearly - as said - you need intense support but that may take a while to set up. When/if you contact anyone professional [Police/council services etc] make a written log which you keep in a safe place or give a copy every time to a trusted friend. This is to prevent any come-back at a later time by others saying they never knew the detail

Because if she knows what is behind the behaviours she might be able to address the behaviours. I know many children diagnosed with ASD and ADHD whose behaviour has completely changed once on medication.

I have a kid like this although he's younger and only just getting stronger than me. Touch wood the last year had been a massive change and much better. I begged for help and never got any. The experience you describe is exactly what I've been through although my son has diagnosed SEN. I sent repeat emails to SS stating me and kids are getting hurt and at risk. They did repeated assessments that all came back im a brilliant parent so they have no role. I complained saying they have à duty to disabled children, they said no money to help. Eventually we did get a disability social worker when I started quoting the law and threatening legal actions and to go to the press. Said I'd written everything up and my family would take everything to the press when one of us dies. Still no help. After he pushed my dd into traffic and I yanked her back by her hair to save her being hit by a van I called social services and said I can't keep him I have 3 kids all are suffering and I have no choice but to give him up to save the two I can help. They refused to take him I insisted and then they said ok we won't take him as we have no placements for children like this but we will take your other two children to keep them safe if you don't drop this. I was horrified and went I line for support and there are families out there who have actually had this happen to them!! Anyway I knew I could not cope and called their bluff, said we have had repeated children and family assessments over the years in response to me begging for help and your own assessment say I'm a good mother, I can prove I've been proactive and prove you have broken the law regarding your responsibility to disabled children, you cannot just remove my other children you have to have a judge sign off in that and I will get legal aid to fight you so take me to court if that's what it takes to get safety for my kids because I will not back down.

They caved and granted restbite care. In my own home. Initially was many hours but in reality only 10 hours a week. By this point if fought through the education tribunal and won that so add the restbite to 1:1 I can now at least leave the house with my other kids and he can rot at home supervised by a nice big strong man who is an absolute fuckibg saint.

The turning point was my son realising I would give him up. Realising his dad was refusing to have him. The social workers were terrible for talking about this stuff in his hearing and initially I resisted that but essentially that means I never was able to say how bad things were. So I had to say truthfully what was happening and the SW said he would go into a group hein with restraint and locked alone in a room when he acts how he does. Son had been traumatised by being restrained at school so this was scary for him. It was a turning point not a fix. He still hits out when he's struggling occasionally and now has so much self hatered I feel so guilty. BUT he is trying and I can see that. And somehow knowing he is trying and seeing that slow progress makes my feelings about his behaviour ok. He now does attend some provisions with his carer. I can now work two short days a week and that's made a huge difference to my mental health. We had quiet a few carers refuse to come back or I had to feline them after they handled him badly. The cater we have now took some horrendous behaviour but has been coming back for over a year and my son loves him and progress is happening albeit very very slowly. I'm not constantly fighting fires so can proactively stop ds getting so disregulated he acts that way. He doesn't speak to me like shit and will say he loves me, will say please can you leave me alone I'm feeling overwhelmed or please can you stay with me I'm feeling worried- all things that he couldn't identify let alone voice before and would have led to violence.

Anyway that's our story. Sorry it so long. Basically I'm saying if you are serious about putting him into care be prepared to have to fight for that and be prepared to have to fight against threats they will take your other children. If you have a history of seeking help you should be ok and if they take action then you get legal aid to fight them. Likelihood is they won't take action and will give you restbite- which again is not a fix but take it and use it to keep yourself sane and strong and to give your other children opportunities they currently do not get. If ds sees you are serious he may start trying. And alongside this apply for an EHCP and get 1:1 in there so you effectively get school hours restbite. Then request a man as 1:1. If that not enough go back and fight for 2:1. You will at least be safe in school hours then.

I think if I was going through this now I'd be tempted to quote the Southport killings at SS. Because that was similar- parents desperately sought help for years and none came. Lessons are supposed to be being learned and all that

Well unfortunately for your son he is wrong about this.

It's quite clear that he is on a path that will result in him seriously injuring you, or someone else, or worse.

You will need to fight for it, but you must get him into a care environment where professionals that he can't bully can deal with him. You will be discouraged but this is absolutely an option that's open to you.

Of course it could make a difference. Nobody is saying “oh he is probably SEN therefore carry on letting him use you as a punch bag”
Its not an excuse, its a potential reason and a valid question to ask as other people can advise on where OP should go for support, resources etc.

So for example, if he has PDA or similar, in order to keep herself safe before a better solution is found, she may decide to try and remove all demands from him if that’s what is triggering him. Probably not a long term solution but it could keep OP and her other child safe in the meantime and it’s something she can implement immediately

I don't understand the "maybe he's sen" replies. Who cares it's unlikely to change his behaviours.

Tell SW you can't care for him any more.

get him arrested next time he assaults you ,press charges .Tell police to ask social services to pick him up as you refuse to let him come home as you fear for your life.

I dont see how they can charge you for child abandonment if you genuinely fear for your safety and you tell the right authorities that you cannot cope