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Original poster

Wanting opinions on night feeds with husband

36 replies

Banaz · 07/02/2025 10:46

This may be a long one but I’m really wanting opinions from others as I’m becoming frustrated.
My husband (together 19 years) has not done a single night feed since baby’s been born (she’s 3 month) she’s not been the best sleeper even during the day (she’s has short naps)
he works full time and has 2 days off through the week. He leaves the house at 2pm and gets back around 12.30am.
It takes me ages to get baby to sleep and she will usually sleep around 11.30pm-12am. she’s then up at 3-4am then takes ages to settle back down. I’m up then at 6.30am.
Now to add we have 3 other children whose school is quite far. I don’t drive so husband takes them of a morning.
our routine is I get the older kids up fed dressed and ready for school. Wake husband to drive them to school. He then comes back has something to eat then goes back to bed.
Now I do understand as he’s working but even on his days off he comes back and goes to bed and even has an evening nap. I can’t nap in the day to catch up as baby will only have short bursts of sleep of around 20 mins of a time.
on the weekends when the children are not in school or school holidays, he will stay in bed until 11am-12pm while I’ve been up with baby plus the older children.
He will from time to time help with feeding the baby but 90% is on me.
To add he doesn’t do anything around the house either. May wash a few dishes once or twice a week.
Anyway do you think I’m being unreasonable for wanting a bit more help?
apologies for my long post. I hope it makes sense.
If you got this far, thank you for reading

OP posts:
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RampantIvy · 07/02/2025 15:48

I would love to be able to drive but the thought absolutely terrifies me

I do get that. I was terrified to learn, but am so glad I did.

DH has given up driving, and DD can't learn for medical reasons, and I sometimes resent that I am the only driver now. If I had four children it would worry me more that I couldn't drive.

RampantIvy · 07/02/2025 15:43

I find threads like this so sad. Woman wants a/another baby. Man says OK, then leaves it all up to the woman and won't step up.

I see this all the time on mumsnet and, sadly, many times in real life. I get the feeeling that most men just aren't bothered about having child(ren), then the argument is "well, you were the one who wanted a child"

I hope your husband keeps his promises to step up @Banaz

Bodybutterblusher · 07/02/2025 15:40

It does sound like he's getting significantly more sleep than you are, albeit he is still working hard.

Original poster
Banaz · 07/02/2025 15:38

I would love to be able to drive but the thought absolutely terrifies me.
our children are 7,9 and 11 ( 2 have ASD) the older once sees to himself but the other 2 need help/assistance with getting ready. I do believe with the large age gap we both forgot how hard and tiring looking after a new born actually is.
I do find it difficult to communicate my concerns with him as I don’t like to come across as being selfish and only thinking of me. I see it from both sides and just wanted that little bit of help while sleep deprived

OP posts:
Motnight · 07/02/2025 15:37

Good luck, Op 🙂

mathanxiety · 07/02/2025 15:27

He is taking the piss.

He basically does nothing around the house and he doesn't get the children ready for school either. He just drives them there.

He needs to batch cook at weekends.
He needs to get several loads of laundry done, start to finish, every weekend. He could do all the bedding.
He needs to clean the bathroom.

When the fog clears, you need to learn to drive.

hydriotaphia · 07/02/2025 15:20

Can he take the baby first thing when he gets up and on the school run so you can have some uninterrupted sleep in the mornings? My husband did this and it was a lifesaver. He shouldn't be lying in til 11 on the weekend no matter what time he got in the night before!!!

Ddakji · 07/02/2025 15:13

I’m glad you’ve had a talk with him and he’s responded well - fingers crossed he sticks to it and your baby starts sleeping better too!

RampantIvy · 07/02/2025 15:05

Will there be an option for you to learn to drive at some point @Banaz?

Moonnstars · 07/02/2025 15:05

How involved was he with the other children? As they are all at school I am guessing there is a bit of an age gap between them?

Going back to the baby stage when the others have grown up is tough and maybe he has forgotten this.

I would definitely be asking him to step up on his days off, and possibly getting up a bit earlier on the school run days (again not clear how old the children are and whether they can get themselves sorted).

Autumndayz77 · 07/02/2025 14:52

Glad he’s stepping OP. Tbh if he’s getting in at 12:30 and not getting up till 8 that’s a decent amount of sleep so he could split the mornings with you and you both take in terms to head ‘back to bed’

Poor sleepers are brutal, If you’ve not had one you don’t really understand!

ginasevern · 07/02/2025 14:43

Why did you continue to have children with him?

heroinechic · 07/02/2025 14:39

I don't subscribe to this "I work full time so don't have to do anything when I'm home and you have to work/be on call 24/7" bollocks.

The very least he can do is make sure that you get one good night of sleep a week. He gets two days off, so he will get one too without the disturbance of work.

With regard to everything else he should help out when he can. He doesn't need to go back to bed in the morning AND have an evening nap. He's already sleeping probably 6/7 hours at least before he's woken up to take the kids. If there's time for someone to have a nap in the evening it should be you, considering you will have a night of broken sleep ahead of you.

Essentially, there's scope to make things a lot easier on you, and he isn't doing it, even though it wouldn't really disadvantage him. He's being selfish and inconsiderate.

Original poster
Banaz · 07/02/2025 14:29

He’s not a drinker. It does take him a little while to eventually fall asleep once home from work.
we did have the discussion beforehand about having another baby but actions speak louder than words.
I honestly don’t mind at all at being in charge of all household chores I’m just drained with having a baby that isn’t a great sleeper and still doing it all alone (majority of the time)
comments like you shouldn’t of had 4 wasn’t really necessary. She’s here, I’m besotted with her as I am my other children.
After reading all your comments I’ve spoken with him and he agreed that Im right in what I’m saying. He’s doing night feeds this weekend (sigh of relief) knowing I can catch up on some sleep this week.
Thank you to those with helpful comments, I really appreciate it ❤️

OP posts:
Motnight · 07/02/2025 14:06

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 07/02/2025 10:49

Working full time is exhausting. Especially when you’re keeping odd hours.

He’s doing the school runs along with working full time. I think he’s doing his fair share.

Yes and it's well known that only people with a vagina can work full time, look after kids and do housework.

Twaddlepip · 07/02/2025 14:03

He’s a chef you say. Does he, per chance, partake of the drinking culture that surrounds that profession?

sunshinerainbowcloud · 07/02/2025 14:01

Banaz · 07/02/2025 13:06

Just to make it a little clearer.
I completely understand and don’t expect him to doing any form of night feeds the days he’s working (he’s a chef and the hours are awkward) but the 2 days he is off he still doesn’t get up. Not through the night or offer to get up with kids and do the morning routine on his own.
He chooses to do the morning school run as he doesn’t want the older children walking that far of a morning. His morning routine is I wake him around 8.15am and has a hot drink ready for him, sits on his phone and is out the door by 8.30 am back by 9am. Eats and the to bed. The kids are all ready and waiting. That’s the only thing that he does help with. When the kids are off school of a weekend or off on school holidays, he doesn’t get up until 11/12 most days.
I think sometimes am I being taking for a mug or is that the norm and I need to change the way I’m thinking.
it wasn’t always like this as he had a different job years back with our other children and the hours were more suitable plus as he’s gotten older he’s become lazier

I still stand by he is lazy. Yes he works full time to provide and he does the school run. Big whoop. That’s nothing, his life has barely changed.

On the morning he does the school run you’re waking him up and making him a coffee? He lives the life of luxury here.

Why isn’t he helping out on the days he is off work? If I’m honest I’m surprised you have put up with this for so long. I feel like he could do more on the days he works but whatever, but the 2 days he is off work he can’t be sleeping in and doing naff all whilst you’re running around after him. You deserve a break too and he is taking the mick.

Sit down with him and explain that the days he works will remain the same but when he’s off he needs to step up, treat him like a child if you will and give him set jobs, on the first day he’s off he can have a nap and on the second day he’s off it’s your turn to have a nap. He does all the night feeds on the night he doesn’t have to work before so you can rest.

JimHalpertsWife · 07/02/2025 13:44

What time does he usually fall asleep? I used to work in a similar industry, finishing at 11.30pm, home for midnight. I used to still need a good 90mins or so to wind down before I was ready for sleep.

8 hours sleep would then see me up for the day around 9.30/10am.

I'd take the morning school run off him (leave baby sleeping at home next to him), walk the kids to school.

Then, he can at least sleep 8 hours uninterrupted and wake by 10am to help with the baby.

2025willbemytime · 07/02/2025 13:40

It's disappointing he doesn't want to spend more time with his kids, especially a new baby.

2025willbemytime · 07/02/2025 13:39

YABU to want more help. Do you think you are helping him? No, you're both parents and it is called parenting. He's doing fuck all compared to what he should and it has to stop now. Nap times have to be equal. Sometimes you just can't go back to bed and have to push through. You'd be better off splitting so you know it's all on you and no resentment.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 07/02/2025 13:36

He’s definitely, definitely not doing his fair share but why didn’t you talk about all this and come to an agreement before having a 4th child?! DH and I both wanted #3 but I wouldn’t agree to try until we had figured out a childcare/housework set up that worked for us both - DC2 was born before DC1 started nursery so I was happy enough to do all the nights, mornings etc when there wasn’t any sort of school run or nursery run but felt very different with DC3.

JimHalpertsWife · 07/02/2025 13:26

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/02/2025 12:32

I think he's doing his fair share OP.
Sorry.

He can't do night feeds if he doesn't get in from work till midnight and then gets up for school runs.

What made you have another baby if you find these early days so difficult.

Did you see the part where he does eff all on his days off too? And goes back to bed all day after the school runs?

He chose to make 4 kids.

Original poster
Banaz · 07/02/2025 13:06

Just to make it a little clearer.
I completely understand and don’t expect him to doing any form of night feeds the days he’s working (he’s a chef and the hours are awkward) but the 2 days he is off he still doesn’t get up. Not through the night or offer to get up with kids and do the morning routine on his own.
He chooses to do the morning school run as he doesn’t want the older children walking that far of a morning. His morning routine is I wake him around 8.15am and has a hot drink ready for him, sits on his phone and is out the door by 8.30 am back by 9am. Eats and the to bed. The kids are all ready and waiting. That’s the only thing that he does help with. When the kids are off school of a weekend or off on school holidays, he doesn’t get up until 11/12 most days.
I think sometimes am I being taking for a mug or is that the norm and I need to change the way I’m thinking.
it wasn’t always like this as he had a different job years back with our other children and the hours were more suitable plus as he’s gotten older he’s become lazier

OP posts:
Digdongdoo · 07/02/2025 13:04

What was he like with the previous 3?

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2025 12:39

4 children is a lot and is always going to be hard hard work however it gets split. What led to 4 children? (I don't mean sex here, I mean who pushed for 4, or if it was mutual, did he help with babies and housework before?)