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Original poster

Mismatched sex drives issues

61 replies

Pops5 · 07/02/2025 10:26

Dh and I are currently working through a bad patch. We have been married 10y and we have two young kids under 6. I have a low sex drive, him high. It has always been a bit of a contentious issue but now exacerbated by being knackered all the time. About 3m ago we were on the verge of separation but we have both been in therapy and managed to bring things round. Dh agreed to lower expectations / reduce pressure. Things have been better.

Lately he has been complaining that he is often frustrated and never has time to relieve himself (something his therapist suggested he needs to do more often) then last week he asked me if I would mind if he did it in bed! to which I replied an expletive and he got the message. He then mentioned it again and said he thought it would bring us closer together and I could possibly join in and help him!?

I explained that the frustration was nothing to do with me and it was his problem to solve himself.

Explained again that if this is going to work I need to feel - no pressure whatsoever - to be intimate with him. I am feeling particularly shit right now, completely burnt out and waiting to go on antidepressants. Not feeling sexy at all.

Now he has said can I please stop making sexual jokes or innuendos and can I stop looking when he is getting changed as this is apparently mixed messages and confusing for him.

Feels very cut your nose off to spite your face. Aibu to be outraged?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pops5 · 07/02/2025 10:52

But heres the thing, I do want it… but the constant pressure (things like saying “oh i had so many rude dreams about you last night”) is really offputting.
We cuddle, kiss, touch a lot. Its not like we have no intimacy.

OP posts:
bifurCAT · 07/02/2025 10:50

Pops5 · 07/02/2025 10:47

Erm… “oh my depressed wife is making lighthearted fun, doesnt mean she wants to go here and now?”

I dont make suggestions.

Show quote history

Maybe not, but what he's hearing is 'my wife is thinking about penises and sex'.

It's like talking about alcohol around someone who is a recovering alcoholic. No, you're not waving bottles in his face, but you're not exactly helping him keep his mind off it.

ItGhoul · 07/02/2025 10:49

I think you are fundamentally incompatible and have completely different attitudes to sex and its importance.

I’m sure people will be on this thread saying that your DH is a disgusting sex fiend who just wants to be serviced etc but I actually have some sympathy with him here. It sounds as if it isn’t just low libido that’s your issue, but that you’re actively repulsed by the fact that he has sexual urges.

Currently, being able to masturbate is presumably pretty much his only sexual outlet and I strongly suspect he is finding that lonely and miserable. It’s clearly not just the physical release that he’s missing, and it sounds to me as if he wants some kind of closeness and intimacy rather than just an orgasm. I can see why he has wondered if there might be a way of having that kind of intimacy without full sex.

Of course, if you’re not up for that, that is totally your choice and you don’t have to do it. You’re completely entitled not to want to. Nobody should be doing anything they don’t want or like. But I think your reaction of complete revulsion and ‘wtf’ was a bit extreme. What he asked wasn’t really anything outlandish or gross or abnormal. Plenty of people do like to watch their partner and get turned on by it. Fine to say no, but I think you could perhaps have said no without implying that he was being weird/disgusting to ask.

You can’t help your low libido; that isn’t your fault. But I don’t think acting as if your husband is some kind of pig just for making a suggestion is especially fair.

The sexual jokes thing seems odd to me. How many are you making, for this to be an issue?

Original poster
Pops5 · 07/02/2025 10:47

MsPug · 07/02/2025 10:37

What would you like his reaction to the innuendoes to be?

i mean I know what it feels like to go off sex, and for a period of time when we had young kids we had Tuesday and Saturday scheduled sex. But I don't get why you make suggestions and then moan when he picks up on them

Erm… “oh my depressed wife is making lighthearted fun, doesnt mean she wants to go here and now?”

I dont make suggestions.

OP posts:
bifurCAT · 07/02/2025 10:45

I 100% see his POV.

You want to have your cake and eat it too. You have a low sex drive, and he is struggling with that. He is now trying to back off a bit (not pressuring you), and finding alternatives (masturbation). If he is doing this, the least you could do is not make any sexual comments/innuendos, which are definitely mixed messages.

Think about it... you don't want him to comment, which puts pressure on you, but you're not willing to stop your own comments, which gives him hope for more.

Original poster
Pops5 · 07/02/2025 10:45

Hang on then… so if say, I make a joke about a banana looking like a willy that is mixed messages saying “i am up for it!!” ?

OP posts:
zendeveloper · 07/02/2025 10:37

Check deadbedrooms on reddit to have some insight into how your husband might be feeling.

BlueMum16 · 07/02/2025 10:37

Pops5 · 07/02/2025 10:32

because i'm a human adult?

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Does sound like mixed messages.

MsPug · 07/02/2025 10:37

What would you like his reaction to the innuendoes to be?

i mean I know what it feels like to go off sex, and for a period of time when we had young kids we had Tuesday and Saturday scheduled sex. But I don't get why you make suggestions and then moan when he picks up on them

Original poster
Pops5 · 07/02/2025 10:32

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2025 10:27

Why are you making sexual jokes and innuendos?

because i'm a human adult?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2025 10:27

Why are you making sexual jokes and innuendos?