Mismatched sex drives issues

We do. Regularly. Sex drives currently also mis matched. Feels like the least I can do honestly.

Would anyone really be happy with their husband suggesting having a wank laid in bed next to them?

Err, what?

You need to divorce. Depression and low drive notwithstanding - you have no empathy for how he is feeling.

He is doing his bit - and trying to deal with your low drive. But you won't let him wank in the bed? As his therapist suggested??? And in general - to release the frustration?
You think that you should be allowed to make references to sex because "you are human", but him mentioning he dreamed about it is "pressure"?

I have been where you are - not wanting sex with small children. I totally get it. And you feel how you feel about it.
But - if you love your H and don't want the marriage to break up - you need to come down from your pedestal (where only your feelings matter) and realise that you can't simply ignore his feelings. And you need to work on yourself too, not just wait for the issue to resolve itself magically.

If you are not willing to do your bit to try to help him and you as a family get through it - then just end it now. Life is too short to live in misery. And relationships without sex do not work - only accumulate resentments and become more and more unhappy.

I think you sound quite self-centred on this, everything is about what YOU want and need. You don’t want any sort of pressure, and perceive all sorts of things as pressure to have sex. You have asked him not to do these things and expect that to be stuck to completely- fair enough. But that does both ways- if you are asking him to respect your wishes and needs, then you need to do the same for him. He would rather you don’t do them, so if you respect his feelings then just do as he asks. why wouldn’t you?

As it happens, I think your response to him re masturbation/being involved was pretty harsh. You act as though any sexual contact is disgusting to you, unless on your terms, It is fine to say no, it is not fine to be unkind/ridiculing/trying to make him ashamed (which is how I would interpret that). What he is suggesting is something that many couples do, it’s not shameful or disgusting to everyone and maybe something he thought would be ok. Your style of rejection is deeply problematic, imho. It is absolutely your right to not have sex or any form of sexual contact that you do not want, and he absolutely has to be respect that. But there are ways to go about it. I think he is not the only one who needs to think about their behaviour.

I get that your sex drive is low right now, but your husband telling you he fancies you so much he literally dreams about you shouldn't be offputting, IMO. Lots of people would be thrilled to still have that level of desire in their marriage. You can't force your sex drive nor do I think anyone should have sex they don't want at all, but I think it might be useful for you to try and tackle the level of disgust and irritation you seem to have with him: it's normal to fancy your wife, it's normal to want to have sex with her, it's normal to feel rejected and sexually frustrated if you're no longer having sex. It doesn't sound (to me, although ofc there's plenty of context missing) as though he's being awful - he's gone to therapy, he's doing what the therapist suggested. I think even the wanting to get off in the bedroom with you there is his way of a middle ground - less expectation for you, but still a sexual experience with his wife?

You don't have to have sex with him right now, but I do think you should try and have a bit more care for how he feels too.

The issue isn't with saying no. This issue is with swearing at him when he suggests it.

No one is required to do anything they don't want, and he asked if she was ok with this. Her response is the issue.
It is not a lot of effort to say:
"I don't want that as I feel like it is putting more pressure on me."
Than:
"WTF, no go somewhere else."

And in the long term the second is going to generate more problems down the line.

If you're not interested in sex with him then yes, i think you're being unfair with the sexual innuendos and jokes

yes of course as it would clearly be on your mind ?

Reading this, trying to keep up. You do seem to be giving mixed messages. I feel rather sorry for him. He's lowered his expectations and you don't seemed to have given any ground?

You do come across here as really angry op. Just an observation. It does also sound like you are giving mixed messages which must be really difficult for your DH. You both need to talk and agree boundaries etc, without anger or resentment - presumably you both want to fix this and stay married? Or do you?

men have a word/s for this

You would be better off without sex being mentioned as constantly the "problem" at the back of your mind.

But it sounds like she keeps mentioning it….

OK, so you have a low libido and he has a high one.
You both knew this when you got married - well that is a risk.
Things got more severe after children - predictable.
You are uncomfortable if he initiates sex or discusses it - perfectly fine.
He feels distant and/or rejected by lack of sex – perfectly normal.
He has adjusted to your request to lower expectations – all good.
He struggles to find time to relieve himself – predictable with family and work.
He want to relieve himself in bed, you swear at him – Errrrr. Right we have an issue.
He suggested some sort of intimacy short of sex – normal suggestion.
You tell him it is his problem – really building on the rejection thing here aren’t we.
You make sexual jokes and innuendos around him after repeatedly rejecting him – this is starting to sound weird.
He find your communication “mixed messages” and wants things to change – sounds like a reasonable request.
You are “outraged” – about what?

To be honest you sounds like you are not interested in him at all and frankly don’t like him. If you are in therapy and he is adjusting his expectations, exactly what are you doing? Is the therapy just how you manage him or ate you trying to learn anything about your behaviour and how to adjust? Saying you don’t want him relieving him self in the bed or that you don’t want to increase non-sexual intimacy are both fine, but swearing at him. The refusing to see his issues when he raises your communication?

Sounds like you have some quite deep issues and building resentment on both sides in your relationship. There's a lot to resolve with both of you before you are going to be able to comfortably be intimate with one another. It sounds like neither of your behaviour is helping at the moment.

YANBU.
Happy to have a husband who is 75 and therefore doesn't pester anymore.
You would be better off without sex being mentioned as constantly the "problem" at the back of your mind.
Ugh. After years and years....😐

How long is the wait for antidepressants? Could you chase your GP?

I've been in that place where I was so angry with my dh that I regarded sex as something he demanded from me and just felt relieved every day I got away with not having it. Ultimately he really isn't your enemy.

If he has time to wank in bed he has time to go in to the bathroom or wherever and do it there. By suggesting he do it in bed beside you he is involving you when you have been clear you don't want that. You don't say how often you have sex or how often he wants it (and you don't have to) so it's difficult to say if he is unreasonable in wanting it more often, but you certainly can't help it if the urge isn't there.

No you sound like a 14 year old boy

Poor man, having to live with someone who is repulsed by him.

Why don’t you just split up?

Poor bloke.

Honestly? It sounds like you hate him and resent the fact that he has a sex drive at all. You sound very angry, not just with your husband but with people replying to you here too. I also suffer from depression, and I’m wondering whether your reactions are driven by that, or whether you just dislike your husband and want out of your marriage.

I think your reaction to his suggestion of wanking in bed was pretty unkind actually. He's literally suggesting what the therapist did.

It does read like you find him disgusting.

He's trying really hard and I feel a bit sorry for him. Obviously you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to but it does feel like he's making an effort and you don't mention how you are making an effort?