Mismatched sex drives issues

Can't see a problem with that at all either tbh.

Yeah I totally understand watching your partner touching themselves and can see the appeal, I meant if I were laid there reading a book/trying to sleep and he decided to go at it!

But @Sherararara wasn't actually talking to the OP there? She was replying to someone who asked, in general, if ANY woman would be OK with it. She wasn't suggesting that the OP had to enjoy it.

Well that's the difference between you and OP and her husband. They don't have a sex life, she sounds totally sex repulsed right now. Him wanking in the bed beside her is the last thing she needs and it would disgust me too if I were her.

I think YANBU OP but you need to seriously reconsider staying in this relationship. Start with a few hard truths. Are you actually still attracted to your husband?

Yup we would. And do. Regularly. And we have a great sex life in general.

If the coercive control means you don't feel safe enough to have the sex you want with him, then let him go.

Both DH and I masturbate in bed next to each other on a semi regular basis. Sometimes one or the other, sometimes together. Sometimes we ‘help each other out’. All part of being in a normal loving relationship.
And yes his frustration does have something to do with you. Again if you are in a good relationship you work to meet each others needs.

I agree you sound incompatible to be honest. It sounds like you don’t find him attractive? I suspect he feels you don’t. Is it that you genuinely have low libido or just that you don’t fancy him that much? I honestly get the vibe it’s the latter… I also think it sounds like his sex drive dominates the backdrop of your marriage. I don’t think that is reasonable and there is more to marriage and life, than sex. Equally it’s not fair if you don’t fancy him, don’t want to have sex with him on a fairly regular basis, and yet don’t want to separate. If this is the true context I think you are both better off separating.

It is mixed messages
Also quite childish

Same.
I couldn't live with someone who was disgusted by me (as clearly the OP is by her DH) and I wouldn't want a sexless marriage.
I don't think the OP should be forced into sex when she doesn't want it either. It's just pointless continuing. It's a total mismatch and I can feel the dislike for the husband throughout the OPs posts. I don't think you can come back from that.

Oh no, yet another massive drip feed.

I couldn't live in a sexless marriage. It sounds like he has made an effort since the therapy but how long do you expect him to wait?

I don’t think the OP said the previous coercion was actually sexual. I assumed non-sexual. If he has ever coerced her into sex he’s a rapist and she needs to leave. That would be a very different scenario to the one the OP has outlined.

Oh FFS, that’s quite the drip feed. Probably should have mentioned the coercive control at the start, because clearly that’s relevant.

Coercive control is a criminal offence and I’m not really sure why you’d be trying to work things out in those circumstances, rather than leaving.

But if you are determined to work things out, then as I said in my first post, this isn’t about the fact that you didn’t want to watch him have a wank. It’s about the fact that you reacted as if he was disgusting for even suggesting it.

If you're still cuddling and kissing then 100% I would be up for him having a wank at the same time. It's just an extension of that intimacy surely? Sex IMO takes up more headspace and requires you to be much more involved mentally and physically where as this is a way to keep the intimacy and sex going without you having to be particularly involved. You're going to need clear boundaries though if you do it ie whether you'll have any involvement at all or not, where he's going to orgasm - on you? himself?

It sounds a bit like you have come to hate sex and anything to do with it, do you think that may have become the case? It also sounds like there might be a lot going on here that you haven't told us - what do you mean when you say there's been problems with coercive control?

You've had some strange replies on this thread. YANBU at all.

I would recommend separation tbh, you don't ever need to have sex that you don't want to. You are overworked and exhausted, he is not. I think that is usually the issue.

I don't know how a relationship can ever come back from sexual coercion, therapy or not. Should you even try to muster up desire to someone that has previously sexually abused you? It stays with you forever.

Same. Not even from mis-matched drive, more from timing/inclination not always being aligned. I don't find it remotely disgusting, sometimes I'd just rather snooze and leave him to it and I understand it's much pleasanter to wank in a bed than a bathroom - I certainly prefer bed to bathroom wanks. And if I didn't want to be there while he was sorting himself out, there's no particular reason he'd have to go to the bathroom rather than me take myself elsewhere. There can be a default reaction (that perhaps OP was expecting) that men are sex-mad pervs who should hide their filthy business, whereas I think a lot of couples are more balanced across a marriage with some understanding/give and take. Obviously nothing should be forced or non-consensual but that's why clear communication is key so there's less risk of mixed messages, shame and blame.

When you don't want sex then having your partner masturbate next to you would he incredibly grim. YANBU there.

I also know how hard it is when your partner goes off sex. My ex did when I was pregnant. It never came back and we split.

Well, yes. Plenty of women like watching their partner touch himself. Men masturbating alone is one of the most popular subjects in porn watched/listened to by women. It’s fine if it isn’t your thing, and it’s fine if it isn’t the OP’s thing, but it’s not unusual or outlandish. Everyone likes different things.

As part of our sex life absolutely bring it on, but if sex was off the table for us as a couple for some reason and we had set down boundaries, then no I wouldn't like it.

In this circumstance I wouldn't mind at all. I'd probably lend a hand in all honestly.

It's just not going to work is it? You are flogging a dead horse. You are incompatible and obviously have big issues beyond sex. Instead of both being miserable, end it amicably while you still can be, figure out your co-parenting and move on. It's such a waste of time.

I think if you'd mentioned this in your op you might have got more understanding.

I have been in a relationship with someone who was controlling and passive aggressive and I recognised the suggestion to take care of himself in the bed with you next to him as a boundary crossing move.

I don't understand all the sympathy for the man. He knows she doesn't want to feel pressured or expected to do anything right now.

As for not looking at him when he's getting changed, that's just pathetic but if that's what he's asking then fine, don't look at him.

But his attitude of not trying to understand or take care of your boundaries is not going to help this relationship survive.

You sound really contemptuous of him, and contempt is poison in a relationship.

Do you find him attractive, was sex ever good? I don't think anyone should force themselves to have a sexual relationship but nor do I believe someone should have to accept a sexless relationship.

You need to compromise or split, it sounds a very miserable situation. Did you really say that a banana looks like a 'willy'?