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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends who cancel due to better offers.

31 replies

FredAgain · 07/02/2025 08:17

Before Christmas I organised a night out with friends for end of Jan. They all said they could go, and it was in the diary. A week before the night, I messaged them and they all said they couldn’t now go for different reasons. These reasons ranged from I’m too tired (really, it’s in a week!) and a few people said they couldn’t go as they now had a dinner out, or were going to the cinema.

Again, organised a coffee with a friend for tomorrow, and she just bailed as she’s been invited to breakfast with someone.

I’m not taking it personally as I’ve seen these people do it to others but AIBU to say that if you’ve agreed to do something, you don’t blow out of it for a better offer? You tell the other party, “sorry I’m not free that night, can we do another?”. It’s not about the activity being better, it’s about respect for other people.

On both occasions I too could’ve done something else and I’m left with a cancelled night, morning. My time is finite too.

AIBU to say it’s rude to cancel because you have a better offer.

OP posts:
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Original poster
FredAgain · 07/02/2025 09:16

I have down graded them to acquaintances now. If they organise something and I’m free, I’ll go. I won’t put off things important to me either like a swim I’m planning on doing, or an errand I need to run.

I was just a bit miffed about the coffee versus breakfast one. I thought she was a good friend, but I can see she is also quite selfish TBH.

There are a lot of people around whose small potatoes take priority over someone else’s catastrophe. Not sure if that’s too cryptic 😂

OP posts:
honeylulu · 07/02/2025 09:14

Yes it's rude. I might let it pass once as a one off or a couple more times if there seemed to be an apparently good reason but after that I couldn't be bothered with them.

One of my best friends from school is like that. She didn't drive (until quite late in life) and couldn't be arsed to sort out travel unless someone gave her a lift door to door. If we went to her house it was fine. If we met anywhere else she would usually flake. We usually meet as a group so it still went ahead and she still got an invite but flaked more often than she turned up. What annoyed me most was that she would always accept really enthusiastically and then shortly before just go completely silent and not even tell us she wasn't coming until one of us called her. She then moaned about "always hosting" when she saw us. Yes, because you never bother to come to anyone else's house! We're still in touch but I haven't actually seen her for years now.

Another friend had a big family that dominated her whole life. We'd arrange to meet and it would be hard enough to find a date as there were so many family birthdays to navigate. We'd fix one and then a couple of days before "oh sorry, can't make it, my in laws have asked to come and stay this weekend". Just say ... no? Gave up with her too. Who needs friends when you have family, eh?

Snorandrepeat · 07/02/2025 09:09

I find it’s the person that just cannot commit to a date in advance as bad as the cancellers!
Me …am free We’d or Fri next week for lunch
Friend …doesn’t reply until following Tues , where shall we meet tomorrow?
Me …err am busy now because I didn’t hear from you last week.
Just rude and inconsiderate.

Hazeby · 07/02/2025 09:04

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2025 08:57

I don't think it will do your self esteem any good to let these people treat you so badly OP. They aren't friends.

Agree with this. I don’t think being ‘friends’ with these sort of people is good for your health!

SALaw · 07/02/2025 09:00

I think I'd reply something like "oh, none taken"

Chattie89 · 07/02/2025 08:57

It's extremely rude, I've known people do it and what is FAR worse is when they're totally unapologetic about it, "oh I can't come anymore I'm doing xyz now."

One of DH's friend's wives used to do this when we'd made plans as a four, often on the day she just wouldn’t show up because she'd decided to go off and see another friend, leaving me to hang out with DH and his mate! I stopped bothering pretty sharpish. They don't sound like very nice friends OP.

WhatNoRaisins · 07/02/2025 08:57

I don't think it will do your self esteem any good to let these people treat you so badly OP. They aren't friends.

Hdjdb42 · 07/02/2025 08:55

I had a friend and a sister who did this regularly. They'd cancel that morning because they'd rather do something else! I just stopped arranging to meet up with them, because it's rude!

biscuitsandbooks · 07/02/2025 08:49

These people aren't your friends.

2chocolateoranges · 07/02/2025 08:49

If someone was to cancel on my once for a better offer then I wouldn’t arrange a night out again(the only reasonable excuses for cancelling are illness, a bereavement or a family event organised last minute.

they don’t sound like great friends at all.

Brefugee · 07/02/2025 08:48

Agix · 07/02/2025 08:32

If someone asked me to do something in a week, my real reason would be I'm too tired. Some people will know if they're going through a tired phase, that won't be over within the week. Especially with chronic health issues, that you may or may not know about. So maybe that friend was just being honest with you.

I wouldn't say the real reason because, as shown here, I've learned people don't understand. Nor do they want to try. They just take my health issues personally, because they're fucking bonkers.

Presumably you don't commit to things? Or say "maybe"?

Otherwise: still rude

Brefugee · 07/02/2025 08:47

It only happens once.
I had one "friend" like that, did it to a few people. So I did it to her. Literally used the words "CBA got a better offer".

She bitched & whined to mutual friends who... Laughed. She is no longer part of our wider friend group

Nationsss · 07/02/2025 08:44

Honestly OP, that wouldn't happen to me twice.
It is not healthy that you find being treated like that acceptable.
Drop the rope.
They are not friends.
Friends do NOT behave like this.
You are wasting your time.
Invest your precious time with others.

Funkyslippers · 07/02/2025 08:42

Yeah, it's shit. Few ex friends in the past have done this but my current small group of friends are true friends and would never do this

Judgejudysno1fan · 07/02/2025 08:42

Sorry that was meant to say I had a friend who would ditch me to walk the dog. Not s friends.

Judgejudysno1fan · 07/02/2025 08:41

I used to have s friends who would ditch me to walk her dog. We were all dressed and ready to go, kids excited. She would cancel literally 10 mins before meeting. She was their godmother too.
Happened countless times. Or she took her mother instead to the place we were planning to go to. Very frustrating. No longer friends. And I used to message her. Fine I understand, enjoy time with your mum, don't worry I hope you had a nice time at x y z. She lived with her mum too so it wasn't like a surprise trip where she never sees her mother.

These people aren't your friends. Let them go.

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 07/02/2025 08:41

arcticpandas · 07/02/2025 08:32

I don't have this problem since I don't hang out with flaky people. Don't have the time to loose and I don't think this behaviour is acceptable as I personally would never cancel for other reason than illness/emergency.

I think it's rude, not flaky!

Lentilweaver · 07/02/2025 08:40

It's really unlikely that all these friends have chronic illnesss or anxiety, as that is often raised as a reason.

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 07/02/2025 08:40

This isn't the behaviour my friends exhibit. They wouldn't be friends if they did.
Sadly, some people seem to think manners are for other people.

Overthebow · 07/02/2025 08:38

I would be taking this personally. They aren’t prioritizing you, they are prioritizing other people, they’re not your friends.

Lentilweaver · 07/02/2025 08:36

I never cancel unless I am dead or infectious.
So bloody rude. This is why I don't organise anything any more

LaPalmaLlama · 07/02/2025 08:36

I think some upgrades are okay and I would understand - for example if someone cancelled dinner with me because someone gave them free VIP tickets to Oasis at Wembley or their DC suddenly got called up for England in some sports match. But breakfast vs coffee is clearly a choice of who to spend time with so that person would be sidelined.

CatMum27 · 07/02/2025 08:36

I had ‘friends’ that did this. When I called them out on it some looked a bit sheepish but others didn’t seem to see the problem. My advice is to get new friends.

Yes, sometimes things come up that can’t be helped but to just go for a better offer is shitty behaviour.

FurryTeacup · 07/02/2025 08:34

Agix · 07/02/2025 08:32

If someone asked me to do something in a week, my real reason would be I'm too tired. Some people will know if they're going through a tired phase, that won't be over within the week. Especially with chronic health issues, that you may or may not know about. So maybe that friend was just being honest with you.

I wouldn't say the real reason because, as shown here, I've learned people don't understand. Nor do they want to try. They just take my health issues personally, because they're fucking bonkers.

But presumably you would either have not committed to the outing in the first place because you’re in a tired phase, or you would have let the organiser know of your own accord that you wouldn’t be attending, rather than wait till they got in touch?

arcticpandas · 07/02/2025 08:32

I don't have this problem since I don't hang out with flaky people. Don't have the time to loose and I don't think this behaviour is acceptable as I personally would never cancel for other reason than illness/emergency.