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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH broke my trust AIBU to call him out on it after the years of abuse I have endured from him

64 replies

Jammydonut01 · 07/02/2025 06:32

I'm really broken right now, I have been with DH for 9 years now we have 3 DC under 5, I had my 3rd child just 6 months ago. To the outside world we have a pretty good life. DH goes to work while I stay at home and take care of DC, taking them to school, nursery. Doing the housework, cooking etc.
My mum does help out alot too with school runs or cooking since I have had the baby.
But what Seems to the outside world as perfect we are far from that tbh. Since the start i have been through abuse at the hands of him, whether it be physical, emotional or sexual. Mostly when I have answered him back on his big headed ways for example i have to leave the house with no skin showing or he has to pick a certain outfit and force me to wear it. I had to live with his ways and fulfil his needs. DH is a narcissist and has belittled me so much im emotionally scarred, telling me I'm not good enough due to me having anxiety, I'm not capable like other women, no one would accept me if I left him. There's been times where I have been left to just cry on the floor because I believed his words 💔 I can't speak about another male if I do its probably cause he thinks I'm having an affair, if someone's coming over to do the maintenance work he has to call up a family member to come watch over me because I might run away with the guy. For context I have never cheated and since being married to Dh I can't look another man in the eye that's how shaken I am. He really thinks little of women and has an attitude that women are only good for sex.
He will constantly look through my phone and monitor my every step. Even though I have never done anything to cause any sort of suspicion. But he himself will never openly give me his phone because apparently he doesn't want me to see his male friends. However when I'm speaking to my mum or sister he will burst in to the room trying to listen in on my conversations, I feel like I've been stripped of my privacy and rights as a human.

On the weekends, we both go and do the shopping together and he is constantly telling me your lucky no other husband would spend time with his wife like this.
The one thing I can say is DH is not financially abusive and we have joint accounts, his wages all go in those accounts. He tells me you can use the money I work for you and the children, I'm not like other men out there. I do however keep up with all bill/ rent payments as he is useless with that stuff. If he has contracts with phones etc he is always telling me to call them up to cancel them for him or book him GP appointments whenever he needs to see the doctor.

When he gets home he plays games and sits all the way through it during lunch, dinner, maybe sometimes the night. It's like I have to book an appointment everytime I want to speak to him, because he doesn't like being disturbed. I do the cooking, cleaning, feeding the children, all while carrying a crying, teething baby. It's difficult when I'm trying to tend to the toddlers who are very over active and feeding a crying baby. It gets so much that I have to beg him to help or there will be no dinner tonight, and that's when he decides to hold the baby for a while.

His behaviours have really turned me off men, for those of you who say leave I have tried in the past but keep coming back because this is all I know. I have a really supportive family but i dont like being a burden to others, if i tell my parents they come over to talk to him he turns everything on me and makes me look crazy just because i stood up for myself. My parents know im not in the wrong, but I guess everyone's afraid to stand up to him. This is my life and I have accepted it I made the stupid decision at the start and have to sacrifice my happiness. Since having my DC they are my number one priority and I keep myself busy with them, I live for them and they are my everything.

I thought everything was fine recently until he got my phone to do some work last night, he added his Gmail account to see if a certain game would work on my phone. Along with that most of his phone messages came up on my phone that he wasn't aware of. After giving it back he forgot to sign out of the account. When I checked my phone later I was surprised as I saw alot of messages that weren't mine. Most pretty innocent but a few caught my attention. There was messages to someone about asking about blow jobs, sex and negotiating prices. There was a few of these..
Tbh I'm lost for words because never would I think in a million years DH would be doing something like this. I dont even know if he went along with it after the women sent him the address. I'm in shock because he's being manipulative and controlling all this time so I thought he would have a clean attitude too considering he wants me so pure. And on top of that I've been having sex everytime he demands it. I've been heavily pregnant and crying but he would carry on.
The dates for these messages were from 6 months ago approximately when I just had the baby.
I'm sorry for such a long post but I really wanted to know what I should do, I have confronted him about it and he's still not admitting it and is saying I don't know how they got there. And now all of a sudden is saying that his friend's account got shared with his and its his friends messages.

OP posts:

Bumblebeestiltskin · 07/02/2025 08:05

You say your children are your priority - remember that what you model to them in terms of relationships is what they'll grow up thinking normal. They'll become either abusers or abused.

HappyintheHills · 07/02/2025 08:05

You can stay with your parents.

Take your DC with passports and birth certificates, marriage certificate etc to your parents. Tell the police, for marker on address.

When he comes to harass you, call the police on 999.

BMW6 · 07/02/2025 08:05

Get your children away from this monster.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 07/02/2025 08:04

Domestic abusers are often text book in their behaviour and yours certainly is. He’s ruined your self esteem, isolated you from your support networks and created a reliance on him. All this is designed to make it difficult to leave. This is why it takes so many attempts for victims to leave. That is sadly your only option though if you want your children to have any chance in the future of having happy, healthy, physically and emotionally safe lives. At this point you might be telling yourself it’s not that bad or it might get better. It IS that bad and it won’t get better, only worse, as has likely been your experience so far. You must come up with a safe plan to leave. Please google the name of your county and domestic abuse (on a phone or computer you can delete the evidence trail on) and contact a local charity for one to one support.

AgnesX · 07/02/2025 07:57

Jammydonut01 · 07/02/2025 07:07

Sorry if I haven't mentioned but I have anxiety maybe OCD where I can't take change very easily, it's the same routine every day. The day I left I had a panic attack and a meltdown because I can't adapt to change. I get attached to something and that's it. Also I don't have any money or my own or a car. I could stay with my parents but I hate being a burden on others 😔

You're their child. Why wouldn't they help you?

I appreciate that there are some toxic families but most mothers wouldn't have their daughter suffer like that.

StMarie4me · 07/02/2025 07:55

Your family aren't helping you?! You need to contact Women's Aid. Please please leave this man.

Your children are being affected by this man. Your daughters will believe that they are only there to serve men and your sins will believe that this is how to treat women.

Contact Women's Aid, today.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Rachmorr57 · 07/02/2025 07:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

StormingNorman · 07/02/2025 07:51

Change is difficult. Why don’t you get in touch with Women’s Aid just to discuss your options initially.

You need to leave him at some point and the sooner the better.,But you can also do it in steps and adjust to the change gradually.

Do you have access to money?

jeaux90 · 07/02/2025 07:40

Tell your parents everything.

Move in with them.

Get divorced.

This is the only way to protect you and your kids, I've been with a narcissist and I guarantee you your mental health will vastly improve when you remove yourself from this situation.

Bristolinfeb · 07/02/2025 07:37

I only got as far as you’re being abused. That means your children are too. It would not be safe to call him out. You need to find out how to safely leave.

Moonlightstars · 07/02/2025 07:37

If you were my child I would welcome you home with total open arms and not see you as a burden at all. You need to talk to your parents tell them how bad it is and let them help you.

ServantsGonnaServe · 07/02/2025 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you ignorant of all the information out there on domestic abuse and how many attempts it takes to leave? Do you think your comment has made the world a better place?.

Shame on your for piling on to a vulnerable woman.

BusyMum47 · 07/02/2025 07:36

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 07/02/2025 06:40

Forget the messages, why on earth have you put up with this rapist abusive man for 9 years?

Exactly! ⬆️ Why on earth do you care if he's shagging someone else?? And why have you had 3 children with him?? GET OUT!! You say you have a supportive family so tell them everything & work together to get you out. You have got to help yourself at some point.

Cloverforever · 07/02/2025 07:35

This reply has been deleted

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Victim blaming at its worst! Please read up about abuse before blaming this poor lady who has sex against her will and is scared to leave.

Motnight · 07/02/2025 07:34

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/02/2025 07:31

Oh lovely you've been living in hell for the past nine years and he has broken you. The cheating doesn't matter really, he has been abusing and controlling you for uars, that is the issue. This is never going to get an better and in fact it may get a lot worse, for you and your children.

If you can go to your parents house and do it now. You won't be a burden to them.

I agree with this. If you were my DD I would do everything in my power to help.

User7288339 · 07/02/2025 07:33

The messages are the least of your worries.
Get help and leave, how could you put your children in this position all these years.
Just think what he'll be like when they're older especially if you have any girls.
Do you want them to be treated like you?

ServantsGonnaServe · 07/02/2025 07:32

Well obviously you need to leave for good but you need to be ready and safe.

My advice is to book a double length doctors appointment amd discuss it there. Make sure you explain that you are being controlled and stalked to such an extent that this was tour inly option to tell trombone that you are unsafe. It might be that they cannwork with you on a plan or give you space to call a charity but I think its your safest bet as your husband would probably buy you needing to go to the doctor a few times for you or the kids.

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/02/2025 07:31

If you can go to your parents house and do it now. You won't be a burden to them.

Hereagaintoday · 07/02/2025 07:24

You can’t manage change as he has broken down your ability to cope without him. Other women have anxiety and OCD but manage their lives without a man who abuses them.
Your parent want to protect you. As a Mother I would never regard protecting my child from an abusive partner as a ‘burden’. It’s just being a Mother. I’d be devastated if my daughter stayed with a man who abused her because she thought she would be a burden to me. I’d have failed as a Mother.

Your children will be deeply damaged by being raised by a man like this.

Go to your parents. Go to the GP for help with anxiety. Go to Women’s Aid. Get in touch with a MH charity or one specifically for people with anxiety. Get all the help you can.

username299 · 07/02/2025 07:19

OP contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and ask about a refuge. Hopefully you can get a refuge space otherwise you're going to have to go to your parents.

You can't have your children around an abusive rapist who is seeing sex workers. If you think you might have a meltdown then you can see your GP who may be able to offer medication to help.

user1471528631 · 07/02/2025 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Billybagpuss · 07/02/2025 07:11

Jammydonut01 · 07/02/2025 07:07

Of course you do that’s what he’s trained you to have.

Don’t feel bad about the times you’ve tried to leave before, there is a statistic of how many times people try to leave an abusive relationship before they finally succeed.

You’re more likely to succeed with help and support. Your family I’m sure are waiting for you to get out. Harness the power of these ladies here they are amazing in these scenarios. Be strong. You can do this.

(Ps ignore the emails, if it’s the trigger that finally allows you to break free be grateful for them)

SussexLass87 · 07/02/2025 07:07

OP listen to yourself - this man has broken you down so much that you think you care that he's been cheating on you.

He is abusing you.

You have your Mum & sister - tell them about the abuse, let them help you get out

Original poster

Jammydonut01 · 07/02/2025 07:07

OP posts:

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/02/2025 07:02

Look at your children, do you want your sons to become like him? Do you want your daughters to think this is how relationships work? They are learning from you now about adult relationships in the same way they are learning from you how to speak, how to share and how to use their cutlery. You need to find the strength to leave. Get documents together and find a chance to go to your family.

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