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Original poster

For stopping a man taking his daughter in swimming pool changing room?

931 replies

Anotsolittlemermaid · 06/02/2025 23:58

I am a regular user but changed name for this as I’ve spoken to a few people about it so it could be outing. I apologise it’s quite a long post but couldn’t cut it much shorter as context is needed.

I have a monthly subscription to a gym with a swimming pool that’s part of a hotel, on a Wednesday there is women’s aqua aerobics from 7-8 then adult only time from 8pm till 10pm.

Yesterday evening I got to the pool at about 8.15 after aqua aerobics and there was a man who was just arriving at the pool with his young daughter who was about 4/5.

He was being quite annoying letting her disrupt people by jumping in where people were swimming, getting in the path of other swimmers, throwing floats used for aqua across the pool and he was picking her up and throwing her.
The little girl was shrieking and screaming and a few people gave annoyed looks over at him but he carried on getting in everyone’s way.

In the end after about 20 minutes a member of staff came over and asked the man to leave the pool as children’s hours had finished, he argued a bit saying he was trying to tire his daughter out so she would sleep but the staff member was firm and said there had been two sessions of children’s hours for 2 hours at a time earlier in the day that he had been welcome to use but people who wanted to swim properly deliberately avoided them and came later.

The women’s changing room was still busy after aqua and it was mostly women swimming in the pool who had stayed after aqua to continue swimming. The changing rooms are right next to the pool so you can hear when people are in them. The men’s seemed empty but the man and his daughter were also hotel guests so he could have wrapped a towel around her and gone back to the room. He had towels and a hotel robe for himself with him.

When he got out of the pool he put the robe on but took his daughter by the hand and walked towards the women’s changing room obviously intending to go in.

The changing room is open plan with only one cubicle, it had 8 showers, 4 are in cubicles but the other 4 are open, when I had undressed before swimming the changing room had been busy with lots of women using the showers and changing after aqua, there were obviously a few women still in there as I could hear chatting and the hairdryer going.

I had been swimming lengths at the edge of the pool opposite the changing room entrance so when I saw him heading to the women’s I called out to him “sorry but that’s the ladies and it’s busy, you can take your daughter to the men’s I’m sure it’s empty or can you not just put your towel around her and go to your room?”

The man glared at me and said he wasn’t taking his daughter into a room where men might be undressing and he had taken her into changing rooms before where no one had ever had a problem.

I said it was more likely they did have a problem but didn’t feel comfortable saying so, I was getting angry at this point so I said I’d go and get the member of staff to see what he said.

The man obviously knew the staff member wasn’t going to approve this and started ranting about how awful it was that first his daughter had been asked to leave the pool and now he couldn’t even get her dry and dressed again because of busy bodies sticking their oar in. Another women who was swimming and had overheard backed me up that it was completely inappropriate and no one over 8 is allowed in the opposite sex changing room. The man wasn’t happy but wrapped his daughter in the towel and took her his hotel room as I’d suggested. As he was wearing the robe I have no idea if he had planned to use the women’s changing room to shower and get changed himself or not.

I hate confrontation but the other women thanked me for saying something, I spoke to the staff member when I’d finished my swim and he agreed that the man should have used the men’s changing room where there was a free cubicle. He said he’d been cheeky enough bringing his daughter during adult hours when he’d been told earlier he wouldn’t be allowed when he’d asked about it.

I assumed most people would agree with me but my friend said I was completely out of order, she said the little girl was the one who was important and it was much safer and more appropriate for her to get changed in the ladies, she said most mums would be understanding about a father bringing his daughter in and could have got changed under a towel, when I mentioned he had also been in the pool and was possibly planning on getting undressed himself she said “well no one has to look if they don’t want to”
I didn’t want to keep discussing it with her as we had argued before years ago about her bringing her 11 year old son and nephews into ladies changing rooms and I realised she was the wrong person to mention it to.

I also mentioned it to DP and he said that I was right to stop the man going in the ladies but he equally feels uncomfortable when men bring their daughters in, he also swims and said the previous week a little girl had been running naked round the changing room whilst her dad was looking at his phone and he would never allow his daughter to do that as you just don’t know what other men are thinking.

There are no family changing rooms as it’s not really a kids pool with it being attached to a gym and it’s mainly set up for members comfort. The majority of people who bring kids are hotel guests who have rooms.

I don’t feel IABU really but after hearing my friend and DP’s opinion I just wondered what others thought about it. Was I wrong to suggest the man takes his daughter into the men’s changing room? On this occasion a cubicle was free but if it hadn’t been then do some people really think that women should be expected to get showered and undressed in front of a man when he could take her into the mens changing room?
I’m just interested in others thoughts.

There is also a disabled changing room but only one and in my opinion it’s wrong to take that over if you don’t have a disability.

OP posts:
whathaveiforgotten · 07/02/2025 08:42

@Gardensandparks

People need to have some common sense!

I agree. And it's common sense that bringing an 11 year old into a women and girls changing room where there are likely to be women and girls in various states of undress is completely inappropriate.

To the point that if swimming there requires doing so (if there are no unisex facilities and you won't send the 11 year old into the boys) then you need to find a swimming pool that does have suitable changing facilities for your needs.

Poor pre teen and teen girls in there having a boy walk into their space when they're likely to not be dressed. You were so selfish to bring him in there that I'm quite shocked.

5128gap · 07/02/2025 08:38

Adults should not go into the changing areas or toilets of the opposite sex. If this causes problems for parents trying to change or toilet their opposite sex children then they need to either campaign to the relevant body for a family facility if its publicly owned; or in the case of a private business, leave feedback and vote with their feet.

In this case, if there was no workaround acceptable to the man that didn't involve him being in a female only space, then unfortunately his daughter would be unable to swim. That's a shame, but neither the fault of the women in the pool or their responsibility to fix.

LameBorzoi · 07/02/2025 08:38

Ddakji · 07/02/2025 07:52

Then many women and girls would be excluded. The Somali ladies attending the women-only swim session at my local pools, in their burkinis, would not be able to use a mixed sex changing space.

But this is a hotel pool, not a leisure centre.

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But if they were individual private unisex cubicles, with closeable doors, can they not use them?

EdithBond · 07/02/2025 08:29

You were assertive to a man who, at best, was thoughtless and acting entitled.

At worst, he was using his DD as a means to enter a women’s changing room, when it was clear (from voices) women were inside getting out of wet swimwear.

He had other options. He could have got her dressed at the side of the pool. Many a time I’ve had to get my kids out of wet swimwear in public, e.g. on beaches. There’s ways of doing it without anyone seeing them naked. You put a towel around them. Or a child that young can be wrapped in a towel and carried back to their room.

Don’t doubt yourself for being assertive to a man. As long as you were polite.

Your friend was out of order to challenge you on it. If she’d let a man enter a room full of women, likely to be in various states of undress, that’s up to her.

However, in these days of many lone parents to kids of the opposite sex (not to mention couple parents who spend time doing things separately with their kids), swimming pool changing rooms should cater for that, e.g. a poolside shower to wash off chlorine while still in swimmers and a couple of cubicles that can be accessed without having to walk through an open changing room, with open showers. It can be as basic as curtained poolside cubicles. Not hard to install.

Needspaceforlego · 07/02/2025 08:26

Carinattheliqorstore1 · 07/02/2025 01:34

It’s a pain, but I simply don’t take my 9 year old son where there is only communal changing rooms. He’s too young to change with strange men, and too old to come into the women’s with me

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I do think 8 is quite young to be seperated from parent, particularly boys going into the mens alone.
So I do imagine there are plenty to flunt the rule and have 8/9/10 yos in the opposite changing room. But I certainly think by 11 they should be in the correct space.

It's quite mental on another thread a mums being told to use paid childcare to avoid leaving her DD 7 outside the school for a few minutes so she can run for a train. Yet a boy just a few months older is expected to change in the men's changing room alone.

rainingsnoring · 07/02/2025 08:26

Didimum · 07/02/2025 07:29

This is why swimming pools should be unisex changing with (if they can) plenty of cubicles. My DH takes our boy/girl twins swimming alone all the time – where is he meant to take them? Luckily we’ve never come across split sex changing rooms.

In the men's changing rooms, obviously! This really isn't complicated.

MightyGoldBear · 07/02/2025 08:19

I don't think you was in the wrong op. I do think facilities should be better though. Anywhere that allows children needs to have family changing facilities. I'd like to see more private safe cubicles for everyone. I dislike gyms and spas for their open plan changing rooms that usually only have one cubicle.

If so many men find male changing rooms unsafe for their daughters then they need to be campaigning and more vocal about it putting it in the spotlight. Those same men seem to assume women want a male dad in the changing room completely not seeing the issue they are then posing of safety on other women. Those same men will also be saying not all men. But all men when it comes to their daughter.

beAsensible1 · 07/02/2025 08:18

The issue is the hotel because I wouldn’t want my child walking wet through hotel in a bloody towel.
that is not a solution, it’s just failing to provide any changing facility for a father and child.

TenaciousOne · 07/02/2025 08:15

StormingNorman · 07/02/2025 00:11

The problem here is that the gym does not have changing room for parents swimming with their opposite sex children. It is the swimming pools which are BU.

Parents are just trying to get their children changed in whichever changing room feels most appropriate to them - when the reality is that neither option meets their needs.

I agree with this.
The man was wrong to go into a packed women’s only changing room but why places don’t offer at least one or two family changing rooms I don’t know.

At eight I was bullied by women (who happened to be with their own children) at swimming changing rooms as I was swimming with my dad and obviously couldn’t go into the men’s and so was alone. My clothes were pushed off the bench I was getting changed by into puddles and so on. Some people are not nice and I certainly wasn’t happy to let my DS go into a men’s changing room at just eight alone.

BottomWibblyWob · 07/02/2025 08:15

Marchitectmummy · 07/02/2025 01:48

This isn't a new concept, it's pretty common for dad's to take their daughters swimming. The correct place for them to get changed is the male changing room, in a cubicle if available. Same with toilets.

My husband has taken all 5 of our daughters swimming and never been into a womans space to change or go to the toilet, unnecessary.

My dad took me and my mixed sex siblings swimming in the 80’s and we changed in the men’s. We were told to look away and go in a cubicle. Either the average intelligence of men has dropped and they don’t know how give do this simple instruction or entitlement and misogyny has risen. Wonder which it could be

VisitationRights · 07/02/2025 08:15

It is never appropriate for a male to go into the female changing room with his daughter. When the changing rooms are single sex all males over the age of 8 need to stay out.

JHound · 07/02/2025 08:09

You were in the right. Even if the men’s was busy she would be with her father so don’t see what the issue is here.

Dad just sounds like a perv.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 07/02/2025 08:08

each place needs a clearly displayed policy about what they expect.

Which the OP has explained they do have.

Why are so many people tying themselves in knots to defend this man.

littlestrawberryhat · 07/02/2025 08:07

I think you’re really only bothered by the fact that your swimming session in your fancy swimming pool was disturbed. The rest is just a convenient way for you to rant about a child ruining your evening swim. Honestly it’s all a bit of a fuss over nothing isn’t it!!?

TickingAlongNicely · 07/02/2025 08:06

Bryonyberries · 07/02/2025 08:03

There should be family changing rooms for those with young children. The dad wasn't wrong for wanting his daughter to be dried and dressed in a female area but equally it isn't fair on the women getting changed to have a man present. Personally I'm fairly tolerant if a man did this with young children in tow though because it is hard to sort out children in those kind of places as there is no real ideal situation if you have opposite sex children. I hated that I'd have to leave my son to go into men's toilets and changing areas when he was still young but starting to be too old for female areas. It is hard work and a worry.

But would you want your 10yo DD changing in front of a strange man, or your 13yo? Because that's what is happening when Dad's enter a female changing room.... it moves the issue onto other girls.

TheaBrandt · 07/02/2025 08:05

Year 6 is way too old for a boy to be in the ladies. I remember boys that age being very sexually aware when I was at school decades ago imagine they are far worse now.

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/02/2025 08:05

You could have written a quarter of that to make your point OP!

Sunat45degrees · 07/02/2025 08:04

I don't understand all these posters who think a man shouldn't take a young girl into the men's?! When you have a young child , you stay with them in the changing area and can ensure they're safe.The only possible variation on this is that perhaps as the girl gets a bit older, she may be less comfortable. Certainly, from age 7 we were working on helping dd to feel confident to go into the women's alone but mostly because she didn't want to be in the men's by then. It just wasn't an issue before then.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 07/02/2025 08:04

Also think that he was probably already embarrassed and frustrated having been asked to remove his child from the pool when the staff could have quietly told him that the pool wasn't open to children earlier.

They had told him earlier. Before he went in. He want embarrassed; he was arrogant enough to think the clearly explained rules didn't apply and annoyed to find they did.

Bryonyberries · 07/02/2025 08:03

There should be family changing rooms for those with young children. The dad wasn't wrong for wanting his daughter to be dried and dressed in a female area but equally it isn't fair on the women getting changed to have a man present. Personally I'm fairly tolerant if a man did this with young children in tow though because it is hard to sort out children in those kind of places as there is no real ideal situation if you have opposite sex children. I hated that I'd have to leave my son to go into men's toilets and changing areas when he was still young but starting to be too old for female areas. It is hard work and a worry.

stichguru · 07/02/2025 08:02

Moveoverdarlin · 07/02/2025 00:16

At our pool, it’s one big communal area with plenty of individual changing rooms, so I’ve never encountered the 8 year old rule you speak of.

This wasn’t a local pool that the man frequented, he was a guest in a hotel trying to tire his daughter out before bed. He probably had no idea about the changing facilities. He probably didn’t know there was a disabled changing area, or kids couldn’t swim after 8pm, or kids under 8 having to go in the same sex changing room as their parent. The OP was a member and familiar with all this. I think dad needs to be cut some slack, the hotel should have briefed him a bit better.

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This 100%. Unless we have a rule that everywhere that EVER allows kids in has to have family changing and family toilets separate from the men's and women's, each place needs a clearly displayed policy about what they expect.

RoseGoldenGlow · 07/02/2025 07:59

Gardensandparks · 07/02/2025 01:01

Ok point taken! I can see where your opinion comes from. At the time I was focussed on keeping four children safe and didn’t feel comfortable leaving the (very small and young for his age) to go off to the men’s on his own, because his parents wanted me to be with all four children at all times. I’m talking year 6 age child. Not in the same room as girls but quick shower with trunks on, towel dry and changed in cubicle. By himself, while I sorted out little ones. I’d probably do different these days (several years later). But as I said, it’s a topic that caused issues even with little children of both genders….

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My Year 6 son would refuse to go into the women's changing rooms; he'd be appalled by the very idea. Nine and eleven is way too old to be in the opposite sex space and kids that age are fine to get showered and dressed themselves in the right room. Most would find the prospect of going into the wrong one at that age to be absolutely mortifying.

Scrabbelator · 07/02/2025 07:59

Well done op. I'd have done the same.

TheaBrandt · 07/02/2025 07:56

Not in any way defending the man but have found there can be some tensions between hotel guests and locals paying to use the facilities. They have quite different agendas. Have been on both sides.

As a guest you think “I’ve paid a fortune to use this hotel why can’t my kid go in the flipping pool when I want to”. As a local you think “I have paid for my membership get the annoying kids out of the pool it’s not their hours”.

Feelingathomenow · 07/02/2025 07:56

And all the people saying a changing village is the answer- no! I have ben the subject of a man deciding to expose himself by walking to the lockers naked because he “forgot his towel”.

sex segregated changing rooms are good..small children with a parent are fine in the changing rooms of the parents sex.

Grown men should not be allowed in the women’s changing rooms for any reason - well done OP and your fellow swimmer and staff member