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AIBU?

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Original poster

For stopping a man taking his daughter in swimming pool changing room?

931 replies

Anotsolittlemermaid · 06/02/2025 23:58

I am a regular user but changed name for this as I’ve spoken to a few people about it so it could be outing. I apologise it’s quite a long post but couldn’t cut it much shorter as context is needed.

I have a monthly subscription to a gym with a swimming pool that’s part of a hotel, on a Wednesday there is women’s aqua aerobics from 7-8 then adult only time from 8pm till 10pm.

Yesterday evening I got to the pool at about 8.15 after aqua aerobics and there was a man who was just arriving at the pool with his young daughter who was about 4/5.

He was being quite annoying letting her disrupt people by jumping in where people were swimming, getting in the path of other swimmers, throwing floats used for aqua across the pool and he was picking her up and throwing her.
The little girl was shrieking and screaming and a few people gave annoyed looks over at him but he carried on getting in everyone’s way.

In the end after about 20 minutes a member of staff came over and asked the man to leave the pool as children’s hours had finished, he argued a bit saying he was trying to tire his daughter out so she would sleep but the staff member was firm and said there had been two sessions of children’s hours for 2 hours at a time earlier in the day that he had been welcome to use but people who wanted to swim properly deliberately avoided them and came later.

The women’s changing room was still busy after aqua and it was mostly women swimming in the pool who had stayed after aqua to continue swimming. The changing rooms are right next to the pool so you can hear when people are in them. The men’s seemed empty but the man and his daughter were also hotel guests so he could have wrapped a towel around her and gone back to the room. He had towels and a hotel robe for himself with him.

When he got out of the pool he put the robe on but took his daughter by the hand and walked towards the women’s changing room obviously intending to go in.

The changing room is open plan with only one cubicle, it had 8 showers, 4 are in cubicles but the other 4 are open, when I had undressed before swimming the changing room had been busy with lots of women using the showers and changing after aqua, there were obviously a few women still in there as I could hear chatting and the hairdryer going.

I had been swimming lengths at the edge of the pool opposite the changing room entrance so when I saw him heading to the women’s I called out to him “sorry but that’s the ladies and it’s busy, you can take your daughter to the men’s I’m sure it’s empty or can you not just put your towel around her and go to your room?”

The man glared at me and said he wasn’t taking his daughter into a room where men might be undressing and he had taken her into changing rooms before where no one had ever had a problem.

I said it was more likely they did have a problem but didn’t feel comfortable saying so, I was getting angry at this point so I said I’d go and get the member of staff to see what he said.

The man obviously knew the staff member wasn’t going to approve this and started ranting about how awful it was that first his daughter had been asked to leave the pool and now he couldn’t even get her dry and dressed again because of busy bodies sticking their oar in. Another women who was swimming and had overheard backed me up that it was completely inappropriate and no one over 8 is allowed in the opposite sex changing room. The man wasn’t happy but wrapped his daughter in the towel and took her his hotel room as I’d suggested. As he was wearing the robe I have no idea if he had planned to use the women’s changing room to shower and get changed himself or not.

I hate confrontation but the other women thanked me for saying something, I spoke to the staff member when I’d finished my swim and he agreed that the man should have used the men’s changing room where there was a free cubicle. He said he’d been cheeky enough bringing his daughter during adult hours when he’d been told earlier he wouldn’t be allowed when he’d asked about it.

I assumed most people would agree with me but my friend said I was completely out of order, she said the little girl was the one who was important and it was much safer and more appropriate for her to get changed in the ladies, she said most mums would be understanding about a father bringing his daughter in and could have got changed under a towel, when I mentioned he had also been in the pool and was possibly planning on getting undressed himself she said “well no one has to look if they don’t want to”
I didn’t want to keep discussing it with her as we had argued before years ago about her bringing her 11 year old son and nephews into ladies changing rooms and I realised she was the wrong person to mention it to.

I also mentioned it to DP and he said that I was right to stop the man going in the ladies but he equally feels uncomfortable when men bring their daughters in, he also swims and said the previous week a little girl had been running naked round the changing room whilst her dad was looking at his phone and he would never allow his daughter to do that as you just don’t know what other men are thinking.

There are no family changing rooms as it’s not really a kids pool with it being attached to a gym and it’s mainly set up for members comfort. The majority of people who bring kids are hotel guests who have rooms.

I don’t feel IABU really but after hearing my friend and DP’s opinion I just wondered what others thought about it. Was I wrong to suggest the man takes his daughter into the men’s changing room? On this occasion a cubicle was free but if it hadn’t been then do some people really think that women should be expected to get showered and undressed in front of a man when he could take her into the mens changing room?
I’m just interested in others thoughts.

There is also a disabled changing room but only one and in my opinion it’s wrong to take that over if you don’t have a disability.

OP posts:
Motherrr · 07/02/2025 09:26

Definitely wrong for an adult man to enter the women's changing rooms

He should have taken her into the gents and you would hope that any decent man getting dressed in there would try to be discreet and not be flashing his bits everywhere.

I remember going into the men's changing rooms with my dad when I was little- going into the ladies wouldn't even have been a consideration!

whathaveiforgotten · 07/02/2025 09:25

DecafDodger · 07/02/2025 09:18

Get his young daughter naked in a changing room full of naked men?

As opposed forcing an entire changing room full of women to get naked in front of a man?

Exactly this. And girls. He can't know if there are children in there or not so he's happy to put other people's daughters into the same situation he is avoiding putting his own daughter into!

WonderingAboutThus · 07/02/2025 09:22

He takes her to the men's changing room, obviously.

She is there with a male supervising her so she will be fine there.

Thank you for speaking up for all of us!

Ddakji · 07/02/2025 09:19

LameBorzoi · 07/02/2025 08:38

But if they were individual private unisex cubicles, with closeable doors, can they not use them?

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I don’t know. This is a Victorian pool in inner London so probably not enough room to have individual unisex cubicles as you describe. None of the local council ones near me have those - all communal single sex, with a small family changing room if there’s space.

I still don’t see why women should end up self excluding because of an entitled man.

DecafDodger · 07/02/2025 09:18

Get his young daughter naked in a changing room full of naked men?

As opposed forcing an entire changing room full of women to get naked in front of a man?

Projectme · 07/02/2025 09:14

You were right to call him out; well done OP. Your friend is an idiot btw.

1apenny2apenny · 07/02/2025 09:14

Men know that there is a problem with other men but rather than deal with it they expect women to budge over and shut up. Women socially conditioned (your friend, I have friends like this) to put men's needs first so would rather not say anything.

You did the right thing OP, the father should have found a solution that didn't involve him using a female only changing room. The fact is he wanted the easiest solution that suited him, typical.

I love that a pp says 'as long as you were polite' given what a clearly rude and aggressive man he was. I'm all for polite but perhaps these men need to be told in a more assertive way and they'll get the message.

Viviennemary · 07/02/2025 09:13

Of course a man shouldn't be in a woman's changing room.

lovemetomybones · 07/02/2025 09:11

The issue here is that facilities are not catering for this situation. Ideally there needs to be at least one family changing cubicle. I think in this instance using the disabled cubicle would have been the best course of action.

Also he shouldn't have been given entry if he couldn't swim with a child at that time. So I think the issue would have been resolved had the company been more vigilant.

rainingsnoring · 07/02/2025 09:10

whathaveiforgotten · 07/02/2025 08:57

@DeffoNeedANameChange

My opinion on this isn't a popular one on MN but I think it's worse to expect a young child to change with the wrong sex than to expect a fully grown adult to change with the wrong sex.

So what about the female children in the female changing rooms who are forced to change with a male adult who is bringing in their female children?

You can't know if there are women only or women and girls in a changing room.

So even if you do believe what you've said above, you actually agree that it was wrong of the dad to bring his daughter into the female changing rooms?

Exactly. The argument is totally illogical.

rainingsnoring · 07/02/2025 09:09

LameBorzoi · 07/02/2025 08:38

But if they were individual private unisex cubicles, with closeable doors, can they not use them?

Show quote history

So you think a group of women, Muslim or not, should be made to feel extremely uncomfortable within a female sex changing room because a man feels like coming in for no good reason?

whathaveiforgotten · 07/02/2025 09:06

@Didimum

Not if daughter has a physical or mental disability

Then they would use the disabled changing room, surely?

RufustheFactuaIReindeer · 07/02/2025 09:05

You did the right thing OP, well done

FinallyMovingHouse · 07/02/2025 09:04

An adult man should not be taking his DC into the changing room that is not for his sex; end of story. I've had this with a grandad taking his DGD into the women's changing (completely open, lots of women and girls naked) and he just stood there confused, and then said, "but she needs to get changed and she's a girl". Galactic missing of the point, which is the same here.

Ellie1015 · 07/02/2025 08:57

It is kinder to the little girl too. If I was hunched over using a towel to cover me then turned round to find a man in the changing room the conversation would have been a lot worse. I would have been outraged and complaining loudly to staff at this point he would have done something wrong. Less awkward for all to talk before he went in. And if he didn't want to cause a scene he shouldn't have.

whathaveiforgotten · 07/02/2025 08:57

@DeffoNeedANameChange

My opinion on this isn't a popular one on MN but I think it's worse to expect a young child to change with the wrong sex than to expect a fully grown adult to change with the wrong sex.

So what about the female children in the female changing rooms who are forced to change with a male adult who is bringing in their female children?

You can't know if there are women only or women and girls in a changing room.

So even if you do believe what you've said above, you actually agree that it was wrong of the dad to bring his daughter into the female changing rooms?

Brefugee · 07/02/2025 08:54

blackandwhitefur · 07/02/2025 00:05

Where is he supposed to get his daughter changed then?

He could have checked in the men's.
But frankly? I. Don't. Care,
As long as a großen man stays out of the Women's

BremeCrulee · 07/02/2025 08:52

Father here.

When DD was younger I wouldn't dream of taking her into the female toilets or changing rooms whilst I was accompaying her.

The best and only option IMO is a quick glance into the mens by dad, and then usher DD into a cubicle quickly and with minimal fuss.

I find it bizarre a man would even consider going into the females.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/02/2025 08:48

That man is an entitled dickhead, I wouldn't even take my 10 year old and 8 year old sons into womens change room at the local pool as they might run into a female classmate and that wouldnt be ok. If we can't get a family room we wrap up and change at home even when it's freezing. Girls and women deserve safe spaces and men dont belong in women's change rooms. I do think the answer to safe spaces for all involves a rethink in how we currently make changerooms with specific single sex spaces and more seperate changerooms for singles or familes l so everyone can feel safe, but the answer is never going to be adult man in the women's changeroom.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 07/02/2025 08:48

Needspaceforlego · 07/02/2025 08:26

I do think 8 is quite young to be seperated from parent, particularly boys going into the mens alone.
So I do imagine there are plenty to flunt the rule and have 8/9/10 yos in the opposite changing room. But I certainly think by 11 they should be in the correct space.

It's quite mental on another thread a mums being told to use paid childcare to avoid leaving her DD 7 outside the school for a few minutes so she can run for a train. Yet a boy just a few months older is expected to change in the men's changing room alone.

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Totally different. The child left on the street could be grabbed within one minute.

The mum can be waiting right outside the men’s and shout in to make people aware she’s there. If the boy goes straight to a cubicle and back out I don’t see the issue.

Ddakji · 07/02/2025 08:48

TenaciousOne · 07/02/2025 08:15

I agree with this.
The man was wrong to go into a packed women’s only changing room but why places don’t offer at least one or two family changing rooms I don’t know.

At eight I was bullied by women (who happened to be with their own children) at swimming changing rooms as I was swimming with my dad and obviously couldn’t go into the men’s and so was alone. My clothes were pushed off the bench I was getting changed by into puddles and so on. Some people are not nice and I certainly wasn’t happy to let my DS go into a men’s changing room at just eight alone.

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Because it’s a hotel. Realistically, families using the pool are guests and so they can change in their room.

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 07/02/2025 08:47

Tough one.
I see both sides.

I also live in Germany where nakedness is not a big deal and everyone just changes openly in swimming pool changing rooms here. So maybe I've become less horrified at the thought of a man in a woman's changing room...

BottomWibblyWob · 07/02/2025 08:45

Londonfridgeisfalling · 07/02/2025 01:55

I agree with your friend. I think bc the father was a PITA you indirectly took it out on the little girl. You weren't in the changing room, if people in the changing room were uncomfortable they should/would have spoken for themselves. You were still in the pool , and instead of getting on with your lenghths, you were still interested in what this father and daughter were doing and were given an opportunity to stick your beak in and you did. You don't work there and as you were not in the changing room you weren't affected. If you thought what the dad was about to do was wrong, you should have alerted a member of staff. I feel it's passive aggressive on your part bc he got in your way earlier.

You think all half naked women would be happy standing up to a man?

It’s SO simple: that space is not for them. Dont go in.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 07/02/2025 08:44

Moveoverdarlin · 07/02/2025 00:04

How do you know there was a free cubicle in the men’s changing room?

It says right there in the post that the staff member told her?

whathaveiforgotten · 07/02/2025 08:42

@BigBlueEyes678

The little girl's comfort and safety is most important and I think he had the right instinct on this.

Does this one girl's comfort and safety override the comfort and safety of other girls who might be in the correct changing room?

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