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AIBU?

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Original poster

For stopping a man taking his daughter in swimming pool changing room?

931 replies

Anotsolittlemermaid · 06/02/2025 23:58

I am a regular user but changed name for this as I’ve spoken to a few people about it so it could be outing. I apologise it’s quite a long post but couldn’t cut it much shorter as context is needed.

I have a monthly subscription to a gym with a swimming pool that’s part of a hotel, on a Wednesday there is women’s aqua aerobics from 7-8 then adult only time from 8pm till 10pm.

Yesterday evening I got to the pool at about 8.15 after aqua aerobics and there was a man who was just arriving at the pool with his young daughter who was about 4/5.

He was being quite annoying letting her disrupt people by jumping in where people were swimming, getting in the path of other swimmers, throwing floats used for aqua across the pool and he was picking her up and throwing her.
The little girl was shrieking and screaming and a few people gave annoyed looks over at him but he carried on getting in everyone’s way.

In the end after about 20 minutes a member of staff came over and asked the man to leave the pool as children’s hours had finished, he argued a bit saying he was trying to tire his daughter out so she would sleep but the staff member was firm and said there had been two sessions of children’s hours for 2 hours at a time earlier in the day that he had been welcome to use but people who wanted to swim properly deliberately avoided them and came later.

The women’s changing room was still busy after aqua and it was mostly women swimming in the pool who had stayed after aqua to continue swimming. The changing rooms are right next to the pool so you can hear when people are in them. The men’s seemed empty but the man and his daughter were also hotel guests so he could have wrapped a towel around her and gone back to the room. He had towels and a hotel robe for himself with him.

When he got out of the pool he put the robe on but took his daughter by the hand and walked towards the women’s changing room obviously intending to go in.

The changing room is open plan with only one cubicle, it had 8 showers, 4 are in cubicles but the other 4 are open, when I had undressed before swimming the changing room had been busy with lots of women using the showers and changing after aqua, there were obviously a few women still in there as I could hear chatting and the hairdryer going.

I had been swimming lengths at the edge of the pool opposite the changing room entrance so when I saw him heading to the women’s I called out to him “sorry but that’s the ladies and it’s busy, you can take your daughter to the men’s I’m sure it’s empty or can you not just put your towel around her and go to your room?”

The man glared at me and said he wasn’t taking his daughter into a room where men might be undressing and he had taken her into changing rooms before where no one had ever had a problem.

I said it was more likely they did have a problem but didn’t feel comfortable saying so, I was getting angry at this point so I said I’d go and get the member of staff to see what he said.

The man obviously knew the staff member wasn’t going to approve this and started ranting about how awful it was that first his daughter had been asked to leave the pool and now he couldn’t even get her dry and dressed again because of busy bodies sticking their oar in. Another women who was swimming and had overheard backed me up that it was completely inappropriate and no one over 8 is allowed in the opposite sex changing room. The man wasn’t happy but wrapped his daughter in the towel and took her his hotel room as I’d suggested. As he was wearing the robe I have no idea if he had planned to use the women’s changing room to shower and get changed himself or not.

I hate confrontation but the other women thanked me for saying something, I spoke to the staff member when I’d finished my swim and he agreed that the man should have used the men’s changing room where there was a free cubicle. He said he’d been cheeky enough bringing his daughter during adult hours when he’d been told earlier he wouldn’t be allowed when he’d asked about it.

I assumed most people would agree with me but my friend said I was completely out of order, she said the little girl was the one who was important and it was much safer and more appropriate for her to get changed in the ladies, she said most mums would be understanding about a father bringing his daughter in and could have got changed under a towel, when I mentioned he had also been in the pool and was possibly planning on getting undressed himself she said “well no one has to look if they don’t want to”
I didn’t want to keep discussing it with her as we had argued before years ago about her bringing her 11 year old son and nephews into ladies changing rooms and I realised she was the wrong person to mention it to.

I also mentioned it to DP and he said that I was right to stop the man going in the ladies but he equally feels uncomfortable when men bring their daughters in, he also swims and said the previous week a little girl had been running naked round the changing room whilst her dad was looking at his phone and he would never allow his daughter to do that as you just don’t know what other men are thinking.

There are no family changing rooms as it’s not really a kids pool with it being attached to a gym and it’s mainly set up for members comfort. The majority of people who bring kids are hotel guests who have rooms.

I don’t feel IABU really but after hearing my friend and DP’s opinion I just wondered what others thought about it. Was I wrong to suggest the man takes his daughter into the men’s changing room? On this occasion a cubicle was free but if it hadn’t been then do some people really think that women should be expected to get showered and undressed in front of a man when he could take her into the mens changing room?
I’m just interested in others thoughts.

There is also a disabled changing room but only one and in my opinion it’s wrong to take that over if you don’t have a disability.

OP posts:
Cornflakes123 · 07/02/2025 11:33

@DrCoconut the public swimming pools near me all have cubicles but it’s nearly impossible to get swimming lessons for kids there they are in such high demand. Private gyms/hotels have open plan but also do swimming lessons for kids, I was lucky to get a space for my child in one of those but it doesn’t have any cubicles at all.

Sdpbody · 07/02/2025 11:31

I've stopped a man from doing the exact same thing. He got really huffy with me.

Men are entitled.

whoevenknowsanymore · 07/02/2025 11:31

My Dad used to help us get changed in the men's when we were little and my mum wasn't there - it was fine. He was our Dad and he protected us and looked after us.

If the girl's Dad was a danger, letting them both come into the women's won't protect her. If the girl's Dad was not a danger, he can protect her in the men's changing room.

OuterSpaceCadet · 07/02/2025 11:30

DrCoconut · 07/02/2025 11:13

I have never been to a pool that has open plan changing rooms. Every one I've visited has cubicles. Some are in separate men's and women's areas and others are just one big area but no one sees anyone else changing, in fact at our local pool there are signs up requesting people to remain in at least swimwear outside the cubicles. There is 9/10 times a family changing room as well which avoids this type of issue. Is it area dependent or something? Attending an adult only swim session with a child is another issue altogether.

Must vary by area I guess? I'm in London and have used many pools over the years. Lots of local authority ones have cubicles in those mixed sex "changing villages". But all the gyms I've been a member of have had single sex changing with a tiny number of cubicles for how busy they are. Absolute expectation to use communal open plan. The cheap facilities available in a local school after hours have no cubicles at all, it's all open plan.

Actually the next borough over has two pools with single sex changing and just about enough cubicles (although you'd queue at peak time and again, expectation is that open plan is acceptable).

Cornflakes123 · 07/02/2025 11:28

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 07/02/2025 11:25

A child with SEN is disabled and therefore entitled to use the disabled changing room.

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Good point. I saw a post earlier about a ten year old boy with sen having to go into the womens. Not sure if there is a disabled changing room everywhere unfortunately.

ProfessionalPirate · 07/02/2025 11:28

BottomWibblyWob · 07/02/2025 09:35

It isn’t. She doesn’t have more rights to privacy than 10 women. Or 10 other little girls who may be in the women’s changing room. Where they’re supposed to be.

Edited
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They have an equal right to privacy. And little girls should not have to be in the presence of naked strange men. Whether there’s 10 of them or one of them. I’m glad we agree that little girls belong in the women’s changing room, because you seem to be suggesting that it is ok for them to be in the men’s changing room too?

DdraigGoch · 07/02/2025 11:25

Gardensandparks · 07/02/2025 00:42

I was once a nanny for four boys for 8 years. They were all under the age of 6 when I started so I had swimming lessons with all 4 for 5 years. I had no choice but to change all boys in the ladies changing room including showering and drying hair (while two were twins of 2 years old at the beginning). I had complaints at least once out of every month from ladies (usually older) that I shouldn’t have boys in the ladies changing room. Meanwhile - what option do I have with 4 children? It was worse when the elder two were 9 and 11. I was not going to let people bully me to have children get changed alone in a men’s room on my watch. They were little boys! People need to have some common sense!

If the elder two were 9 and 11 then they were more than old enough to go alone into the male changing rooms, leaving you with the small ones.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 07/02/2025 11:25

Cornflakes123 · 07/02/2025 10:53

Totally agree but most places don’t have that. I don’t know what the answer is when places don’t have that facility. Expect 8 year old boys not to swim or change in car ? It is a difficult one . Difficult when child has sen too.

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A child with SEN is disabled and therefore entitled to use the disabled changing room.

Cornflakes123 · 07/02/2025 11:21

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 07/02/2025 10:55

I'm glad someone said this ^^

Because I'm baffled.

So much typing and explanation for what? The OP knows she wasn't BU.

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She knows and you know , but plenty of people on this thread don’t seem to know ! Judging by a lot of the posts

Cornflakes123 · 07/02/2025 11:18

Dotjones · 07/02/2025 10:10

YANBU that the man shouldn't be going into the women's changing room. But it is also unreasonable for him to take her into the men's changing room. Children should never be taken into the opposite sex's changing room, it's a form of abuse. It's the parent's responsibility to make appropriate arrangements, not everyone else's to bend over backwards to accomodate them.

The solution is to have three sets of changing rooms, one for adult men, one for adult women and one for children/transpeople. If segregated facilities are needed, they should be kept segregated. I suppose the other alternative is just get rid of segregation and have it as a free-for-all that anyone can use, like they did when they got rid of racial segregation in the US.

So you think it’s a form of abuse bringing an infant male into female changing rooms or vice versa . Sorry but I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous in my life. What arrangements are people supposed to make ? Not every child has a parent of both sexes. And lumping children and trans people together is a stupid suggestion too.

DrCoconut · 07/02/2025 11:13

I have never been to a pool that has open plan changing rooms. Every one I've visited has cubicles. Some are in separate men's and women's areas and others are just one big area but no one sees anyone else changing, in fact at our local pool there are signs up requesting people to remain in at least swimwear outside the cubicles. There is 9/10 times a family changing room as well which avoids this type of issue. Is it area dependent or something? Attending an adult only swim session with a child is another issue altogether.

wholettheturnipsburn · 07/02/2025 11:11

BigBlueEyes678 · 07/02/2025 00:31

I think YABU. The little girl's comfort and safety is most important and I think he had the right instinct on this. I wouldn't want an 8 year old girl in a men's changing room, I think that's worse.

She would be with her dad. What do you think would happen?

wholettheturnipsburn · 07/02/2025 11:08

AnotherDayAnotherIdea · 07/02/2025 00:26

Two years ago when my kids were 2 and 4 we stayed in a British hotel with a pool. They're not that common. My kids were very excited.

Fortunately we were a foursome so were able to go in both changing rooms, but when we got in the pool, after about ten minutes it became clear there was some kind of fitness session starting up at one end of the pool

We had no idea when we booked, checked in, or went to the pool, there was no signage or information given. However we were given some filthy looks by the women in the group, and we felt very unwelcome and didn't stay long.

Unfortunately hotels seek to make money by letting out a portion of the pool, when at the same time, hotel guests will be keen to use the pool, and the hotel gains bookings by advertising their pool. Hotels need to be clearer about timetables and black out times at the point of booking.

It was unkind of you to talk about the dad to the staff member, and unprofessional of him to comment to you about it. Your friend made some good points, but you have brushed those aside, saying she was the wrong person to talk to.

As I said, in that situation I would have used the disabled changing room, but it seems you even disapprove of that.

Oh dear!

You would
Have used the disabled changing?

Oh dear

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2025 11:02

blackandwhitefur · 07/02/2025 00:05

Where is he supposed to get his daughter changed then?

Not a problem for women to solve

RandomButtons · 07/02/2025 10:59

blackandwhitefur · 07/02/2025 00:05

Where is he supposed to get his daughter changed then?

Children under 8 who need supervision changing need to go into the changing room of the gender of the adult responsible for them.

A grown man can not go in the ladies, and a grown woman can not go in the men’s.

It’s really quite simple.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 07/02/2025 10:56

You were being reasonable. You did actually the right thing. It’s the hotel and their system that needs to be approached. The child should never have been brought in at that time of day.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 07/02/2025 10:55

ThinWomansBrain · 07/02/2025 00:05

Other pool users backed you up, the staff backed you up, the bloke may have grumbled, but didn't use the wo/men's changing room.
what are you looking for exactly?

I'm glad someone said this ^^

Because I'm baffled.

So much typing and explanation for what? The OP knows she wasn't BU.

wholettheturnipsburn · 07/02/2025 10:53

blackandwhitefur · 07/02/2025 00:05

Where is he supposed to get his daughter changed then?

It's there in the OP

the men's changing or their hotel room

Cornflakes123 · 07/02/2025 10:53

Drfosters · 07/02/2025 10:33

Bit tricky as would mean 8 year old boy alone in the men’s changing room? I am not sure I would be comfortable with that.
I was lucky as our swimming pool had communal and separate cubicles so everyone could be reasonably accommodated so never had to face that dilemma.

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Totally agree but most places don’t have that. I don’t know what the answer is when places don’t have that facility. Expect 8 year old boys not to swim or change in car ? It is a difficult one . Difficult when child has sen too.

Flossflower · 07/02/2025 10:52

Sunat45degrees · 07/02/2025 10:12

To be honest, I find it incredibly uncomfortable when women bring their sons into the changing rooms.

Linked to my post re age appropraite expectations, I always think that there's an invisible, and yet weirdly obvious, line that once a boy crosses, makes him someone no one wants to have in the women's changing room. I don't think its linked to size but awareness maybe. That boy who suddenly IS noticing women and girls naked vs the one who's just running around and our inbuilt radars immediately recognise it?. I definitely started noticing DS was aware of the difference between men and women and girls in changing rooms from when he was abot 7 and I started escalating his "must learn to be independent in the changing room" lessons at that point. He was using the mens therefore before he actually turned 8.

Yes, I am a bit older. I remember clearly when 7 used to be the cut off point at swimming changing rooms. I remember seeing signs to that effect on changing room doors. I don’t like seeing older boys in the women’s changing rooms. I have seen women bring their sons into communal women’s changing rooms even when family change is available.
I would have physically stopped a man entering the women’s changing room.
I think if you know you are going to have problems with opposite sex changing you bring a large towel with you to change by the side of the pool, like you would at the beach.

Saggyknickers · 07/02/2025 10:49

HipMax · 07/02/2025 10:36

We don't know. They don't wear badges. That's why we keep them all out.

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⬆️ ⬆️ ⬆️

Saggyknickers · 07/02/2025 10:47

blackandwhitefur · 07/02/2025 00:05

Where is he supposed to get his daughter changed then?

In the mens in a private cubicle (which I'm sure there are) or up in his hotel room.

Quite simple.

pimplebum · 07/02/2025 10:47

the little girl will see her dads body when he changes himself either in the hotel room or in the cubicle
its not appropriate for grown man to be in female changing area
not ideal for 5 year old girl in male changing room but I’d see that as the correct choice

i hate this notion that all men are potential abusers/ perverts so even if there had been men in the male changing room it’s a stretch to assume the girl needs to be shielded from them

Thisistyresome · 07/02/2025 10:44

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/02/2025 00:10

Your friend is an idiot.

He had a room in the hotel, presumably a couple of minutes from the pool. He was just being a tool trying to use the changing rooms.

Exactly, I find the friend quite concerning.

Not only being fine with men in women's changing rooms but taking 11 year old boys in to women's changing rooms. That will be uncomfortable for all concerned.

LetThereBeLove · 07/02/2025 10:41

blackandwhitefur · 07/02/2025 00:05

Where is he supposed to get his daughter changed then?

He was a hotel guest so in his own room.