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Original poster

For stopping a man taking his daughter in swimming pool changing room?

931 replies

Anotsolittlemermaid · 06/02/2025 23:58

I am a regular user but changed name for this as I’ve spoken to a few people about it so it could be outing. I apologise it’s quite a long post but couldn’t cut it much shorter as context is needed.

I have a monthly subscription to a gym with a swimming pool that’s part of a hotel, on a Wednesday there is women’s aqua aerobics from 7-8 then adult only time from 8pm till 10pm.

Yesterday evening I got to the pool at about 8.15 after aqua aerobics and there was a man who was just arriving at the pool with his young daughter who was about 4/5.

He was being quite annoying letting her disrupt people by jumping in where people were swimming, getting in the path of other swimmers, throwing floats used for aqua across the pool and he was picking her up and throwing her.
The little girl was shrieking and screaming and a few people gave annoyed looks over at him but he carried on getting in everyone’s way.

In the end after about 20 minutes a member of staff came over and asked the man to leave the pool as children’s hours had finished, he argued a bit saying he was trying to tire his daughter out so she would sleep but the staff member was firm and said there had been two sessions of children’s hours for 2 hours at a time earlier in the day that he had been welcome to use but people who wanted to swim properly deliberately avoided them and came later.

The women’s changing room was still busy after aqua and it was mostly women swimming in the pool who had stayed after aqua to continue swimming. The changing rooms are right next to the pool so you can hear when people are in them. The men’s seemed empty but the man and his daughter were also hotel guests so he could have wrapped a towel around her and gone back to the room. He had towels and a hotel robe for himself with him.

When he got out of the pool he put the robe on but took his daughter by the hand and walked towards the women’s changing room obviously intending to go in.

The changing room is open plan with only one cubicle, it had 8 showers, 4 are in cubicles but the other 4 are open, when I had undressed before swimming the changing room had been busy with lots of women using the showers and changing after aqua, there were obviously a few women still in there as I could hear chatting and the hairdryer going.

I had been swimming lengths at the edge of the pool opposite the changing room entrance so when I saw him heading to the women’s I called out to him “sorry but that’s the ladies and it’s busy, you can take your daughter to the men’s I’m sure it’s empty or can you not just put your towel around her and go to your room?”

The man glared at me and said he wasn’t taking his daughter into a room where men might be undressing and he had taken her into changing rooms before where no one had ever had a problem.

I said it was more likely they did have a problem but didn’t feel comfortable saying so, I was getting angry at this point so I said I’d go and get the member of staff to see what he said.

The man obviously knew the staff member wasn’t going to approve this and started ranting about how awful it was that first his daughter had been asked to leave the pool and now he couldn’t even get her dry and dressed again because of busy bodies sticking their oar in. Another women who was swimming and had overheard backed me up that it was completely inappropriate and no one over 8 is allowed in the opposite sex changing room. The man wasn’t happy but wrapped his daughter in the towel and took her his hotel room as I’d suggested. As he was wearing the robe I have no idea if he had planned to use the women’s changing room to shower and get changed himself or not.

I hate confrontation but the other women thanked me for saying something, I spoke to the staff member when I’d finished my swim and he agreed that the man should have used the men’s changing room where there was a free cubicle. He said he’d been cheeky enough bringing his daughter during adult hours when he’d been told earlier he wouldn’t be allowed when he’d asked about it.

I assumed most people would agree with me but my friend said I was completely out of order, she said the little girl was the one who was important and it was much safer and more appropriate for her to get changed in the ladies, she said most mums would be understanding about a father bringing his daughter in and could have got changed under a towel, when I mentioned he had also been in the pool and was possibly planning on getting undressed himself she said “well no one has to look if they don’t want to”
I didn’t want to keep discussing it with her as we had argued before years ago about her bringing her 11 year old son and nephews into ladies changing rooms and I realised she was the wrong person to mention it to.

I also mentioned it to DP and he said that I was right to stop the man going in the ladies but he equally feels uncomfortable when men bring their daughters in, he also swims and said the previous week a little girl had been running naked round the changing room whilst her dad was looking at his phone and he would never allow his daughter to do that as you just don’t know what other men are thinking.

There are no family changing rooms as it’s not really a kids pool with it being attached to a gym and it’s mainly set up for members comfort. The majority of people who bring kids are hotel guests who have rooms.

I don’t feel IABU really but after hearing my friend and DP’s opinion I just wondered what others thought about it. Was I wrong to suggest the man takes his daughter into the men’s changing room? On this occasion a cubicle was free but if it hadn’t been then do some people really think that women should be expected to get showered and undressed in front of a man when he could take her into the mens changing room?
I’m just interested in others thoughts.

There is also a disabled changing room but only one and in my opinion it’s wrong to take that over if you don’t have a disability.

OP posts:
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pharmer · 21/06/2025 19:43

I don't understand how the kid would be at risk in the men's changing room with her dad?!! Although I suppose it would not be fair on other men getting changed

askmenow · 21/06/2025 18:54

Given I'd be showering in the communal showers in the nud, I'd be soooo pissed off if that bloke were to walk into the female changing rooms, daughter or not!
I'd have yelled at him to GET OUT! Pervert.
Pools should have cubicles for issues like this.
There's something to be said for the old victorian design pools where individual cubicles lined the sides of the room.

Given he had a hotel room available, he was being a massive plonker. WTAF!

chaosmaker · 11/02/2025 18:31

but if the idiot man had listened when he was told that there was NO child swimming at that time, none of this would have happened.

Grammarnut · 10/02/2025 08:46

MumChp · 07/02/2025 00:03

No, I wouldn't be understanding that a father went into the womens' room to help his daughter. At all.
It sounds 100% bonkers.

When DGD was small DS took her into the men's changing rooms, alond with DGS, and used a cubicle.

bythere · 09/02/2025 22:45

IridescentRainbow · 09/02/2025 09:11

My ex used to take my girls into the gents with him if I wasn’t there. There wasn’t a choice if he didn’t want to go into the ladies. This was in toilets and changing rooms. When I asked him about men in the urinals he said “If the girls look all they see is men standing with their backs to them, and it takes seconds to get into a cubicle “

Show quote history

My DH took our daughter(6 now) as well when out with her. He said there were never any issues with doing so. He would see little girls with their dads in there a lot himself; sometimes they might briefly glance at men using the urinals when they were having their hands washed at the sink or when walking past with their dads into a stall and no one ever said anything or seemed to care. Because they're young children, that's why, and accompanied by a parent.

latetothefisting · 09/02/2025 21:36

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 09/02/2025 10:43

To reply to some of your comments, clearly in this situation the dad should have used his hotel room but he didn't for whatever reason.
I have a son and a stepdaughter, I met my stepdaughter when she was 4... So on most outings she would have come into public toilets with me. If she was alone with her dad he would have to use a disabled toilet or a bush. She would have gone ape shit if he had took her into a men's urinal. (Who can blame her)
As I've said, I was single for the first 12 years of my son's life. From memory if we were out and about and he needed the toilet again bush or disabled toilets. If that wasn't available he used the woman's toilet. This never caused a problem!
As I've said before, a boy was SA in a man's McDonald's toilet in my area. Extreme and rare I know but it made my mind up that I wouldn't send him into a men's toilet/changing room alone.
It's not ideal and it's why (like at my local swimming pool) there should be open plan unisex family changing rooms.
As others have also pointed out, boys (definitely my son) get to age 7/8 and don't want to share a cubicle with their mum. That's why the plan of cubicles makes more sense again, they can go next door where you can hear they are safe.
People can argue back all they want but I'm not going to change my opinion. I have been SA, flashed at, intimidated by to many men in my life that means I'd never want to send a child into a room full of naked men. I know we all did it with our dads forty years ago but times have moved on (thank god)
I also completely get that it's a risk to women to have a man wander into the changing area, like I said.. he should have used his room but failing that there should have been a third option for his daughter.
And before anyone says it, I'm aware that single parents of opposite sex children can decide to never go swimming but lots want to.

And before anyone says it, I'm aware that single parents of opposite sex children can decide to never go swimming but lots want to.

Your (or their) WANT doesn't trump everyone else's wants, or the swimming pool's rules, though.

Just like you follow all the other rules the pool has - wearing appropriate swimwear, paying for entry, not waterbombing other swimmers, not taking children to adult only sessions, children being accompanied in the pool, no pushing people in, etc.

If you want to go to a specific pool, and the rules of that pool are no children over 8 in the opposite sex changing room, then you follow that rule, or you don't go to that pool. It's as simple as that. You don't get to pick and choose. It's not that hard.

SandandSky · 09/02/2025 20:50

The swimming pool we regularly use has one large unisex changing room. No hooks or benches, just lockers in the middle, separate lockable shower cubicles and then large lockable changing cubicles. It is SO much easier because no one gets changed or showered where anyone else can see and you can just go in one cubicle as a family or any combination of parent/child… you just get on with it without the fuss.

When we go somewhere else I have a bit of a rude awakening when we have to faff with Male/Female changing rooms and who’s going in with who 😂

Needspaceforlego · 09/02/2025 20:28

The places that I've come across with only Male / Female are various hotels, A couple of private gyms, A pool in a university, and a couple of pools attached to schools (one council, one private).
Oh and a purpose built swimming lesson facility. Which was bonkers I'm sure they were trying to cut costs with 2 open plan rooms rather than individual cubicles.

I've tried swimming lessons for my kids in various places, inc the uni, school, private gym and council facilities.

Council facilities tend to be changing villages with individual cubicle.

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 09/02/2025 16:21

bournevilleismyfavourite · 09/02/2025 15:54

@NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle as a mum of 3 boys I know what you mean sending your son into the men’s . I did feel uncomfortable about doing that when they were between 8 and around about 12 (I still did though). It was easier when I could send 2 boys in at a time. With 3 boys I couldn’t take them swimming on my own anyway so it wasn’t really an issue.

But I still don’t understand your point of the girl being “at risk “ in the men’s with her dad. How?

You're right she would probably be fine with her dad but she might not have felt comfortable. My stepdaughter would have gone ballistic if my husband had tried to take her into the men's changing room when she was 5. (I don't think that's bratty behaviour that she would have had to get over, I understand why that would make a little girl uncomfortable)
The dad in this case should have used his hotel room.
My first response on this post was YANBU to not want a man in a female changing room but YABU to expect a little girl to go into a men's.
It's pretty shocking there isn't a third space for children/parents. I've lived in London and now Sussex, I've never come across a swimming pool that doesn't have unisex family changing rooms. Thought they were standard but obviously not.

bournevilleismyfavourite · 09/02/2025 15:54

@NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle as a mum of 3 boys I know what you mean sending your son into the men’s . I did feel uncomfortable about doing that when they were between 8 and around about 12 (I still did though). It was easier when I could send 2 boys in at a time. With 3 boys I couldn’t take them swimming on my own anyway so it wasn’t really an issue.

But I still don’t understand your point of the girl being “at risk “ in the men’s with her dad. How?

ruethewhirl · 09/02/2025 14:39

MyPearlCrow · 08/02/2025 23:33

It’s only upsetting if the child has been taught that bodies are somehow wrong. Which is wrong.

Show quote history

You're wrong. At no point in my childhood was I ever given the message that bodies were wrong.

What I was taught, along with most people in Western society, was that certain parts of the body were private and you didn't show them in public. If you're not able to conceive that for some children the disparity between this and seeing strangers with their private parts out - possibly parts the child didn't know existed - could be unsettling, then you're lacking imagination imo. Or else a militant naturist, which still wouldn't mean you were right.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 09/02/2025 13:54

rainingsnoring · 09/02/2025 08:36

'BUT children safety trumps every one else's, so although not ideal I'd rather a dad rush his small child into a woman's cubicle rather then live in a world where children are put at risk.'

The little girl wasn't at risk. She was with her own father! What exactly is the risk here? If he doesn't like the thought of naked men in the vicinity of his daughter, he can make other arrangements (he had options). He does not impose himself on a group of naked women. That is absolutely unacceptable in any circumstance.

Exactly. The child wasn’t in an unsafe situation. She was with her dad.

aLittleWhiteHorse · 09/02/2025 11:12

OliveThe0therReindeer · 09/02/2025 08:51

Can someone please explain why the supposed right of this man’s DD ( to not get changed in front of men) is more important than the rights of the other girls already in the female changing room to not get changed in front of men? Or those who may wish to get changed but can’t because there’s a man in there ?

Why does the right of a girl who is accompanied by a man trump the rights of girls who are alone or girls who are accompanied by women ?

Its hard for me to see how this line of argument is about the rights of children. From here it looks a lot like men’s rights.

100% this!

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 09/02/2025 10:43

To reply to some of your comments, clearly in this situation the dad should have used his hotel room but he didn't for whatever reason.
I have a son and a stepdaughter, I met my stepdaughter when she was 4... So on most outings she would have come into public toilets with me. If she was alone with her dad he would have to use a disabled toilet or a bush. She would have gone ape shit if he had took her into a men's urinal. (Who can blame her)
As I've said, I was single for the first 12 years of my son's life. From memory if we were out and about and he needed the toilet again bush or disabled toilets. If that wasn't available he used the woman's toilet. This never caused a problem!
As I've said before, a boy was SA in a man's McDonald's toilet in my area. Extreme and rare I know but it made my mind up that I wouldn't send him into a men's toilet/changing room alone.
It's not ideal and it's why (like at my local swimming pool) there should be open plan unisex family changing rooms.
As others have also pointed out, boys (definitely my son) get to age 7/8 and don't want to share a cubicle with their mum. That's why the plan of cubicles makes more sense again, they can go next door where you can hear they are safe.
People can argue back all they want but I'm not going to change my opinion. I have been SA, flashed at, intimidated by to many men in my life that means I'd never want to send a child into a room full of naked men. I know we all did it with our dads forty years ago but times have moved on (thank god)
I also completely get that it's a risk to women to have a man wander into the changing area, like I said.. he should have used his room but failing that there should have been a third option for his daughter.
And before anyone says it, I'm aware that single parents of opposite sex children can decide to never go swimming but lots want to.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 09/02/2025 09:37

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 09/02/2025 00:40

I don't know what your weird agenda is but it sounds pretty perverted to not respect this.

@Hillcrest2022
Ignoring the fact you've called me a pervert 😂 I don't have an agenda!!
Just a different opinion to you.
As a woman that has personally dealt with sexual violence I completely understand and agree that women should have spaces that remain a men free zone.
BUT children safety trumps every one else's, so although not ideal I'd rather a dad rush his small child into a woman's cubicle rather then live in a world where children are put at risk. As I've said several times now there clearly needs to be a third space (family changing rooms)
I'm not going to comment further because we are not going to see each other's point of view on this one, that doesn't make me a pervert though.

"But children safety trumps every one else's, so although not ideal I'd rather a dad rush his small child into a woman's cubicle rather then live in a world where children are put at risk"

You might have a point if the child's safety was being put at risk but there is no risk to the child's safety in the men's changing room when accompanied by her father.

IridescentRainbow · 09/02/2025 09:11

Toddlerteaplease · 09/02/2025 04:05

In the men's. That's what my dad used to do with us when we were little.

Show quote history

My ex used to take my girls into the gents with him if I wasn’t there. There wasn’t a choice if he didn’t want to go into the ladies. This was in toilets and changing rooms. When I asked him about men in the urinals he said “If the girls look all they see is men standing with their backs to them, and it takes seconds to get into a cubicle “

grinchalicious · 09/02/2025 09:08

OliveThe0therReindeer · 09/02/2025 08:51

Can someone please explain why the supposed right of this man’s DD ( to not get changed in front of men) is more important than the rights of the other girls already in the female changing room to not get changed in front of men? Or those who may wish to get changed but can’t because there’s a man in there ?

Why does the right of a girl who is accompanied by a man trump the rights of girls who are alone or girls who are accompanied by women ?

Its hard for me to see how this line of argument is about the rights of children. From here it looks a lot like men’s rights.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

This!!

grinchalicious · 09/02/2025 09:07

No way, you were right to intervene OP. A 4 or 5 year old can go into the opposite sex changing rooms, he should have taken her into the men's. Your friend is bonkers.

IridescentRainbow · 09/02/2025 08:59

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 08/02/2025 23:19

Except it's not, because believe or not you are not in charge of the world.

Show quote history

What????

OliveThe0therReindeer · 09/02/2025 08:51

Can someone please explain why the supposed right of this man’s DD ( to not get changed in front of men) is more important than the rights of the other girls already in the female changing room to not get changed in front of men? Or those who may wish to get changed but can’t because there’s a man in there ?

Why does the right of a girl who is accompanied by a man trump the rights of girls who are alone or girls who are accompanied by women ?

Its hard for me to see how this line of argument is about the rights of children. From here it looks a lot like men’s rights.

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 09/02/2025 08:37

@NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle Yes, kids safety it the most important, what about the safety of the 9-10-11yo girl starting puberty and suddenly there is a grown man in her changing room? Or a boy older than 8 who is staring at her?
Again, anybody older than 8 should never enter the opposite sex changing room, full stop. That is the rule. If someone believes their circumstances mean they can’t comply, they can absolutely discuss with the venue and try to find a solution, but that will never be a male older than 8 in the female changing room.

rainingsnoring · 09/02/2025 08:36

'BUT children safety trumps every one else's, so although not ideal I'd rather a dad rush his small child into a woman's cubicle rather then live in a world where children are put at risk.'

The little girl wasn't at risk. She was with her own father! What exactly is the risk here? If he doesn't like the thought of naked men in the vicinity of his daughter, he can make other arrangements (he had options). He does not impose himself on a group of naked women. That is absolutely unacceptable in any circumstance.

Flossflower · 09/02/2025 08:27

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 08/02/2025 22:25

The whole anyone over age 8 needs to be in a changing room for their own sex is completely stupid. So pedophiles are a risk to seven year old boys but an eight year old just has to deal with this potential danger. As a single mum to a now adult boy this was always a concern to me. (I mentioned up post that a boy was SA in a McDonald's toilet within two minutes from where I was living) I know hope that sort of terrible situation is rare but why risk it.
Thankfully the swimming in my area has open plan unisex changing room and everyone uses a cubicle.
I am all for women having their own space but if the choice is me or a little girl/boy then I choose the safety of children every single time.
What should really happen is that every establishment that has changing rooms and toilets should legally provide a space for a single dad to take his little girl and a single mum to take her little boy.
I have a new nephew and in no world in eight years times if he is alone with me and nature calls will I be sending him into a man's cubicle block on his own.

I don’t agree with you. I have stopped an older boy entering the women’s toilets. The mother sent him in. She did not go with him. I have never met this in a changing room. As a previous poster suggested, it is up to you to check what changing facilities are available before you go to a place or change under a towel beside the pool. I used to go as an extra adult to take the children swimming when my child was in year 3. None of the boys would have wanted to join the girls changing.

MinnieMountain · 09/02/2025 06:11

@Needspaceforlego it's not that simple. My 11yo DS told me when he was 9 that’s he’s not comfortable with seeing me naked (I’m a woman), yet still doesn’t mind me seeing him naked. 8 is a sensible cut off IMO.

Youbutterbelieve · 09/02/2025 06:03

My DH in this situation would have taken DD (who is the same age as the child in the OP) in the men's and got her changed under a towel/ waited until the cubicle was free or changed her in the loo. Absolutely no way would he have gone in the womens!