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AIBU?

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Original poster

What should I throw at this man?

109 replies

ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 20:49

For the past six months or so I have been ‘woken’ at 5.45-6.15 am by a man “huakk”-ing and spitting outside my house.
If I’m already awake I recognise his footsteps and it’s ALWAYS right outside my house. It’s so guttural and then the spit it makes me feel sick.

I live on a feeder road for the high street, so I expect footfall, talking, cars, dogs and general noise. At weekends we get the nightclub/pub crowds. None have ever bothered me.

Do you think he only allows himself to do such a heinous act every “X” amount of houses? Do you think he has taken great dislike to the tree outside my house? Could he be using the rainwater drain and actually thinks he’s an upstanding member of the community because he’s so thoughtful?

Honestly, I can’t even explain the sound, but I’m sure you’ve heard it and know the exact one.

So…water pistol or wet loo roll tomorrow morning?

(note: please don’t take this too seriously)

OP posts:
Agapornis · 06/02/2025 21:51

Paintball gun

I often dream of mounting a paintball gun on my bicycle to mark all dangerous drivers in lurid yellow paint splodges

TheoTurkey · 06/02/2025 21:50

We have a horrible neighbour and, without any training our cat started using their front garden as a toilet. I don’t know if they’re aware as it’s shrubbery, but we’ve seen him squatting many times.

He also took a weird dislike to my daughter’s ex boyfriend who turned out to be a wrongun. He vomited on his coat (left on the floor in the hallway)

I’ll pop him on the train to visit you in the morning

Like I say, he’s not trained, so I can’t guarantee what he’ll do to your vile passer by, but you wont regret having him to stay (he likes yellow dreamies best)

jackstini · 06/02/2025 21:50

One of those massive confetti cannons...

TiramisuThief · 06/02/2025 21:50

Napalm is the solution

He'll never trouble you again.

ScottBakula · 06/02/2025 21:45

Mix flour and water into a sloppy but handalble gloopy mess and fire it at using a catapult the spot he normally spits at exactly the same time as he spits , he will wonder what the hell he coughed up .
If it doesn't work you could just fire it directly on him

bettybluesandtwos · 06/02/2025 21:45

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 21:42

Get a Karaoke machine and a microphone (they were apparently the Christmas Gift of 2024 on Temu) 😆 and speak into the microphone saying “You wake me up every morning so please stop coughing up your spit and phlegm. It’s disgusting. Tomorrow I’m going to spray you with water if you do it again. You have been warned!”

Not a bad idea.
Can you make a coughing sound or similar, or something witty (it's too late and I'm too tired to think what that might be) and repeat, repeat, repeat each time?

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 21:42

Get a Karaoke machine and a microphone (they were apparently the Christmas Gift of 2024 on Temu) 😆 and speak into the microphone saying “You wake me up every morning so please stop coughing up your spit and phlegm. It’s disgusting. Tomorrow I’m going to spray you with water if you do it again. You have been warned!”

chelseahealyslips · 06/02/2025 21:38

I have a small child that might do the job. He's 7. Doesn't eat much but would pack a mean wallop if thrown at someone?

this is completely a joke for anyone that doesn't get that

FallenRaingel · 06/02/2025 21:38

Wet loo roll sounds like a good plan. Fill it with glitter. Lots and lots of glitter.

DDivaStar · 06/02/2025 21:37

MixedBananas · 06/02/2025 21:14

An outside dog will so the trick. Especially if he sneaks up and barks right at him 😂

Actually my MIL has dogs on her ring doorbell and it sounds quite realistic. Maybe play dogs barking when he does it, might be enough to encourage him to do it elsewhere....

TheHillsIsLonely · 06/02/2025 21:36

Would you like to borrow one of our Llamas to beat him at his own game? Now they can spit. In fact they can spit saliva and stomach contents over a distance of about 6ft. No charge! Failing that you can buy a No Spitting sign on eBay for your tree.

coronafiona · 06/02/2025 21:36

Nerf gun

Whatwouldnanado · 06/02/2025 21:35

Jetwasher.

Katemax82 · 06/02/2025 21:33

Cold cup of piss

ThatUniqueKoala · 06/02/2025 21:32

Stripeyanddotty · 06/02/2025 21:20

The crossbow ‘jokes’ are not remotely funny.

Slingshot?

Springadorable · 06/02/2025 21:31

I can post you my neighbour's cat if you don't have one to hand. Only has eight lives left though I'm afraid.

Original poster
ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 21:25

@Stripeyanddotty
But chamber pots, bags of flour and birds are completely serious.

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 06/02/2025 21:23

@Renamed this had me chuckling

Original poster
ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 21:21

I could try to drop a cat on him? Maybe he’s asthmatic. If not then they have claws and I have 9 attempts.

OP posts:
Stripeyanddotty · 06/02/2025 21:20

The crossbow ‘jokes’ are not remotely funny.

ItsChristmasEEEVEJeff · 06/02/2025 21:19

Omg I could have written this post myself about a neighbour I have. The gutteral spluttering and spit makes me feel sick when I hear it. Stupid o’clock in the morning as well.

Echobelly · 06/02/2025 21:18

Neveranynamesleft · 06/02/2025 21:16

A filled bedchamber pot that you chucketh from thy window....

Totally fair and proportionate

Latenightreader · 06/02/2025 21:18

Renamed · 06/02/2025 21:15

Sellotape the box of tissues to the tree, but attach them by a string to a bag of flour in the branch above, so that it descends and covers him when he takes one…

Or skip the tissues and go straight to the flour bag...

Do you have a megaphone and a very bright torch? Next time you hear the hauuuk start, shine the light and shout 'stop spitting'!

Balloonhearts · 06/02/2025 21:17

Pan of frying oil. The older and grosser, the better. I suggest hitting up the local McDonald's 🤣

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 06/02/2025 21:16

Bb gun here...
But honestly run to the window and tell him he's a disgusting pig... Take a pic and shame him on local news page..
Fucking grim is spitting...