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Original poster

What should I throw at this man?

109 replies

ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 20:49

For the past six months or so I have been ‘woken’ at 5.45-6.15 am by a man “huakk”-ing and spitting outside my house.
If I’m already awake I recognise his footsteps and it’s ALWAYS right outside my house. It’s so guttural and then the spit it makes me feel sick.

I live on a feeder road for the high street, so I expect footfall, talking, cars, dogs and general noise. At weekends we get the nightclub/pub crowds. None have ever bothered me.

Do you think he only allows himself to do such a heinous act every “X” amount of houses? Do you think he has taken great dislike to the tree outside my house? Could he be using the rainwater drain and actually thinks he’s an upstanding member of the community because he’s so thoughtful?

Honestly, I can’t even explain the sound, but I’m sure you’ve heard it and know the exact one.

So…water pistol or wet loo roll tomorrow morning?

(note: please don’t take this too seriously)

OP posts:
CluelessAboutBiology · 06/02/2025 22:34

TheHillsIsLonely · 06/02/2025 22:24

One of my DC wanted pet magenpies (magpies) after reading about and watching The Durrells. A friend had a pet mynah bird but it was very foul-mouthed.

Show quote history

We read one of the books at school, about a hundred years ago, and to this day I still call them magenpies.

TheHillsIsLonely · 06/02/2025 22:34

ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 22:19

Don’t be silly, he’ll tell me his name when he trusts me enough to talk to me. I’ll probably call him “sir” or “my lord” until that happens, for propriety’s sake.

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Russell? Sheryl?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/02/2025 22:34

Teach your Crow Master to approach at low altitude - you might need to attach two lights to his wings so that they converge at the required height - and then to release two halves of a tennis ball loosely fixed together and holding a solution of PVA adhesive and lots of glitter in such a manner that it bounces like a stone skimming across a pond until it hits him in the back of the head and detonates separates at the ideal location for maximum glitterage.

You might need some more Corvids to do this properly, mind.

lifeonmars100 · 06/02/2025 22:31

Lob a soaking wet sponge out of the window aimed at his head and shout "clean it up you nasty pig"

Craftycorvid · 06/02/2025 22:29

Spitoon?

Mansionscoldandgrey · 06/02/2025 22:27

How about a phlegm activated searchlight?

TheHillsIsLonely · 06/02/2025 22:24

ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 22:17

I genuinely do need a new patio.

…..but I’m also really really wanting a pet crow now. Not even to mete out revenge, but because I’m getting really fond of (the idea of) him.

Show quote history

One of my DC wanted pet magenpies (magpies) after reading about and watching The Durrells. A friend had a pet mynah bird but it was very foul-mouthed.

MrsMillyFluff · 06/02/2025 22:22

TheoTurkey · 06/02/2025 21:50

We have a horrible neighbour and, without any training our cat started using their front garden as a toilet. I don’t know if they’re aware as it’s shrubbery, but we’ve seen him squatting many times.

He also took a weird dislike to my daughter’s ex boyfriend who turned out to be a wrongun. He vomited on his coat (left on the floor in the hallway)

I’ll pop him on the train to visit you in the morning

Like I say, he’s not trained, so I can’t guarantee what he’ll do to your vile passer by, but you wont regret having him to stay (he likes yellow dreamies best)

Your neighbour vomited on your daughter's ex boyfriends coat? 😜

PennyApril54 · 06/02/2025 22:21

Bang on the window loudly but then hide so he isn't sure where the noise came from but gets the hint (hopefully) 🙈

Original poster
ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 22:19

rainbowruthie · 06/02/2025 22:15

Have you chosen a name for your crow?

Don’t be silly, he’ll tell me his name when he trusts me enough to talk to me. I’ll probably call him “sir” or “my lord” until that happens, for propriety’s sake.

OP posts:
ooooohnoooooo · 06/02/2025 22:17

Super soaker filled with wee ?

Original poster
ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 22:17

TheHillsIsLonely · 06/02/2025 22:14

It's all getting a bit complicated. Is it just time for a new patio?

I genuinely do need a new patio.

…..but I’m also really really wanting a pet crow now. Not even to mete out revenge, but because I’m getting really fond of (the idea of) him.

OP posts:
Franjipanl8r · 06/02/2025 22:16

I’d set my alarm and prop the window open waiting and shout “not today thanks mate” at him when he does it. He’ll think you’re mad but I bet it works if you do it for a week!

rainbowruthie · 06/02/2025 22:15

Have you chosen a name for your crow?

TheHillsIsLonely · 06/02/2025 22:14

It's all getting a bit complicated. Is it just time for a new patio?

Stripeyanddotty · 06/02/2025 22:13

I am going to sound very boring here
I grew up in Northern Ireland
Tarring and feathering was a punishment meted out to women who ‘associated’ with British soldiers. It involved hot tar being poured on their heads and then feathers stuck to them. They were then forced to walk in their community while abuse wad shouted at them.
Please stick to lighthearted glitter jokes.

SewingIsMySuperPower · 06/02/2025 22:12

ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 22:09

Could PVA glue and cat hair be substitutes?

Actually this might all take a bit longer than I envisioned as I’ll first have to train the cats not to eat my crow. 🐦‍⬛

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I reckon pva glue and cat hair will work 1st time. Save the tar and feathers for if the cat hair doesn't work. Gives you time to separate the cat and the crow too (and will tell you if he also has allergies you can exploit)

Original poster
ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 22:09

SewingIsMySuperPower · 06/02/2025 22:04

Do you have access to a cauldron and some oil to boil? Or tar and feathers? The crow you're going to train could probably assist you in rounding up sufficient feathers for this. And you might find a friendly street resurfacer who will provide some tar(mac) for free?

Could PVA glue and cat hair be substitutes?

Actually this might all take a bit longer than I envisioned as I’ll first have to train the cats not to eat my crow. 🐦‍⬛

OP posts:
SewingIsMySuperPower · 06/02/2025 22:04

Do you have access to a cauldron and some oil to boil? Or tar and feathers? The crow you're going to train could probably assist you in rounding up sufficient feathers for this. And you might find a friendly street resurfacer who will provide some tar(mac) for free?

feathermucker · 06/02/2025 22:03

Tarzan roar loudly right out of the window

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 06/02/2025 22:01

Insults.

TheHillsIsLonely · 06/02/2025 21:59

Apologies. It has just been pointed out to me at home that I have under-reported our Llamas' spitting distance in my rush to help but it is too late to edit. It is actually 12ft or so if that makes any difference to you. I could also offer 2 highly trained guard and attack geese, although their alarm calls and hissing might bother you more than your delightful early morning visitor.

Thelnebriati · 06/02/2025 21:58

Get some chalk and mark the pavement into a game board, assign a score for each square and make sure his yesterdays loogie is in a low scoring square.

Original poster
ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 21:56

Glitter is almost beating the crow. (Not literally, because I feel I should be clear on that).

OP posts:
Tortielady · 06/02/2025 21:51

Neveranynamesleft · 06/02/2025 21:16

A filled bedchamber pot that you chucketh from thy window....

That was my thought too.

"Garde a l’eau!”