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Original poster

What should I throw at this man?

109 replies

ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 20:49

For the past six months or so I have been ‘woken’ at 5.45-6.15 am by a man “huakk”-ing and spitting outside my house.
If I’m already awake I recognise his footsteps and it’s ALWAYS right outside my house. It’s so guttural and then the spit it makes me feel sick.

I live on a feeder road for the high street, so I expect footfall, talking, cars, dogs and general noise. At weekends we get the nightclub/pub crowds. None have ever bothered me.

Do you think he only allows himself to do such a heinous act every “X” amount of houses? Do you think he has taken great dislike to the tree outside my house? Could he be using the rainwater drain and actually thinks he’s an upstanding member of the community because he’s so thoughtful?

Honestly, I can’t even explain the sound, but I’m sure you’ve heard it and know the exact one.

So…water pistol or wet loo roll tomorrow morning?

(note: please don’t take this too seriously)

OP posts:
Notcanceroops · 06/02/2025 23:38

My car is usually parked on the road (no driveway) and there is a grass verge and bushes nearby. Occasionally men decide to piss here. Never seen a woman piss here. Usually taxi drivers or workmen. For example: house on the street had an extension (so did we, we included hire of portaloo for ours, they did not). Everyday for weeks they had two builders pissing in the bush by my car. Now, some might not be bothered by this but it really boiled my piss to watch them strut over and piss and then strut away across the road whilst zipping up their trousers. It is minging. I have to tell my kids not to walk across the grass because it is piss alley.

So (and relevant to OP) I used to set my car alarm off from my house as they pissed. Made my day.

sometimesmovingforwards · 06/02/2025 23:33

Maybe you could throw the hawk tuah girl at him, they could hang out together.

user1492757084 · 06/02/2025 23:30

Install a movement sensored light, dog bark and watering hose that activates a wide water spray at the tree..
Turn your alarm to 5:45am to switch the sensor on when he approaches.
"Sorry Mate, just me and my Alsation watering the tree."
Have that occur every morning.

MrGoldfarts · 06/02/2025 23:26

But first @ButFirstCovfefe would have to ensure she isn't within Chester main city wall, and that the man isn't Welsh!

Mamabear300 · 06/02/2025 23:18

Oh my god! 😂 I'm sat here giggling my head off at this thread (not the spitting ect that's just disgusting) but I sympathise OP.

When I was pregnant with my second DD I was sat eating a lovely butty from the bakery while waiting for a bus. Some dude comes along does that horrid sound your on about and shoots the shite out his nose into the bin next to me. Hormonal as I was I threw the remainder of my butty at him and called him a dirty bastard. My hubby was like wtaf is going on and did you just chuck your butty at that dude 😂😂😂😂😂.

P.S need something with glitter, I hate the stuff it sticks to everything and just won't go away. Turn him into a pretty little fairy 😁

LongDarkTeatime · 06/02/2025 23:17

I love this thread ❤️
Where does one find a crow to tame?
When one has the crow what distinguishing feature (apart from phlegm) does this man have so you can train the crow to attack on sight?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/02/2025 23:16

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/02/2025 22:51

Super soaker. Worth staying up/getting up a few times to train him that every time he spits there, he will get a soaking. Wont take long. 3 times tops. And occasional reinforcement when he tries again.

I love this level of petty!!

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/02/2025 23:13

My partner saw his friend’s sister do this across the road from his parents house one day! She didn’t know where they lived either so it wasn’t personal 🤣 I can’t look her in the eye now!

IAmTheLittleThings · 06/02/2025 23:06

A tennis ball launcher (for dogs) with water balloons that contain soapy water (& maybe a touch of food colouring for fun)
Hopefully you'll not need many (save the planet) and the soapy water might wash away his filth!!

Enough4me · 06/02/2025 23:00

Several decades ago I remember playing with 'slime balls', about 5-10cm diameter, squishy and sticky, the type you could throw on glass and they'd roll down (not the stuff in pots thats more of a liquid). I'd get a bag full of green slime balls to lob out. Some will stick to him and some around him. You may need a big catapult to get them out in one go.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 06/02/2025 22:58

Can you get those glitter bombs on remote control? Put it in the tree & cover the digusting turd.

Smokesandeats · 06/02/2025 22:58

How about a water pistol filled with cough medicine aimed at his head?

WheresThe · 06/02/2025 22:56

Penguin bollard with a 'No huakking here!' sign in the middle of the pavement ?

Zanzara · 06/02/2025 22:52

A filled chamberpot. If he chooses to comport himself like a medieval serf, then give him the full experience

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/02/2025 22:51

Super soaker. Worth staying up/getting up a few times to train him that every time he spits there, he will get a soaking. Wont take long. 3 times tops. And occasional reinforcement when he tries again.

AInightingale · 06/02/2025 22:47

Any chance you live opposite me because I get that every morning too.

I would not confront such a scrote, but you could put a sign on your wall/fence/gate calling it out. Then he'll know you've noticed.

Used to result in fines and probably still does in some countries. It is absolutely disgusting.

Thingymajigii · 06/02/2025 22:46

A tin of tomato soup (or beans) - either still in or out of the can.

Longhotsummers · 06/02/2025 22:46

Renamed · 06/02/2025 21:15

Sellotape the box of tissues to the tree, but attach them by a string to a bag of flour in the branch above, so that it descends and covers him when he takes one…

Evil genius!

HowToSaveAWife · 06/02/2025 22:45

What's the approx distance from your window to this foul creature? Like, would a simple arm toss reach him or do we need to fashion a glitter filled balloon on a slingshot?

I'd favour the latter tbh, take him out sniper-style in the dark then laugh maniacally while calling him a dirtbird!

PotholesAnonymous · 06/02/2025 22:41

Or write it on a sign and hang it on several lamp posts all along the road

PotholesAnonymous · 06/02/2025 22:40

Write 'STOP GOBBING YOU DISGUSTING GIT'

In chalk in large letters on the pavement before he gets to your house?

Original poster
ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 22:37

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/02/2025 22:34

Teach your Crow Master to approach at low altitude - you might need to attach two lights to his wings so that they converge at the required height - and then to release two halves of a tennis ball loosely fixed together and holding a solution of PVA adhesive and lots of glitter in such a manner that it bounces like a stone skimming across a pond until it hits him in the back of the head and detonates separates at the ideal location for maximum glitterage.

You might need some more Corvids to do this properly, mind.

This is practically poetic. I love it!

OP posts:
crackofdoom · 06/02/2025 22:37

A nice bendy plastic ruler and some cold porridge.

CluelessAboutBiology · 06/02/2025 22:36

Balloonhearts · 06/02/2025 21:17

Pan of frying oil. The older and grosser, the better. I suggest hitting up the local McDonald's 🤣

Hot or cold?