What should I throw at this man?

ButFirstCovfefe · 2025-02-06T20:49:32+00:00

For the past six months or so I have been ‘woken’ at 5.45-6.15 am by a man “huakk”-ing and spitting outside my house. If I’m already awake I recognise his footsteps and it’s ALWAYS right outside my house. It’s so guttural and then the spit it makes me feel sick. I live on a feeder road for the high street, so I expect footfall, talking, cars, dogs and general noise. At weekends we get the nightclub/pub crowds. None have ever bothered me. Do you think he only allows himself to do such a heinous act every “X” amount of houses? Do you think he has taken great dislike to the tree outside my house? Could he be using the rainwater drain and actually thinks he’s an upstanding member of the community because he’s so thoughtful? Honestly, I can’t even explain the sound, but I’m sure you’ve heard it and know the exact one. So…water pistol or wet loo roll tomorrow morning? (note: please don’t take this too seriously)

nodramaplz · 25/02/2025 11:43

Something to trip over- red laser

rainbowruthie · 25/02/2025 11:24

ButFirstCovfefe · 25/02/2025 01:23

I can’t explain how but we actually own a trebuchet. (Albeit built by my child with a wonderful weight system, but it works wonders with water balloons…and smelly socks… at up to 14m.)

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Does this mean that I should stop knitting the little woolly tank tops?

MoonWoman69 · 25/02/2025 09:57

ButFirstCovfefe · 25/02/2025 01:23

I can’t explain how but we actually own a trebuchet. (Albeit built by my child with a wonderful weight system, but it works wonders with water balloons…and smelly socks… at up to 14m.)

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Get in!!! There you go then, you could fire a whole host of revolting items at him! I'd be all over that, what a bonus! Who cares why you have it, you've got it, the ultimate weapon against Mr Hawker!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Original poster

ButFirstCovfefe · 25/02/2025 01:23

MoonWoman69 · 24/02/2025 12:07

Trebuchet, loaded with very rotten tomatoes should do the trick! Spitting is gross. There's a shopping area near where I live, which I avoid at all costs. A lot of Eastern European men around and this seems to be a habit of theirs. They just hawk up and spit where they like. (I did make an angry comment once, as one passed me and virtually hit my foot with it. He turned round and told me to "fuck off bitch"! Nice).
You have to stare at the pavement constantly to avoid it all, it's absolutely vile.
You could put an oiled sheet of cling film across the path! Maybe he'd land in his own phlegm as he went on his arse!

I can’t explain how but we actually own a trebuchet. (Albeit built by my child with a wonderful weight system, but it works wonders with water balloons…and smelly socks… at up to 14m.)

OP posts:

MoonWoman69 · 24/02/2025 12:07

Trebuchet, loaded with very rotten tomatoes should do the trick! Spitting is gross. There's a shopping area near where I live, which I avoid at all costs. A lot of Eastern European men around and this seems to be a habit of theirs. They just hawk up and spit where they like. (I did make an angry comment once, as one passed me and virtually hit my foot with it. He turned round and told me to "fuck off bitch"! Nice).
You have to stare at the pavement constantly to avoid it all, it's absolutely vile.
You could put an oiled sheet of cling film across the path! Maybe he'd land in his own phlegm as he went on his arse!

TheHillsIsLonely · 24/02/2025 11:23

RobJamesCollierFor007 · 22/02/2025 04:30

@ButFirstCovfefe get Caledonian crows. They are from New Zealand and the most intelligent . They might find the northern hemisphere rather cold though. Or you could try another NZ bird- the Kea. They will mob and attack people and even mug them. Come to think of it , St. Ives seagulls are pretty good that way too.
I've also heard that Sandwich terns, when they feel attacked, will join together and poo bomb their predators. How about a flock of Sandwich terns?

We don't want any softy southern crows coming over here and taking our crows' jobs, although I'm sure someone could knit them little woolly tank tops with larger armholes for their wings.

Franjipanl8r · 23/02/2025 22:50

This reminded me that me and my siblings used to peer out of our bedroom window onto the busy street below as teens and shine a laser pen at pedestrians walking by. Just a little dash of light is enough to put someone off their stride and distract them from their actions!

Agapornis · 23/02/2025 22:40

Water on a rainy day is quite difficult to trace. Super Soaker shot from behind? Make sure you and the gun are well hidden - aim, pull trigger and duck.

Original poster

ButFirstCovfefe · 23/02/2025 22:27

Alas, I can’t actually say anything to him. He’s quite an intimidating person to look at. That could be an unjust prejudgment and he’s actually a big teddy bear with post nasal drip, but I couldn’t risk any fallout/retaliation.

But at least now when he wakes me up I think of all your brilliant (and I’m sure truly sincere) ideas.

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Original poster

ButFirstCovfefe · 23/02/2025 22:23

Notaflippinclue · 07/02/2025 05:39

It's illegal

Well yes, this is clearly a completely serious post. I’ll be sure to get indemnity insurance for my crow army.

OP posts:

SmileEachDay · 22/02/2025 06:09

A bucket of blood. Like in Carrie.

RobJamesCollierFor007 · 22/02/2025 04:30

@ButFirstCovfefe get Caledonian crows. They are from New Zealand and the most intelligent . They might find the northern hemisphere rather cold though. Or you could try another NZ bird- the Kea. They will mob and attack people and even mug them. Come to think of it , St. Ives seagulls are pretty good that way too.
I've also heard that Sandwich terns, when they feel attacked, will join together and poo bomb their predators. How about a flock of Sandwich terns?

MrsMoastyToasty · 22/02/2025 04:12

My car alarm has 2 buttons on it. If you press the wrong one the alarm sounds. Do you have similar? If so set it off as he walks past.
Alternatively get a seagull to shit on him from a great height. There's a few at Weston-super-Mare that seem to have impeccable aim.

Notaflippinclue · 21/02/2025 22:50

Nerf gun

ALSORAN931 · 09/02/2025 07:22

Can you not just go out and politely ask him to sod off and keep his manky germs to himself or hawk on his own premises?? Seriously though I'd make a point of telling him that it's knocking me sick, most folk are reasonable enough if you go about it in the right way. It's dirty right enough yuk!

Notaflippinclue · 07/02/2025 05:39

It's illegal

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 07/02/2025 05:02

I’d make sure it’s a clear night and chalk a message to him on the pavement. Although you may have to wait a week or two until it’s light at that time.
I remember a plague of spitting at school. One teacher used to punish the culprits by making them copy out pages on tb from a medical textbook.

yourmaw · 07/02/2025 03:29

@ThatUniqueKoala .relevant doesnt have to be funny. spudgun? waterblaster/fire extinguisher? voodoo.?

fluffycloud · 07/02/2025 02:16

His name is and shall ever be…CrowMan. Tomorrow, wait for CrowMan. The moment he does what CrowMan does, you lean out of your window and exclaim loudly enough for all neighbours to hear- “Euuuugh, CrowMan, that is dissssgusting!! Euuuugh!” Wait for eye contact and then promptly close your window, turn on your heel and resume your idle reading of “Crows-An Owners Guide” whilst smoking a rather large Cuban cigar and wearing your favourite purple velvet smoking jacket. It is, obviously, your only remaining option and will be entirely effective when delivered with dripping hatred in your tones. Do let us know how this goes!

EBearhug · 07/02/2025 01:29

I once had a friendly crow in the garden. I imaginatively called him Crow.

General14 · 07/02/2025 01:04

Hawk tuaaah spit on that thang

FallenRaingel · 07/02/2025 00:23

ButFirstCovfefe · 06/02/2025 22:17

I genuinely do need a new patio.

…..but I’m also really really wanting a pet crow now. Not even to mete out revenge, but because I’m getting really fond of (the idea of) him.

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The fastest way to a crow's heart is to feed them. Cheap porridge oats and old cat food - you know when the fussy brats only eat half of it and leave the rest to dry out in the heat, then demand fresh food to repeat the process, that kind of old food.

The crows will let small garden birds eat first so don't put out cat food until the little birds are done.

One of my idiots thinks she could catch a seagull but she never goes out, the others have never shown any interest in crows so it may be a quick process to train the cats.

I may have fat crows in my garden. 🐦‍⬛

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/02/2025 00:07

feathermucker · 06/02/2025 22:03

Tarzan roar loudly right out of the window

This is a really bizarre and random suggestion. I see no reason for the hoiking man to connect that to his morning spit. He'd just think it was really weird, which it would be.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/02/2025 23:54

Concerned letter to all the neighbours about TB in the area. Spitting and hawking on the pavement, concerning numbers of early morning incidents and "local help and support available"

TheHillsIsLonely · 06/02/2025 23:42

Perhaps he is a professional footballer on his way to or from his early morning training sessions. They tend to be rampant spitters.