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Original poster

Meal plans going wrong, why should I be blamed?

106 replies

pussinboots61 · 06/02/2025 19:25

I have a meal being planned with a group of friends in March. For years we have always met as a group, no men involved, a girlie get together. We do all meet seperately and in pairs but we have a meal altogether for Christmas and birthdays.

The main issue here is with three of the friends, who I'll refer to as A, B and C so as not to cause confusion.

Friend A does the arranging. Last Christmas friend B invited friend C's boyfriend to come along. He was the only man there. A good male friend of mine had given me a lift to the place and part of me felt obliged to invite him in for a coffee but I thought I wouldn't as it would be a girls meal only and I didn't want the other s thinking I was inviting a man along. But when friend C's boyfriend turned up I felt that I could have invited my friend in after all. Friiend A wasn't happy about the boyfriend being invited but when she found out that friend B had invited him she didn't say anything.

So now friend A is planning a meet up in March for her and friend C's birthdays which are both this month. She asked friiend C if her boyfriend is going, which she then took it as him being invited which she would do. I then, knowing that my male friend will be giving me a lift, said that I might ask him along too if another man is going to be there to keep him company. Friend C is totally happy with this and can't see a problem. Friend A however is not happy, she accused me of taking over, said its not my birthday and this man isn't even my partner. I pointed out that this makes no difference and friend C is happy for him to go along and its her birthday meal too. She said that its always been just us women before and she thinks its getting out of hand with other people coming along. I told her that she more or less invited friend Cs boyfriend but she said she only mentioned it to be polite. I told her that friend B invited him to the meal last Christmas and it wasn't her birthday and she hadn't asked anyone if they minded him going along but she said she won't say anything to her. Which means she will tell me but not anyone else.

I feel really upset by this. I have been in touch with friend B since and she said that friend A has rang her and said she's upset that the group is getting ruined and would rather it just be us. I agree with her, that men shouldn't be going along when its a girlie thing but if another man can go then I refuse to not allow my male friend to go.

Friend B feels sorry for friend A as she's got a lot on at the moment at home, and I feel sorry for her too but she's no need to talk to me like she has done. I have stress and depression but don't snap at people,.

Friend B was going to invite her cousin along (who is female) but she's thinking of not doing so now. I am taking my friend though if the other man is coming.

Any views on this and sorry if it's a long post. Thank you.

OP posts:
BeLilacSloth · 07/02/2025 08:32

I have worse, I was admitted to hospital for a week 3 years a go. My friends had planned to meet up for a meal the same week. One friend just took her new boyfriend in my place without telling any of the others, they were all livid and it was apparantly really awkward. Who the hell does that.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 07/02/2025 08:31

Sounds like friend A feels more comfortable raising this with you rather than raising it with C.

Tbh why don't you just put a post up and ask them if we can go back to the original plan of girls only and uninvited C's bf and your friend.

Globusmedia · 07/02/2025 08:30

Hmmm, I do see her point. The horse has bolted on Friend C's boyfriend, Friend B has caused a problem and it sounds like Friend A would prefer he wasn't there either and was going to try and roll that back but it's tricky this time as it's C's birthday.

You're now inviting randoms making it even harder to get it back to girls only for next time.

It's quite different for a member of the group to bring her boyfriend when he was a) invited by another group member and b) it's her birthday, than it is for you to just bring along a random friend because he's a man. I don't know why B originally invited the boyfriend but I presume you all know him. Your outside friend is not equivalent.

Goldengirl123 · 07/02/2025 08:29

Just say that it’s a girls night only

NormaleKartoffeln · 07/02/2025 08:29

I'd ask if it can just be a 'girls' thing again - your friend needs time away from her boyfriend (he isn't controlling in some way, is he?) and your male friend has no need to be there (why is he giving you lifts anyway?).

Simplynotsimple · 07/02/2025 08:26

Sunat45degrees · 07/02/2025 08:14

Friend c boyfriend shouldn't be coming but it is her birthday so....

You inviting some random bloke js completely not ok. Is he even friends with these people?!

It’s A’s birthday as well, and it’s C who can’t leave her boyfriend at home for whatever reason. Instead of the rest of the group pulling her up on it or not putting last time down as a one off, the op is now trying to use it as an opportunity to insert another bloke into the women’s meet-up. If I was A, I’d be a bit wtf.

Simplynotsimple · 07/02/2025 08:23

If I was Friend A I’d just bow out and do my own thing for my birthday. If it’s a ‘girl night’ and always has been, why on earth is friend C and yourself suddenly obsessed with bringing men along? Especially in your case as he’s just a mate, is there a reason why you and C can’t give up one evening with friends without male company?

WhoDatNow · 07/02/2025 08:23

Why not just clear the air with all of the group ... ABC and you and ask along lines of
I appear to have further complicated our arrangements after C's chap joined us in December and looked a bit 'spare' so I invited my lift-giver as a thank you and to balance the group. However now

  1. should we agree to go back to women only (which would be for C to explain to her chap) Or 2) should we agree to add one guest each Just want us all to have it out in the open and agree, not trying to take over or dictate but can't be doing with resentment!
custardpyjamas · 07/02/2025 08:23

Either it's all girls or it's not. If it's not you should be able to bring your friend too, and if he's giving you a lift why not stay for the do if another man is already going to be there 'spoiling' the girlie night out. The other man seems to have been smuggled into the group and is now a fixture so the girlie thing is out the window.

Sunat45degrees · 07/02/2025 08:14

Friend c boyfriend shouldn't be coming but it is her birthday so....

You inviting some random bloke js completely not ok. Is he even friends with these people?!

MissTrip82 · 07/02/2025 08:01

I’d just say let’s go back to original plan of all women.

Why do you want this man you’ve got a crush on to go? Why is he giving you lifts all over the place? Just get there under your own steam and you don’t have to feel awkward that he’s not invited.

Moonnstars · 07/02/2025 07:55

Agree it has lost the original grouping of girls only by inviting the boyfriend. I think it needs to stick to a girls night out or the other husbands and your male friend should also be included.

I don't really understand why friend C would want her boyfriend tagging along on girls night anyway, especially if she knows the other husbands don't go. I can only assume it's a new relationship where they have to do everything together 🙄

angelikacpickles · 07/02/2025 00:13

Why on earth do you want your male friend to come? Do you not want to spend time with your friend group? The fact that he is male aside, surely it is odd to bring someone from outside the group to a group get together? If I were friend C, I wouldn't bring the boyfriend either, but I think bringing a random friend is even more weird. It seems like you think if she "gets" to bring someone then you should too.

It doesn't really seem like you actually want to meet up with the friend group.

ServantsGonnaServe · 06/02/2025 23:35

I agree with you, its either girls or its not.

I dint know whether I'd push it this time, but I'd absolutely take the reins organising the next get together and invite who you want. Friend A doesn't get to decide the guestlist.

Original poster
pussinboots61 · 06/02/2025 23:31

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2025 22:18

Why on earth has the basic premise of the get-togethers been changed?

Just go back to how it was

I agree but this bloke has now been invited so the girlie day out has gone up the spout it seems.

OP posts:
Original poster
pussinboots61 · 06/02/2025 23:30

Duckyfondant · 06/02/2025 22:09

But.. your friend isn't invited. Very strange of you

Why is it strange of me?. No my friend isn't invited. I have said I will invite him if there is going to be another man there. Not only is it the principle but it also means there won't be just one man there on his own, he will have another man to talk to.

OP posts:
Original poster
pussinboots61 · 06/02/2025 23:28

KilkennyCats · 06/02/2025 22:19

It was very odd of B to invite someone else’s boyfriend to the last meet-up. Did she have any particular reason for doing that?

Only because she thinks he's a nice person.

OP posts:
Original poster
pussinboots61 · 06/02/2025 23:28

lilytuckerpritchet · 06/02/2025 21:51

Is she the only one with a boyfriend? I can't understand why anyone who isn't part of the group would want to go anyway

The other two friends have got husbands who woudln't want to go anyway but friend C's boyfriend is quite happy to attend, even if its all women, he is a tad clingy..

OP posts:
Original poster
pussinboots61 · 06/02/2025 23:26

Thank you for your replies. I would not invite my male friend if no other males were going, that is the point. My point is, as someone has rightly said, it is not fair for just one person to be able to take someone and the rest of the group being told they can't.

I agree it should just be a girls outing but it's now gone off the boil but I am the one whose getting blamed for it which I am not happy about.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 06/02/2025 23:12

I think you should go back to the "girls only" initial group for this birthday meal that A is organising. It's rude to invite other people without checking that everyone is in agreement.

KilkennyCats · 06/02/2025 22:19

It was very odd of B to invite someone else’s boyfriend to the last meet-up. Did she have any particular reason for doing that?

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2025 22:18

Why on earth has the basic premise of the get-togethers been changed?

Just go back to how it was

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 06/02/2025 22:15

If friend A is going through a tough time, it is feasible that she might like to talk to her closest girlfriends about things without a load of randoms there. I think you and friend C should see the guys another day and keep the birthday meal as just the 4 of you ladies.

Duckyfondant · 06/02/2025 22:09

But.. your friend isn't invited. Very strange of you

savoycabbage · 06/02/2025 22:02

So one of your friends asked a different friends boyfriend to come on your night out.

So now you feel as if you should have asked a different friend 'in' for coffee because of this boyfriend being present.

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