Page 2 | AIBU for asking guidance teacher for a meeting about my son?

Sausageandchip · 2025-02-06T19:06:10+00:00

DP thinks I’ve been an bit unreasonable but I am raging about this. Advice on what to do next also appreciated. I have 2 sons in high school (Scotland) S6 & S1. Since starting in August s1 son has been in bother quite a bit, not doing well in classes and getting in trouble (minor stuff like fights and social media things). I’ve also been getting loads of behaviour texts home but be was absolutely fine with no issues at primary. My kids school have a system where they put the same guidance teacher in charge of all kids in the same family and this teacher was always fine with my eldest. I had asked to have a meeting with social subject faculty head about S1 son because my son had “failed” an end of term assessment (he never failed anything in primary so I don’t get what’s happened) so I had phoned school to see if guidance teacher could arrange a meeting with the teacher and me and her. She instead just forwarded a very long winded response from the department telling me how they marked it and how he can do better next time . I replied saying I wasn’t happy with this, and she gave prelims as the reason why they didn’t want a meeting this week (Which sounded like nonsense to me). she phoned me later that day, and basically said because it’s prelims now the department are busy and I might need to wait a few weeks for a meeting if i want all of us there together. here’s where DP says I (might) BU. I said I was going to come in today for the meeting and she said she couldn’t. I said that I felt that she just couldn’t be bothered with this meeting and she said this was not the case, but because she deals with all other kinds of things in her job like child protection and police and social work, these things just have to take priority sometimes and said again that also the department will need to mark prelims for seniors before anyone can meet. I then said to her to be honest I don’t give a flying duck (I might have used the naughty words) what else you are doing, I just want to meet about MY son. At this point she ended the call saying she would see if she could arrange a call with someone next week. she also suggested we just wait and see how he does on his next test, but I felt that was a cop out. We have met her in person once before for a meeting about his behaviour but it seems now she can’t be bothered meeting about getting his grades up??!! AIBU for requesting a meeting for my son?

spanieleyes · 08/02/2025 18:34

@SchoolySchoolySchoolSchool
Totally agree. I've had parents expect me to go to the house and get a child dressed, tell a child off for an incident at the weekend, indeed Ive been asked to punish a child by missing break time for having an untidy bedroom!

clary · 08/02/2025 18:33

while I dont think she should be sorting it out, she’s like a gatekeeper to information. if I don’t know who these boys are or who their parents are how am I meant to sort it out of school? Honest question.

You cannot really expect a school staff member to give you information about who some students are, if that’s what you mean. That would be incredibly inappropriate, surely you must see that.

Also the staff member was not there, they don’t know who was involved, nor what was said and done. Surely you can see that for a school staff member to investigate this would take a huge amount of time. Not at all reasonable, even if it was appropriate.

You say want to sort it out. What exactly do you mean I wonder?

SchoolySchoolySchoolSchool · 08/02/2025 18:29

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 18:16

that’s hardly comparable 🙄

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It is comparable.

You've said you expect the teachers to.sort out the children's behaviour at weekends because they met at school. But they have absolutely no control over your children at weekends. Outside of school, school have no power unless the children are wearing uniform and so representing the school at the time. We can't punish children for their behaviour when they are in the care of their actual parents.

I'll give you a similar example in a different context.

18 years ago, I taught in Reception. A parent came to me asking for help with her (Reception) child because, when he went to bed at night, he was staying up far too late and watching films that were too old for him (15s and 18s). She asked me to stop him. I asked her if she couldn't just remove the TV from his room or remove the remote. She said no, she couldn't do that and could I just have a word with him. He was 5.

I told her that I had absolutely no control over what her son watched in his room, at 11pm at night in her house. She disagreed and felt that,.as his teacher, I did.

Utter madness.

I couldn't.

I'm a teacher. It's my job. I'm not responsible for anyone's child when they are in their parents care only when they are in mine.

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 08/02/2025 18:28

Why on Earth did you let a 12 year old child have TikTok?!

madnessitellyou · 08/02/2025 18:25

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 18:15

I’m actually a bit offended by this. I came on here asking for an opinion, I got it, and now you’re saying I’m so ridiculous I must be fake?

I did seek advice before coming here anonymously - My partner said I was a bit unreasonable (for swearing) but my mums group friends from primary are totally divided - some completely agree with me and are annoyed at how hard it is to get in touch with pastoral and get actual decent feedback from the school, while some agree with the majority opinion here that I was a bit excessive.

Anyway, I already phoned the office on Friday and when they said she was “in meetings or at teaching all day” I said to them to please pass on that I was sorry about my previous outburst, after reading the advice here. I am going to go back over the email and sit down with my son this weekend, and I will be taking TikTok and Snapchat off his phone.

while I dont think she should be sorting it out, she’s like a gatekeeper to information. if I don’t know who these boys are or who their parents are how am I meant to sort it out of school? Honest question.
It’s not like in primary where you just meet the parents at drop off and have a wee chat.

I previously worked in marketing before having kids, took some years off while they were small and in primary, and now only work part time freelance and from home and only when my boys are at school so, no, I haven’t personally been “verbally abused” but in my own defence it’s really hard not to get angry when your child is upset about a test result, and you feel like no one at the school cares.

the opinions of teachers on here have been particularly helpful, so thank you. I don’t think I was quite aware of what pastoral/guidance do and didn’t realise that it involved at risk kids etc - I think I had always just assumed that would be social work etc who dealt with that.

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Op I’m a teacher. Sadly I know you are real because I was being slightly facetious.

Teachers seem to be fair game for some people. Why don’t you join us, op. I think you’ll think twice about verbally abusing someone not saying how high when you demand they jump. There’s a bit of a retention crisis, I believe.

ThesebeautifulthingsthatIvegot · 08/02/2025 18:24

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 18:15

I’m actually a bit offended by this. I came on here asking for an opinion, I got it, and now you’re saying I’m so ridiculous I must be fake?

I did seek advice before coming here anonymously - My partner said I was a bit unreasonable (for swearing) but my mums group friends from primary are totally divided - some completely agree with me and are annoyed at how hard it is to get in touch with pastoral and get actual decent feedback from the school, while some agree with the majority opinion here that I was a bit excessive.

Anyway, I already phoned the office on Friday and when they said she was “in meetings or at teaching all day” I said to them to please pass on that I was sorry about my previous outburst, after reading the advice here. I am going to go back over the email and sit down with my son this weekend, and I will be taking TikTok and Snapchat off his phone.

while I dont think she should be sorting it out, she’s like a gatekeeper to information. if I don’t know who these boys are or who their parents are how am I meant to sort it out of school? Honest question.
It’s not like in primary where you just meet the parents at drop off and have a wee chat.

I previously worked in marketing before having kids, took some years off while they were small and in primary, and now only work part time freelance and from home and only when my boys are at school so, no, I haven’t personally been “verbally abused” but in my own defence it’s really hard not to get angry when your child is upset about a test result, and you feel like no one at the school cares.

the opinions of teachers on here have been particularly helpful, so thank you. I don’t think I was quite aware of what pastoral/guidance do and didn’t realise that it involved at risk kids etc - I think I had always just assumed that would be social work etc who dealt with that.

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It's fine to feel angry. Its not fine to swear at a person trying to do their job. This is true on any line of work. I was angry about a parcel being damaged yesterday. I didn't swear at the person at the post office, because I am an adult and can control my actions.

Original poster

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 18:23

BakewellTart66 · 08/02/2025 12:40

..even my oldest son had to make an appointment with her to go through his UCAS application stuff! That feels ridiculous - surely she should just be there for when people need her?

This shows an extraordinary failure to understand the nature and purpose of the UCAS interview. It calls for an in-depth discussion of the personal statement, among other things. The only feasible way to organise this is by appointment.

I get it on one level - teaching is hard etc, but I can’t help but feel that she’s just a bit lazy and can’t be bothered.

This does not indicate laziness (extraordinary!), but rather the desire to focus on the individual student and their needs.
It would also be interesting to hear how you would organise the guidance teacher's timetable to ensure she is available to pupils at any moment when they feel they 'need her'.

honestly I have never done UCAS before (I did college and then went straight into work) and had no involvement in my eldest boys application - it was all done through the school. So you are right - I have no idea.
it can’t be much harder than a college application though surely?

the school have sent a few texts reminding us of deadlines etc but other than that nothing. My biggest boy is very responsible and told me he had it all under hand, and just lets us know when offers come through.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 18:19

DorothyStorm · 08/02/2025 15:45

What is the video? Depending on what the video ia, this actually might be a police issue.

but no she cannot give detentions to students for poor behaviour on the park in a saturday.

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It’s literally just the other group of boys recording my boy and his friends at lunch, and giving them stupid nicknames. He told me about this and didn’t seem too bothered.

However I checked my own sons TikTok after advice on this thread and there are also videos he personally and some of his friends from primary have made doing the same thing. I’ve deleted his TikTok and Snapchat now, as punishment for this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 18:16

SchoolySchoolySchoolSchool · 08/02/2025 16:04

But this group of boys literally met at school. So I don’t know their parents or how I am supposed to sort this out?

You be a parent! FFS!

If they'd met at a football club or scouts or a drama club, would you expect those adults to be responsible for their behaviour when they're with you too? Or is it just teachers?

'Parents' (and i use the term loosely) like you are the reason my job is such fucking hard work at times. I'm glad you're exposing yourself so comprehensively on here though so that other parents can actually see what the reality is like!

that’s hardly comparable 🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 18:15

madnessitellyou · 08/02/2025 16:05

I’ve reported this thread op because cannot believe this is real. You verbally abuse a teacher and think she should be sorting out a situation that happened on the weekend when the adult in your ds’ day is you. I simply cannot fathom anyone thinking this way.

Out of interest have you been verbally abused in your place of work? How did you deal with it?

I’m actually a bit offended by this. I came on here asking for an opinion, I got it, and now you’re saying I’m so ridiculous I must be fake?

I did seek advice before coming here anonymously - My partner said I was a bit unreasonable (for swearing) but my mums group friends from primary are totally divided - some completely agree with me and are annoyed at how hard it is to get in touch with pastoral and get actual decent feedback from the school, while some agree with the majority opinion here that I was a bit excessive.

Anyway, I already phoned the office on Friday and when they said she was “in meetings or at teaching all day” I said to them to please pass on that I was sorry about my previous outburst, after reading the advice here. I am going to go back over the email and sit down with my son this weekend, and I will be taking TikTok and Snapchat off his phone.

while I dont think she should be sorting it out, she’s like a gatekeeper to information. if I don’t know who these boys are or who their parents are how am I meant to sort it out of school? Honest question.
It’s not like in primary where you just meet the parents at drop off and have a wee chat.

I previously worked in marketing before having kids, took some years off while they were small and in primary, and now only work part time freelance and from home and only when my boys are at school so, no, I haven’t personally been “verbally abused” but in my own defence it’s really hard not to get angry when your child is upset about a test result, and you feel like no one at the school cares.

the opinions of teachers on here have been particularly helpful, so thank you. I don’t think I was quite aware of what pastoral/guidance do and didn’t realise that it involved at risk kids etc - I think I had always just assumed that would be social work etc who dealt with that.

OP posts:

MoreIcedLattePlease · 08/02/2025 18:10

Readers: please see every OP post to understand the teaching crisis.

JudgeJ · 08/02/2025 17:50

i just don’t believe that suddenly since starting secondary there are “behavioural” issues when there was none at primary.

As I used to have to explain, in words of one syllable to many parents, transfer to High school coincides generally with puberty, bringing the start of teenage problems. It's not the High school's fault, it's biology.

ILoveRadio6 · 08/02/2025 17:50

Sausageandchip · 07/02/2025 19:22

This was actually a helpful comment thank you.
I don’t understand what you mean about contractually? Surely it’s their job? The guidance teacher told me that I can see the teacher at parents evening which is later this term but only 5m and online so not actually helpful.
its good to know that they genuinely are marking and it takes time because I just thought she was fobbing me off.

i tried again with the guidance teacher today and the office wouldn’t even put me through to her phone.

They said she was “teaching or in a meeting all day”, (which I don’t believe) so I’ve sent another email requesting a meeting so will update.

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Why don't you believe her? It sounds like a standard working day first a teacher to me.

JudgeJ · 08/02/2025 17:48

I then said to her to be honest I don’t give a flying duck

That's the point where every teacher disconnects the call and reports the parent's abuse to the Head for further action. If a teacher had used that language to you there would be hell to pay.
Sort out your over-inflated self-esteem, your parenting standards and your child.

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/02/2025 17:44

madnessitellyou · 08/02/2025 16:05

I’ve reported this thread op because cannot believe this is real. You verbally abuse a teacher and think she should be sorting out a situation that happened on the weekend when the adult in your ds’ day is you. I simply cannot fathom anyone thinking this way.

Out of interest have you been verbally abused in your place of work? How did you deal with it?

As a retired teacher I can well believe this is true. I have been asked to intervene in an argument between two parents that happened out of school. The Mum said if I didn't sort it out she'd have to go to the police so I advised her to do exactly that. It wasn't even the children that were arguing

JSMill · 08/02/2025 17:41

I totally believe this is real. So many parents have zero respect for teachers while at the same are unable to do basic parenting.

Rainyblue · 08/02/2025 16:29

Yes I can’t believe this is real….

madnessitellyou · 08/02/2025 16:08

SchoolySchoolySchoolSchool · 08/02/2025 16:07

Ypu may he right but I wouldn't be surprised if it's genuine.

We do actually have parents like this at school.

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We do too. I live in hope that it’s rare though…

SchoolySchoolySchoolSchool · 08/02/2025 16:07

madnessitellyou · 08/02/2025 16:05

I’ve reported this thread op because cannot believe this is real. You verbally abuse a teacher and think she should be sorting out a situation that happened on the weekend when the adult in your ds’ day is you. I simply cannot fathom anyone thinking this way.

Out of interest have you been verbally abused in your place of work? How did you deal with it?

Ypu may he right but I wouldn't be surprised if it's genuine.

We do actually have parents like this at school.

madnessitellyou · 08/02/2025 16:05

I’ve reported this thread op because cannot believe this is real. You verbally abuse a teacher and think she should be sorting out a situation that happened on the weekend when the adult in your ds’ day is you. I simply cannot fathom anyone thinking this way.

Out of interest have you been verbally abused in your place of work? How did you deal with it?

SchoolySchoolySchoolSchool · 08/02/2025 16:04

But this group of boys literally met at school. So I don’t know their parents or how I am supposed to sort this out?

You be a parent! FFS!

If they'd met at a football club or scouts or a drama club, would you expect those adults to be responsible for their behaviour when they're with you too? Or is it just teachers?

'Parents' (and i use the term loosely) like you are the reason my job is such fucking hard work at times. I'm glad you're exposing yourself so comprehensively on here though so that other parents can actually see what the reality is like!

SchoolySchoolySchoolSchool · 08/02/2025 16:00

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:26

I know it’s at the weekend so she couldn’t be there to physically stop it but at the same time she has access to info about the other boys parents so she could surely sort it out if she wanted to? Call a meeting with them or something Or at least make them aware of what’s going on? I’ve stopped him going to the park for now anyways.

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Why do you think that a teacher at your child's school should be the one to manage their behaviour at the weekend??

That's madness!

Parents have to take responsibility for their children's behaviour at some point.

We act in loco parentis when children are in school but that doesn't mean we do that when they're in your care at the weekend too!

DorothyStorm · 08/02/2025 15:45

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:55

Even if it happened at the weekend I would expect her to contact the parents of the other boys and make them aware of it, and give them a detention or whatever punishment they give? These boys literally met at school so in my opinion there is some responsibility on the schools side.

she Said that the school can’t get involved in social media stuff as they are not allowed to go through students phones however I don’t understand this, especially if it’s literally happening in school. She should be telling the other boys parents about it though and making them take the video down.

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What is the video? Depending on what the video ia, this actually might be a police issue.

but no she cannot give detentions to students for poor behaviour on the park in a saturday.

Lyn348 · 08/02/2025 14:24

You're expecting a teacher to parent your kids rather than do it yourself. You think you're a great parent because you're phoning the school, swearing at their teacher and demanding to see them - when you really are not.

A good parent would be taking his phone away so he can't be getting into issues with SM - he's obviously not mature enough for it. A good parent would not let their child hang out at the park at the weekend when they are getting into trouble there - they would keep them home and wouldn't expect the school to do anything about what kids are doing outside school, that's what parents are for.

You cannot control other people's kids. Your kid did badly in one test, this is not the end of the world but you need to get on top of his behavior, get him off SM and hanging round the park and get him doing some more positive things, sports, hobbies, homework/catching up work.

Then hopefully you won't feel the need anymore to phone up teachers and swear at them for not dropping everything to see you.

LadyQuackBeth · 08/02/2025 14:16

Has your son got a school iPad? Can you look at his progress on Teams, see where he is going wrong and support him. There's probably a homework club he could go to where he'd be helped. He could ask the teacher for support.

You haven't even tried teaching him to behave (you minimise his behaviour repeatedly, fights are only "normal" if you hang about with morons). You haven't tried to support him with his homework or see his progress. You haven't taught him how to approach the teacher if he doesn't understand his mark. You haven't encouraged him to go to any of the sessions for support or seen what the school offers.

You have taught him to swear at teachers and stamp your foot if you don't get your own way. Do better.