Scared of possible surgery, DH says I’m overreacting.

YANBU because he is not bring empathetic.

But are you in such a state that there is nothing he can say or do that will help, and therefore he is set up to fail?

Of course it is alarming, any % chance of something nasty, and facing your first GA. So understandable that it is upsetting and frightening.

But it will help you if you can use perspective to calm your nerves. Millions of people have had serious surgery. The chances of something serious are at least in your side. And if not… there are many cancer survivors living full and active lives.

I’m not saying it isn’t upsetting and worrying, but maybe try and take it one step at a time and not get yourself in a state until you know there is reason… which hopefully there will not be.

Talk to your DH, tell him you know he is right factually but you can’t help feeling scared. Don’t take your panic out on him. The people who can really help here are the doctors, and thankfully they seem to be doing all the right things.

Well done you for taking pro active steps and getting this procedure sorted.

I have sat with my Dc through nearly 20 GAs: it never seems to be as bad as people fear.

Very disappointing to miss your weekend away.., but in a good cause for many such weekends in years to come 🤞🏼

I wish you the very best of luck OP.

I've had scans and surgery and in one instance I ended up in ICU following surgery due to unexpected problems. I've never got anxious about it or cried over it though. It's not part of my personality and I can't relate to people who do get anxious about these things, although I recognise that often you can't help it, it's personality trait. The stats about risks are there and they are usually very small (I always listened politely to the consultant talking through them before signing consent forms, but mentally I dismissed it as small and just something they needed to mention to cover themselves in case something went wrong).

I have one coming up I'm scared of. I don't know whether I'll wake up having had a hysterectomy or with a catheter or stoma or having to convert to open surgery
I'm pretty laid back but surely that would worry anyone
There's a plan, but I've been made well aware it could go wrong and they won't know until they're in there

I think you are overreacting, in the sense that your anxiety is massively disproportionate to the risk. It’s normal to be a bit apprehensive - nobody wants to have surgery - but it does sound like you’re spiralling and I’m not sure it’s helpful for people to be validating your anxiety. You need reassuring, not to be told that this anxiety is proportionate.

I think perhaps your DP is trying to point out that you really don’t need to worry about this as much as you are (because it really isn’t going to be the terrible experience you’ve built it up into) and that you’re making it worse for yourself than it really needs to be. He’s probably going about that in the wrong way, however.

But ultimately, people telling you that you should be so anxious is just going to make you worse.

I hope you won’t say that to the people who woke up in ICU because actually the ‘what do you have to worry about’ surgery didn’t go to plan.

I don't understand why the vote is roughly 50/50 and yet 90% of the posts are supportive. Presumably the rest of us don't want to come over as mean and have not commented. I'm tempted to say get a grip, accept the privileged health care that's offered by a first-world country and hope for the best. Many of us who've had unexpected cancer diagnoses and the like have just got on with it and been grateful for our treatment. I do accept, however, that we're all different and that panic thresholds vary so wish you well and hope everything goes well for you x
(It may just be that your husband is more like us pragmatists and has run out of patience but I don't see either way as right or wrong).

Does he always treat you so callously?

If it helps at all, I absolutely love general anaesthetic. I'd treat myself to one if they were for sale. 😀

If you do need surgery I am sure you will be fine. Hope it is nothing serious. Best wishes.

@Amioverrrreacting can I ask if it's linked to your thyroid? I only ask because I am going through something similar at the moment and the percentages sound similar!

I have a large thyroid nodule that is growing. It isn't cancerous but every time it grows I have to go back and have another biopsy in case it has changed. They have offered to remove it but I'm also a bit worried about the risks and the operation!

Your DH is being an arse. You have every right to feel a bit worried about it all, although I am sure everything will be fine. It is a natural feeling. If your DH isn’t willing to be a supportive partner tell him to sod off and find someone else (friend/family) to lean on instead.

My DP had a similar attitude when I called him in hysterical tears after being told by my GP I likely had a perineal abscess on my episiotomy site 12 weeks PP and would require immediate surgical drainage. He couldn’t understand what ‘all the fuss’ was about as this would resolve the recurring infections and discomfort I was experiencing. Obviously never occurred to him that I was terrified of being cut open again ‘down there’, having to heal from it, leaving my PFB EBF baby overnight without warning and having countless more people examine me. Despite explaining this he was still dubious so in the end I lost my temper with him, told him he was being a and called my mum instead.

As it happened the gynae team at the hospital told me the GP was talking nonsense, prescribed some antibiotics and instructed me to go commando for a few weeks as my knickers were probably rubbing a bit on the wound. DP has since admitted he was a prat and has been working on being less of a prat.

Hope all goes well for you.

@Cynic17 I totally agree

Tbh, I never understand why people are scared of surgery. You have a problem, you go in for it to be dealt with, you have the best sleep of your life, then you wake up with an improved situation (albeit, possibly needing physio, medication etc). What's scary about that? You miss all the gory stuff and wake up ready for some lovely morphine.... it's f**king brilliant!

In that case, I think she’d do better with a dh who is actually listening to her rather than gaslighting her she ‘is fiiiine’ even she isn’t.

Your dh has no emotional intelligence. And clearly doesn’t know how to just express empathy instead of making it about himself - because that’s what telling you you’re over reacting etc…is A way to calm his own insecurities down.

You’re not over reacting. It’s extremely stressful to be in that limbo between knowing there is ‘something’ and seeing a consultant and then having the surgery and it’s results.

Seeing that he isn’t going to have an overnight change of personality, I’d ensure you have some support at hand from other people.

I'm petrified of anything medical and hate even visiting hospitals. I dread the day if I ever need anything doing. I did have a very quick GA but was only under briefly.

I don't think it's right to dismiss someone's feelings like that @Pleasegodgotosleep

@Amioverrrreacting
I understand you feeling apprehensive about your operation. I had surgery recently and was quite worried about the anaesthetic, but it is as others say. Someone will put a cánula in the back of your hand, they asked me to breathe in some oxygen but I held the mask myself so I was in control, then the next moment I was coming to. You are likely to feel a bit 'out of it' for the next day or so but that does make you rest. Good luck .

I had cancer a few years ago and was terrified before my first surgery. I've since had 5 more surgeries (not all cancer related) and am now more worried about the anaesthetic sickness I always get afterwards.

Before my first surgery, a nurse told me the statistical risk of anything bad happening under anaesthetic. It is tiny. So tiny it isn't worth being scared of. I still get a bit anxious beforehand, but I don't actively worry anymore.

Id say it depends on what the surgery is. An ingrowing toenail YABU, a kidney removal YANBU!

Op says herself she has health anxiety due to her mothers early passing not just because of this issue. If she lives with that fear all of the time she needs help or will always be afraid.

She doesn’t need counselling or meds for a perfectly normal human reaction.

Her DH needs to find a bit of empathy, that would help.

Have you had counselling for this? If not you should. Also maybe see GP for meds etc to help with this health anxiety.

I sympathise as its terrible to feel scared but I have spent my life dealing with someone else's health anxiety and it has had a HUGE negative impact on my life so I also sympathise with your husband.

It sounds like your husband is trying to comfort you by saying it'll all be fine but that's not what you would actually find comforting as for you that feels like he's not listening and understanding your fears. If you've not been through something like this before it's probably worth a discussion at a time neither of you are upset to explain what you do/don't find supportive as everyone is different.

OP I had an op just before Christmas and was also terrified. I had my tonsils out over 30'years ago but nothing since then until this op and I was a nervous wreck.

I was so well looked after, I cried beforehand on the anaesthetist and the surgeon and all of the nurses and they were all so lovely and reassuring, and my recovery was very straightforward. I don't think if I had to have another op I would be anywhere near as scared. You will be fine.