AIBU to not pay for them?

Of course she doesn't treat her not grandchildren the same as her grandchildren. She has no relationship with them.

You accused ME of projecting, why can’t you be accused of projecting?

Difficult one. On the one hand they are step grandchildren, who hopefully you treat the same as your grandchildren, on the other hand it’s an expense you were not expecting

difficult to cancel as well, you can hardly say let’s do it another day when they are not here when they may already have been told about it

if you don’t pay just be prepared for the kids to be upset that you have treated them this way, and if you want to move it be prepared for the kids and your daughter to be upset as you are defiantly singling out the kids

personally i would just pay

Excellent post.

I do feel SC are hard done by sometimes on here but then there’s the other extreme of the expectation for SC to be loved as much as GC. It’s unfair and unrealistic, for everyone. And there is a huge difference - My brother was married to a woman who had a son from a previous relationship, this child called my DB daddy and there was pressure for my mum to be called grandma etc. well they split 5 years ago and none of us have seen him since. My brother collects his son from their house twice a month and says hello and that’s it. And that’s the difference - if OP’s DD divorced her husband tomorrow OP would have nothing more to do with the SC. But her GD will always be her GD

Only on MN would you expected to pay for dinner for an unknown number of not invited children unrelated to you that you barely know.

Pay no attention OP. In the real world, nobody would ever expect you to pay for them .

Yes and if they go to the Ritz it’ll be another £150 on the bill. The OP has not said how old the children are or where they are going. £19 for a standard meal in a pub sounds expensive to me.

I was basing it on two tween kids ordering burgers and a couple of cokes, but of course you are right, it depends where they go, how old the kids are and what they order. Either way, I think I would pay.

You don't know this.

I think it's reasonable to say you can't afford to pay for the whole group and can there be some contribution. NOT you cannot afford to pay for them

Please do not tell me what or how I feel.

Honestly the OP’s son in law is a total loss taker.

I feel like somehow it feels worse when people piss take using the excuse of “But the children! Think of the children” because it then makes the piss-taken person look like a child hating dickhead. Just looks at the responses on this thread! People piss take because it works and they have an army of half wits (probably perpetual piss takers themselves) backing them up

Don't be silly! You will be flamed on here, with a lecture of 'treating and loving all members of the blended family equally'. If you are not careful, you will be also getting instructions to mention all of the grandchildren, including step-grandchildren, equally in your will. Otherwise you will see a lot of recommendations on this thread for contact to be cut with you!

So many people are deliberately bypassing this point.

She never agreed to pay for all of them, including the step grandchildren. She agreed to pay for four people. They were the ones who added the additional people-so they should pay for them.

I don't know why so many people are acting as if OP is deliberately singling out those kids-when she isn't. She never agreed to pay for them in the first place.

Her son in law and DD have put her in this awful position by inviting additional guests and not offering to pay. I find that really rude.

They ARE less than.

They have their own 4 grandparents.

Way to make the DGC feel less than, eh, bestowing upon her step-siblings a 5th grandparent to spoil them on her birthday?

You only think this way (protecting step-children from feeling less than) because you feel a broken nuclear home is something to be compensated for. You're right, and I agree with that. But the people to do the compensating are the people who broke up their happy home. Their parents. Nobody else, not even the step-mother.

If you invited them then of course it would be lovely of you to pay if you're paying for the others.

But you didnt so you shouldnt feel obliged to pay. Their dad should pay.

No, she was taking four people out for dinner. If they want to add extra people, they pay for them.

@FuckMeUpFlorida What if you or your DM didn’t have that extra £50 spare? Does that mean that you’d never be able to treat a grandchild, because you couldn’t afford to treat everyone?

Not at all. It’s highly unlikely these kids will seek a bond with OP. And it’s massive cheeky fuckery to invite anyone along to a treat someone else is paying for and not at least offer to pay for their part

OP isn’t a stepmother though. It’s not a choice she made, she has no obligation beyond being pleasant to these kids

So if your mum arranged a meal just for you her your OH and your kids, and you had to bring your step kids along unplanned, would you just expect your mum to fork out for them?

Feels like you're massively projecting here.

I'm a Step mother and would never just pay for myself for dinner when my husband is paying for him and his kids meal. Neither has my DM done this for her step GC. This is so odd to me.

Honestly, I think it's rude to add extra guests to a meal that you're not paying for without offering to cover the additional costs.

It's not the step grandchildren's fault, of course, and they should not be singled out or othered.

I think you have a few options here.

1. Pay for all as planned, if your budget stretches to it.

2. Reschedule for a day that they don't have the step grandchildren and pay as planned. However, there's a risk that this may result in them inviting the step grandchildren on this other rescheduled outing, too and it may be a bit awkward to kind of say, "Oh, I need to reschedule then because I can't/won't pay for step grandchildren."

3. Pay for the children, but not the adults. I think this is the best way forward. That way no kid feels singled out and the people who should be covering their costs are. That way you're not absorbing the additional costs of the guests, but just paying what you agreed originally.

But I'd never invite additional guests to a meal that someone else was paying for without offering to cover the additional expense. That is beyond cheeky.

It would be at least an extra £ 50. I'm surprised at so many people dissmissing this as just a little extra. It wouldn't be to many people. Very rude to add extra people to a meal without immediately offering to pay for them.

OP has said they’re welcome to come. Or is it only “feeling like family” if money is thrown at them?

Also why is it even assumed these kids WANT to feel like the OP’s family. No offence to OP but she’s just a random older woman they’ve met a few times, they have their own grandparents, I doubt they give a second thought to wether she considers them family

Not cheeky at all, its their sisters birthday meal