AIBU to not pay for them?

Then you’re not struggling in the least

Most families, outside of Eastenders, don’t experience huge rifts over very minor incidents. Is your family unusually volatile?

FFS - if it was going to cause a “huge rift”, why didn’t the OP’s daughter and SIL ask if they could have the meal on a weekend when the other children would be with them? They weren’t even supposed to be there! They’re only there because their mother changed her plans! If their dad wasn’t concerned enough to say “Would you mind if we do it next weekend so I can include the older children?”, it’s hardly going to cause a “huge rift” if he has to pay for their own meals.

Let’s be honest - given the OP never came back, the whole thing is probably a work of fiction anyway. But if you’re going to comment, at least base it on what’s actually there.

@Semperldem

" Maybe you should also offer to sub the op the money to pay, as it is evident from her post that the additional cost is problematic, to go with your strong advice. "

Maybe you should also offer to sub the OP the money to pay for Family Counselling when her reluctance to include her Granddaughters siblings blows up in her face and causes a huge rift within the family.

I think it’s cheeky of the SIL to bring them along and not put his hand in his own pocket to pay for them .

If its an issue of affordability then I'd offer to cover a share of the bill rather than break it down to 'im paying for these particular people', or as others have said just pay for the kids and let your DD and DH pay for themselves. Alternatively just pay for mains only.

Yanbu if you don't have a relationship with those kids, but equally it's not their fault and I'd want to spare their feelings by not singling them out, while sticking within your originally budgeted spend

Maybe you should also offer to sub the op the money to pay, as it is evident from her post that the additional cost is problematic, to go with your strong advice.

Okay, but why does that mean OP should do the same?

She doesn’t have a ‘grandparent’ relationship with them, and it doesn’t seem to the case that they look to her to provide one either. They weren’t invited in the first place.

This situation is the result of their mother’s plans suddenly changing, rather than a case of their father objecting to a dinner that doesn’t include them.

If your son-in-law is your grand-daughter's father, that would make your son-in-law's children your grand-daughter's siblings. On that basis, I would strongly advise you to not leave her siblings out and simply pay for them too.

If I offered to take a family out to dinner and had a certain spend in mind, I would find a restaurant where my budget could accommodate everyone. If that means changing plans because more of the family are coming so be it.

But she didn’t offer to take “a family” to dinner. She offered to take her daughter, SIL and granddaughter to dinner - for her granddaughter’s birthday. It wasn’t some general “come on, come all” invitation.

My aunt and uncle are also part of my family. If I offer to treat my parents to dinner, can they just turn up and I have to wear it regardless?

@Flopsythebunny

To quote the OP:

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

I don't see how she's saying she can afford it there! Besides that she hardly knows them! And they are not related at all, if they had been, it would have been a different story!
Why should she have to pay for them under these circumstances?! I certainly wouldn't and I think she's right not to either!
The meal that has been arranged is for her granddaughters birthday at the end of the day. She shouldn't have been put in this position.

I'm disappointed that the OP hasn't been back, it would have been nice for her to at least acknowledge the comments.
It does worry me somewhat that this may have been a "wind 'em up, watch 'em go" post...

Yes she did.
Im not rich. I survive on pip and my husband still works in his 70's because his pension was stolen, but we would still pay for a meal for our step grandchildren.

@Flopsythebunny It would be really helpful if you properly read the OP and digested it, rather than interpreting it into your own little spin. She never once said she can afford it! She said she's not poor, but she's not rich either! How you interpreted that as being able to afford it, I've no idea! Lucky for you if you don't have to count every penny, but some people do! 🙄

If I offered to take a family out to dinner and had a certain spend in mind, I would find a restaurant where my budget could accommodate everyone. If that means changing plans because more of the family are coming so be it.

OP has made a very generous offer but I would rather refuse her hospitality than let two children feel marginalised.

It depends on social circles. Anecdotally, based on what I’ve seen in both my personal and professional life, it’s been those with less that generally have the ‘no difference between step and biological children’ ethos. In wealthier families I have rarely, if ever, seen extended stepfamilies expect, or be expected to, pay for stepchildren or consider them grandchildren.

Considering that the DD and her husband were fine arranging it without them in the first place, and haven’t asked her to have a relationship with them beyond seeing them now and again, they don’t seem to have those expectations either. It may very well be that they’ve taken it as a given that they will cover the costs themselves.

Where did you get that from? From this?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich

That doesn’t translate to “I can afford it but don’t want to pay” for me.

If you can't afford to pay for all of the children in the family, by all means explain that to your daughter and either cancel or ask to go halves (which would be embarrassing, because you should have thought this through before you made the offer).

You can’t think something through if you don’t know it’s going to happen. The stepchildren weren’t even supposed to be there that weekend.

She's already said that she can afford it, she just doesn't see what she should

I find the emotion around “step grandchildren” so interesting. Perhaps because I was one. My step dad’s parents were always kind when my sibling and I saw them, gave gifts for Christmas/birthdays and so on. Attended my wedding. I was fond of them, them of me…but they weren’t my grandparents, I wasn’t their grandchild. I’ve no doubt that they gave their actual grandchildren mor, were rather more than simply “fond” of them etc.

It never came up as a direct conversation, because all the adults involved were emotionally intelligent enough to understand the relationship for what it was so didn’t try to make it something it was not. That is where tension arises.

”step grandchildren” aren’t being treated as lesser for not being treated identically as actual grandchildren, the relationship is different.

I think outright ignoring the existence of children is cruel and you do sometimes see that happen, but that isn’t what happened in my experience, it isn’t what the op has suggested here either.

You get to invite people you have a relationship with.
She barely sees them. They are not her GC.

Be prepared to pay for them this once.
Also be prepared to accept their father paying for his kids, should he offer..
And I like the option of you paying for all the kids and yourself and the other adults paying for themselves.

After the birthday, discuss in private with your daughter about your financial capacity.
It won't hurt her being aware of what is sustainable for you.

We don't know enough to decide. GDC might be something like 4 yrs old, and the older siblings 17, 16 and 15. Or the DGC might be 4, with the half-siblings 7 and 8.
The date might be the DGC's actual birthday or it might be the nearest weekend.

Speak to your DD. Personally I'd pay for them. I'd do that for my GC's half siblings. They had step siblings at one point and if I sent sweets etc for my GC, they'd be sent for all children. If one of my DD's friends needed emergency childcare I'd say bring them and I'd cover it (if it wasn't offered by the parents). In RL I don't see the attitudes and penny pinching (unless skint), that is on here.

Why would ANY of the children know who is paying for the meal for any of them to feel less than, or singled out etc.? How the bill is split is a conversation between the adults, and none of them should be saying to the kids who has paid for who because it is none of their business.

I think it was posted just to start a bun fight.