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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not pay for them?

287 replies

Trinity890 · 06/02/2025 14:26

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

OP posts:
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MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2025 19:39

UpMyself · 09/02/2025 18:19

@YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun , @MrsTerryPratchett ,OP didn't specify the number of step-grandkids. If there are 3 or 4 of them, it would change the event considerably.

And hasn't been back to the thread. Honestly, there's not a lot of point speculating at this point!

Pretz123 · 09/02/2025 18:28

Maybe alter the agreement to make a donation of £X towards the meal and your DD /DH cover the balance?

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 09/02/2025 18:24

UpMyself · 09/02/2025 18:19

@YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun , @MrsTerryPratchett ,OP didn't specify the number of step-grandkids. If there are 3 or 4 of them, it would change the event considerably.

OK? My advice still stands if its an extra one person or an extra 25 people, tell them that it's now out of budget and either reschedule or see what solution they come up with.

UpMyself · 09/02/2025 18:19

@YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun , @MrsTerryPratchett ,OP didn't specify the number of step-grandkids. If there are 3 or 4 of them, it would change the event considerably.

Savemefromwetdog · 09/02/2025 06:54

Yanbu, surely he doesn’t just think he can bring his other two along and you’ll just pay for them, no questions asked?!

Tourmalines · 09/02/2025 04:31

TheThreeMiracles · 08/02/2025 22:37

That's just my opinion on it, I don't think it's right not to pay for them, or change the evening to another one where it is just her daughter's kids ! Step kids should be treated the same !

They are not her step kids . She is under no obligation whatsoever.

YikesItsLate · 09/02/2025 04:25

You are not being unreasonable. The parents should pay the extra, and I’m sure they already have grandparents of their own.

InterIgnis · 09/02/2025 02:07

TheThreeMiracles · 08/02/2025 21:48

If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel if dd husband said he'd pay for his mum but not you? You'd have to pay for your own ( being the only one that had to ) your daughter has clearly accepted the step children and I think you'd be really unkind to suggest they pay separately !

Except OP has never taken on the role of grandparent for them, and wasn’t expected to invite them in the first place. Her daughter and their father were fine booking it for a night they weren’t there. They aren’t the same, and don’t need to be treated as if they are.

OP agreed to take for four people. If another two need to be added then their father can pay.

TheThreeMiracles · 08/02/2025 22:37

That's just my opinion on it, I don't think it's right not to pay for them, or change the evening to another one where it is just her daughter's kids ! Step kids should be treated the same !

Tourmalines · 08/02/2025 22:34

TheThreeMiracles · 08/02/2025 21:48

If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel if dd husband said he'd pay for his mum but not you? You'd have to pay for your own ( being the only one that had to ) your daughter has clearly accepted the step children and I think you'd be really unkind to suggest they pay separately !

That’s totally incomparable.

HipMax · 08/02/2025 22:06

TheThreeMiracles · 08/02/2025 21:48

If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel if dd husband said he'd pay for his mum but not you? You'd have to pay for your own ( being the only one that had to ) your daughter has clearly accepted the step children and I think you'd be really unkind to suggest they pay separately !

If she hasn't been invited and didn't know the person paying, I'm sure she'd be fine with it. Wouldn't we all?

TheThreeMiracles · 08/02/2025 21:48

If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel if dd husband said he'd pay for his mum but not you? You'd have to pay for your own ( being the only one that had to ) your daughter has clearly accepted the step children and I think you'd be really unkind to suggest they pay separately !

Tourmalines · 08/02/2025 21:04

Maybe they are out to dinner this Saturday and all have had a great time . SIL paid for his own elder kids, as so he should , and all is well. Pity OP can’t come and let us all know exactly what the intentions were on his part . Maybe he had no intention of expecting her to pay .

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2025 20:54

I’d have spoken to dd in advance and said it’s unfortunate but you can’t afford to pay for the extra (uninvited) people, no matter who they are. You weren’t told about them at the start, it’s unfair to expect you to pay unexpected costs when you’re treating your dgd.

MoonWoman69 · 08/02/2025 20:33

@JandamiHash @HipMax @BrightonFrock

I seriously wouldn't bother dollies, you're wasting your breath, you can't argue with someone stupid enough not to get it! They clearly can't comprehend the situation, if they've bothered to read the OP at all! It's like banging your head against a brick wall! 🙄

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/02/2025 18:56

So what did you decide to do @Trinity890

Did you all go out today or ask dd/dh to pay for the extra 2 meals

HipMax · 08/02/2025 15:46

heyhopotato · 08/02/2025 15:38

If nothing else it's a sign you should be trying to develop a closer relationship with the older ones.

Why? She barely knows them and is nothing to them.

heyhopotato · 08/02/2025 15:38

If nothing else it's a sign you should be trying to develop a closer relationship with the older ones.

BrightonFrock · 08/02/2025 15:35

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:59

Odfod

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You’re so desperate to tell everyone how lovely you are because you wouldn’t dreeeeeam of excluding the step grandchildren (who may not even give a toss for all you know) - yet you’re telling anyone who disagrees with you to fuck off. Lovely indeed.

UpMyself · 08/02/2025 15:05

@Flopsythebunny ,read the OP. We don't know anything about the grandchild's wishes, how many half-siblings the grandchild has, or what the family dynamic is. All we know is that the OP isn't close to them and that they weren't invited because they were meant to be with their mother that weekend.

HipMax · 08/02/2025 15:02

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:59

Odfod

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You first.

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:59

HipMax · 08/02/2025 14:56

She is not. What a dickish thing to say. Check your privilege.

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Odfod

HipMax · 08/02/2025 14:56

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:46

Neither is the op. She's just mean spirited

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She is not. What a dickish thing to say. Check your privilege.

JandamiHash · 08/02/2025 14:48

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:46

Neither is the op. She's just mean spirited

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She can’t afford it: that’s clear.

And how is it mean spirited to not pay for extra guests you didn’t expect or agree to? Isn’t the son in law mean spirited to bringing uninvited guests along and expecting someone else to pay?

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:46

JandamiHash · 08/02/2025 13:46

Then you’re not struggling in the least

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Neither is the op. She's just mean spirited