Feeling protective of my DC

Honestly I've had such a culture shock just coming back from Lanzarote. People were so kind and accommodating to me and my baby there 😭 people actually interact with her.

Meanwhile here I feel so harassed and anxious when my baby cries because you just get dirty looks.

I don't want everyone to fawn over my baby, but...she's a person. And babies learn by staring and watching. It's just basic manners and human decency to smile back at a baby or young kid and say hi. Britain does hate kids for real, it feels so hostile here in so many public settings 😭

I used to be adamantly child free and find kids annoying af. I now have an 8 month old, so I've been on both sides of this.

However, I would never have let affect my friendships. I'm a die hard feminist, and truly believe society is hard enough for mothers without child free people being arses. Children have the right to act like children and exist in public spaces.

Also, not wanting children is one thing, but hating them? They're just tiny vulnerable people. I repeat, they are still people with their own thoughts and wants and imo should be treated with the same respect you'd treat anyone else, instead of like a public nuisance. I side eye anyone who tells me they despise children and thinks they should be banned in public, etc.

Friends are entitled to want adult only times of course, but people also have to respect there are times you can't get childcare. People either need to accept that and acknowledge that sometimes young children come as a package, or they need to think whether the friendship is something they can continue. I'd personally rather see my friends with kids than not seeing them at all.

Being rude in your own home is ridiculous. You need new friends if that's the case. And regardless of what you think of kids, it's not hard to feign interest. Like you don't care about everything your friend says and does, but it's good manners and being a good friend to be supportive of the things your friend loves.

I am so supportive of everyone's choice to have or not have children. A lot of child free people don't seem to extend the same courtesy to women with children. I can't drop everything for a friend anymore, and meet up on a whim. True friends get that. Motherhood can be so isolating, and it's important to have supportive friends.

I've had a friend who never invited me to anything anymore, and I feel really hurt by it as it's someone I've been a loyal friend to for a decade. And it's hard for me to meet up alone right now with an EBF baby and elderly parents who don't always want childcare.

Some of it is cultural. When my baby was a couple of weeks old, she was screaming in her pram in Primark. There was nothing wrong, she'd been fed etc, she was just being a baby. I just wanted to pay for my stuff and go. I'd have picked her up straight after. The amount of dirty looks I had was unreal. One woman even came up to me, literally touched my baby, and asked if she'd been fed. I could have killed her honestly. Meanwhile we went for a meal in a Turkish restaurant, and the moment we walked in, the Turkish owner whisked my baby away and was dancing around the room with her! I felt so welcome 😭 also recently went to Lanzarote, and every single waiter made a fuss of my little one.

Anyway, I empathise OP. Being a mum is hard, and I personally think our society is quite hostile to lone mums (people aren't as quick to judge if dad is there) and children generally.

Anyway. This turned into quite the rant 🤣

Hey OP
You know something is wrong about the dynamic.... trust your gut.
For me, having my kid changed everything, - how I felt about the world. I fundamentally felt my values and approach to life change.
If someone wasn't going to welcome my kid, then they weren't going to be part of my life. And in turn I celebrated who my friends were becoming as they became parents (and apologized to those friends who had had kids before me for being a dick and not getting that they might actually welcome the change 🤪)
So some forgiveness for people who haven't been through the mammoth life change that is being a parent, as my friends were kind to me in my narrow mindedness, but no quarter given if they are rude to someone for whom I sacrificed so much to bring into the world.
Find people who celebrate you as you change and grow, not those who want to fossilize you to justify their own life choices.

If someone is deliberately rude to my kids, then that's our friendship over.

Find new friends.

if you’re meeting up with friends for a social occasion I’m sure the last thing they want is you bringing your child along - especially if he is the only one there. We all adore our own children - when it comes to other people’s, not so much. A social occasion for adults is just that - learn to read the room. As for them being in HIS house - grow up. Not everyone wants to fawn over him.

You are going to have to find your backbone I’m afraid. I don’t think it’s fair to expect anyone to meet every weekend let alone someone with a young child, who understandably, would like to spend time with their child at weekends.

6-8 weeks between meet-ups is perfectly reasonable and if they can’t or won’t accept that you can’t meet up more regularly than that then they aren’t very good friends and I would start to look for new friends,

Children are not a homogeneous group. I really like some and others are rather hard work. I like chatting to my friends’ children when I go to their houses.

This is exactly what I was going to say. For the sake of argument, older people can be quite annoying - different generational values, not getting cultural references, having to have things repeated and explained over and over. It wouldn't be acceptable to treat someone elderly badly in their own home, so why is it ok for children?

Edited to add: this isn't how I feel or behave around older people.

There's nothing worse, really? I think a "friend" being rude and dismissive of your child is worse, tbh.

I have a friendship group where nearly all of them can't stand kids. Me and one other couple have children but the rest are very vocally anti-children. I don't think they'd actually be mean to my children's faces but they would be disinterested. They certainly don't want to hear me talking about my kids. They're always saying how annoying, boring, irritating children are etc. They'd rather die than have children.
To be honest from day one I've just kept my children sperate from this group. I never take them to meet these friends and I'd only invite my friends over if the children were asleep or out. It's just too stressful trying to socialise with this group if the kids are around. None of us enjoy it!
I don't talk about my children to them because I know they're not interested. It's OK thought as I tend to talk about the children a lot with other people so it's nice to focus on other topics of conversation.
I feel like with these friends I can be myself - the old me who was a bit silly and funny rather than always being in sensible mum mode.

Wouldn't be my friends anymore, simple as that!

I think that some people without children think children are a nuisance. I was one of those pre motherhood.

When childless I would visit a friend, drive 1 hour each way to her house to then having her interrupt our conversation every 2-3 minutes to talk to the child. I wasn't rude to the child but preferred not to visit again under those conditions. It is difficult being friends with people with children when you're childless and dislike children interaction.

They must be annoyed if they are trying to talk to you and your child is interrupting asking them things or asking them to play and they can't have a proper adult conversation. Obviously, your child is being a child, he's not wrong but your friends may not know how to properly interact with a child.

Now that I'm a mother I go out with my child only with friends that have young children. If I'm meeting friends that have much older kids or no kids, I don't bring my child and get the dad to look after him. Although, I still dislike badly behaving kids and would avoid them.

Are the friends who are rolling eyes, ignoring your child and you in the same group of friends?if so that speaks for itself. Also, does that mean you literally can't even speak about your child at all? (I don't mean chat about him all day bit even mention him).

Some friendships drift when lives change etc and that is perfectly fine. I don't think your on the same level any more and frankly you deserve better friends.

Eta- if anyone came to my house and acted in that way towards my family they would be out the door before they could get a chance for another eye roll.

We are the same. Like children, but glad to hand them back at the appropriate time. Interaction at a mainly adult gathering depends on the parent really. If they aren’t getting involved, full attention on child rather than everything else, it’s perhaps not the right point to meet up, as no one is likely to be getting what they want from the interaction….bad manners if visiting a home with children in though, you take an interest, or simply don’t go. We have taken friends and family children out for day though, without parents and had a great time. They might have been allowed to do some things, eaten some things, said some things that wasn’t routine, but so far no harm has come to any of them, and they keep coming back for more. I am out of my comfort zone with anything under 5 though🤣 Must be potty trained, and able to eat with a knife and fork. Preferably into animals.

You can tell someone's character by the way they treat children and old people. Don't bring your child where he isn't welcome, I can understand wanting adults only time that's fine but going out of your way to ignore a child is mean.

Child free people aren't all the same. I have friends who love kids, interact really well with them but just never wanted their own.

They're being incredibly rude, both directly to your child and by inviting him then being rude.

I have a friend who doesn't like spending time with children. We organise child free meet ups, but she doesn't demand meet ups every weekend or every couple of weeks as she knows that's a ridiculous demand of someone with children that you don't want to see.

When you say no to meeting up and they say "just bring him" then just reiterate your no. They don't mean it, your DC don't enjoy it, and it's stressful for you. Just say no and stick to adult only meet ups, but they'll have to realise that you can't do that every weekend

@OrangeChips1 yanbu. Its basic manner to say hello and ask another human being how they are. Whatever their age. Other people's children are not annoying. Im a mum but i enjoy talking to other people's children. I even talk to dogs, even though im a cat person 😹 Your friends lack emapthy and tact.

A normal friend sees your child as an extension of you. I cut people off who’ve ever shown any disrespect for any of my children.