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Original poster

MIL doing my head in - constantly complaining and racist remarks

109 replies

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:26

MIL arrived at 5pm last night and is due to stay until Sunday at 2pm. However she has already made me consider putting my head in the oven or running away totally.

I have 2 daughters, 4 and 6 months, I’m on maternity leave so get the joy of hosting MIL all day while my lovely DH works.

Lets list the issues so far

  • We had Mexican food for dinner, she complained that it was just fajitas and nachos and felt that tacos and other fillings (we had the same chicken on both the nachos and fajitas, she wanted some sort of other meat filling too) should have been offered and mentioned several times she was disappointed
  • Since she last stayed we have swapped the rooms around, now both DDs share the larger room and the guest room is the smallest one. It has a double bed (against a wall), a chest of drawers and a wardrobe so plenty for a short stay, but no no she complained as it’s too small for her and it doesn’t get light in the morning as it’s north facing.
  • This morning she complained that we were having a cold breakfast, I said there was food in the fridge if she wanted to make more but she said guests shouldn’t have to cook
  • Complained DD (4) was eating in her pyjamas. We always do DDs breakfast in pyjamas as I don’t feel like having to change her after she gets weetabix and jam all over her uniform before school
  • MIL did the school run with us, got out the car and we were a bit early so DD ran over to her friend who was playing in the little bit of playground that’s open at the start of the day. I waved to her dad and my MIL whispered “gosh he looks like one of those Hamas” - he is Jordanian. I immediately said that was inappropriate. Her dad is actually also my DHs boss (massive coincidence since we live in London and not even very close to each other that our girls are at the same school).
  • In the car back she complained non stop, as he has there with his 2 daughters (one DDs age and a toddler), his wife gave birth just a week ago so dad is on school run duty. My MIL that “he looked like a hamas member” and his children look nothing like him (his wife is British, the children are fairly light skinned and have light brown hair). She has since complained to my SIL loudly on the phone that a “man who looks like he could be in Hamas, was hanging around outside DDs school and that is odd as it’s an all girls school. He’s not hanging around - he’s dropping his child off!! I have corrected her and pointed this out and she said “she just doesn’t know she has a weird feeling about him”. He is literally DHs boss and the dad of DDs best friend, we know the family really well and they are all lovely.

For context MIL is divorced and doesn’t have much of a social life, short of her calls to her children which are spent complaining. She lives in a small village and while there isn’t as much diversity as in London, there are people from all sorts of backgrounds - she just acts like she is blind to them or spews Islamophobic hate (she’s a big reform supporter).

AIBU to be thinking I can’t do a full weekend of this and to tell DH I’m booking a spa hotel and he and the children can have a lovely weekend with his mum without me!

OP posts:
TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 06/02/2025 12:13

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

I cannot be racist, I have black/Asian/Chinese/mongolian friends... trope
One can be even married to 'not one of our people' and still not want 'others' in this country. Then there are politicians whose policy and views would mean their own parents/family would not be accepted here, yet there they are, having had the benefits of being born here, wanting to exclude people

Coloursofthewind2 · 06/02/2025 12:11

I'd suggest that she books a Premier Inn next time. Tell her it's for her sake so she doesn't have to put up with the small guest room and she can have a cooked breakfast. Then if she says no, every time she complains about something "well I did suggest a Premier inn"
The racism I just wouldn't hold back on saying how terrible it is.

Original poster
Spooniey · 06/02/2025 12:10

DaisyChain505 · 06/02/2025 12:08

You have a DH problem here.

Why is HIS mother coming to stay when he’s not even there?

He should be the one calling out his mum every time she slags off the dinner served to her, the room she’s offered etc.

And if she’s staying he should be taking time off work to be with her.

She is not your responsibility.

Edited

I really don’t have a DH problem.

She has an appointment this afternoon she had to be in London for. He is off work tomorrow and has been calling her out. He would have been off today but there was a client meeting he couldn’t get out of so has had to go in.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 06/02/2025 12:08

You have a DH problem here.

Why is HIS mother coming to stay when he’s not even there?

He should be the one calling out his mum every time she slags off the dinner served to her, the room she’s offered etc.

And if she’s staying he should be taking time off work to be with her.

She is not your responsibility.

Spirallingdownwards · 06/02/2025 12:07

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

Tell your Asian friends who you care for that your are going to vote Reform I woukd guess they may not be friends for much longer.

@Spooniey every tine she makes a racist comment I woukd simply say we do not accept racist comments being made in this family. Repeat. And then say I am afraid if one more racist comment is made I will have to ask you to leave

EuclidianGeometryFan · 06/02/2025 12:07

These are your choices:

Option one:
React to her, challenge her, stand up for yourself, escalate to an argument, then have a whopping great flaming screaming shouting row. With luck she will leave early and go home. Her response of "silent treatment, calling SIL to complain who would back her up, defensiveness once the silent treatment ended and ultimately ensuring she was the victim when she told anyone who would listen" is really not a problem. In fact it is a win if she goes no-contact for a while and sulks. The key is just not caring what she, SIL, or anyone else thinks of you.

Option two:
Bite your tongue, give bland answers, go grey rock, go out for the evenings as soon as DH is home, avoid her for the weekend. Then after she is gone tell DH you will never be in the same room as her again.

thepariscrimefiles · 06/02/2025 12:06

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

How are illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue? They are housed in horrible accommodation that UK nationals wouldn't want to live in. Many Reform voters do have racist views and buy into racist tropes that illegal immigrants are being treated better than people born in the UK.

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 06/02/2025 12:04

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

Racist + supports Reform.
Not a bigoted trope, that's what she is.
The OP said nothing about all Reform voters being racist. That's a conclusion you leapt to.

LeBonBon · 06/02/2025 12:01

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

Did the millions of Germans who voted for the Nazi party in 1933 hate all Jewish people and want them all dead? No, I'd imagine not. Did it matter? Not one jot.

If you want all illegal immigrants out, that's one thing. But where does it end? Once all of them are out, and there are still problems, do you then turn on ordinary people like the dad in this scenario because he looks a certain way? That's what people are worried about and rightly so.

We learn nothing.

thepariscrimefiles · 06/02/2025 12:00

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:38

Silent treatment, calling SIL to complain who would back her up, defensiveness once the silent treatment ended and ultimately ensuring she was the victim when she told anyone who would listen, I suspect she is narcissistic.

Show quote history

What did she say when you DH told her to get a hotel if she isn't satisfied with her accommodation? Tell her that you don't want any racist remarks in your home or at school and never ever let her come and stay with you again, particularly when your DH is at work.

She sounds like a completely awful human being with no redeeming features. Your DH obviously knows what his mum is like if he pulled her up on her remarks about meals and the smaller bedroom so why has she been invited to stay? She obviously isn't enjoying herself and she's a terrible influence on your children with her racist views.

itsnotagameshow · 06/02/2025 11:59

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

This is satire, right? For one thing, if someone is deemed to be an illegal immigrant (so having had their case heard as an asylum seeker and not accepted), then there is no way they would be housed.

diddl · 06/02/2025 11:58

I’m on maternity leave so get the joy of hosting MIL all day while my lovely DH works.

Nope!

Why does she have to be hosted?

If she does what is your husband doing to help?

Is he having no time off at at to spend with her?

Can you invite the boss for dinner??

balzamico · 06/02/2025 11:54

You need to leave her at home and get out as much as possible. Do not go out with her in case she spouts such awful stuff again and tell her that's why. She does not do the school run tomorrow and if you've any groups or r activities she does not get to tag along. Once the weekend arrives and dh is off work, fade into the background and leave h in to it - it's him and the kids she really wants to see anyway

FallenRaingel · 06/02/2025 11:52

Pack her bags and show her the door.

Tell DH what she has done and either she goes or you do. Be out of the house until he gets home. Let her be the victim all she wants, anyone who agrees with her is probably just as bad and the trash will take itself out.

Horrible woman wouldn't be near my children or my home.

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

MoonWoman69 · 06/02/2025 11:51

Oh @Spooniey You've got so much more patience than I would have! 😡
I'd front this time out, there's not long left before she goes, but I'd have to pounce every time she was offensive. Show her up each and every time for what she is, ignorant, rude and unreasonable!
And the next time she wants to stay, it's not convenient for you, nor the time after... And so on!
I'd definitely be blocking her and SIL!

FurryTeacup · 06/02/2025 11:49

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:38

Silent treatment, calling SIL to complain who would back her up, defensiveness once the silent treatment ended and ultimately ensuring she was the victim when she told anyone who would listen, I suspect she is narcissistic.

Show quote history

So what, though? If the alternative to silent treatment is vocal suspicion that anyone dark-skinned belongs to a violent organisation and complaints, then silent treatment sounds ace!

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 06/02/2025 11:48

I would be telling my dh that if she is invited again, he will take all the days off and deal with his mum. In the meantime, be very vague in your response. "Is that right?" Or "uhuh" or "I see" or "you'll need to take that up with DH" or anything anodine. I would, purely for my satisfaction, compose a mil bingo. Compile a mental list of her usual phrases/complaints and tick them off as she says them.

arcticpandas · 06/02/2025 11:47

I would have sent her packing. Don't want no cf entitled racist person in my house.

MsMarch · 06/02/2025 11:45

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:44

DH wasn’t there when she was being racist, he’s at work.

He did tell her that if she didn’t like the food she could order herself something and if she wanted a bigger room he’d drop her off at a hotel.

Show quote history

h, well in that case, I'd just continue pushing back.

I'd also not be entertaiing her. I think you arranged to meet a friend and her baby for lunch today didn't you? And tomorrow you'r eout for a long walk?

Pickled21 · 06/02/2025 11:44

I'd tell her to sling her hook but I would have no issues in saying I don't want a racist around my children, family or otherwise. We are muslim though and dh would be absolutely gutted if people voiced such opinions about him when he drops our kids to school. I'd just share how she behaved with your dh and see what he has to say. I wouldn't waste your precious maternity leave hosting her again.

Original poster
Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:44

Dror · 06/02/2025 11:41

Why is your husband not correcting her?
Get her to do the silent treatment, that's ideal. Her son can host her.

Do your kids need to be around a racist?

DH wasn’t there when she was being racist, he’s at work.

He did tell her that if she didn’t like the food she could order herself something and if she wanted a bigger room he’d drop her off at a hotel.

OP posts:
username299 · 06/02/2025 11:43

Just explain to your husband that you aren't prepared to host her anymore but he's obviously welcome to visit her whenever he wants. She's welcome in the house but you won't be there.

Block her and the SIL.

MsMarch · 06/02/2025 11:43

I assume your DH was there at dinner. did he step in and tell her how rude she was?

Ditto, when she was shown to the room and was complaining, was your DH stepping in to tell her to stop?

I simply would not stand for any of this but then, I am not known for being shy to speak my mind.

Breakfast, "Well MIL - guests also don't usually complan about what they're offered"

Room: "This is the sapce we have available, if it's not to your liking, I can recommend a hotel"

Dinner: "This is how we eat our food MIL."

As for the racism, that would have got very direct answers from me, "That's ridiculous MIL. He's a parent at the school. Please stop making offensive and stupid comments."

Beamur · 06/02/2025 11:42

Lordy.
I think your DH needs to have a chat with his Mum
Can he take Friday off work?
I'd leave her at home for the school run..