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Original poster

MIL doing my head in - constantly complaining and racist remarks

109 replies

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:26

MIL arrived at 5pm last night and is due to stay until Sunday at 2pm. However she has already made me consider putting my head in the oven or running away totally.

I have 2 daughters, 4 and 6 months, I’m on maternity leave so get the joy of hosting MIL all day while my lovely DH works.

Lets list the issues so far

  • We had Mexican food for dinner, she complained that it was just fajitas and nachos and felt that tacos and other fillings (we had the same chicken on both the nachos and fajitas, she wanted some sort of other meat filling too) should have been offered and mentioned several times she was disappointed
  • Since she last stayed we have swapped the rooms around, now both DDs share the larger room and the guest room is the smallest one. It has a double bed (against a wall), a chest of drawers and a wardrobe so plenty for a short stay, but no no she complained as it’s too small for her and it doesn’t get light in the morning as it’s north facing.
  • This morning she complained that we were having a cold breakfast, I said there was food in the fridge if she wanted to make more but she said guests shouldn’t have to cook
  • Complained DD (4) was eating in her pyjamas. We always do DDs breakfast in pyjamas as I don’t feel like having to change her after she gets weetabix and jam all over her uniform before school
  • MIL did the school run with us, got out the car and we were a bit early so DD ran over to her friend who was playing in the little bit of playground that’s open at the start of the day. I waved to her dad and my MIL whispered “gosh he looks like one of those Hamas” - he is Jordanian. I immediately said that was inappropriate. Her dad is actually also my DHs boss (massive coincidence since we live in London and not even very close to each other that our girls are at the same school).
  • In the car back she complained non stop, as he has there with his 2 daughters (one DDs age and a toddler), his wife gave birth just a week ago so dad is on school run duty. My MIL that “he looked like a hamas member” and his children look nothing like him (his wife is British, the children are fairly light skinned and have light brown hair). She has since complained to my SIL loudly on the phone that a “man who looks like he could be in Hamas, was hanging around outside DDs school and that is odd as it’s an all girls school. He’s not hanging around - he’s dropping his child off!! I have corrected her and pointed this out and she said “she just doesn’t know she has a weird feeling about him”. He is literally DHs boss and the dad of DDs best friend, we know the family really well and they are all lovely.

For context MIL is divorced and doesn’t have much of a social life, short of her calls to her children which are spent complaining. She lives in a small village and while there isn’t as much diversity as in London, there are people from all sorts of backgrounds - she just acts like she is blind to them or spews Islamophobic hate (she’s a big reform supporter).

AIBU to be thinking I can’t do a full weekend of this and to tell DH I’m booking a spa hotel and he and the children can have a lovely weekend with his mum without me!

OP posts:
Notjustabrunette · 06/02/2025 13:12

My MIL is no way as bad as yours, but she really does love a moan. FIL is house bound and her life is very small these days. It’s almost as if she has nothing to talk about, so she just finds things to complain about.
I have no advise for you I’m afraid, best of luck for the weekend.

wizzywig · 06/02/2025 13:10

Ask her if she is one of those crazy single cat lady women that jd vance talked about.

RatalieTatalie · 06/02/2025 12:47

My (thankfully now ex) MIL was like this. Hideously racist, homophobic, classist - you name it, she was prejudiced against it!

She is not someone I want having any influence over my childrens thoughts on the world and so we hugely limited contact before the split anyway.

I wouldn't have the patience you are showing and (presuming your husband doesn't agree with her views), I would pass the task of keeping her in check to him!

Namechangehsbdhdhdh · 06/02/2025 12:46

DancingHippos · 06/02/2025 11:32

You may have to suck it up this weekend but I would completely minimise contact with her in the future and NEVER let your DC be alone with her, and you don't be alone with her again. She is not nice

This. Tempting as it is to leave DH alone with her and the kids, be there to drawer firm boundaries. My MIL and SIL who lives with her are absolute poison. They will start on DC if they get the chance.

OP, your DH needs to stand up to her regarding her foul comments about his boss. Any of this infront of the kids and she leaves. So glad for you he does stand up to her. Mine doesn’t and it is a massive source of tension.

RaininSummer · 06/02/2025 12:44

She sounds ghastly. Endless complaints and added racist crazy comments.

user1492757084 · 06/02/2025 12:42

She won't be back often, Op; the room is too small.

Your MIL sounds like she is getting too old and she is losing her ability to be adaptible and see new things with positivity.
She must be seriously upset about the horrific Gaza war.
I think all people who know her will understand that she is difficult and that her assessments are often inaccurate.

Take shelter in your room with a good book for some of the time your DH is home. He is good at reacting to her.

Anonymouseposter · 06/02/2025 12:40

I don't like MIL threads but this woman does sound particularly awful. I would be very tempted to tell her that if the food and accommodation aren't acceptable she would be better in a hotel.

MrsWinkly · 06/02/2025 12:39

Christ, she sounds ignorant, rude and insufferable!

Springsareup · 06/02/2025 12:34

I wouldn't want her around my DC either. She's disgusting. What if your DC goes to school and repeats wording it 'my family thinks this'. This could be flagged by school as a safeguarding concern that you are a family of racists. Or your DDs friend could repeat the conversation to your DHs boss. I can't imagine you would get away with acting so ungrateful about food at her house either.

JimHalpertsWife · 06/02/2025 12:32

"If you want to keep visiting this house, then you'll keep your racist comments inside your own head when you are here. I will not entertain listening to shit like this from you, and it the kids ever overhear it then it'll be the last visit you ever get here"

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 06/02/2025 12:31

YANBU she sounds awful except for the dinner thing if you serve two dishes then they s houldn't both be chicken sorry 😀but thats just nitpiking let your dh deal with her in future.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/02/2025 12:29

I would speak to your husband this evening [he sounds like a star by the way] and tell him that she will not be joining you on the school run tomorrow morning and why. It won't be career enhancing for him.

Lesson learned, she's an unpleasant houseguest to say the least of it. The baby will need its own room too soon so sadly it will be the last time you can host. Dammit. Sounds like you will both continue to call her out on her behaviour. If she blows up, has a flounce or complains to SIL. So What?

Let your DH handle it, he can always offer to take her home after work once she's had her appointment.

I'd also casually drop into conversation that there's been two notes from school about norovirus in some year groups and you hope it doesn't come home by the weekend.

GCAcademic · 06/02/2025 12:26

I would cook only vegetarian food for the rest of her stay.

And buy her the book The Hundred Years War on Palestine for her birthday.

MikeRafone · 06/02/2025 12:25

Tell her it’s farige like farage not far raage

tell her the good old days in the 1960s &1970s she want uk to go back to, we’re built on socialism and strong unions

nhs was built on immigration and would fail without expat Indians and West Indians 🥰

if she gets upset and gives you the silent treatment- tell her not to be a snowflake 😉

these people are happy to dish it out, but struggle when someone dishes it straight back

DemonicCaveMaggot · 06/02/2025 12:23

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

You aren't racist but you'll put quite a few people into power who are both stupid and racist. It's like Trump supporters who just want a stop to illegal drug shipments. They'll get what they want but they really should have looked at what else they, and everyone else, was going to get too.

Also Reform is registered as a limited company. Companies are formed to make a profit which somebody gets to keep - not the members I suspect. I'd look at who gets to keep that money and what their real motivations are before voting for them.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 06/02/2025 12:22

Tell her she needs to leave as dd's friend is coming over and you know how her feelings are about that... Say you couldn't possibly ask her to be in the same house..
. Help her pack.
And keep her out.. Your dc do not need a dgm like her....

Smokesandeats · 06/02/2025 12:21

She’s very rude and unpleasant. That racist remark must have been so upsetting for you to hear about a friend. Once she’s gone back to her swamp, I’d tell your DH that you will NEVER host her on your own again even for a few hours.

MrsJRHartley · 06/02/2025 12:20

I've previously told my MIL I won't tolerate racism, especially around my children. I would also tell her she was being rude. Stand up to her. Who cares if she moans to SIL?

MikeRafone · 06/02/2025 12:20

Make a bingo card with all her racism and vile politics comments

cross out as and when she says them

leave lying around for her to see…

DemonicCaveMaggot · 06/02/2025 12:19

If she gives you the silent treatment because you call her out on her racism, just carry on as if she isn't, if she chooses not to answer you when you ask her what she wants for lunch that's her look out when you serve something she doesn't like. If she is silent, she can't complain, at least not to you. My mother used to sulk at me if we'd had an infrequent argument. I just carried on as if she wasn't and she soon stopped it. My mother was a sensible woman though so your experience may vary.

Ignore SIL or put her on mute, or block if she's really unpleasant. If she's aggravating to you she can communicate with the family via your DH.

I agree with the previous suggestion of not leaving your children alone around her.

TitusMoan · 06/02/2025 12:19

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

Vote Reform if you like, but you’re getting in bed with a bunch of racists who’d deport your Asian friends to a country they weren’t even born in in a heartbeat.

DaisyChain505 · 06/02/2025 12:17

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 12:10

I really don’t have a DH problem.

She has an appointment this afternoon she had to be in London for. He is off work tomorrow and has been calling her out. He would have been off today but there was a client meeting he couldn’t get out of so has had to go in.

Show quote history

Well if she’s that bad and your husband has witnessed it himself he shouldn’t be expecting you to be left alone with her and should be telling her she’s no longer welcome to stay at your house due to her shitty behaviour.

ttcat37 · 06/02/2025 12:16

She sounds vile. Perfectly acceptable to leave your DH to it. I wouldn’t be leaving my kids anywhere near her though and wouldn’t want her having any contact with them to be honest with opinions like that.

HappyBirlingDay · 06/02/2025 12:15

I’m genuinely impressed that you haven’t throttled her yet.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2025 12:14

No no no no no.

You presumably already knew she was awful.

So why not say 'no' when this was suggested. 'Absolutely not dh, your mother is racist and deeply unpleasant and I will not host her. You are welcome to.'

Im guessing you're a people pleaser and want to be nice to everyone, but that actually isn't a strategy that works in the end.

You might have to suck this one up this weekend, though I'd go out alone as much of it as I could and leave all the hostess by and cooking to her son.