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MIL doing my head in - constantly complaining and racist remarks

109 replies

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:26

MIL arrived at 5pm last night and is due to stay until Sunday at 2pm. However she has already made me consider putting my head in the oven or running away totally.

I have 2 daughters, 4 and 6 months, I’m on maternity leave so get the joy of hosting MIL all day while my lovely DH works.

Lets list the issues so far

  • We had Mexican food for dinner, she complained that it was just fajitas and nachos and felt that tacos and other fillings (we had the same chicken on both the nachos and fajitas, she wanted some sort of other meat filling too) should have been offered and mentioned several times she was disappointed
  • Since she last stayed we have swapped the rooms around, now both DDs share the larger room and the guest room is the smallest one. It has a double bed (against a wall), a chest of drawers and a wardrobe so plenty for a short stay, but no no she complained as it’s too small for her and it doesn’t get light in the morning as it’s north facing.
  • This morning she complained that we were having a cold breakfast, I said there was food in the fridge if she wanted to make more but she said guests shouldn’t have to cook
  • Complained DD (4) was eating in her pyjamas. We always do DDs breakfast in pyjamas as I don’t feel like having to change her after she gets weetabix and jam all over her uniform before school
  • MIL did the school run with us, got out the car and we were a bit early so DD ran over to her friend who was playing in the little bit of playground that’s open at the start of the day. I waved to her dad and my MIL whispered “gosh he looks like one of those Hamas” - he is Jordanian. I immediately said that was inappropriate. Her dad is actually also my DHs boss (massive coincidence since we live in London and not even very close to each other that our girls are at the same school).
  • In the car back she complained non stop, as he has there with his 2 daughters (one DDs age and a toddler), his wife gave birth just a week ago so dad is on school run duty. My MIL that “he looked like a hamas member” and his children look nothing like him (his wife is British, the children are fairly light skinned and have light brown hair). She has since complained to my SIL loudly on the phone that a “man who looks like he could be in Hamas, was hanging around outside DDs school and that is odd as it’s an all girls school. He’s not hanging around - he’s dropping his child off!! I have corrected her and pointed this out and she said “she just doesn’t know she has a weird feeling about him”. He is literally DHs boss and the dad of DDs best friend, we know the family really well and they are all lovely.

For context MIL is divorced and doesn’t have much of a social life, short of her calls to her children which are spent complaining. She lives in a small village and while there isn’t as much diversity as in London, there are people from all sorts of backgrounds - she just acts like she is blind to them or spews Islamophobic hate (she’s a big reform supporter).

AIBU to be thinking I can’t do a full weekend of this and to tell DH I’m booking a spa hotel and he and the children can have a lovely weekend with his mum without me!

OP posts:
ThighsYouCantControl · 06/02/2025 14:04

I would be telling my husband to either send his mother packing back to the arse hole of the daily mail or do the spa hotel idea. I also would be telling him that his mother is not staying again unless he is around the entire time to deal with her. And you both need to read her the riot act about her racism in front of your children. I might be able to ignore the constant whingeing at a push but not racism and certainly not in front of children who are impressionable and won’t know at such a young age how wrong it is.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/02/2025 14:03

Also, tell your DH what she said about his boss asap - had his boss heard what his mum said, it could have meant massive issues for him at work.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 06/02/2025 14:01

Dear God I’m surprised you haven’t pushed her off a cliff.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/02/2025 14:00

Definitely take yourself out of the equation this weekend. Fuck that.

And make clear to your DH that it is the last time you’ll be “in charge” of looking after her while he’s work. No more.

stayathomer · 06/02/2025 13:58

The racist thing is awful but are you sure you’re not just on edge and thinking she’s complaining eg I was thinking we’d have a fry this morning and you said we’ll make it yourself so she made the guest comment? Or she commented on your child having pjs on for breakfast and you jumped on it? Or she said about the room facing that way but you saw it as a complaint? It’s always tough having relatives over and I’d be the same as you but everyone saying she’s awful etc etc - there are three sides to every story

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 06/02/2025 13:55

She sounds horrendous, my mil made a racist comment in front of me years ago at a bbq we were hosting and I very loudly told her to not ever speak like that in my house or around my children again or she'd no longer be welcome in there lives. She has never done it again. As for the rest of it I'd stop hosting her for days at a time or tell your husband to take time off work so he can deal with it.
100% agree that you should take yourself off to the spa.

Onlycoffee · 06/02/2025 13:48

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

When you say illegal immigrants, do you mean asylum seekers? Or immigrants?

I suppose you could mean illegal immigrants but they are much smaller in number than either asylum seekers and legal immigrants.

LondonLawyer · 06/02/2025 13:47

Sounds horrible in every possible way, OP, sympathies!

LondonLawyer · 06/02/2025 13:47

itsnotagameshow · 06/02/2025 11:59

This is satire, right? For one thing, if someone is deemed to be an illegal immigrant (so having had their case heard as an asylum seeker and not accepted), then there is no way they would be housed.

Um - Schedule 10, s.4, s.95 and Modern Slavery Victim Care Contract accommodation would all like a word. Standard social housing - no. Housing for illegal migrants - yes. Not universal, not for all failed asylum seekers, but absolutely does exist.

Heronwatcher · 06/02/2025 13:43

Why can’t you ask her to leave? It’s your house too?

Most of the time I think people are OTT about MILs here but the racism is unbelievably awful. The first time she did it I’d have had strong words. The second time I would have asked her to leave. You do realise she’ll say something in front of the kids tonight deliberately? Imagine if they go to school tomorrow and tell kids that their granny thinks that x’s dad is in Hamas? They and you will be in no end of trouble, plus do you really want them thinking that this is acceptable?

pikkumyy77 · 06/02/2025 13:42

itsnotagameshow · 06/02/2025 11:59

This is satire, right? For one thing, if someone is deemed to be an illegal immigrant (so having had their case heard as an asylum seeker and not accepted), then there is no way they would be housed.

No its probably not a joke. Logic like this is how all the “I’m not a racist/pro rapist/xenophobic/anti LGBTQ people managed to vote for Trump without noticing he just offered them their preferred bigotry in order to loot the country and destroy the functioning state and also install rapists and segregationists into top positions. Its how the “I voted for the leopard eating faces party” people end up wailing “I never thought the leopard would eat my face.”

Loveumagenta · 06/02/2025 13:39

I would - there’s no way I could listen to that racist shite all day long. Either I’d be off or she’d be leaving.
It sounds like the perfect chance for your DH to spend quality time with his mother.
In a serious note - your DH needs to speak to his mother about speaking like that in front of the children. They shouldn’t have to listen to her racist bullshit.

cannynotsay · 06/02/2025 13:39

Get her the hell out of your house! She's horrific what she's saying about DD best friend and your DH boss, draw the line here now. She needs to have her actions accounted for! Also she needs educating badly. What a horrid women, I wouldn't even have her around my children. Regardless of who she was!

krustykittens · 06/02/2025 13:37

GCAcademic · 06/02/2025 11:38

I would tell her that you'll help her find a hotel today for the rest of the stay since she is so unhappy with the food and accommodation at your house.

This! I threatened my own mother with this, who sounds VERY similar to your MIL. It worked but only for a little while.

HangingOver · 06/02/2025 13:36

My DF can be a bit like this. I highly recommend absolutely losing your shit.

Nikki75 · 06/02/2025 13:35

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/02/2025 11:28

I'd do exactly that. Seriously.

Me too.. I could not put up with that .. and would hate to be that mil !!

Doloresparton · 06/02/2025 13:32

AlexP24 · 06/02/2025 13:28

I don't believe this happened. I call bullshit. I live in East London and have relatives who come and stay from leafy villages. I have never heard anyone say repeatedly that someone 'looks like a Hamas member'. They would be more likely to say 'Bloody hell, it's like being in a foreign country round here'. But what you write simply doesn't ring true. I think you are a spy from Labour, sent to make allegations about Reform members....surely looking like a Hamas terrorist would entail dressing in a balaclava and a green headband anyway?

You think terrorists and bank robbers wear balaclavas on the school run. 😆

PennyApril54 · 06/02/2025 13:32

There's also a very mischievous side of me that would invite your DH's boss and family round for dinner tonight 🤣🤣🤣

Nikki75 · 06/02/2025 13:30

Absolutely tell your husband you are spending the weekend alone and that mil is impossible.. dont just suck it up !!
How dare she make comments like that id be embarrassed and guests help at home when you have a 4 yr old and a baby you are not there to wait on her.
Pack your weekend bag and enjoy yourself x

godmum56 · 06/02/2025 13:30

I absolutely agree with all the comments made about how nasty and racist she is and not wanting her around your children, but pragmatically also (someone has already made a passing remark sorry can't find the post now) your DH has to be told in order to realise how much she is putting his job at risk....and if he is in certain industries, any future jobs too.

PennyApril54 · 06/02/2025 13:30

AlexP24 · 06/02/2025 13:28

I don't believe this happened. I call bullshit. I live in East London and have relatives who come and stay from leafy villages. I have never heard anyone say repeatedly that someone 'looks like a Hamas member'. They would be more likely to say 'Bloody hell, it's like being in a foreign country round here'. But what you write simply doesn't ring true. I think you are a spy from Labour, sent to make allegations about Reform members....surely looking like a Hamas terrorist would entail dressing in a balaclava and a green headband anyway?

No. It is quite believable, I can think of a few people I have the misfortune of dealing with who would say this exact thing.

PennyApril54 · 06/02/2025 13:29

OMG you need to put up with this nonsense until Sunday, what a nightmare. I assume your husband is off Sat and Sun. I think you've just remembered you have a hair appt/ friend's lunch date/ your climbing Everest/ fighting giant snakes on Saturday morning and will be gone from early until dinner time.
Next time don't agree to her coming for a few days 🙈🙈🙈🙈 I feel your pain ❤️

AlexP24 · 06/02/2025 13:28

I don't believe this happened. I call bullshit. I live in East London and have relatives who come and stay from leafy villages. I have never heard anyone say repeatedly that someone 'looks like a Hamas member'. They would be more likely to say 'Bloody hell, it's like being in a foreign country round here'. But what you write simply doesn't ring true. I think you are a spy from Labour, sent to make allegations about Reform members....surely looking like a Hamas terrorist would entail dressing in a balaclava and a green headband anyway?

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 13:22

Please be very clear to your DH when he gets home that whenever his mother is due to visit, you're taking off and why.
How the fuck dare she racially profile someone and say that they look like someone from Hamas. How dare she!!! I would have responded that since the bedroom was too small for her and that she clearly has issues feeling safe around your area now that she would be better off at home. When you'd get back from the school run, go up with her to help her to pack and tell her that you'll drop her back to the bus/train station as soon as she's ready. You will of course make excuses to her son for her and explain why she felt that she couldn't stay any longer.

What an absolute witch of a woman!!!

Renamed · 06/02/2025 13:17

You don’t have to have a massive racist in your house. Or your car. Tell her to get out and walk, and tell anyone she complains to it’s because she’s a massive racist.