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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL doing my head in - constantly complaining and racist remarks

109 replies

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:26

MIL arrived at 5pm last night and is due to stay until Sunday at 2pm. However she has already made me consider putting my head in the oven or running away totally.

I have 2 daughters, 4 and 6 months, I’m on maternity leave so get the joy of hosting MIL all day while my lovely DH works.

Lets list the issues so far

  • We had Mexican food for dinner, she complained that it was just fajitas and nachos and felt that tacos and other fillings (we had the same chicken on both the nachos and fajitas, she wanted some sort of other meat filling too) should have been offered and mentioned several times she was disappointed
  • Since she last stayed we have swapped the rooms around, now both DDs share the larger room and the guest room is the smallest one. It has a double bed (against a wall), a chest of drawers and a wardrobe so plenty for a short stay, but no no she complained as it’s too small for her and it doesn’t get light in the morning as it’s north facing.
  • This morning she complained that we were having a cold breakfast, I said there was food in the fridge if she wanted to make more but she said guests shouldn’t have to cook
  • Complained DD (4) was eating in her pyjamas. We always do DDs breakfast in pyjamas as I don’t feel like having to change her after she gets weetabix and jam all over her uniform before school
  • MIL did the school run with us, got out the car and we were a bit early so DD ran over to her friend who was playing in the little bit of playground that’s open at the start of the day. I waved to her dad and my MIL whispered “gosh he looks like one of those Hamas” - he is Jordanian. I immediately said that was inappropriate. Her dad is actually also my DHs boss (massive coincidence since we live in London and not even very close to each other that our girls are at the same school).
  • In the car back she complained non stop, as he has there with his 2 daughters (one DDs age and a toddler), his wife gave birth just a week ago so dad is on school run duty. My MIL that “he looked like a hamas member” and his children look nothing like him (his wife is British, the children are fairly light skinned and have light brown hair). She has since complained to my SIL loudly on the phone that a “man who looks like he could be in Hamas, was hanging around outside DDs school and that is odd as it’s an all girls school. He’s not hanging around - he’s dropping his child off!! I have corrected her and pointed this out and she said “she just doesn’t know she has a weird feeling about him”. He is literally DHs boss and the dad of DDs best friend, we know the family really well and they are all lovely.

For context MIL is divorced and doesn’t have much of a social life, short of her calls to her children which are spent complaining. She lives in a small village and while there isn’t as much diversity as in London, there are people from all sorts of backgrounds - she just acts like she is blind to them or spews Islamophobic hate (she’s a big reform supporter).

AIBU to be thinking I can’t do a full weekend of this and to tell DH I’m booking a spa hotel and he and the children can have a lovely weekend with his mum without me!

OP posts:
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Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 06/02/2025 22:32

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 21:33

She decided to go home instead … DH says she went in a mood when he suggested a hotel and said if you don’t want me to stay I’ll go home, he said okay then :)

Can’t say we are overly devastated!

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That is a good result. You can relax and enjoy an unexpectedly good weekend.

cannynotsay · 06/02/2025 22:03

So impressed with how this has been handled!!! Great parenting here

MarioLink · 06/02/2025 22:00

Give your kids a room each and get rid of the guest room - partly solved our MIL issue.

RandomMess · 06/02/2025 21:45

Love your DH 😂

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 21:44

@Spooniey - Result!!!

And it didn’t end up costing you a penny!!

Original poster
Spooniey · 06/02/2025 21:33

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 06/02/2025 21:31

Did you manage to move her out to a hotel?

She decided to go home instead … DH says she went in a mood when he suggested a hotel and said if you don’t want me to stay I’ll go home, he said okay then :)

Can’t say we are overly devastated!

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 06/02/2025 21:31

Did you manage to move her out to a hotel?

immigrant101 · 06/02/2025 15:19

How does someone look like hamas Exactly 🤣? Was he covering his face in a red and white cloth ! I would call her out on it tbh

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 15:09

I'd actually tell her that she needs to book herself in to a hotel as you're not paying for someone so bigoted and racist to stay in any hotels. Why should you?

Don't be the ones caught on the hook for paying for her stay. She is vile and has such a parochial view of her world that it is seriously damaging to be around.

Also if you pay this time, she may come to expect it every time so best start as you mean to go on by getting her to pay for her hotel stay!

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 06/02/2025 15:05

Seriously, get yoyr husband to come home early on Friday and you head off. You need to get him to tell her she can't stay in future unless she mends her ways by x, y and z.

Heronwatcher · 06/02/2025 14:54

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 14:32

She’s gone to her appointment and I called DH on his lunch break. He has said if she is really bothering me (and she is bothering him already) then he will book her into a hotel, frame it as a treat for her and tell her that in the future we won’t be hosting her overnight as no one seems to enjoy it.

What about the not so casual racism in front of children? That’s not going to solve itself if no one talks seriously to her about it?

Nikki75 · 06/02/2025 14:36

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 14:32

She’s gone to her appointment and I called DH on his lunch break. He has said if she is really bothering me (and she is bothering him already) then he will book her into a hotel, frame it as a treat for her and tell her that in the future we won’t be hosting her overnight as no one seems to enjoy it.

This sounds like a plan your DH is a star ..he obviously doesn't want you to leave the home why should you have too.
Hope your weekend works out much nicer sigh of relief 😂

Original poster
Spooniey · 06/02/2025 14:32

She’s gone to her appointment and I called DH on his lunch break. He has said if she is really bothering me (and she is bothering him already) then he will book her into a hotel, frame it as a treat for her and tell her that in the future we won’t be hosting her overnight as no one seems to enjoy it.

OP posts:
YourHappyJadeEagle · 06/02/2025 14:31

She sounds vile. And you definitely don’t want your dd repeating what granny said.
I’m old, widowed, live in a village and I’ve got a teeny tiny social life but none of that makes me ( or anyone else) a racist. I’m afraid she’s just a nasty human being. I wouldn’t host her ever again.

SallyWD · 06/02/2025 14:27

She's awful! I'm often on the side of MILs on these threads but not in this case. What's with all these Hamas comments. She is extremely racist. I find her comments very offensive.

PickAChew · 06/02/2025 14:27

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:38

Silent treatment, calling SIL to complain who would back her up, defensiveness once the silent treatment ended and ultimately ensuring she was the victim when she told anyone who would listen, I suspect she is narcissistic.

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Then you bask in the silence. She sounds insufferable.

Blueberrymuffin8 · 06/02/2025 14:26

Did your husband lumber you with her? Thought you said he is 'lovely'?

godmum56 · 06/02/2025 14:25

stayathomer · 06/02/2025 13:58

The racist thing is awful but are you sure you’re not just on edge and thinking she’s complaining eg I was thinking we’d have a fry this morning and you said we’ll make it yourself so she made the guest comment? Or she commented on your child having pjs on for breakfast and you jumped on it? Or she said about the room facing that way but you saw it as a complaint? It’s always tough having relatives over and I’d be the same as you but everyone saying she’s awful etc etc - there are three sides to every story

you are giving me the painful eyerolls

TwigletsAndRadishes · 06/02/2025 14:25

Your MIL is rude, racist and stupid.

(I am also a person who is seriously considering voting Reform.)

Lampzade · 06/02/2025 14:23

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/02/2025 14:03

Also, tell your DH what she said about his boss asap - had his boss heard what his mum said, it could have meant massive issues for him at work.

Also , if the mother in law is spouting racist nonsense around OP’s daughter ,there is a risk that OP’s daughter will tell her friend who may then tell her father ( who is your dh’s boss.)Could put your dh’s job at risk
I honestly couldn’t bear to have this kind of woman in my home . I abhor racists

Loveumagenta · 06/02/2025 14:22

kellygoeswest · 06/02/2025 14:07

My nan lived in London most of her life (she came over from rural Ireland in her teens) and she was exactly like OP's MIL. I won't share some of the language she used to refer to her neighbours and people in the local community, but it was awful. She was racist and hateful until the very end.

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I could tell you some of the things my non-white friends have had said to them if you think this story is far fetched. Unfortunately casual racism both behind their backs and to their faces is common.
I once had to intervene on holiday when the woman selling tickets to something refused to let one of the children buy a child’s ticket and insisted that ‘ these people’ try this on all the time, and the child was clearly an adult.
The kid was 11, and looked 11, and the other 3 white kids - my 2 included- had all bought theirs without any fuss despite being older.
When I told her mum later what had happened she shrugged and said that kind of thing was commonplace for them. They’re English.
I’m not, my kids aren’t but all that one saw at that moment was the colour of the girls skin and decided she was ‘these people’.

Lampzade · 06/02/2025 14:17

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 06/02/2025 12:13

I cannot be racist, I have black/Asian/Chinese/mongolian friends... trope
One can be even married to 'not one of our people' and still not want 'others' in this country. Then there are politicians whose policy and views would mean their own parents/family would not be accepted here, yet there they are, having had the benefits of being born here, wanting to exclude people

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This

Bytheclock · 06/02/2025 14:15

Complaining about perceived slights; smaller room, food not to her liking, is one thing; blatant racism is toxic and very damaging to be around and be obliged to listen to, but especially toxic to have your DC around this woman.

You'll have to do a lot of damage control while, or after this woman leaves, to explain to your DCs that she is not well in the head and not to take notice of what she says. Of course by now, you must have let your DH know what his mother has said about his employer and your DCs friend?

pikkumyy77 · 06/02/2025 14:15

I would tell her to leave. The statements about your dh’s boss could be extremely damaging.

kellygoeswest · 06/02/2025 14:07

AlexP24 · 06/02/2025 13:28

I don't believe this happened. I call bullshit. I live in East London and have relatives who come and stay from leafy villages. I have never heard anyone say repeatedly that someone 'looks like a Hamas member'. They would be more likely to say 'Bloody hell, it's like being in a foreign country round here'. But what you write simply doesn't ring true. I think you are a spy from Labour, sent to make allegations about Reform members....surely looking like a Hamas terrorist would entail dressing in a balaclava and a green headband anyway?

My nan lived in London most of her life (she came over from rural Ireland in her teens) and she was exactly like OP's MIL. I won't share some of the language she used to refer to her neighbours and people in the local community, but it was awful. She was racist and hateful until the very end.