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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be really upset about this?

43 replies

annaisstrong · 06/02/2025 11:25

I have just ended my marriage after 25 years. Dh is a social drinker so likes to drink heavily at weekends with his friends and during the week he will have a few beers with his friends, his life has evolved around beer and his friends as long as I've known him.
We have children and I had hoped he would drop drinking with his friends all weekend and opt for more of a family life once the children were born but no.
After many years of his excessive drinking and near breakups because of it I finally had enough and have asked for a divorce.
He has met someone else now and started going to the gym together, lost loads of weight and he has also given up drinking beer because apparently this new girlfriend doesn't drink so now he is living exactly the active life I wanted with him but with her and her children.

He still lives in the family home at the moment so I see him every day, he's happy, active and sober exactly what I wanted.
Aibu to feel sad that I left a man I loved because he wouldn't change but now we've separated he's changed and living the life I wanted with him?

OP posts:
Rosalina2025 · 06/02/2025 12:21

ForRealCat · 06/02/2025 12:10

I think you a right to be upset and find it hurtful. I would focus on getting him to move out and look at ways you can move on yourself.

What I don't like about this thread is women almost willing him to fail in order to try and make you feel better. "He's a life long alcohol dependent. There's no way he can just switch it off and turn sober forever" and "I agree with other posters that it probably won't last." People regularly give up alcohol, and manage to do so successfully. The break-up might have been the wake-up call he needed, he may have been unhappy for a long time and been using drink to cope, he may have just got stuck in a rut.

You focus on you, but I am deeply uncomfortable with the comments here assuming he'll fail, this attitude is prevalent in society and deeply unhelpful.

Actually, I was one of those posters and I shouldn't have put that. I didn't want to hurt the OP's feelings but he may have been unhappy. It's sad that he didn't deal with it better though.

I hope he does keep staying healthier for his children.

A relative of mine's Husband was the same and he became Mr Perfect with his new partner. I did feel sorry for his children when he started playing happy families with his new partner's children though. He wasn't around much with his children even though he was married to their Mum.

My relative did go on to meet someone who she adores and they are much better suited. Her ex is still with his new partner and seem very happy.

Original poster
annaisstrong · 06/02/2025 12:20

ForRealCat · 06/02/2025 12:10

I think you a right to be upset and find it hurtful. I would focus on getting him to move out and look at ways you can move on yourself.

What I don't like about this thread is women almost willing him to fail in order to try and make you feel better. "He's a life long alcohol dependent. There's no way he can just switch it off and turn sober forever" and "I agree with other posters that it probably won't last." People regularly give up alcohol, and manage to do so successfully. The break-up might have been the wake-up call he needed, he may have been unhappy for a long time and been using drink to cope, he may have just got stuck in a rut.

You focus on you, but I am deeply uncomfortable with the comments here assuming he'll fail, this attitude is prevalent in society and deeply unhelpful.

I hope for the children he can change his ways but I don't think he'd describe himself as an alcoholic as in his mind he does what his friends do and their partners don't mind.
However he's met someone who lives a different lifestyle and is adapting to a new life so I've no reason to doubt that he could change but wasn't prepared to for his family.
I don't think he's craving drink as it was habit and lifestyle.
It's just sad that he's enjoying a lifestyle that I wanted us to have while we were married.

OP posts:
Butterfly123456 · 06/02/2025 12:18

They don't even live together yet, so it probably won't last. They are in a dating phase. You've done the right decision, don't fret over it.

Darker · 06/02/2025 12:16

ForRealCat · 06/02/2025 12:10

I think you a right to be upset and find it hurtful. I would focus on getting him to move out and look at ways you can move on yourself.

What I don't like about this thread is women almost willing him to fail in order to try and make you feel better. "He's a life long alcohol dependent. There's no way he can just switch it off and turn sober forever" and "I agree with other posters that it probably won't last." People regularly give up alcohol, and manage to do so successfully. The break-up might have been the wake-up call he needed, he may have been unhappy for a long time and been using drink to cope, he may have just got stuck in a rut.

You focus on you, but I am deeply uncomfortable with the comments here assuming he'll fail, this attitude is prevalent in society and deeply unhelpful.

I agree. If he does sort himself out it’s a good thing for the children and everyone, one way or another. Alcohol is a bastard.

Theunamedcat · 06/02/2025 12:16

You and the children weren't enough for him to do this being alone wasn't enfor him to do this his girlfriend will be his crutch unless they split up or he gets comfortable basically he is at a high chance of relapse (lots of alcohol dependent people in my family so I have seen it a lot)

Get your house in order and move on with the divorce and living separately as soon as you can because if he crashes your going to be stuck with it

Original poster
annaisstrong · 06/02/2025 12:12

I know deep down you're all right, still needed to hear it though, I was starting to think I've made a big mistake but I don't think he'd ever have done it for me or his children.

OP posts:
ForRealCat · 06/02/2025 12:10

I think you a right to be upset and find it hurtful. I would focus on getting him to move out and look at ways you can move on yourself.

What I don't like about this thread is women almost willing him to fail in order to try and make you feel better. "He's a life long alcohol dependent. There's no way he can just switch it off and turn sober forever" and "I agree with other posters that it probably won't last." People regularly give up alcohol, and manage to do so successfully. The break-up might have been the wake-up call he needed, he may have been unhappy for a long time and been using drink to cope, he may have just got stuck in a rut.

You focus on you, but I am deeply uncomfortable with the comments here assuming he'll fail, this attitude is prevalent in society and deeply unhelpful.

Redmat · 06/02/2025 12:07

Have you pointed the irony out to him?

KhakiOrca · 06/02/2025 12:05

Are you sure he isn't actually doing this for you? And the divorce has given him the kick up the arse he needed?

Darker · 06/02/2025 12:02

If he’s still in the family house - presumably with you - his changes are still pretty superficial. I hope for your sake you can live separately soon.

BobbyBiscuits · 06/02/2025 11:59

He's a life long alcohol dependent. There's no way he can just switch it off and turn sober forever. He's doing it to impress his new gf and probably to spite you.

Can't you tell him to leave the house? I bet he'll be back on it within a few months. So you haven't lost out on the new perfect improved version of him. It won't last.

Just focus on your own needs, spend time with friends and hobbies and know you're best off without him.

Floralnomad · 06/02/2025 11:55

He will eventually revert to to type , he’s just getting her hooked . Seriously @annaisstrong you have absolutely done the right thing .

MounjaroOnMyMind · 06/02/2025 11:53

That would infuriate me! How quickly can you get him to leave the house? I agree he won't keep it up, though.

Rosalina2025 · 06/02/2025 11:45

I agree with other posters that it probably won't last.

How old are your children? It must be hard for them too if he is playing happy families with his new partners children. Is he seeing his children regulary?

TheAzureSwan · 06/02/2025 11:43

Alcoholics never change until they make up their mind that's what they want to do. No amount of other people asking them to will ever work.
He probably has given up his drinking and boozing buddies for the time being. But how long it will last is anybodies guess. Possibly until the novelty of his new gf wears off. She won't have realised yet she is taking on an alcoholic
You are well rid of him. You and your children deserve better.

Gemmawemma9 · 06/02/2025 11:38

Oh op. This must be awful for you.
Rest assured, it won’t last.

Dotjones · 06/02/2025 11:36

I don't think it will help to dwell on it. He obviously needed a big shock like the end of a 25 year marriage to realise he needs to change. He wouldn't have changed without the divorce. Try to remember him as the man he was, not the one he is now. You divorced him because of who he was, it was the right decision. It's actually good that he has learnt his lesson and hasn't just continued with his lifestyle, a lot of men would just use their new "freedom" to continue their self-destructive behaviour.

thismummydrinksgin · 06/02/2025 11:26

Yes, you have every right to feel gutted. Suspect his mask will slip with the new girfriend though and he won't be able to resist slipping back to old ways.