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Original poster

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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8
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/02/2025 12:28

@RainbowStriped - you are being so brave and strong about this - I just wish I could come and give you the biggest hug.

Your new house will become a home because it will have you and your children in it, and all the love you bring with you.

Can you contact your son's school, and say that you are having to move, and ask if there is anything they can do to help with transport to school for your son? You can make it absolutely clear that you are being forced to move, due to the emotional abuse in your marriage - that might help.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/02/2025 12:25

RainbowStriped · 14/02/2025 21:36

Thank you everyone. I just wish I wasn’t so scared. I know I’m lucky to be offered a council house (so quickly too) but I now feel deep sadness that I’m going to have to leave my home. I’ve been crying on and off tonight. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 😢

You are going through phases of mourning, to a degree.
You clearly had ideas of getting married, having kids and living a long and happy life with your kids and all of the memories that would come along with that.

You are realising that the above isn't going to be your life any more so you are mourning that loss.

Perfectly normal thing to do.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 15/02/2025 10:50

You’ve been through a lot of trauma and the path ahead is totally scary and unknown it would be surprising if you weren’t upset

snowsjoke · 15/02/2025 09:37

I wonder if the OP is thinking about what might happen to the children if she leaves. He sounds spiteful enough to go for 50% custody and then they are at his mercy alone. Also if the police haven't been involved up to now, would she have a strong enough case to deny this and ask for supervised contact only? Hopefully a solicitor can put your mind at rest regarding these issues OP. You need to document the abuse with the solicitor.

Heronwatcher · 15/02/2025 09:20

RainbowStriped · 15/02/2025 07:09

Our current house is a housing association property - he would be able to afford it on his own. Comparing this house to what I’ve been offered is hard as we are in a lovely new build that was brand new when we moved into it - it’s walking distance to my sons comp. It’s a perfect little house compared with what I’ve been offered. I can’t help feeling like I’m making a terrible mistake especially given how far it is away from my sons school (9 miles away)

15 minute walk to the bus stop then 35 minutes to his school on the bus. Ideally I would be closer to his comp.

I know people divorce all the time but I really don’t know how they do it. I feel like my heart is breaking at leaving my home and community 😢

Show quote history

Thing is though, based on his behaviour I just don’t see any chance of him leaving the house you’re in. He’s petty, selfish and self-pitying. If he did move out it would be temporary and you’d never hear the end of it. He’d be constantly coming and going, calling it his house and either trying to sabotage you or the kids moving on or trying to wheedle his way back in. So that idea just seems like a non starter.

The choice you have is whether to stay there with him or move somewhere else.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 15/02/2025 07:09

OnYerselfHen · 14/02/2025 23:41

Will he get to stay in the house though? Would he be able to afford it on his own?

I think you need to leave. It is safer for both you and your DC. The new house will be lovely and cosy in time and it will be all yours! I understand you are trying to find reasons to stay - it's a massive step and a scary one at that but you can do this. You are setting a very good example to your kids, that no one is allowed to treat you this way.

Good luck OP!

Show quote history

Our current house is a housing association property - he would be able to afford it on his own. Comparing this house to what I’ve been offered is hard as we are in a lovely new build that was brand new when we moved into it - it’s walking distance to my sons comp. It’s a perfect little house compared with what I’ve been offered. I can’t help feeling like I’m making a terrible mistake especially given how far it is away from my sons school (9 miles away)

15 minute walk to the bus stop then 35 minutes to his school on the bus. Ideally I would be closer to his comp.

I know people divorce all the time but I really don’t know how they do it. I feel like my heart is breaking at leaving my home and community 😢

OP posts:
OnYerselfHen · 14/02/2025 23:41

RainbowStriped · 14/02/2025 21:44

I was excited before and hopeful but now it feels so real. DH can tell something is up with me tonight, he doesn’t know yet. I suffer from depression in the lead up to my period, I know I’m not thinking straight at the moment. It also feels unfair that I’m the one going and starting again and DH gets to stay in our house. I still doubt if I would have been better off staying in my house and trying to get DH to move out instead. Sorry - rambling post 😢

Will he get to stay in the house though? Would he be able to afford it on his own?

I think you need to leave. It is safer for both you and your DC. The new house will be lovely and cosy in time and it will be all yours! I understand you are trying to find reasons to stay - it's a massive step and a scary one at that but you can do this. You are setting a very good example to your kids, that no one is allowed to treat you this way.

Good luck OP!

Shoemadlady · 14/02/2025 23:09

If he's this way about father day and his birthday because if his own dad then he should be more mindful about his own behaviour and try and be grateful for what sound like a loving and VERY accepting family. If he keeps this shit up, he may find himself without one. I don't know how you could stand to be with him to be honest

Shoemadlady · 14/02/2025 23:07

How can you stay married to him? He's pathetic! Sounds like your kids secretly think he's a dick too, I'd run for the hills. Life doesn't have to be this way x

TangerinePlate · 14/02/2025 22:37

OP, you are given a chance and don’t waste it.
House can be done up and adapted,there’s some grants to have it done especially if your child is disabled.
Friends and family are usually more than happy to help (in healthy relationships).

You’re scared because it’s a pivotal change in your life. Don’t be afraid of change,embrace it.

I was you just over a year ago. I walked away (leaving H in family home)into temporary accommodation with 2 kids,one severely autistic.Now we’re in lovely HA house and both kids adapted pretty well.

You loved the idea of starting again- it’s still a great idea but sometimes our fears take over- better the devil you know and ripping the kids out of their family home and familiar surroundings into something that is not better to start with,not to mention “breaking the family”,yada,yada…

We started with mattresses on the floor. That’s how freedom starts. We were given/bought cheaply on fb white goods and furniture.

Freedom is peace and not tiptoeing around somebody’s moods,not having door shut in my face,not being on tenterhooks all time. Freedom is not picking up after another person,not being sabotaged and the other EA stuff.

Take the house if you’re offered as long as transport links are good enough to get you to school/work.

Good luck💐

FriendsDrinkBook · 14/02/2025 22:19

I felt just as you do about it being unfair. I was verbally , financially and emotionally abused by exh all those years ago so why should I have moved out? Looking back though, I'm glad I moved from what was our home because I've got something better now and you will too. A blank canvas is a very good thing.

FriendsDrinkBook · 14/02/2025 22:16

@RainbowStriped don't be so hard on yourself op. Starting again takes so much energy and it's bloody scary. It'll be worth every effort though. Take it one step at a time and you'll soon have a lovely safe home that's just for you and your children.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 14/02/2025 21:47

I really loved the idea of starting again, somewhere that’s mine - I don’t know why I’m feeling this way,

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowStriped · 14/02/2025 21:44

I was excited before and hopeful but now it feels so real. DH can tell something is up with me tonight, he doesn’t know yet. I suffer from depression in the lead up to my period, I know I’m not thinking straight at the moment. It also feels unfair that I’m the one going and starting again and DH gets to stay in our house. I still doubt if I would have been better off staying in my house and trying to get DH to move out instead. Sorry - rambling post 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowStriped · 14/02/2025 21:36

Thank you everyone. I just wish I wasn’t so scared. I know I’m lucky to be offered a council house (so quickly too) but I now feel deep sadness that I’m going to have to leave my home. I’ve been crying on and off tonight. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 😢

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 14/02/2025 17:36

Take the house. You’ve heard of a guilded cage yea? I’d rather have a calm peaceful house that needs a bit of work than live with an utter arsehole like your DH, as I am sure would your kids.

Plus everything you’ve described sounds manageable apart from the area, and you don’t have to live there forever.

FriendsDrinkBook · 14/02/2025 16:59

That's great news op. Please take the house. I get that it's overwhelming , but this is your fresh start.

I moved from a 'nice' area to somewhere considered a little rough in order to remove me and my kids from exh. I've never regretted it. I'm still here 15 years later.

Semiramide · 14/02/2025 16:20

Take the house.

For all the reasons stated by PPs.

The area may seem rough because it is unfamiliar and because it is so different from where you are now, but it is unlikely to be as bad as you fear. Been there, done that.

And you and your children will be SAFE. That's the main thing, surely.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2025 16:13

@RainbowStriped

Take the house. Houses can be painted, furnishings can be replaced. But even 'as is' it will be a happy and calm home from the start. Your current home could be Buck Palace but it is not now and never will be a happy or a calm home. And just because you take this house now, that doesn't mean it's your forever home. But it's a secure and affordable roof over your and your DC's heads whilst you catch your breath and rebuild your life. Once you do that, you can start looking around if you still want to.

I know you're scared, and that's most likely what's driving your decision-making process. But sometimes we just have to take that leap of faith. And in the end we are usually so glad we did.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/02/2025 13:52

Ring the council right away and ask how they can adapt it for your son.
What do your family think?
Could you stay with them whilst the heating etc is sorted out?
Would they help you with moving?
This sounds like an opportunity for you.

Codlingmoths · 14/02/2025 13:47

TAKE THE HOUSE!!

Nationsss · 14/02/2025 13:47

Tell you family and friends and ask for help.

Take the house.
Be safe.
Get away from him.

Witknit · 14/02/2025 13:18

I'd take it. Having been in a similar situation for years, I came to the point where I'd have preferred a tent in a field.
You really don't want toget to that stage and find that you've moved right down the housing list -as I did.
When you close your front door, it's yours. Your space and you have all your life to make it as you want it.
At the moment it's a cold shabby house. You are the person who will make it a warm and lovely home.
Good luck with your new start

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 14/02/2025 13:13

Take the house. Don’t even think twice. Think of it as a Valentine’s Day gift! Who knows when another opportunity will arise? Your priority should be to remove yourself and your children from the current toxic environment. Every day you stay is damaging to all of you.

Sneezeless · 14/02/2025 11:54

You shouldn't even be considering refusing the house. If you do you are a fool. As PP have said why are you focussed on decorating if things are that bad at home? Get a grip woman.