DH behaved horribly on his birthday

@Justlivelovelaugheat you mean debt that your h ran up and that you are also liable for because you're married? The debt he hid from you. Sorry to rain on your parade but this is not a good man. Dishonest.

Op, your h won't change. If anything, they get worse.

Don't believe in fairy tales.

I hope you can find an appropriate property. All power to you.

I hope I have commented in time. I’ve seen you are going through a hard time and unsure if you should move out. There is a lot of great advice here but you have to remember many of these people have not been in your position nor are they in the position you want to be in. I thought I’d come here to share that I’ve been in your exact position before. 3 kids, relationship was rocky for many years, was in a terrible place mentally because of my situation and DH did not always treat me the best. Was very controlling. I thought I hated him and wished for nothing more than to leave him but he held all the cards. He also treated me terrible on his birthday, complained all day to the point it made me feel sick. I was trying my hardest to make him happy to the point where I was not. Yes, at that time I should’ve left. I made a decision to see it through because I didn’t have anywhere to go. And something amazing happened. This horrible man who I once hated became an angel. He takes on all the responsibilities now when there was once a time he never used to help with the kids. He spends a crazy amount on things I want and nothing on himself- he used to be so selfish. He makes me feel like a queen and is amazing- the man I always wanted. It took him a while to get there. He had a lot of debt that I never knew about and this was affecting the way he treated me. Now that he is debt free and thriving, so it our relationship. None of this probably helps but I think its worth saying that people can change despite what everyone says. He honestly did and you know your husband better than I do. Maybe just maybe he is going through something too. Whether that be his depressed or his being unfaithful. I’m not telling you to stay by any means because there’s 2 ways this can go. You need to think long and hard about if you can stand the rain.

Just because it feels hard doesnt mean you shouldn’t fight for what is fair 💐

I don’t get why you won’t seek advice on getting him to leave if your current house meets the children’s needs and you stay near your support network? Surely you can speak to the council about that and relevant orgs such as police? Please don’t move out when he is the abuser!!

Have you taken further advice, spoken to elected officials about how you get him and keep him out? He’s an abuser, it’s been documented, appeasing him and hoping for an agreed end won’t work. So much advice given that you continue to ignore.

Why are you so sure your H wont move out if you officially separate?

He is a dickhead from your posts, I agree. But surely even he will think about what is best for the children?

Much as I think you need to leave, this house does seem to have too many negatives.

I think you need to see a solicitor first. And as you've just come to the realisation that you cannot continue, unless he's likely to turn violent I don't think you should take the first house offered, especially as you won't be in a safe area.

OP, would you talk to social services and talk about the abuse.
Would you ask about foster care to give you space from the abuse while you know the children are safe?

Sometimes the knowledge that you are willing to put the children in care because of what is going on, making it a THEM problem can focus minds to actually help you.
Have you sought Women's aid advice on how to proceed?

I think that SS depend on women always sucking it up.
It is so awful that you have to leave a house that suits you and the children because of his abuse.

Have you asked the HA about getting him out? Involving the police because he terrorises you all?
I feel so sorry for you.

You really need to think again about moving out of your house, OP. It doesn't sound as though that's the best thing for you.

On second thought, don't. One needes to change to really get help.
From what I read he doesn't and likely never will.

I recommend you look at videos of Sam Vaknin on narcisisstic cycle of abuse and how to free yourself from abusive relationships.

Get him therapy vouchers.
He obviously had past trauma related to his birthday that makes him emotionally regress.

Aww OP. Wish I could give you a hug. This is making me sad. You’re a tough cookie you can do this! His treated you awful and you could be happier without him. It might not feel good now but you’ll thank yourself one day. Good luck!

It's normal to be scared. The unknown is scary.

It's also sad. It's sad because the life you thought you would have with H is over. Unfortunately, what you thought it was going to be and what it is are very different things. That doesn't stop you grieving the future you wanted for you and the kids. You have to remind yourself that that future was a dream/ fantasy it wasn't real. Once you've gone you'll have to remind yourself of the reality of your life with H because it will be very easy to forget and romanticise. Abusive men are not abusive all the time. I loved mine will every part of me. It took me nearly a decade to not miss him because he head fucked me so much. He was a very dangerous, abusive and violent man but he was also kind, funny, charming, beautiful, loving. I had to keep reminding myself of all that he was to stay away from him.

You can't change the area of the house. Everything else is fixable. You might be able to get a grant to decorate. Once the heating is on it will feel warmer. You will be able to make it a home.

Go for it @RainbowStriped. You can do it. You deserve a fresh start and happiness and so do your kids.

This.
My DP loathes his dad and learned how not to dad by not following in his father's footsteps.
I learnt how not to parent by my own DF (and brother).

Pressed send too soon.

My point being you'd think OPs H would make a conscious effort to be a better dad having learnt from his own experience and not wallow in poor dad syndrome.
It's ok to wallow, but not for long

Being in the US I obviously know nothing about social housing, but this makes great sense to me. Definitely ask. It may not allow for him to be kicked out, but at least you'd know he didn't have the house.

I know you're scared. But I always liken situations like this to leaning to dive off the high dive. You're standing on the platform, scared to death. Below you is the nice, clear, and refreshing pool. All your friends are in the water shouting "Come on, you can do it" and "You'll love it, the water's great!". You stand there, bouncing on your toes, butterflies in your tummy. Then suddenly, despite your fear your courage appears and you just jump without any hesitation. For a moment you're 'flying' and then you land in the pool with a great splash. And it's wonderful! You float and kick and swim as much as you like. You did it!!!

Talk to your HA. If you do leave, will he have to also? And if so, can you put your name back in on that house? You've got nothing to lose by asking.

OP please check with your housing association because where I live if your home has been adjusted for someone with disabilities or a medical need the person that was put in for needs to live there!
So you're husband may not have the choice of living in the house.

Also, if your current house has been adapted for your son and it's a home with multiple bedrooms, I also think it's unlikely that he will be allowed to stay there once you move out. He won't be able to have the kids overnight and you may never want them to have an overnight with him when you do start the divorce proceedings.

I'm not sure if you mentioned it yet but are you both named on the tenancy of your current house? You'll need to get the council on to that if it's in both your names when you move out. I wouldn't be hanging on, hoping that he'll leave and you get to stay either. The place will host too many bad memories so starting somewhere fresh would be best.

Instead of seeing it as unfair that your DH gets to stay in your house, see this as an opportunity to live a life but without the shadow of "What if I do/say something wrong? Will he take it out on me or the kids?" - living without that kind of stressor is going to be such a new thing for you, you'll be wondering why you waited so long to do it.

You can decorate this place to your personal tastes, and not have to factor him in AT ALL. Also I'd try to start thinking of it as turning a page in your life - you have a completely blank page in front of you and you're allowed to write what you want on that page and where you want to write it and in whatever colour you want to write and when - so many opportunities here for you.