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Original poster

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 19:15

Redfred00 · 17/02/2025 19:06

There's also a flee fund you can apply for. I think it's £500.

Show quote history

They’ve stopped these now unfortunately 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 19:14

Garden in council house - dead trees/grass/broken paving slabs/many gaps where youngest could squeeze though and escape! Overgrown and ugly. I know all this could be fixed in time. Sloping so not possible for him to have a trampoline which he needs for self regulation.

OP posts:
Redfred00 · 17/02/2025 19:06

RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 18:54

Thanks everyone. I had a long chat with a women’s aid worker and she did say that Council properties can be in poor condition. She mentioned supporting me if I decided to stay in my current property and help me to get H out. I will phone a solicitor and research occupational orders. I want a quiet, quick divorce, no drama, no courts, just clean and quick.

Ideally - I would love another property similar to what I’ve got now but much nearer to DS school. The Housing Officer strongly recommended that I accept this property as I’ll lose my current points, I only get one offer of a council house. That’s why she’s given me a further 24 hours to think.

I can also bid on local housing association properties which are much nicer new builds.

Another pro - I have been granted help from a fund linked to my profession which would enable me to purchase furniture, white goods and kit out a house when I accept one. My application will be held open for 3 years if I do choose to move out. I’m so grateful for their help 💕

Still thinking 🤔

There's also a flee fund you can apply for. I think it's £500.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 18:57

Here’s an idea of what my current garden is like - not my actual garden!

DH behaved horribly on his birthday
OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 18:54

Thanks everyone. I had a long chat with a women’s aid worker and she did say that Council properties can be in poor condition. She mentioned supporting me if I decided to stay in my current property and help me to get H out. I will phone a solicitor and research occupational orders. I want a quiet, quick divorce, no drama, no courts, just clean and quick.

Ideally - I would love another property similar to what I’ve got now but much nearer to DS school. The Housing Officer strongly recommended that I accept this property as I’ll lose my current points, I only get one offer of a council house. That’s why she’s given me a further 24 hours to think.

I can also bid on local housing association properties which are much nicer new builds.

Another pro - I have been granted help from a fund linked to my profession which would enable me to purchase furniture, white goods and kit out a house when I accept one. My application will be held open for 3 years if I do choose to move out. I’m so grateful for their help 💕

Still thinking 🤔

OP posts:
windyweather66 · 17/02/2025 18:13

I know your DH is a nightmare, but I wouldn't leave your house for all the reasons you've given. I think you'll be miserable and end up regretting it.

Hang on to see if another, more suitable property becomes available and/or try to get your husband to leave. I'd also stop doing so much for him. He knows you're trying to appease him and plays up to it. Grey rock as much as you can get away with.

I really hope you can finally be free of him in the near future.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 17/02/2025 17:13

LivelyMintViper · 17/02/2025 16:37

To encourage him to put his children first and leave the house

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Well he doesn't seem to have bothered to put the kids first before,so I doubt he will now 😔

TheCatterall · 17/02/2025 17:11

@RainbowStriped id honestly stop considering DH reaction. Nothing you will do will make him happy.

the only peoples happiness you should consider is yours and the children’s.

So - what’s best for you (as you need to be happy and functioning to continue being a fabulous mum/human).

What’s best for you and the children for the next 3- 5 years with regards housing, school, community and transport?

it would be easier for him to find himself somewhere suitable than for you and this children.

lets face it - he’s going to be a mard little dick for at least 6 months whatever you do.

If the current home works best for you and the children then that’s what you should aim for.

long term - 5-10 years - the fuss he creates now will be a distant memory and a blip in your children’s lifetime.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 17:02

Spoke to housing again and they have given me an extra 24 hours to completely decide 🏠

Pros - It’s near to my parents

Much nearer to my work

new kitchen

I would finally be free and can start the divorce process.

It would be completely mine. A fresh start.

Living rurally at the moment - this house is close to the town centre, swimming pools, cinemas, beaches etc. I don’t drive and currently rely on busses.

Cons - The area is known as a rough, deprived area.

The garden is overgrown and potentially dangerous but housing said that I could apply for a grant to put fences up.

The house is old, crumbling steps and paving slabs outside. Not sure if it would have anymore problems if I moved in. It’s your typical council property, pebble dashed, the outside is worn looking and dirty. The whole thing would need painting.

Cons - I would have to leave my whole community where I have raised my children and leave a decent sized new-ish house.

Cons - a long commute for oldest. Potentially he wouldn’t want to do that as he gets older and will choose to mostly be with his Dad. I might become detached from him and not see him much.

Cons - H might even be difficult about the area and bad mouth it putting my oldest off staying there. It wouldn’t be easy to have DS friends over and H has never done play dates on his own.

Where I am now - my new build is so cheap to run, lovely and warm and well insulated. The house I was offered seems like it would be cold and hard to heat. Currently I have a wet room which is ideal for my son’s needs.

Options - Take the house

Stay where I am and get H to leave.
Keep looking for housing association homes which are better quality/mostly new builds.

Still thinking… 🤔

OP posts:
LivelyMintViper · 17/02/2025 16:37

RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 13:23

Do you mean to make him leave the house?

Show quote history

To encourage him to put his children first and leave the house

ChristmasPudd1990 · 17/02/2025 16:14

RainbowStriped · 14/02/2025 21:44

I was excited before and hopeful but now it feels so real. DH can tell something is up with me tonight, he doesn’t know yet. I suffer from depression in the lead up to my period, I know I’m not thinking straight at the moment. It also feels unfair that I’m the one going and starting again and DH gets to stay in our house. I still doubt if I would have been better off staying in my house and trying to get DH to move out instead. Sorry - rambling post 😢

Why can't you throw your husband out and you stay in the lovely house? After all it's already adapted for your son. Turf the husband out.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 13:23

LivelyMintViper · 17/02/2025 12:59

Could you enlist the support of his mother? Or would that be counter productive.?

Do you mean to make him leave the house?

OP posts:
LivelyMintViper · 17/02/2025 12:59

Could you enlist the support of his mother? Or would that be counter productive.?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/02/2025 12:27

Absolutely right, @wizzywig. Sadly I doubt this man can see beyond the end or his own nose, and won't give a damn.

wizzywig · 17/02/2025 11:30

My opinion is that it takes a special type of shitty person to put their kids in a not so nice accommodation as a punishment for the marriage ending. I hope he sleeps well in the lovely house you both created

Mmhmmn · 17/02/2025 09:42

Well done for making plans to get out OP. He’s an utter arsehole and you will be much better off without him.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 17/02/2025 09:34

RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 09:14

When I initially spoke to women’s aid regarding my situation the DA worker did advise that staying in the marital home can be riskier as the perpetrator can view the house as “theirs” can turn up, harass, not respect boundaries etc. DH had a difficult childhood with multiple house moves and no security, he’s says this is the first proper home he’s ever had and in arguments says I’m always threatening his security/that I’m the type to try and take his home away from him.

I don’t think he would be the type to stalk or harass, I don’t think he could be bothered tbh but he would hold it over my head forever that I was the one who took his home away.

Show quote history

But you aren't the one who will be taking away his home.

He'll be losing his home because of himself due to his own vile behaviour.
He doesn't get to blackmail you about how it's his first stable home. You need a stable home for you and your child and that should be the most important thing. Staying in the home is for them.
He needs an education on how to husband and dad and he doesn't get to do that in the family home.

He's not going to understand that though until he's on his arse, rock bottom and then (hopefully) he'll see how he's been a total c**T and how it's not ok to treat you as he has been.

I don't hold a lot of hope though. Sorry.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 09:33

whatapalarva · 17/02/2025 09:30

I left the marital home and he has to buy me out within 3 years (just over a year to go). So I have a lovely house not too far from my old home (my DS was in secondary school) with a mortgage, no pension sharing. It will be tough for a while financially but when he has to buy me out next year it will be eased. I never thought I would find somewhere as community orientated or friendly as my home of 20 year but I have and love it. Don't rush, or be rushed, into any decisions.

That sounds perfect! I’m glad things worked out for you 😀

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 09:32

whatapalarva · 17/02/2025 09:24

So another H taking no accountability for a marriage breakdown. I had a similar issue with my ex, I was told in arguments that I would be the one to leave. In the end, I did leave but I wasn't going to go without making it perfectly clear it would be done legally and would take as long as it took. It wasn't a pleasant year that it took to leave but i am now satisfied that I didn't just walk away and accept defeat as i was the one to split. My advice would be to not take the first house that is offered 9 miles away, its too far for your DC for school. Its horrendous but so worth it OP.

Ideally I would live nearby, maybe not in the same village but close enough to my son’s school especially with him doing GCSEs in a few years. Oh to win the lottery!

OP posts:
whatapalarva · 17/02/2025 09:30

I left the marital home and he has to buy me out within 3 years (just over a year to go). So I have a lovely house not too far from my old home (my DS was in secondary school) with a mortgage, no pension sharing. It will be tough for a while financially but when he has to buy me out next year it will be eased. I never thought I would find somewhere as community orientated or friendly as my home of 20 year but I have and love it. Don't rush, or be rushed, into any decisions.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 09:26

Morning everyone, it’s D Day! Lots to think about, many phone calls to make. No option is easy - staying with DH (nope) trying to get him out of our house or me moving away and starting from scratch in a new area. None of them are easy. I feel that it is unusual for the mother to leave the marital home? It’s normally the Father that does. I know every situation is different.

OP posts:
whatapalarva · 17/02/2025 09:24

So another H taking no accountability for a marriage breakdown. I had a similar issue with my ex, I was told in arguments that I would be the one to leave. In the end, I did leave but I wasn't going to go without making it perfectly clear it would be done legally and would take as long as it took. It wasn't a pleasant year that it took to leave but i am now satisfied that I didn't just walk away and accept defeat as i was the one to split. My advice would be to not take the first house that is offered 9 miles away, its too far for your DC for school. Its horrendous but so worth it OP.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 09:21

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 17/02/2025 02:33

I don’t get why you won’t seek advice on getting him to leave if your current house meets the children’s needs and you stay near your support network? Surely you can speak to the council about that and relevant orgs such as police? Please don’t move out when he is the abuser!!

Show quote history

I will also speak to WA about me staying in the property and what would happen. Phoning a solicitor this week too.

Where I’m living now has a lovely community feel, I don’t have a support network here as such, things are different now that my oldest has left primary school, I’m not doing school runs and don’t really see the other parents much. I’ve got a few Mums that I meet for coffees every few months but I could do that anyway even if I was living elsewhere. No family here. Lovely community feel though where I’m guaranteed to bump into someone I know at the shop etc. All my son’s friends are here. Lots of history here, our whole lives are here.

It’s difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 09:14

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 17/02/2025 02:33

I don’t get why you won’t seek advice on getting him to leave if your current house meets the children’s needs and you stay near your support network? Surely you can speak to the council about that and relevant orgs such as police? Please don’t move out when he is the abuser!!

Show quote history

When I initially spoke to women’s aid regarding my situation the DA worker did advise that staying in the marital home can be riskier as the perpetrator can view the house as “theirs” can turn up, harass, not respect boundaries etc. DH had a difficult childhood with multiple house moves and no security, he’s says this is the first proper home he’s ever had and in arguments says I’m always threatening his security/that I’m the type to try and take his home away from him.

I don’t think he would be the type to stalk or harass, I don’t think he could be bothered tbh but he would hold it over my head forever that I was the one who took his home away.

OP posts:
Justlivelovelaugheat · 17/02/2025 07:31

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 17/02/2025 07:21

@Justlivelovelaugheat you mean debt that your h ran up and that you are also liable for because you're married? The debt he hid from you. Sorry to rain on your parade but this is not a good man. Dishonest.

Op, your h won't change. If anything, they get worse.

Don't believe in fairy tales.

I hope you can find an appropriate property. All power to you.

It was in his business which is a ltd. Neither of us were personally liable. It’s all better now and yes he is a great man. I’m not sure if this is the case for OP but I’m giving my story. It’s not a fairytale if I’ve actually lived it. OP anyways, I’m wishing you the best. Please explore all your options and give your head held high!