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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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Redfred00 · 19/02/2025 18:59

RainbowStriped · 19/02/2025 14:40

Hi everyone, another quick update. I have verbally accepted the property to hold it - however I haven’t officially signed anything yet. I still have doubts, what I’ve done feels so brutal and extreme. I have doubts about the house itself too as it’s an old property that could potentially have issues compared to what I’m in now. Once I’ve officially accepted it/signed the contract/taken my name off my current tenancy that’s it - it will be what I am stuck with - a much older house/possibly in poor condition compared with new housing association homes. I’m currently swinging between feeling like I could possibly make it work and feeling like - god what am I doing?!

It’s difficult - one offer and that’s it. I really envy the couples that split up and can choose where they will live, choose their home or even buy a new home. It feels brutal like I’m not being given any say, I know I probably sound ungrateful!

Part of me now regrets doing something so so extreme! The reality is terrifying 😦

A minute later and I’m thinking that perhaps it could work? My head is a mess!

Ideally - my housing association have lovely new builds which are pretty similar to what I’m in now, ideally I would be much much nearer to my sons school and our area as it really does feel so far away although it does have benefits in the school holidays and weekends etc.

You're scared, and that's normal. Fear can be paralysing. But IMO, you should be more scared of staying than leaving. At the moment you are making choices. I know you feel like those choices are limited but at least they are your own. You are in control. You aren't being bullied/ manipulated/ coerced into it. Stay or go, you and your kids because they have no choice, are going to face the consequences. A life in an old house that needs a bit of spit and polish and you can make your own is a much better prospect than continuing the life you have. Don't get me wrong it's not going to be easy but nothing worth having is east and I imagine it will be easier than being with your abusive, wanker H

Hazylazydays · 19/02/2025 18:57

At the end of the day OP it’s your own decision, I know you’ve had lots of advice on here but only you know the full circumstances.
I think it depends on how bad the house really is, is it damp free, fully habitable, and safe for your children.

AlertCat · 19/02/2025 18:50

@RainbowStriped i get completely your dilemma about the abuse. Well done for taking the steps!

FWIW I know of someone who took a council flat under similar duress, and when it proved to be unsuitable for their family, forced the council to offer them something that really does suit them. So if you find the garden is unsafe, for example- persist, persist, persist.
Hopefully you will find it’s fine and there’s enough flattish space to have the trampoline you need, wet room and so on. Best of luck.

BlitheSpirits · 19/02/2025 18:47

i feel there must be a big backstory here as to why he's so miserable and grumpy?

Nothatgingerpirate · 19/02/2025 18:36

RainbowStriped · 19/02/2025 15:08

I am acknowledging all the advice I have received on here, I’m so grateful for everyone’s input. I’m weighing up every single piece of advice I’ve received and how it will affect mine and the children’s lives. Including taking the house or of course staying and fighting for your home I’m in right now. It’s so bloody hard. Leaving out of the blue feels fucking brutal! (Sorry for the swearing)

What would be the alternative?
Come on.

TattooGuineaPig · 19/02/2025 18:26

He is a man child.

OnYerselfHen · 19/02/2025 18:24

Omgblueskys · 19/02/2025 18:18

It's a HA house they rent it,

Ah! Missed that. Thanks

RaveToTheGrave1 · 19/02/2025 18:24

Look at it this way babs, summer next year you could have your friends round for drinks in YOUR nicely spruced up garden in YOUR home that you did off your own back 🩷

redlou · 19/02/2025 18:18

Take the house, make it nice and move again to somewhere better when you can. It is not good for your kids, let alone yourself, to remain in your situation. Lead by example that how he treats you is not to be tolerated, otherwise they are learning it is normal and this could affect their choice of partners in the future.

Omgblueskys · 19/02/2025 18:18

OnYerselfHen · 19/02/2025 18:11

Am I being silly here but do you own your house with your husband? Would he not need to buy you out, if he doesn't want to sell? Apologies if this is an obvious answer. I've never had to question this question myself so I am unsure.

It's a HA house they rent it,

OnYerselfHen · 19/02/2025 18:11

Am I being silly here but do you own your house with your husband? Would he not need to buy you out, if he doesn't want to sell? Apologies if this is an obvious answer. I've never had to question this question myself so I am unsure.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 19/02/2025 18:06

Well that certainly gave me the ick 🤢

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2025 18:06

@RainbowStriped I am wondering if stay and fight for the house, or leave and lose it are really your only two options.

What about "leave and fight for the house"?

You have a hell of a lot of supporting evidence to the abuse, it has been acknowledge by WA, accepted by the housing association and you have left for your own health and safety. But, that doesnt mean that you shouldnt still fight for the house aswell. You havent abandoned the family home, you are having to flee to escape abuse, that changes things a lot. There a no guarantees but I wouldnt just be giving up if I were you, its got to be worth a try surely?

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 19/02/2025 18:04

You would be actually crazy to not take that house. You have to jump to land OP. Seriously, this is the start of your new life. Just because it's not your dream home doesn't mean you can't do masses to it.

If it's less than great, it's a way of saying you would rather climb down a few pegs than stay with him.

Move in and then move again later if need be or house swap but ...make that move.

MissDoubleU · 19/02/2025 17:37

What happens when you decide to stay where you are and make him leave - but he doesn’t leave?? And you have no lifeline or place to run away to and he gets worse again, because men always do when they know you’re trying to escape. Take the house and run.

Delphinium20 · 19/02/2025 17:33

Take the house, OP. I'm from a country where a woman's only option in your situation is a short-term shelter and if you have a son older than 10, he'd have to stay in foster care.

You'll figure out how to live successfully in this home and, like you said, it can be temporary when you find another to swap. OR, you might find you like it. You can have your one DC who's capable help you fix it up. It won't be perfect, but your mind will be free from the stress of living in an abusive home. Freedom is worth it. You just can't see it yet.

bevm72yellow · 19/02/2025 17:27

he is setting you up to fail. it is to make you the problem and responsible for how he feels on his big day. it is behaviour to make you pander. Step back from his drama making. And do not give it an audience

SlightlyJaded · 19/02/2025 17:14

Take the house
You can put in for a move/swap/whatever at a later date if you choose to
But if you turn it down, you are pretty much stuck where you are

Have a look at some house rennovations on budgets on Instagram. There are some incredible makeovers done very cheaply - lots of brown council houses and worse! I'm pretty sure @theshoestringhome is an ex-counci house and whilst it may not be to your taste, it's all done 'on a shoestring'. You might feel inspired and begin to imagine the home that you could make, with your stamp on it.

I realise you can't do massive rennovations on council homes, but you can ABSOLUTELY beautify them and make them somewhere joyful to come to. And that's what you deserve - joy,

Take the house!

Bumblebeestiltskin · 19/02/2025 17:09

OP you HAVE to save your kids from this abusive home.

RainbowStriped · 19/02/2025 17:07

Easipeelerie · 19/02/2025 16:32

Is there a way you could move there in stages - visit it to renovate and clear the garden, then move the children in once it’s habitable?

Yes definitely. It would take a good few weeks/a month to sort. I know it sounds like I’m so ungrateful and dithery about the offer I’ve received. I also understand how some might think that - what’s she playing at? If things were that bad or if she was being genuinely abused why isn’t she running for the hills?!

Emotional/verbal abuse is complicated- he isn’t terrorising our family 24 hours a day, it doesn’t work that way - it can also feel like because it’s not physical - it isn’t as bad as a women who is being physically abused. To give an idea - the worst abuse happened when I was pregnant and when our children were much younger - name calling, threats to physically harm me, threats to end his own life, telling me to go and k!ll myself threats to urinate on my clothes and saying terrible things about my parenting like I am indifferent to my children and that I ignored my son for the first two years of his life. Things were very very bad. We couldn’t go a day without fighting.

Things are much calmer now - I wouldn’t say I’m at immediate risk of harm but all love and trust have gone. I can’t bear him physically touching me. Day to day things are not as volatile as they were.

I do have doubts about what I have done. Being preoccupied about my current house vs the one I’ve been offered just means I’m weighing up the pros and cons of my final decision. Staying and making him leave or just leaving myself ASAP but losing everything and being so far away.

OP posts:
Bravemama · 19/02/2025 17:01

He genuinely sounds like Muffin from Bluey

RaveToTheGrave1 · 19/02/2025 16:49

This man sounds like the biggest bloody child lmao

Easipeelerie · 19/02/2025 16:32

Is there a way you could move there in stages - visit it to renovate and clear the garden, then move the children in once it’s habitable?

MyPurpleHeart · 19/02/2025 16:31

I don't know, if things were as bad as you say they are having a nice carpet and lawn wouldn't be a big deal to me. You are prioritizing a cosy house over a safe one.

Madness

Imbusytodaysorry · 19/02/2025 16:22

@RainbowStriped I think the garden looks like it would be great . You don’t need to be good at gardening to nip branches down and tidy up . Im sure a trampoline would sit no problem.
You can pay someone local I’m sure to help with bits you get stuck on .

It’s always daunting dealing with the unknown. .
Deprived areas tend to be the closest. Everyone has nothing but still shares .
For what it’s worth I think you should take the house and are doing the right thing .
Keep strong . There is no better feeling than walking in a door and closing it behind you and it’s peace . Focus on that for you and your kids .

Exciting times 😊

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