DH behaved horribly on his birthday

That would be it for me. I wouldn't bother with his birthday next year- and I would tell him a week or more before why I wasn't going to do anything. There is no way I would repeatedly be treated like that. His family must think he is an ungrateful twat oo if they all made an effort to turn out for a weekday lunch to be treated like that!

I would suggest he gets some trauma therapy in the meantime.

That sounds like an incredibly difficult and exhausting day for you, and I completely understand why you’re feeling frustrated, hurt, and even at your wits end. You clearly put so much effort into making his birthday special, and it must have been awful to have that met with negativity at every turn. No one likes to feel like their kindness is being thrown back in their face, especially when you’ve tried so hard to make things nice.

That being said, I can see why your husbands behaviour is making you feel physically ill his reactions were dismissive, entitled, and, at times, downright cruel. Your feelings are completely valid, and I think anyone in your position would feel utterly deflated. It’s also telling that even your kids picked up on his attitude and called him out on it.

At the same time, I do wonder if his behaviour was more about his own unresolved pain than about anything you did or didn’t do. You mentioned he struggles with his birthday due to being estranged from his dad. It sounds like he’s carrying a lot of sadness and resentment around this, and instead of dealing with those feelings in a healthy way, he lashes out at you and creates conflict. Almost as if he sets the day up to fail in advance so that it can confirm his inner belief that birthdays are miserable, that he isn’t celebrated properly, or that no one cares.

None of this makes his behaviour okay, and you absolutely don’t deserve to be treated this way, but it might help to frame it as his issue, rather than a reflection of your efforts or love. It doesn’t seem like he actually wanted a big breakfast, a front-door banner, or a different set of gifts he wanted to feel special and valued but also seemed to sabotage that for himself.

If you have the energy for it, maybe when things have settled, you could gently talk to him about how his behaviour affects you and see if he can acknowledge that. It might also be worth discussing whether he’d like to approach birthdays differently in the future perhaps a lower-key day that isn’t built up in his mind as a big event to fail at. But in the meantime, please look after yourself. You went above and beyond, and you don’t deserve to have your kindness trampled on.

Fuck me, I wouldn't be putting up with this. Take the kids away for Fathers Day and tell him why.

Any chance there could be another woman in the background? This sounds like typical behaviour of a bloke who is planning to leave. "Woe is me, no one made an effort on my Birthday, Father's Day.....". I'd be giving him a helpful push. You sound lovely and there is no reason you should be putting up with this shit.

In your father's day post you said you'd ended the marriage after making a list of all he's done and said to you.
Why did you go back?
You should rewrite the list and use it as motivation to get out for good.

What do you gain by having him in your life?

Then stop celebrating his birthday. Tell him that he doesn't appreciate the effort you go to and you find it upsetting. I'd get him a card and leave him to it.

If my partner acted like that I'd have gone out.

Wow. My 4 year old doesn't act like this...

How can you live like that, op? Do yourself a favour and leave. Being alone is better than being with that...

@Cocoalover
Here's an extra Happy Birthday! If it's any consolation, I come from a big family but don't have many people in my life either.
I like to think it's quality, not quantity 😁
Have a lovely day, whatever you chose to do! x

Happy birthday @Cocoalover 💐 hope your day is better than you expect!
Are you able to buy a treat for yourself?
I don't have many friends or family either, I'm so grateful for what I do receive on my birthday and I always buy myself something as well.

His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

Tell him this is important and he needs to spend time addressing this and getting support for himself before next birthday / Father’s Day.

Tell him you believe him that this is why, but as well as being upsetting for him his response is incredibly distressing for you , and magically you are bearing the brunt of his anger against his Dad. And there is no way you can make it better with banners and Facebook posts or a bloody fly past by the red arrows, because you are you and not his Dad and you are not the one who left him feeling abandoned. But you are being set up to fail and you can’t go through another birthday like that.

There may be some useful books he can read, or he could talk it through with a counsellor. Or go for a few long walks with you and you can both talk it through.

You want to be able to celebrate his birthday as you, and for him to understand that, not to try and be a substitute Dad he never had.

How repulsive

Then stop. And give him something to moan about

And if he was my husband he'd have been wearing the cake

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa.

Of course he did. He knew he wouldn't get any sex unless he was "nice". I wouldn't be surprised if he's the type to expect/demand a birthday bj.

Next time OP treat yourself too. Either start a divorce or learn the art of grey rocking/dropping the rope.

Have you ever asked him, 6 months away from his birthday, why he always self sabotages it and makes you and the kids miserable?

It was all bad, but getting upset about there not being a banner on the front door is absolutely ridiculous.

Were/Are you able to have a conversation with him about how out of order his behaviour was?

I agree that he needs therapy.

I'd be telling him that this year was the last time any effort was being made as he's an ungrateful wee shite.

You'd think that his kids calling him out on his behaviour might have shamed him into a bit of gratitude.

I’ll wish you a happy birthday 🥳, I hope you’re ok.

How did you address the father's day behaviour (sorry, didn't read the thread)?

Did you let him know how he made you feel on that occasion?

@RainbowStriped he needs to deal with this through counselling or therapy. It’s unacceptable to keep doing it and expect everyone to deal with it.

he either seeks help or his birthday is cancelled each year due to how he reacts/behaves?

What an ungrateful man. It's my birthday today, and I am estranged from most of my family. I will be lucky to receive a card from my parents. I got a few small gifts from my partner, which I am grateful for. I don't enjoy birthdays because it highlights the fact that I really don't have many people in my life. But I get on with my day and appreciate the things/people that I do have. I will probably cry later on, but hey, ho, life goes on!