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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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8
MrsWinkly · 06/02/2025 10:02

He treats you pretty badly generally it seems.
I think I remember your post the other day.
Do you think you can carry on like this OP, it sounds seriously miserable?

RitaFromTheRanch · 06/02/2025 10:01

I wouldn't even accept that from my 15yo

I swear to god I would leave him.

Doloresparton · 06/02/2025 10:01

You're trying too hard op
You wouldn't take that behaviour from your dc so don't accept it from him.
I would have bagged his gifts up, cancelled his meal and told him that when he learns to behave like an adult you'll treat him like one.

SparklingJoyous · 06/02/2025 10:01

EuclidianGeometryFan · 06/02/2025 10:00

Then why do you keep doing it?
Why bother with all the presents, balloons, banners, cake, special lunch, meal with family etc. etc.
Tell him about six weeks in advance next year that you will not be doing anything for his birthday as he seem to hate it.
And mean it.

I agree with this. If he wants to argue with you then you've got pretty good reasons for standing your ground.
It sounds exhausting OP and I'm not surprised that you feel the way you do.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:01

Cocoalover · 06/02/2025 09:42

What an ungrateful man. It's my birthday today, and I am estranged from most of my family. I will be lucky to receive a card from my parents. I got a few small gifts from my partner, which I am grateful for. I don't enjoy birthdays because it highlights the fact that I really don't have many people in my life. But I get on with my day and appreciate the things/people that I do have. I will probably cry later on, but hey, ho, life goes on!

Happy birthday 🥳 I hope you have a lovely day celebrating.

OP posts:
pikantna · 06/02/2025 10:01

He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday?

This would have ended me. How old is the man?!

EuclidianGeometryFan · 06/02/2025 10:00

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:38

I can honestly say this is 100% real 😔 He has always acted up around his birthdays/starts fights in the days leading up to them and then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. Some years have been ok but this year was particularly bad.

Then why do you keep doing it?
Why bother with all the presents, balloons, banners, cake, special lunch, meal with family etc. etc.
Tell him about six weeks in advance next year that you will not be doing anything for his birthday as he seem to hate it.
And mean it.

gamerchick · 06/02/2025 09:59

Justalittlehandhold · 06/02/2025 09:37

@RainbowStriped on reflection I think something else is going on. He was trying his hardest to make you lose your temper and get angry with him.

Why?

I agree.

Tbh it sounds like he's got some deep rooted issues around his birthday and they go all the way back to when he was a kid. He wants to be centre stage and doesn't at the same time. He probably should explore those emotions with a professional.

I wouldn't be doing birthdays until he's done that.

Zeborah · 06/02/2025 09:59

Is he 5 ??

JustWalkingTheDogs · 06/02/2025 09:59

I think you need to sit him diwn and tell him just how unacceptable and awful his behaviour is. I'd lay the law down and tell him if he starts to cuss arguments either before or during any birthday, Father's Day, etc that you'll take all his gifts back, cancel any plans and he can fuck off by himself for the day. I'd bloody well make sure I did this too.

He expectations, banners, parties etc are very over the top, and his behaviour is that of a spoilt 3yr old

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 09:58

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 06/02/2025 09:41

How old is your man child. Was it a significant birthday?

I'd say it was a significant birthday in that it would be the last one he'd be getting any celebration effforts from me.

Tell him he's had his chips and as a pre warning he can whistle on father's day, you'll take DC to see their grandad. Be clear that he's on thin ice and needs get himself the help he needs in order to function like a grown up.

Using the situation with his father is an excuse and that is his responsibility to deal with not beat you over the head with.

SparklingJoyous · 06/02/2025 09:58

How old is he?

eremition · 06/02/2025 09:57

Cocoalover · 06/02/2025 09:42

What an ungrateful man. It's my birthday today, and I am estranged from most of my family. I will be lucky to receive a card from my parents. I got a few small gifts from my partner, which I am grateful for. I don't enjoy birthdays because it highlights the fact that I really don't have many people in my life. But I get on with my day and appreciate the things/people that I do have. I will probably cry later on, but hey, ho, life goes on!

Happy Birthday!

Crazybaby123 · 06/02/2025 09:57

My DH hates birthdays, in particular his own always moans. Guess what he gets on his birthday, usually two small gifts from the kids and nothing organised from me. Told me recently he would quite like a surpise party 😂yeah ok, I am going to organise a surpjse party for someone who actively makes a point that they hate birthdays. Idiot.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/02/2025 09:57

DH is not OK, is he? He needs some help. Seems that he gets overwhelmed by unbearable feelings of loss and abandonment on days when he's hoping to be made to feel special, and he simply can't deal with them, and literally nothing comforts him or cheers him up.
I think therapy is the only answer. Have a serious talk on a non-special day and say that these explosions of furious, infantile despair are threatening your marriage and your children's happiness.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 06/02/2025 09:56

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:33

He treats me well on my own birthday but there’s a pattern of him behaving badly around his own birthday.

I would just tell him you won’t be doing anything for his birthday next year other than a card due to his unacceptable behaviour.

Bringmeahigherlove · 06/02/2025 09:56

Is he 12!? Utterly pathetic.

Cattery · 06/02/2025 09:55

I’ve seen this type of behaviour before. The one that springs to mind is around Christmas and the festivities and present-giving. This person’s behaviour was that of a brat; disappearing, wanting to open presents alone etc. We discovered it was all rooted in childhood Christmases which were traumatic

myplace · 06/02/2025 09:53

Having trauma around a date, and then self sabotaging, is a common pattern of behaviour.

The way to deal with it is to recognise it, plan for it, and engineer the situation to be more comfortable.

Making everyone else pay because of your trauma is dickhead behaviour.

When things are calmer, have a conversation along the lines of ‘How are we going to organise big dates in future, because that must never happen again.’

You could go away over the day, decide not to celebrate, celebrate a day early… but not, ever, punish the people around you for his dad’s behaviour.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/02/2025 09:53

12 therapy sessions for Christmas present this year

But you don't have to put up with it Flowers

I wouldn't have engaged with any of that, but I don't find men who take out their frustrations on others sexy. I don't do emotional illiteracy in my personal life.

Icanttakethisanymore · 06/02/2025 09:52

Why do you put up with it? I’d have told him to fuck off first thing when he started moaning.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 09:51

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:35

It’s definitely real! He behaved very badly around Fathers Day last year (I posted about it and how awful he was)

I just tried to find this post but the only one that has come up is your post from 2 days ago about how you have threatened to divorce him and he brings it up in every argument.

Can I ask why you are still together?

And please don't say for the kids as they are clearly witnessing and party to this horrendous behaviour and miserable relationship.

ZippyDoodle · 06/02/2025 09:51

Cocoalover · 06/02/2025 09:42

What an ungrateful man. It's my birthday today, and I am estranged from most of my family. I will be lucky to receive a card from my parents. I got a few small gifts from my partner, which I am grateful for. I don't enjoy birthdays because it highlights the fact that I really don't have many people in my life. But I get on with my day and appreciate the things/people that I do have. I will probably cry later on, but hey, ho, life goes on!

Oh no! I'm in a similar position and understand exactly how you feel.

Make a fuss of yourself today and don't worry about anyone else.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Lots of love ZippyDoodle xxx

Devon24 · 06/02/2025 09:49

Op he needs therapy. Boy does he need therapy, this will link to his childhood and the disappointment and lack of love, every time a special occasion happens he is reliving it. Ask him what his birthdays were like? What happened when he was young?

Therapy or no therapy WHY are you putting up with this?? Why?

He was rude at the restaurant to your families. He was petulant towards your children. You should have stood up and said we are leaving. And left him there. It’s completely unfair on you. If he is like this (and I suspect he is) in other areas it’s time to reconsider sharing your life with him.

He is a disgraceful example to your children.

I would tell him now that unless he behaves on Father’s Day and all occasions after that, he will get a card and a voucher and nothing more, and mean it. He is being unbelievably rude and entitled (regardless of childhood issues)

IAmTheLittleThings · 06/02/2025 09:48

Unfortunately you're married to a selfish prick and I wouldn't bother giving him anything ever again.

Apart from divorce papers.