DH behaved horribly on his birthday

Cut to the chase - he wants out and he wants it to look as if you are the unreasonable one when you tell him to go.

His behaviour towards you isn't just 'spoilt child', it's abusive. Nothing you can do is enough, everything is disregarded or belittled.

He's having tantrums, storming into supermarkets, sulking in front of his family to prove how unhappy you make him and how neglected he is. Building up his case that you are 'the bad guy'.

Thought - is he on those men's sites where they teach each other to make lists of their partners wrongdoings, lists of their own expectations of their partner and say things like 'What do you do for me?' Sounds like it from what you've written.

Another thought - all the 'birthday' stuff with presents laid out, loads spent, fuss, fuss, fuss... that's for children. You and he are adults. You are setting yourself up for failure by babying him.

Final thought - this 'he kicks off around his birthday' stuff is a narcissist trait. Look it up, you might find more you recognise.

Review and reassess this relationship. If you are staying, change things quietly without discussion. No more gift-fests for him. If he sods off for a MaccyD, don't even notice. Start building your own independence from his moods.

That is such a brilliant - and
accurate - comment!!👏👏

I used to be touchy about my birthday due to an abusive childhood. I would feel stressed in the lead up, and sad on the day. I'd ignore my phone and just want the day to be over. But you know what? I got over that self pitying nonsense once I had my children.
No banner on the front door HAHA what!?
He sounds like a bloody lunatic.
I wouldn't be cuddling the fucker for a looong time after that display. What an embarrassment of a human.
I'm raging for you!

I'd be telling him we're not celebrating your birthday next year so you've plenty of time to think about what a miserable, ungrateful twat you are.
If he has issues to do with his father he should get help for that instead of ruining everyone else's day. I'm surprised his family didn't pull him up properly.

His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

This may well be the root of his behaviour, but it in no way excuses the way he chooses to express those feelings. It seems like he gives himself permission to behave as badly and unreasonably as he pleases, almost taking a perverse pleasure in being as childlike as possible and punishing everyone around him - literally ‘it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to’.

As this one was a big birthday, he’s given himself a proper run up to the full mantrum. Whatever you’d have done wouldn’t have been good enough - you could have had a Red Arrows fly-by with a ticker tape parade, cheerleaders and a fucking bouncy castle, and he’d still find a reason to stamp his foot because you’ve not made him feel like a special enough boy.

What are you planning to do or say, though, OP? At the very least you need to let him know that any and all celebrations or gift-giving occasions are cancelled until he acknowledges the effect of his behaviour on those around him. He’s basically shitting on the efforts of everyone who loves him, every single time, so what’s the point? It gives nobody any pleasure or happiness, just spreads bad feeling, so stop.

There’s only so much whining, babyish, ‘me me me’ foot-stamping that’s tolerable from a grown man, no matter how damaged. He needs therapy to address the abandonment issues of the little boy inside him, before that child estranges him from his own family.

Your husband needs to agree to counselling. He is acting like a 5 year old. If I'm being kind, I might say that his birthday/lack of father is a trigger that makes him regress back to childhood.

However, that isn't your problem. If he can't control this then he needs counselling. If he refuses then I think I would look at separating.

What the fuck have I just read?
He's ridiculous.

Leave leave leave

His estrangement with his own father does not mean he gets to take it out on your family. I wouldn't be sorry telling him if he wants the same relationship with his kids that he has with his father then he's going the right way about it.

Horrible, horrible ungrateful man. Either he does therapy or I'd be gone OP, I wouldn't put up with that shit nor would I expect my kids to.

Ah is this the man that called you rotten and a vile woman? They proceed to basically ignore your child giving him his father's day gift and he went to his room upset? And you had to apologise for saying "please don't shout at me".

You mentioned making a list of all the horrible names he called you and said this is repeated behaviour.

As far as I remember you said you ended the marriage?

Sorry if that's not you but your writing style is the same.

Does he get a kick out of winding you up on a general basis or just on his birthday ?

Couldnt be doing with it. I'd've told him to STFU.

You know it’s bad when the children are calling him out for his behaviour. Scrap the buffet and whatever else you had planned. He doesn’t appreciate any of it. What a dickhead.

I might remember your post OP, was he horrible to your DS and made them cry?

Maybe his birthday present next year should be a set of therapy sessions, @RainbowStriped!

I can understand how his history is causing him to be depressed about his birthday and Father's Day, but it doesn't make it OK for him to take it out on his nearest and dearest.

Maybe now his birthday is over for this year, when the dust has settled a bit, you and he can have a serious conversation about why he acts so badly on his birthday, the effect it has on you and the rest of the family, and you can agree a way forward. My suggestion of therapy sessions as a birthday present was tongue-in-cheek, but I honestly think this is going to mean him getting therapy to deal with his issues.

This is barely normal for a child, never mind a supposedly grown man. I was also going to question if this is real, so bizarre is his behaviour. But I see others have questioned and it’s definitely real. Omg.

You are married to a man child, who behaves worse than most children. It’s laughable if it wasn’t you who had to face it. YADNBU.

For Me if he ever behaved like this again, the marriage would be over. He may have a lot going on ref his own dad and trauma, but that’s not an excuse to treat you like this. You don’t need this shit. Give him one last chance for the sake of your kids and your marriage. But that’s it. What a repulsive dickhead.

When I started to read this I was thinking 100% ltb, entitled manbaby, etc etc, but then you said he is lovely except for his Birthday and Father's Day. These events are obviously triggering for him and he doesn't know how to cope. I would suggest taking back all of the expensive clothing you bought him that he doesn't like, and reinvesting it in some therapy sessions, as this guy has issues. It would come with an ultimatum of sort it or I'm gone.

Exactly this !! If this was a child I would think it was entitled brattish behaviour but from an adult I just cannot believe what I have read !!Whats with all the gifts and balloons? All sounds a bit weird.

@OP you’re really not seeing the bigger picture here. @penelopelondon has it right.
Don’t minimise this as simply birthday-related.

I think you should tell him that since he obviously loathes birthdays, you’re going to put him out of his misery and stop celebrating his entirely. If when he pushes back, then it is time to let him know that under no uncertain terms are you willing to allow yourself or your kids to be put through that kind of torture by a selfish, ungrateful, miserable git - ever. He is going to have to stop acting like someone pissed in his cornflakes and start acting as though he is lucky to have people left in his life who feel that he might be someone worth celebrating, because this kind of behaviour is enough to push you all away completely.

Exactly this. I have a pretty major trauma tied to my birthday date, and have lost both my parents, so there's fairly good reasons for me to spend the day feeling down and hard done to if I wanted to go down that route.

The year before last DH was also a really thoughtless twat on my birthday and I ended up having a pretty miserable day. But by that I mean he actually was a twat and really upset me, not like you who had done loads to try to give your DH a nice day. So I did tell my DH, 'look, you've been really unkind today, and it's not acceptable ever but especially on my birthday, this isn't ok' type thing, made it clear he had some making up to do. But I didn't go out of my way to tear him to pieces or remind him at every bloody turn (he did know he had some serious making up to do when it came to my birthday last year!), and most importantly I didn't let our DC see me being an ungrateful, miserable sod - I made sure she saw me being happy on my birthday, I made sure I was pleasant to my in laws who called in to see me on the day, and I was grateful for the nice things that DID happen even if I was pissed off with DH's inexplicably shit attitude all day.

I just don't think I could look at my DH the same way again if he was demanding banners on the door, gushing facebook posts and full blown 'special breakfasts' for his birthday. That's something you do for children, not grown adults. And to be pissed off that his kids sometimes get more on their birthdays than he does e.g. the pancakes - I can't understand that mindset I only ever want the absolute best and most for my DD, I can't imagine resenting it because she gets a special pancake stack with a candle for her birthday breakfast every year and I don't. It's not just the ingratitude and entitlement I'd find off putting, it's WHAT he actually wants - like he wants to be a special pampered prince for the day and that he's competitive with his own bloody children over it, just yuck!

He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

The only appropriate one would say

Congratulations! I've changed the locks, your stuff is in the garage.

Is he turning 5?

Your husband doesn't want to be married to you, instead of having a grown up conversation and quitting he's acting like a total jerk so you dump him because he doesn't want to do it and look like the bad guy. I'm amazed at the fact you're not seeing the obvious.

People treat you how you allow them to.

So stop.

Tell him his behaviour is totally unacceptable as well as being totally predictable. A dreadful example to your children. Say in future you feel like not doing anything for father's Day or his birthday since it makes no difference anyway. Going forward tell him you will give him one warning and one warning only when he starts to behave like this. After that you will take the children out and put everything you have bought and prepared straight in the bin. You will only return once he apologizes. And mean it