DH behaved horribly on his birthday

You are concentrating on leaving your lovely house, but you are being abused, this house is a way out to protect you and your children. But you move in and you get your life sorted, take a year or two, then you can look for house swaps, or get in a better financial position so you can rent somewhere in your village. This is temporary, once you are out and safe you have your whole life ahead of you to get back to where you want to be

If I were you OP I'd fight to stay in your current property rather than give it up for a grotty,cold old build property.
The garden looks awful and will need so much work,then inside the property you will need to spend a lot of money to get it looking cosy,plus its in a rough area.I really think you'll regret it if you do.
Fight to get him out and you and your kids stay where you are x

Why are people still responding to the first post without reading the rest of the thread? It is such an irritating thing to do on any thread, but this one has moved far, far beyond the issue with the husband's reaction to his birthday.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, READ THE FULL THREAD (OR AT LEAST THE OP'S POSTS) BEFORE COMMENTING.

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

@RainbowStripedI think you were wise to accept the house. It can be a lovely home for you and your children. I know that leaving will be emotionally difficult for you, and you may well have times when you worry you've done the wrong thing. But it is always right to leave an abusive relationship. You are doing a very brave thing.

Don't underestimate the benefits of living in a house where you don't have to walk on eggshells and someone isn't abusing you.

When I look back now to how our home used to feel I can't believe I used to put up with it. You are doing the right thing by giving your DC a safe and healthy home. They will still experience the toxic behaviour when they have contact with their father but they will no longer be immersed in it 24/7. That is priceless.

@RainbowStriped

Once again, as with the garden, you need to picture 'with him/without him' for the house too.

You can live in a peaceful and calm home that needs some work and be happy or you can live in a tense and stressed home that doesn't and be unhappy. Again, I know which I would choose.

And although you say he's 'not as bad as he was', it's still bad enough that you don't want to put up with him anymore. For your own sake, don't minimize his behaviour or your unhappiness in order to justify staying. If you don't want to leave the new build and would prefer to put up with his bullying and abuse for the sake of staying there, then admit it: "I'd rather stay and be miserable than leave and be happy". It's a choice other women have made, but they pay a price for it in sorrow and unhappiness. But hey, they've got a 'nice' roof over their heads. It's not a choice that I would make. I'd rather eat beans in a bedsit than dine on filet mignon in a mansion with a man like that.

Is this really what women accept these days? OMG

He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Sorry OP but all I thought when I read that was ‘imagine having to have sex with a ‘man’ who’s upset that a bday banner wasn’t put up on the front door’ !!!!!!!

OMFG . Today is my birthday. My mum is having work done on her house. I have done 5 tip runs and 4 charity shop runs. I got a flat battery and fixed it. I took my 23 year old to the burns clinic as she had an epileptic sieuzue which resulted in horrific burn. I got on with life and enjoyed my birthday for 10 minutes. We are adults. I dont expect a party with party bags. Get a bloody grip. Shit happens

Op , leaving out of the blue is brutal. I had to do it. I left while he was at work , I had to go to family court that day to get a document to stop him taking the children from me (he'd threatened this if I left) then I had to lie about being out for evening with the kids so that he could be served those papers. But you know what? I had no choice. It was either that or keep losing more of myself to his abuse if I stayed. I regret nothing I did that day , it didn't have to be that way but he wasn't going to change. I'd begged for years.

You must leave op. You'll be fucking terrified , but you'll get it done and you'll be happy to be away.

@RainbowStriped - A frivolous point, perhaps, but I know it matters to you.

I love my garden. I spend most of my evenings out there in the summertime: it's a space I value. For me, the garden in the second image blows that of the first one right out of the water. It's lovely. No - it really is.

Some people would give their right arm for those mature shrubs and trees at the bottom. Their cover will give you a lot of privacy. You have a beautiful - and large! - silver birch there, do you know how lucky that is? I've planted silver birches in my own garden, as I think they're about the most beautiful trees the UK has. The ivy is good, too, provided you don't let it take over. (It doesn't kill trees, which is a popular garden myth).

Real grass beats astro turf any day. I'd start by reseeding that, and get a small mower if you don't have one. That's reasonably cheap and easy to do.

The fencing is, admittedly, ugly (but the stone wall under it is beautiful). I'd try to get the grant to replace that. The concreting at the back looks like the foundation for a former shed - I'd try to pave over the top of that with reclaimed pavers. It would be a great place for some garden furniture and a fire pit in the summer. I'd take the rest of the other half-formed path up, regrass, and instead dot stepping-stones across the lawn to the back patio (cheaper than trying to lay new paths, and look just as good). After that, one or two garden ornaments and string up some fairy lights - there are lots of trees as anchors for these! Then add a couple of well-placed garden ornaments and/or planters.

Mature gardens are a real selling point in properties. You can make gradual changes rather than all at once, but even small ones could make a big difference very quickly. Get a bird feeder! Those trees would be a haven for wildlife and you might be amazed at what comes, even in the city.

There's so much to work with here that I'd opt for the latter garden over the former one any time.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes it’s brutal, but your prevarication helps no one other than your DH. It helps him abuse you all, doing untold damage to your DC. They will be learning to accept this is what relationships are like. They might well grow up to behave like him, or you. Or of course he may kill you , or worse in the meantime.

If you want to stay without him in your house then you need to make it happen. I and others have advised, many of us have been there, and done it. You can too. If you want to.

OP I too have followed your story and wish you courage and future peace. When you describe your husband’s behaviour it sounds very extreme and utterly horrible. Surely the priority is to protect both you and your DC from future abuse and damage. He sounds as though he wishes harm to you so you need to be safe and live with peace of mind.

I far prefer the photo of the new to old garden. It looks way more natural and with more space. Surely children would prefer that to plastic grass? Don’t be daunted. You can learn about gardening and all look after it and enjoy it together. It doesn’t matter if it looks unkempt - better for nature anyhow. maybe your family will help as nearby or maybe you will make new friends who will help. Perhaps there are local volunteers or charities who help with a move like this with a disabled child or fleeing DA? Sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith and then good things come into the space. It must be so very hard to decide on your own.

It is natural to grieve the good things about your old life and your children’s earlier years, but they will make new connections, friendships and memories and find new meaning and activities nearer to hand. Lots of children have to move because of parents’ jobs, divorce, life events. They will adapt and hopefully without the constant fear of walking on a knife edge you will all have energy to create a lovely new life. May you all live well.

Surely he must also behave badly at other times? I doubt someone could see no issue in behaving like this if they are normally well behaved. I’d of walked off personally so you have way more patience than me. I just had a milestone birthday and I was thrilled to have a meal out with family. I don’t know any adult that insists on their birthday being such an event.

He sounds depressed.

Yes only one option for you - you won't leave sadly. You need to get support from women's aid ie counselling - he will kick off again - I put my children first and left.

That garden will be amazing when.its been sorted. Much better than the teeny one you've got. Just need a Gardner to sort it.

There's no reason you can't have a trampoline.

That’s an interesting thought from @Mumofoneandone have you spoken in depth to your housing association and discussed your son’s needs. have you fully explored all alternative accommodation, the one you’ve been offered did have a big list of disadvantages.
I do agree you need to be away from your husband but I don’t think you should rush into this decision. you say you will lose your points if you refuse but have you clearly discussed with the council your children’s needs. It seems ridiculous that they can just turf you off the list when the property they have offered is so unsuitable.

You've made the decision to split with your husband - well done.
The property you are being offered doesn't sound great - (especially when you have a properly adapted house for your youngesters). It is such a big decision for you to make alone - is it possible to ask your mum to come and look at it with you to help with your decision.
Also, if your soon to be ex is on a reasonable salary, is he really 'entitled' to be in a HA property? Especially one designed for a family/adapted for a specific need. Could you check with the HA about that.
Also, if he has to leave the property, then it is his actions that have led to it, not yours.

are you married to a grown up child?
unbelievable behaviour!!
put him on the naughty step for a few weeks!

OP this is a very long thread and you've had tons of advice.
All I can add is that as soon as you started to explain about his behaviour around his birthday, and the background with his father, along with mentions of other abuse, my thoughts went straight to a personality disorder. I'm not a psychiatrist, or anything of that nature, however I have lived through this myself and can relate to exactly what you are describing. I am undoubtedly older than you and have now been married twice. The first time to a sociopath, second one had an emotionally unstable personality disorder, extreme ADHD, and I suspect bi-polar into the bargain as well. The difficulty with both of them was that they were both extremely engaging (and yes funny), when not having a (usually verbally) violent outburst.
The common denominator for PD's is having abuse or trauma during childhood and a disproportionate fear of rejection. This would fit the bill around the birthdays/father's day etc... it is diagnosed on the mental health DSM scale via mental health services and the outlook is bleak. A form of therapy called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) seems to be the only form of therapy that is used and that's if the person actually wants help. Also they have to be self harming, and my exH didn't do that. He only went to a few sessions then said the person trying to help him was awuls/didn't like him (rejection there and there), and he discharged himself. This is a common pattern. They look for rejection in everything and you can NEVER make them happy. I can remember birthdays that I arranged weekends away with our best friends joining us for a surprise meal, and all he could say when I told him was "I"m not sure whether I want them to come" ... I mean wtaf... His moods and temper went from 0-100 in a split second. There were many incidents in our household and he was able to control it enough to never do it in front of my DC or his DD. I ended it finally when he called me a c*. My pride just kicked in and that was it. My gut had been telling me for ages to leave him, and ten years down the line I am free and have never been happier, but most of all, I protected my children from the damage that relationship would have undoubtedly caused.
I am still close to Dsd and she still has to endure his moods and outbursts but is in the medical field now herself and so she does have some understanding of the difficulties her father has.
I wouldn't consider myself damaged, I am a survivor, as are you; you will undoubtably go though a grieving period. We all do. I do know that for myself, I will never, ever, share my home again, never make myself vulnerable in that way. I am lucky enough to have two very stable adult DC, now living independently and I adore my life with my 2 dogs and a cat and the peace they bring.
Your own personal pain in leaving this man and your new build, is nothing compared to the pain of knowing you have damaged your children should you stay with him. I wish you bravery and luck moving forward.

Having read your threads take the house.
I was expecting a horror story garden and it’s not.
What is a horror story is the abuse this man has subjected you to and which your children have observed.
Forget about living in a shiny house with a neat garden - it’s no prize if what is going on in that house is abusive.
And it is abusive.
If you leave you might need to make do with a shabby kitchen but your children will watch you breathe. It is storing up future issues for them if they watch their mother being treated the way you have been.
He might tip up with generous gifts or be ‘ok’ now and again but that’s the cycle of abuse for you.
Yes, it will mean change, but make the change. Over time you can work on a property or move to another one. It’s not your forever home, but it is a place of safety.
If he was any kind of decent man, who was just aware his marriage was ending, he would move out but he’d never going to do that.
Your posts haven’t been the most extreme in terms of abuse but this man treats you, and his own children, with absolute contempt.
Embrace the pebble dash for a bit and go and live without walking on eggshells. You have been ground down. Now it’s time to build something for you and your children.
You sound like a lovely mum and a great friend, too.

Also when you do leave that environment the relief is so huge. It’s easy to remind yourself about the nice moments, when you’re in it, but once your body understands that you don’t have to be afraid any more, it’s life changing.