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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:03

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:58

No no no no NO!!!!!

Please stop "diagnosing" these people!!! Do you not see how dangerous this is in itself?!

This man has threatened to urinate on his wife's clothes as "punishment". He has called her vile and rotten to the core. He is abusive and horrible to his children.

Autism or not, he is an abuser.

Please see later post after more was posted and I realised it was not just a one off linked to his birthday!

I am unfortunately well aware that it’s abuse.

The original post really screamed out that it was specific to birthday and the behaviour does scream autism. OP confirmed she suspects he’s autistic.

The rest, yes it’s just abuse. This isn’t about a birthday. My original comment was related to what seemed to be an isolated set of very strange, anxious behaviour around a particular event (his birthday). I didn’t realise the OP has posted reams of other posts and is keeping her children in an abusive home with an abusive person. I just thought her husband was being really, really weirdly about his birthday.

StandFirm · 06/02/2025 11:03

Just saw the other posts and need to amend my previous post. There is no healthy future with this guy.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:03

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:01

I am posting a lot, I apologise. It’s my only form of support and advice at the moment until I break free.

But there is no support or advice anyone can offer if you choose to stay. You know that right?

Everyone is saying (on this and all your previous posts) that you need to get out. You have contacted Womens Aid. You know you are being abused. And your children are too.

What else can we say?!?!

Nottodaythankyou123 · 06/02/2025 11:03

Justalittlehandhold · 06/02/2025 09:35

Make sure next birthday of his, you’re separated.

I don’t think I’ve ever read of an adult acting so unbelievably ungrateful or rude.

This. Not usually a fan of LTB but my god what awful behaviour from a supposedly grown man. It’s modelling terrible behaviour for your kids and is so incredibly unappealing. I cringed reading it.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 06/02/2025 11:03

What a child 🙄🤨😌

Burntt · 06/02/2025 11:02

Re autistic. Maybe he is but that's no excuse. Perhaps excusable if he hasn't been told the impact he has on others but once that is explained he can't use autism as an excuse.

I'm autistic and I absolutely hate autism being used as an excuse to treat others badly. Yes things may be harder with autism but that doesn't make a person abusive in itself

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 06/02/2025 11:02

More fool you and everyone else for pandering to it.

I'd be booking a hotel and taking myself off somewhere. The only thing he'd have got off me was a note telling him I wasn't there because he uses his birthday to act like a dickhead each year and this year he'd have to do it alone. People pull stunts like this because they get away with it.

Devilsmommy · 06/02/2025 11:02

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:00

For Fucks Sake.

We'll see you back again Fathers Day 2025 OP.

My previous posts were sympathetic but honestly I give up.

Don't apologise for posting, that's what it's for. But really, you do need to protect your children from this arsehole

PennyApril54 · 06/02/2025 11:01

I think you need to have a serious chat with him about how he is on his birthday and the impact this so called 'black hole' is having and will continue to have on his family.
Ok so his dad doesn't bother with him, that's a shame but also the case for many people, and it sounds like he has a lot of people who care and celebrate him so why is he letting that one negative relationship set the tone of the day? He needs to get a grip.
His own children will remember how he sulked on his birthdays and made everyone feel shit for a problem that none of them had caused. To use a mumsnet expression 'he needs to give his head a wobble '.

MsPavlichenko · 06/02/2025 11:01

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:43

I was proud of them for seeing how awful their father’s behaviour was and for calling him out on it.

Yes, it’s good they saw it for what it was. But you know it’s still damaging them, and you tolerating it will suggest that it’s acceptable in relationships. Who knows how that will play out for them in the future. It might be their partners on here twenty years on.

Don’t kid yourself it is ok as he only does it a few times a year. It’s not. Abuse is abuse however seldom it happens. You presumably would not accept this from your DC, I have no idea why you are from him. You’ve normalised completely unacceptable behaviour, and every day you stay it damages you all.

Please look up the Freedom Programme, and do it, it should be taught in schools in my opinion.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:01

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:00

Right now I am stuck unfortunately. I have no where to go. It could well be another year until I’m able to leave for good. If I had somewhere to go I would leave much sooner.

I am posting a lot, I apologise. It’s my only form of support and advice at the moment until I break free.

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:00

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:53

Interesting. I do think he might be autistic.

For Fucks Sake.

We'll see you back again Fathers Day 2025 OP.

My previous posts were sympathetic but honestly I give up.

Crunchymum · 06/02/2025 11:00

I just saw the other thread.

Jeez @RainbowStriped this was just over a week ago.

And now birthday-gate.

Send him back to his mums for good. Model to your children that they don't have to put up with this shit. Protect them from this emotionally abusive man.

OneTwinklyPlumBeaker · 06/02/2025 11:00

Is he 6?

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:00

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:48

@RainbowStriped

Sorry but this is not funny. At all.

Last year you were asking for advice on how to leave your abusive husband and had contacted Women's Aid with a plan to get out. He was calling you horrendous names, threatening to throw stuff at you and piss on your clothes.

8 months on and you are posting jokey comments about leaving him to go for a spa day.

You are completely overlooking how serious it is and how dangerous this could end up being for you and your children if you don't leave.

I get that you probably don't want to face up to reality so think if you can make light-hearted comments about it, then you can brush off the seriousness of the situation. But you need to face it. Now. For your children's sake

Right now I am stuck unfortunately. I have no where to go. It could well be another year until I’m able to leave for good. If I had somewhere to go I would leave much sooner.

OP posts:
Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:00

Having now read the other links etc.

Leave him, leave him, leave him.

Kind regards, from someone whose mum never did and as an adult has to live with the trauma it caused for the rest of her life.

(He is autistic, but it wasn’t just his birthday, it was all the time. And from the links posted, yours is too.)

WhenTheyComeForYou · 06/02/2025 10:59

I’d be asking family to contact him directly to ask why he was behaving like that. He’s trying to make you feel shit - what a f*ing arsehole.

Im not sure I could forgive that. How awful for you and your kids especially.

dothehokeycokey · 06/02/2025 10:59

Fuck me
Op

What a dick your h is.

I'm glad the kids pulled him up on his shitty behaviour.

I would say to him now it's not his birthday that you are livid and embarrassed by the way he behaved and even his family asked what his problem was it was that embarrassing.

I would then tell him that's the last birthday you plan or do anything for for him and that if that's a deal breaker for him then he can frig off because I literally would not put up with that

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:58

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 10:52

I am not jumping to neurodivergence on a whim, but this is VERY typical of autism, according to the many, many, support groups I’m in. The whole thing just jumped out at me - and it’s apparently common in adults too.

The behaviour is mind blowingly ridiculous but it does make me wonder?

No no no no NO!!!!!

Please stop "diagnosing" these people!!! Do you not see how dangerous this is in itself?!

This man has threatened to urinate on his wife's clothes as "punishment". He has called her vile and rotten to the core. He is abusive and horrible to his children.

Autism or not, he is an abuser.

Nothatgingerpirate · 06/02/2025 10:57

Autistic, of course, poor him.
Fuck that.
I'm autistic and never behaved similarly, even as a toddler.
Masked to survive 😡

Newlywedgal · 06/02/2025 10:57

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

Sounds lile my vile narcissistic mother
luckily husbands are easier to divorce than a first degree relative

Grammarnut · 06/02/2025 10:57

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:24

Yes he always kicks off around his birthday or Father’s Day. I remember one year I bought him one very expensive gift and a few smaller gifts. I could see him looking at the pile like it was so small, I think he actually said there’s not much there. I had to explain that it would make sense when he opened it.

Another year - arguments before the day itself, he called me a horrible name. I was still upset on the day but made the effort. 30 minutes before his organised meal in the evening he refused to go as I had ruined his day and he couldn’t just sit there pretending everything was ok. Had to cancel and pretend he was ill.

Why didn't you go without him? Serve him right and teach a good lesson. He is not the centre of the universe.

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 10:57

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:53

Interesting. I do think he might be autistic.

It’s the build up that is apparently the worst, and that’s what screams out to me from the way you have described it. Everything needing to be ‘perfect’ and it comes across as utterly pathetic and infantile, like a child.

My advice would be to just say to him, now it’s over, it’s unhealthy for the level of stress you put everyone under on and around your birthday. Going forwards, let’s only mark the children’s birthdays. Then stick to it.

Disclaimer - ONLY if this behaviour is around just his birthday. If he has you like this all of the time, please just leave and get out.

Heronwatcher · 06/02/2025 10:56

This needs nipping in the bud.

I’d be tempted to cancel the buffet thing and/ or not attend.

I’d also be saying that since it caused so much disappointment on both sides this year it might be better if you just agree he has a budget of x and he can orchestrate his own birthday next year. You will do your own and the kids. Ditto Christmas and Father’s Day. Tell him if he wants people to do nice things for him he needs to show some manners at the very least.

Honestly though he sounds like a massive baby, I would find this very off putting if it’s a reflection of him generally.

feelingfree17 · 06/02/2025 10:56

Very controlling and manipulative behaviour from this man child. Nothing could ever be enough, and he clearly enjoys creating this scene and seeing you turn yourself inside out. You cannot control what he does/says, but you can control the way you respond to it.

Let him know you are utterly disgusted with the way he behaves, and distance yourself from him over the weeks ahead whilst you seriously consider your future with him. I would most definitely be showing him what “doing nothing for him” really looks like. Concentrate on you and your children.
Good to see you are raising appreciative children, who unfortunately have to witness their father’s pathetic behaviour.