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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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8
LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 11:16

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:33

He treats me well on my own birthday but there’s a pattern of him behaving badly around his own birthday.

Based on this update @RainbowStriped - what I would say to him is the following:
"DH - I am letting you know now, that for any future birthday you want celebrating for you (the kids & I are unaffected by this) - I will need to know the following ahead of time or there will be zero effort put in to celebrating your birthday based on how you behaved on X day last week-

  1. do you want breakfast in bed or not
  2. Do you want lunch out or not
  3. Do you want X or not
  4. Do you want Y or not
  5. Do you want Z or not
  6. Insert your own questions at this point
You are setting a terrible example of throwing a tantrum when things don't go the way you expected they would in your head but in real life. Our kids are after seeing their adult father behaving like a toddler throwing a tantrum when things didn't go the way they were expecting. I can't know how you were expecting things to go because you always go on like this and you simply cannot shift the goal posts at the last minute (use the example of him not normally having breakfast here). What have you got to say about it?"

He probably doesn't like the concept that he's a year older, a year closer to retirement, a year closer to popping his clogs but it happens to every one of us so he'd better learn to deal with it sooner rather than later and put on a better face next year or you simply won't bother acknowledging his birthday at all!

eremition · 06/02/2025 11:15

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:10

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? If the answer is no then you have absolutely no clue how difficult it can be to finally break free especially when coercive control and emotional abuse are involved. Honestly I would walk out right now if I had anywhere to go but I don’t and he won’t leave either.

So a buffet it is then. Good luck. Don’t forget his banner and balloons. Maybe a crown too. Or he might piss on your clothes.

Conniebygaslight · 06/02/2025 11:14

If this post is real, it's nothing short of outrageous....how can you possibly accept that behaviour and say he's ok usually?

Saggyknickers · 06/02/2025 11:14

What a gigantic arse. I cannot even comprehend....madness!

It sounds made up it's so bonkers.

I'm betting he's an absolute wanker a lot of the time.

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:14

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:13

He doesn’t get to say that.

Please call a solicitor today. You don’t need women’s aid, you need a solicitor.

Stop posting on forums, stop traumatising your children.

CALL A SOLICITOR. They WILL help you.

Sorry, I mean Women’s Aid will be a great help with Freedom Programme, talking etc.

But to deal with this practically, they can’t do that. You need a solicitor and you need one today.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 11:14

Waiting to leave is one thing. Failing to appreciate the impact the dynamic is having on your children, and fucking around bending over backwards for birthday celebrations is another. The least you can do, and probably the most important thing that you can do to help you're children is to show them that you know and understand that things are very bad, they feel awful because they are awful, you understand what they are going through, and you are doing your best to get a more peaceful safe home set up.

And then truly do that. Not dance around with balloons and banners.

If you cannot do this, get help, until you can.

Look up cognitive dissonance. Your children are behaving one way, because they are hard wired to keep themselves safe even when everything around them is going to shit. This is nothing to be proud of.

You are not coping, you need support so you can help them. If you need advice on how to get help, how to get out safely, how to best help and protect your children post away.

NoTouch · 06/02/2025 11:13

I would have no patience for that. I would have told him at breakfast to stop acting like a child and let me know when he was out of his stupid mood and left him to it. Told him if he was going to be in a mood all day to cancel meeting his family later. I wouldn't have been pandering to it and trying to "fix" whatever was going on in his head.

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:13

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:11

I do have the number for a solicitor experienced in EA/DA. I need to phone them for advice. He’s told me he won’t be the one to leave. It would have to be me.

He doesn’t get to say that.

Please call a solicitor today. You don’t need women’s aid, you need a solicitor.

Stop posting on forums, stop traumatising your children.

CALL A SOLICITOR. They WILL help you.

Devilsmommy · 06/02/2025 11:13

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:03

Please see later post after more was posted and I realised it was not just a one off linked to his birthday!

I am unfortunately well aware that it’s abuse.

The original post really screamed out that it was specific to birthday and the behaviour does scream autism. OP confirmed she suspects he’s autistic.

The rest, yes it’s just abuse. This isn’t about a birthday. My original comment was related to what seemed to be an isolated set of very strange, anxious behaviour around a particular event (his birthday). I didn’t realise the OP has posted reams of other posts and is keeping her children in an abusive home with an abusive person. I just thought her husband was being really, really weirdly about his birthday.

I'm sorry but no, he's not autistic, he's just a complete abusive twat. Saying it's autism is just an excuse to try and justify the behaviour.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:12

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:10

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? If the answer is no then you have absolutely no clue how difficult it can be to finally break free especially when coercive control and emotional abuse are involved. Honestly I would walk out right now if I had anywhere to go but I don’t and he won’t leave either.

I haven't been in an abusive relationship thankfully. However I had a neighbour who was. She stayed and stayed "for the kids" and because she said she had "nowhere else to go".

She left it too late sadly and never got chance to leave.

I don't mean to scare you OP but these are the consequences you may well end up facing if you don't act and protect yourself and your children.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:11

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:10

If he’s your husband, you get yourself to a solicitor TODAY.

They will make an ex parte application for a non molestation order (so he can’t contact you) and an occupation order (stopping him coming to the house).

In a few weeks he will get a chance to defend it, but in the interim, if you and your kids have been subjected to abuse, it should be granted.

I do have the number for a solicitor experienced in EA/DA. I need to phone them for advice. He’s told me he won’t be the one to leave. It would have to be me.

OP posts:
sugarapplelane · 06/02/2025 11:11

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:26

I was close to walking out. Honestly I was dreading that meal and just wanted the day to be over with. He said just now that he felt like me and the children were making fun of him/laughing at him calling him ungrateful. He sees absolutely no fault in how he behaved.

So how are you going to manage this going forwards. He behaves like this every year, so what are you going to do differently next year? Go away a few days before his Birthday, go and stay with a Family member or something. Get him therapy to get to the root cause of his problems or LEAVE HIM

AnotherDayAnotherIdea · 06/02/2025 11:11

He sounds like Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate factory. A bad egg.

Is he always like this on his birthday?

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:11

eremition · 06/02/2025 11:05

Abuser and autistic. The only thing they have in common is that both start with an A.

It explains the bizarre behaviour. It doesn’t excuse it or make it acceptable.

GCAcademic · 06/02/2025 11:10

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:08

You can leave.

Your kids’ lives will be better for it.

I was raised in a situation like this because it was believed that a nice home and a ‘stable family’ was better than being raised by a single parent with little money.

Trust me, it was not.

Your children will hate you. Not right now, when they’re kids in survival mode. Maybe not when they’re 18/19/20. But my god, when they have their own children and think to themselves that they’d do anything to protect them etc….it will dawn on them that that’s something that nobody ever did for them.

I am speaking from experience.

100%. That was my childhood too.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:10

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:05

I am planning to leave, I have nowhere to go until I’m offered a property. For the time being I’m stuck.

Sorry but as others are saying, you are just making excuses. You will be rehoused (albeit maybe temporarily to begin with) if you are being abused.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? If the answer is no then you have absolutely no clue how difficult it can be to finally break free especially when coercive control and emotional abuse are involved. Honestly I would walk out right now if I had anywhere to go but I don’t and he won’t leave either.

OP posts:
Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:10

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:05

I am planning to leave, I have nowhere to go until I’m offered a property. For the time being I’m stuck.

If he’s your husband, you get yourself to a solicitor TODAY.

They will make an ex parte application for a non molestation order (so he can’t contact you) and an occupation order (stopping him coming to the house).

In a few weeks he will get a chance to defend it, but in the interim, if you and your kids have been subjected to abuse, it should be granted.

Redfred00 · 06/02/2025 11:09

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:05

I am planning to leave, I have nowhere to go until I’m offered a property. For the time being I’m stuck.

@RainbowStriped you need to get out. Go into a refuge. It will be shit but less shit than living with this wanker.

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:08

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:00

Right now I am stuck unfortunately. I have no where to go. It could well be another year until I’m able to leave for good. If I had somewhere to go I would leave much sooner.

You can leave.

Your kids’ lives will be better for it.

I was raised in a situation like this because it was believed that a nice home and a ‘stable family’ was better than being raised by a single parent with little money.

Trust me, it was not.

Your children will hate you. Not right now, when they’re kids in survival mode. Maybe not when they’re 18/19/20. But my god, when they have their own children and think to themselves that they’d do anything to protect them etc….it will dawn on them that that’s something that nobody ever did for them.

I am speaking from experience.

eremition · 06/02/2025 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:07

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:03

But there is no support or advice anyone can offer if you choose to stay. You know that right?

Everyone is saying (on this and all your previous posts) that you need to get out. You have contacted Womens Aid. You know you are being abused. And your children are too.

What else can we say?!?!

You are all offering excellent advice, I am grateful and I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself and over-posting. It helps to have a record of his bad behaviour too and it does make me feel less alone whilst I wait to leave.

OP posts:
RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:05

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:03

But there is no support or advice anyone can offer if you choose to stay. You know that right?

Everyone is saying (on this and all your previous posts) that you need to get out. You have contacted Womens Aid. You know you are being abused. And your children are too.

What else can we say?!?!

I am planning to leave, I have nowhere to go until I’m offered a property. For the time being I’m stuck.

OP posts:
eremition · 06/02/2025 11:05

Abuser and autistic. The only thing they have in common is that both start with an A.

Sneezeless · 06/02/2025 11:05

From your previous threads about him why are you still with this abusive cunt?