DH behaved horribly on his birthday

God love you OP.
It genuinely is so awful for children to be around this.
It reminds me of my late father who spoiled every happy occasion with his narcissism.
As soon as adulthood hit he was excluded as was my mother who excused him.

They missed every happy moment in my life for 30 years as I deliberately excluded them.

I am so sorry for you and your children.
Don't defend his behaviour.
Spell it out to them every time.
Tell them, "I'm so sorry kids, Dad behaved really badly and ruined that special time we were having, it was very wrong of him".....I guarantee you, you will be preparing them for the split, when it comes, and they will fully understand why.

Bless you and them.

What the hell have I just read !
I don’t know what you are going to do about this but I think I’d start by saying “I will
be doing nothing for your birthday moving forward “ finished done and I will be telling the people who made any effort to buy for you or a company you for your birthday not to bother as you are a dick .

You cannot facilitate his behaviour that nobody would put up with for a small child.

Why are you still with him?

Yes, he tends to do that in the morning when getting the kids ready, will do a job completely unrelated to what really needs to be done in the moment.
He just came up to me and said with a smile - are you going to apologise for the way you’ve treated me? Are you going to say sorry?

can’t go into too much detail here but to give some idea - at the time I posted for advice and a couple of comments said it was one of the worst things they had ever read on Mumsnet.
It was related to how he was speaking to and about our youngest who had recently been diagnosed with a life long intellectual (severe) disability. I also didn’t feel safe around him and felt like he would snap and hurt either himself, one of us or do something very stupid. He said he had a mental breakdown but the things he said about our child were so awful and unforgivable. He also threatened to put our child into care. I didn’t take lightly “kicking him out” I really did not feel safe around him and his behaviour was erratic.

These are posts from one of the OP's other threads.

He sounds fucking unhinged. Get out asap, seriously. He's deliberately trying to send you round the bend - it's utterly insidious.

If anyone spoke about my child in that way it would be the last time they ever had that opportunity.

I know you're scared OP and you feel like you don't have options but seriously, this man sounds dangerous. You need to speak to a solicitor or womens aid about your rights.

Absolutely not.
However the post (which I can’t delete unfortunately) was in response to the impression that a normally lovely man went completely off the rails one day of the year, in a way that makes absolutely no sense but does totally align with the way a lot of autistic - specifically PDA - people behave on birthdays according to the lived experience of them and their carers.

Op sorry to be so anal but surely the family already know you are doing a party in a few days... surely they are invited so why are the family asking if they already know 🤔

Fucking hell, you've got the patience of a saint. I'd have walked out for the day after the breakfast moaning. I CERTAINLY wouldn't have been laying out gifts and cutting his cake. I was actually cringing at the thought of him sitting there amongst his banners and balloons with crossed arms and a down turned mouth like a overtired 5 year old. I'd have to tell him how much of a twat he looked in front of everyone and how embarrassing it was.
I really hope you manage to leave soon OP. On the plus side, your kids sound great and I'd be so proud of them for telling their dad he was ungrateful. Good for them.

I find that my birthday, Xmas, Mother's and Father's Days all stir up a lot of conflicting and difficult feelings in me, for a range of reasons connected to family issues and dynamics as well as my feelings about myself. So I definitely get that these can be loaded and challenging days.
However, I have a wonderful DP and friends who like to celebrate me on my birthday, and some family who send cards/call me etc, and when anyone gives me a card/present, or sends a nice message, or phones, I've always been polite and grateful and told them thank you and how lovely etc. I have in the past kept my birthday very quiet, asked my DP if we can only do something extremely low-key etc, but I have never sulked or stropped about it.
Because even though I'm sometimes having a hard time, I'm an adult and I know I'm lucky.
Your husband is an abuser.

"banner on our front door" hahahaha bless him.

There will never be a "good" time to leave an abusive relationship, if you have a plan in place and will be able to save up a specific amount of money in the next six months, a relatives property will be come available for you in nine months, your youngest starts school in September so you'll be able to work and support yourself etc then fair enough. Stay til then and no longer.

But the longer you drift in this the worse your mental and emotional wellbeing will be and the less likely you will be to have the strength and clarity you need to do what you need to do as time goes on.

There is no better time to take action than today. Speak to Womens Aid again about doing this safely, I am sure there are undisclosed factors here that will need taking into consideration and they can help you.

This is such a dysfunctional situation for you and your children, if you can't drag yourself out of the shit please do it for them.

I see autism has been mentioned. A family member, who is autistic, struggles with big events, including their own and other people's. They have learned as an adult how to behave though.
I think there's a vision of how it is going to be/should be, but it is never that way however hard someone tries - or at least this seems the case with our family. They learn that it's just not going to be as hoped over the years and have complete stress then in the build up to it. However, they have to recognise what polite behaviour is, and how to appreciate effort and generally how to behave in society, however hard they may find that. It's also ok to have boundaries and expectations of everyone, autistic, ND, or NT. Don't be afraid to lay this out - your partner's behaviour was rude and appalling - doesn't matter where his stress originated from, it's not acceptable.
If it's hard for him and he's cross then he should have learned this about himself by now and plan to avoid inflicting carp on everyone. He could choose to 'cancel' celebrations, lay out what he is ok with, or go have a mini paddy on his own and away from the people who love him and tried so hard.
I've not seen the other thread but hope you get to leave soon, and it's ok to tell the kids their Dad just can't behave on celebrations, he ruins it for himself too, and they're best ignoring it - and not being like that themselves!

Interesting for me as well. I'm pretty sure my husband is autistic.

His behaviour is pathetic. Do nothing for his birthdays in future (if you can bear to stay with such a person) and remind him of how he acted. Nothing you do will be good enough so save yourself the hassle

What an arsehole.

Op I can hear your desperation within your descriptions.

Don't let him dictate or tell you who leaves etc.
That's just another thing that will make it seem all impossible to face.

It's not up to him.

I can imagine how very hard it is to live in this situation and find any clarity or strength to leave.
That's not including the practical stuff.

Your mental health is going to get worse, and the worse it gets the longer you will be ground down and less able to arrange anything.

I think people are saying, do it, get out.

Give yourself permission to leave.

Literally sit opposite a chair and imagine you are sitting in front of you. Like as if you had a friend sat there.

Tell the 'you' it's ok to make a change.

Honestly flip it to make the thought process clearer for yourself and your well being. It's very hard but try it.

And when you get the feeling that it makes perfect sense then hopefully you'll find more self belief and strength.

Xxx

Just reading half of what you wrote made me so angry, how dare he treat you like this!! My DH got me a moonpig card for my birthday, left me to go to work and we went out for dinner in the evening, I would never expect someone to go to the lengths you have and to continue complaining about all the lovely things you’ve done is unbelieveable. I honestly think i’d consider leaving him.

Aagh I pressed the wrong button, sorry! I don't think I can change it. YANBU

This. I am so so so tired of people suggesting dick head behaviour is ND.

And then wonder why people don't take us seriously when this absolute shit is trotted out on here again and again.

Guess what! Some people are just arseholes. Yes you can be ND and be an arsehole at the same time.

I don't know any ND adult that would act this way at the amount of effort made for this birthday. I would be soooo overjoyed and grateful.

Aww hopefully it's just a phase and hopefully next year when he turns 4 and becomes a big boy he will behave better 🙄 what a big overgrown baby.

Is he like this every year? My husband hates his birthday so I do nothing. I mention not knowing what to buy him a few weeks before and he says he wants nothing. Just before his birthday he will say he's seen something on Amazon so I say I'll order it.

I think he has an issue with another year nearer the grave, he doesn't like new year either. He's fine otherwise and generous with everyone else's birthdays do I just accept he's funny about his birthday.

Your husband sounds equally miserable but nasty with it. Is it worth asking him how he'd actually like to celebrate it?

One thing you can do right now is stop reacting to him. Who cares about his mood. Who cares if he’s off somewhere in a strop or if he is getting angry or disappointed. You stop caring, and you will feel a weight off your shoulders. He will lose his drama queen audience.

This.

Jesus what a brat!

But this suggests neurodivergent people are complete assholes?

So, why haven’t you phoned them? You say you’re biding your time as you prepare to leave - what does that involve? Are you actually doing anything?

• What’s your financial situation? Do you have a job or other income stream?
• Have you checked what (if any) benefits you’re entitled to?
• Do you own your home?
• What family/friends/support network do you have around you?
• How old are your kids? Are they all in school? Are there any additional needs?

If you start a post and give this info, people will be able to give support and guidance on leaving. As opposed to just chatting about how awful he is (as he is awful).