DH behaved horribly on his birthday

Read her posts

Absolutely this! Your money is best used elsewhere!

Of course there is support!

Not everyone can leave Right Now!

But they still need support

@RainbowStriped Please post on Relationships next time. You'll get all the support and advice you need there

This might be an odd suggestion, but has he considered changing his birthday? Obviously not on documents or anything, but changing when he celebrates it?

I have a lot of trauma from my birthdays in my childhood and for years absolutely hated it each year. One year I was done and decided to change it to a date that meant something to me, a date that changed my life for the better. It actually helped.

That said, I've never, and would never, treat my DW the way your DH treated you and I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that crap. He's amazingly lucky to have you 💐

And feel free to carry on.

But include the back story to get proper helpful replies

You're married to a toddler and what an awful thing for your kids to witness.

Get rid of him.

Then put the money you're wasting on him towards your Get Out fund

I don't recall many AIBU polls being so unanimous before - 99%!

OP - I'm either assuming he has some narcissistic traits which make him very demanding like this, or he's very very depressed, or he's picking on you for a reason.

Someone on here once said that men often won't leave their partners. They just become progressively worse until she finally accepts the emotional burden of leaving him, of starting that process.

In the case of families, it's sometimes because they want to split up, but don't want to be seen as the bad guy so they want you to leave them. Hence why in my opinion, the majority if divorces are instigated by the wife filing the paperwork.

Terrible advice, You're encouraging her to continue with her abuser. She needs to get out of this awful marriage and give herself that therapy as a present, heal herself and make sure she doesn't fall for another tw-t. She's been groomed for years into accepting abuse and needs psichological help changing that trauma bond and low self esteem.

You can do it OP.

Don’t. I voted YANBU, but I don’t agree with this characterisation of him at all. He is a very troubled man who requires mental health support.

I wouldn't be there next birthday

I think I remember your post about Father's Day.

Honestly, he's behaved like an absolute cunt and has clearly been allowed to get away with it for far too long.

For the future, I'd be telling him if he can't behave like a normal human being, then he can fuck off alone because that is what he deserves.

PS - my husband was estranged from his mum when we met (she has since died) and his dad has never given him a card let alone a present - he manages to not behave like a bratty little cunt about those disappointment.

Under no circumstances should you show him this or any other thread that you've written about your circumstances.

That is terrible advice.

This is your safe space and you should feel that you can come back here as often as you need to, in order to off-load and decompress.

This is not a good enough reason to stay with him.

You need to be the adult here (because he clearly can't be) and you need to get all of your paper work together (passports/bank statements/birth certs/marriage certs/everything) and then go to a solicitor and file for divorce.

It's not acceptable for your kids to be growing up in a household where their father behaves like this and their mother keeps going back for more. I'm not blaming you at all but you will have to be the one to sever the ties that bind you to this man because he won't.

You'll have to put your fingers in your ears when he starts spouting how you were the one to let the marriage fail. You will know that's wrong and you just have to ignore it and let it go. You will know that you gave it your best shot and it was for the safety (mental and otherwise) of the kids, that you had to end it and that is what you would say to someone if they asked.

What a git.

You should show him this thread and tell him 'By the way, the rest of the world (apart from the incomprehensible 1%) thinks you're a selfish, self-absorbed tosser. Grow up.'

This really. A decent person doesn’t treat someone else who is being loving towards them in the way he’s treated you.

I understand why it's hard to leave, OP. But until you can, you can at least stop hoping to please him. You'll never succeed. Keep what you can of your sanity and dignity, and focus all your energy on getting yourself and your children away from him.

That makes it worse Op, he was close to a diagnosis and hopefully some medical help and he deliberately didn't go back. He prefers to abuse you than try and sort himself out, no excuse for that

What a baby! Don’t most adults work on their birthday?!?

Get a divorce because he isn’t old enough to be married let alone have children

His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

Ok that makes his insecurity and expectation of a shitty birthday understandable, but he can’t be repeatedly setting you up to fail by insisting on “surprises” with no hint to you of what he would like and then using you as an emotional punching bag for his Daddy issues when you fail per his self-fulfilling prophecy.

I would say as much to him and tell him you aren’t having it anymore. It’s a toxic cycle. He needs to

• Get some therapy on his childhood focusing on how it is negatively affecting his relationships with you and the kids. Access it through work or a charity or even a helpline of you can’t afford private.
• From now on, tell you what he would like for his birthday celebrations from presents to meals to outings. That you want him to enjoy his birthday and you keep trying because you do love & care for him but he needs to give you input.

This I would gently try and propose after a bit of therapy discussing his childhood that a big birthday meal with his family might need to be stopped. I think some of his reactions are the stress of it coming up, the pressure to play happy families, the reminder his Dad isn’t there and never cared. He’d be better off deciding on a day trip away with you and the kids - his actual family that has always been there for him then trekking to a family birthday meal that is mostly about keeping up the public appearances.

I saw the Fathers Day thing too, yeah he needs therapy. I grew up with an abusive mum and Mothers Day is difficult for me. I’ve had therapy so I’m not being a twat all day, but I can imagine that a man who had a toxic Dad would need therapy to address all those feelings and be able to overcome them enough to feel he deserves to enjoy Father’s Day instead of sinking into a black hole of grieving the father he should have had.

Why would you spend anymore money on him. You organised the lunch and his buffet and his presents and cards and he was angry

What would be the difference if you spent nothing on him and didn’t organise anything
He would still be angry

So why bother putting yourself out

Does ne hang banners outside for your birthday, does he organise meals out with your family

Does he organise presents and a special breakfast for you?

Honestly op the repeated drip feeds re his mental health and potentially having autism just look like you’re making excuses for him.
This behaviour is not just around birthdays he’s like this all the time. He is abusive, stop looking for excuses and protect yourself and your kids.

He actually sounds like my brother in law. He demands month long birthday celebrations and goes into a sulk if he isn't spoiled. He's a narcissist.