DH behaved horribly on his birthday

Heck, @RainbowStriped Get yourself and the children away from this awful man.

You can do it.

He's a misery guts.

How utterly strange that he has behaved so appallingly.

Wonder why this childish behaviour is triggered by Birthdays and Father's Days?

A throwback to childhood?

Was he the least favoured child?

Wanting banners and balloons as a grown man is very strange indeed.

I'd be so over that kind of behaviour.

If he was a child, people would be saying ''Is he possibly ND?'' that's the usual excuse for bad behaviour, but patience wanes when it's a grown adult.

Maybe next birthday buy him. some bags and tell him to pack them if he's going to be such an arse.

I struggled for years with Mothers Day as I don't have a mum (she abandoned me) but I would never sulk and be an arse. I'd be happy and cheerful for anything I had and when the kids were in bed just take literally a minute or two to think to myself my mum is a bitch.

He can say what he wants but it's not true, if you have a non molestation order against him he will have to leave.

Op I think you should post a new post asking specifically for help on how to get him to leave or how you can get help in the community faster so you can leave sooner.

I get what you're doing, it feels too big to deal with the actual main problem ie your abusive OH so you focus on the more manageable issues, but there are people on here willing able to help you.

I just wanted to say, you sound like a really kind and thoughtful person, with a lot of patience.

You're in a difficult situation. If venting on Mumsnet helps then keep doing it. You shouldn't have to apologise for asking for support if you're going through a hard time. I hope you and your children are able to leave soon.

OP, you’ve said you’ve nowhere to go, have you looked into what benefits you’d be entitled to if you left? Could you private rent with a benefit top up? Do you work? Do you rent or own with your husband?

I just feel like you probably can’t go on like this for another year and probably need to explore leaving sooner.

You know this is abusive behaviour, right?

I simply cannot believe that a man who can behave like this is the ok side of perfectly normal for the rest of the year. Either he's carrying a level of trauma that will spill out in a million other poor relationship behaviours or he's just choosing to be like this on the days around his birthday, which is worse.

Even if he is traumatised, it's not ok. Most abusers carry some trauma. While it's incredibly sad that yesterday's victims become tomorrow's perpetrators, at some point adults become accountable for their own behaviour and there are no excuses. Your children are learning terrible messages from (a) seeing him do this, and (b) seeing you tiptoe around it.

I suspect this whole relationship is rotten but for some reason (which I'm sure is as understandable as it is mistaken) you're not ready to leave. The trouble is that even if 1,000,000 tell you - or your DH - that he's being unreasonable, nothing will change. The only way to change this dynamic is to remove yourself from it.

Normally I would agree with you but this is the OPs (at least) fifth or sixth post since June 2024 about her husband abusing her. Last June she was contacting Women's Aid with a view to leaving.

In the meantime, her children are having to deal with this horrendous and abusive bully in their home.

My point was, there's only so long you can keep posting for advice from others. At some point you need to take action, not just vent to strangers on the internet but continue keeping your children in this toxic and - let's face it - potentially dangerous environment.

He's behaving like a spoiled brat. Please stop being his mummy.

Looks like this may be you from last year? The behaviour is identical and clearly abusive to you and the children. You have wanted to leave for a long time and have nearly ended the marriage a few times. What is stopping you calling time forever? It will be a weight lifted.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5098439-horrible-fathers-day-with-dh?page=1

He may be bipolar, he may be autistic. None of that excuses his abusive behaviour. Why he does it isn’t the point, you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

As I said earlier every day you put up with this damages you and your DC. I know how difficult it is to break free, but it won’t be any easier next month or next year. The reverse in fact. Call Women’s Aid today. Again, the Freedom Programme .

I appreciate that you are planning to leave, but it's Father's Day in June so I would recommend one of two approaches for that celebration:

1. Ask him to write out exactly what he wants on the day. Ask him to provide details. Alternatively take what happened on his birthday and write out a plan for FD based on that. e.g. Pancakes etc for breakfast, banner on the door, exact cake etc. Then provide it and if he kicks off you can point to the list and say I did exactly what you said you wanted. There is obviously no pleasing you, so there will be no more celebrations until you can express some gratitude.
2. Tell him there is obviously no pleasing him, so there will be no more celebrations until he can express some gratitude.

He will kick off, even if do everything the way he wants. He has a unmet need and doesn't know how it can be satisfied. That's on him.

This. He has to own the fact that he’s got serious issues around these days, and deal with them before Father’s Day. I’d make it clear that if he does anything other than smile and show gratitude to his DC and you on Father’s Day, your relationship is over and he will have no one.
My Mum died on Mother’s Day weekend. My DC will never have realised that as I make an effort and get on with it.

You do have places to go.

Women's Aid will help you organise something, anything. Really at this point in time anything and anywhere has to be better than this constant weight on your shoulders along with everything else.

The money issue will fix itself in time.

I don't often say this, in fact I never say this but when someone spouts the line "but I've nowhere to go" I put my head in my hands and I despair. You could go to a friend's house for a night or two. You could go to a hotel for a night or two. The key thing is that you actually GO! You leave. With the kids. And you contact Women's Aid and get their help and support.

I completely get that you are terrified about what will happen next but if you leave, guess what - he has NO control over you any more and you and the kids are no longer under the cloud of his depressive episodes and you can breathe for the first time in ages.

Yeah this ⬆️ massive ick I couldn’t unsee

This is an idea to consider. Depending on if you're staying.
He's missing his own birthday and fathers day.

We changed our wedding anniversary and we now celebrate the day we first met. We also changed Christmas to another date.

Absolutely last resort idea from me due to husband causing problems.
However it has transformed our life. We can have celebrations. He can have a Christmas.
I did this because I knew for sure I'd stay with him.

We've been together decades and he is very unwell mentally. So, very different circumstances to you OP.

Happy birthday @Cocoalover ! I hope you're having an amazing day 🥳🎉🍾🎁

I'd show him exactly what 'fuck all' actually looks like next time.

OP you said he is good on other occasions and good at celebrating your birthday. If he is good the rest of the year it seems a bit unnecessary to leave him and break the family up because he gets triggered on his birthday. If you speak to him after some time has passed would he agree that his behaviour wasn't on and that he wants to change? If so, it's something that therapy could certainly help with. He needs to unpick his childhood trauma and change his mindset. I was shocked to hear that you organised balloons and a banner etc for his birthday btw, maybe you both need to dial it down a bit on birthdays.

What an absolute fucking twat! Him, not you!

I started off giving benefit of the doubt as my husband would absolutely try to brush off a row without getting to the bottom of it by saying let's start afresh etc so I thought it might be something like that - but the more I read the more I thought what a knobhead. I genuinely don't know how you didn't give him a gobfull.

He's an ungrateful man baby. Clearly he has issues around his birthday and so self sabotages them. It's almost like he WANTS a massive celebration but at the same time WANTS to be proven right that he's going to be let down. Clearly the day before will have been him in a bad mood anticipating the day.

He needs therapy. And he needs it fast if he doesn't want to lose you. IF he's a genuinely good man, husband and father except for these occasions (I saw Father's Day mentioned, are there other occasions) AND he's prepared to go to therapy, I would be prepared to forgive the behaviour and offer to help him. If he can't accept he was out of order and needs to work on himself to stop it happening again, I think I wouldn't bother ever again.

You have bigger problems than his birthday nasty piece of work please get some advice on how to get him out

A banner on the front door?? Christ Almighty.

Next year - do not even acknowledge his birthday. Buy him nothing. Say nothing.

Cunt

😂I was actually thinking this can't be true until I read the end where the poor OP said her DH explained the birthday black hole and it reminded me of one year when my DH behaved like a miserable spoilt child opening his presents because his brother hadn't bothered to remember and they have a history of sibling rivalry/issues. So I can actually believe it and OP i can sypathise with how it made you feel. I found it really unattractive (repugnant comes to mind) and we almost came to blows as I ended feeling like I wanted to throw his gifts at him. To be honest I can't imagine a woman behaving like that. It is a very spoiled brat behaviour. My DH apologised after and it hasn't happened since.