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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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PrincessofWells · 06/02/2025 18:35

Just separate - why bother with this crap?

Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 18:26

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Coffeesnob11 · 06/02/2025 18:09

My abusive ex h was like this. I once organised a day out in London including cheese tasting and a three course meal and he complained I didn't feed him enough. We sat in the restaurant in London. He seemed to think I was a mind reader about what he wanted. I picked all the things around his interests and what he had said he wanted to do. I did it once more for a big birthday and then never again. It turned out he was an alcoholic and was probably struggling without so much drink but he was beyond rude and didn't give me any credit for really trying to make things great.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 17:54

outerspacepotato · 06/02/2025 16:27

You've vented about his bad behaviour before. You take him back after short separations. Now he's been "nearly" diagnosed with a mental illness but discontinued seeing the practitioner.

Do you really want out or just to let off steam when he behaves horribly so you can get people commiserating with you and feel a bit better until the next time it happens.

What are you doing to change the situation? Have you made a plan? Are you doing individual therapy? Are your kids? Are you working extra for a deposit on a place? Have you gotten all financial info copied and secured, same with important documents? Divorce papers drawn up?

You say you have no where to go until you're offered a property. How realistic is that?

I definitely want out now, I’ve never had a plan before when we’ve separated for short amounts of time but I have a proper plan now.

I’ve recently attended my first counselling session which is a step in the right direction. I would like for my children to have counselling too but I’m not sure how to go about that and how to access it? I’m currently on the list for a council house and top ten for a few areas. Until I’m offered a place I’m stuck as I’ve nowhere else to go and my husband won’t leave (he’s said during an argument that I can be the one to go next time which is fine but I don’t have the luxury of being able to go and stay with family like he did and he knows this) I’ve been told I should be offered a property by the end of this year, It obviously depends on someone moving out and giving up their council property. I can’t afford to buy or privately rent either.

Unfortunately I know how difficult he would be if I ended things officially now and if we would be stuck living together in the meantime. The only other option is to take it in turns to look after our children in the house while I wait for my own house.

OP posts:
TheWorminLabyrinth · 06/02/2025 17:44

OP, I know it feels like you have to stay and that there is nowhere for you to go, but there are options. They aren't fabulous and they aren't home, but they are safe. I don't know where you are in the country but I have been in emergency accommodation (B&B) and it was honestly nowhere near as bad as I was expecting - and this was over 20 years ago. Above anything else, it was safe. It gives you time to regroup, to gather yourself, to get as much help as you can - and they do help you with that.

Don't listen to his bluster, he won't get to make the decisions once solicitors are involved, but you have to take that first step, you can do it!

Don't show him the thread. Spectacularly bad advice as usual. Don't show a volatile abuser a thread about him. Hmm

TheWorminLabyrinth · 06/02/2025 17:38

Manchesterbythesea · 06/02/2025 14:46

Surely you are talking about your 4 year old and not your dh?

Edited

Seriously, about 100 people have already made this totally unfunny "joke".

If you have nothing useful to contribute it isn't compulsory to post.

NewDogOwner · 06/02/2025 17:29

He wants a banner on the door? Like for an 18th or child's birthday party to let people know where the party is? Tragic.

socks1107 · 06/02/2025 17:01

My dh is estranged from his dd. He has never behaved like his in his own birthday, hers or anyone else's.
I wouldn't be putting much effort in in future as he doesn't appreciate it

ERthree · 06/02/2025 16:39

He wanted you to tell him to fuck off. I would be wanting to know why.

Bogginsthe3rd · 06/02/2025 16:37

You need to tell him you are divorcing him next year on his birthday. This way he will be reminded of the divorce every future birthday. Only downside is you need to spend another year with him.

outerspacepotato · 06/02/2025 16:27

You've vented about his bad behaviour before. You take him back after short separations. Now he's been "nearly" diagnosed with a mental illness but discontinued seeing the practitioner.

Do you really want out or just to let off steam when he behaves horribly so you can get people commiserating with you and feel a bit better until the next time it happens.

What are you doing to change the situation? Have you made a plan? Are you doing individual therapy? Are your kids? Are you working extra for a deposit on a place? Have you gotten all financial info copied and secured, same with important documents? Divorce papers drawn up?

You say you have no where to go until you're offered a property. How realistic is that?

Dappy777 · 06/02/2025 16:07

Jesus, how old was he,12? If my 12-year-old behaved like that I'd tell him it was pathetic and to grow up. But a full grown adult with kids!! omg.

Was he spoiled as a child OP? I have known a couple of people who were spoiled as kids and then expected everyone to praise and pander to them as adults. I actually watched my SIL throw a tantrum on Christmas Day because two people had bought her the same thing. She was 31 at the time. And this was a full tantrum, with stamping feet and protruding lower and lip and folded arms and shouting and tears – the works. Revolting to watch. But her mum and dad had treated her like a little princess all her life, and that was the result.

LovelyDaaling · 06/02/2025 15:52

There's something wrong with him.

Lulabellez · 06/02/2025 15:32

Actually cannot believe I’m reading this about a grown man. Leave him. He needs therapy. You don’t have to put up with this shit.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/02/2025 15:18

He's awful.
Whatever you do, it will never be enough.
Run.

Obscurial · 06/02/2025 15:17

Haven’t read beyond page1, but holy moly. Is this a significant birthday? Like 40? Sounds like he’s gearing up for a mid life crisis, which will no doubt be blamed on you.

He’s acting like a spoilt child and you appear to have taken up the role of Mum.

Get your ducks in a row time I’m afraid, I’m sorry.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 06/02/2025 15:16

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This is a very good point.

@RainbowStriped You should completely ignore his next birthday/father's day, and then when he complains that you haven't got him anything, say, "Oh, sorry, I forgot. I got you this." And hand him divorce papers.

Kdubs1981 · 06/02/2025 15:10

God I ran out of energy half way through the post. Just divorce him

Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 15:08

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Cattery · 06/02/2025 15:07

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 06/02/2025 10:42

I think you are misinterpreting his expectation. He seems to be in a cycle where he expects you to make a fuss/lots of pressie etc. but not in a good way, more like an excuse so he has a reason to shoot you down because in his head, it’s what he would like to do to his Dad, ‘throw it back in his face’ but I guess he never got to do that. He needs serious therapy.

Totally agree. It’s repressed anger at his father

LazyArsedMagician · 06/02/2025 15:01

Also - there's actually nothing wrong with being an adult who enjoys celebrating their own or other people's birthdays. It's actually quite nice to be with someone who showers you with gifts and special meals because they love you and want to show you.

What is wrong, is acting like a brat if you don't get that. Or, like this dude, acting like a brat when you do!

MrsK89 · 06/02/2025 15:01

Wow. Don't bother next time

LazyArsedMagician · 06/02/2025 14:59

I think the positive you can take from this is that others will have seen this dreadful behaviour so it won't be a surprise when you can get away.

AwaitingFreedom · 06/02/2025 14:58

@Cocoalover - Happy birthday and may it be a wonderful day. Treat yourself to flowers, or chocolate, or pizza Flowers

AwaitingFreedom · 06/02/2025 14:55

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:44

You hit the nail on the head there. I really do feel like he’s sending me round the bend. I honestly feel like my mind is unraveling the longer I stay. Sometimes I wish he would just have an affair or worse hit me! because the mind fuckery is so so very insidious.

Then just stop. Learn about grey rocking and dropping the rope. The more you "feed" him with attention the more ammunition he gets to hurt you.

He complains you don't do a big breakfast like you do for the dc - "why would I you don't eat breakfast" Or "you don't do it for me either".

He complains about the amount of presents - oh dear, nevermind, hopefully you will still like them.

Him sulking and not wanting to go out - don't cancel. You and dc can get family time without him. If you were supposed to meet others just say he wasn't feeling well. He can stay at home and cook his own dinner.

When he asks you to jump stop asking how high, and instead just stop jumping.

You cannot change him so you need to change how you react. Grey rocking can bring you peace until you can escape Flowers

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