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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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8
Meadowfinch · 07/02/2025 18:26

Why on earth do you put up with this waste of space.

Just get rid of him. He contributes nothing to your life and sets an appalling example to your children.

fingerbobz · 07/02/2025 18:24

My fanny just grew over

Id rather be single forever than married to a massive man child like him

He sounds like a child with learnjng difficulties

ItWasTheRightThing · 07/02/2025 18:21

This is all so sad, and I knew from the start there must be something really serious behind it, not just a kick off about the husband’s birthday.
Wasn’t happy to discover I was right. :-(

OP I think sadly that you’re getting lots of replies about the birthday thing, which are not helpful. But also kind of expected.

Obviously there’s a much bigger problem here, and you need to get help from professionals and not mumsnet.

i know you’ve had plenty of advice already.
I wish you luck in getting out of this situation ASAP.

Johna69 · 07/02/2025 18:18

What an ungrateful prick he is,so childish,is he like this all the time ?

Newoxonbird · 07/02/2025 18:16

I'm sorry but there's either something going on with him and he's trying to drive you away or pick a massive fight ( could he be having an affair ? ) or he's an supreme twat and a selfish poor excuse for a husband AND father. He was upsetting his kids.
I'd be reading him his fortune .
How the absolute fuck dare he behave like this when you went to so much trouble ?
I'm sorry for you having such a complete wanker for a husband.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2025 18:15

kizzyyy · 06/02/2025 13:54

Seems like his birthday is an emotional trigger for him R.E. his dad and he's projecting that trauma/disappointment on to you. It would be wise for him to seek therapy for this. His behaviour's not fair on you at all! Remember that he's reliving a childhood hurt, it's not personal, and there's nothing you could have done differently.

But if you actually read her posts...

Vynalbob · 07/02/2025 18:15

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

This☝️100%

Blogswife · 07/02/2025 18:15

Was it his 5th birthday Op ?
What a childish controlling tw@t, Why on earth do you indulge him ?

MyRoseBee · 07/02/2025 18:13

Is this a work of fiction?! You know you have to leave him right? You can’t live like that.

saveforthat · 07/02/2025 18:13

I am sorry if this is real op but what grown man wants banners and balloons.

Turquoise123 · 07/02/2025 18:13

Have to say I don’t really understand adults making a fuss about birthdays unless they are the really big ones . It all sounds very tiresome. If he wants specific things on his birthday why can’t he organise it ?

Kitten1982 · 07/02/2025 18:12

MsPavlichenko · 07/02/2025 14:07

All the time you are wasting on thinking, thinking again, posting on stuff like this would be better spent on trying to progress getting away. That stuff about what he said or ate or didn’t is beside the point. Symptoms of the problem. Problem being he is an abuser.

You could get him out, an interdict would keep him away, if he didn’t he can be lifted by the police. WA might not be able to put you in a refuge but they can help with this. I know you want a move, but you can get him out while you wait. A new house won’t in any case stop him being abusive necessarily, that’s why you need legal and other support. Councillors and MPs can help you with piling pressure on the council re this so contact them.

I too have a severely disabled ( now adult ) child, so I understand the extra difficulties, but all the more reason to get the fucker out.

I agree. And I finally got mine out just before my youngest turned 18. I, and my kids, am/are disabled. We were very dependent on him for basic quality of life. So it was hard to get away. But if I’d have had an ounce of power and not been so sick, I would’ve left him when the kids were small. It’s only since I left him that they’ve told me about abusive things he did to them when I wasn’t around (such as the weeks on end I was in hospitals). So if you have kids and you have absolutely any chance to get out of it, do. They only get worse with how they treat you and you might have to live with finding out it stretched to other people, even beyond your family unit.

Lovaduck74 · 07/02/2025 18:12

What is he, five years old? Actually, scratch that, five year olds wouldn't behave that badly!.What a dick!

WillimNot · 07/02/2025 18:06

And you're getting a divorce from this man baby who is jealous of his own children when exactly?

Wow.

What a knob.

141mum · 07/02/2025 18:05

What a pratt

Kitten1982 · 07/02/2025 18:05

rwalker · 06/02/2025 09:32

I couldn’t even engage with shit like that

tbh it’s probably instilled behaviour some parents treat birthdays like the second coming of Christ and these children turn in to adults like this round birthdays

My gran died on my 9th birthday & my birthday then became about my gran every year. My dad punched me in the back in the middle of a shop on my 10th bday for asking if we could get a Sara Lee chocolate gateaux (which cost a quid & we were wealthy). My birthday was never mine again. And that has made me very defensive about having any celebration of my birthday. I don’t know how to respond to gifts. I don’t know how to respond to sweet gestures. I’m not rude but I’m not normal either. So I think that childhood can definitely inform how you are on your birthday, but I think it can also be trauma that might make someone seem like a dick.

Not the OP’s OH though. He’s just a wanker

Mabelthetable · 07/02/2025 18:02

He sounds unbelievably toxic and you should leave before you end up with no self esteem whatsoever. He needs therapy not birthday cake.

BunnyVV · 07/02/2025 18:02

My MIL has form for this kind of thing.
my husband will slip into similar behaviour when triggered by events. It’s a trauma bond to how his mother used to act when he was a child. It’s weird - they repeat the behaviour they hated as a child because their bodies and minds don’t know how to do anything else. It’s how they learned to act from their parents.

if your husband is estranged I wonder if something similar is going on?

my MIL has undiagnosed ADHd and this kind of reaction is called RSD. Rejection sensitive dysforia.

legal2 · 07/02/2025 18:01

What a prick. Get a good divorce lawyer (me) and get rid.

StarkleLittleTwink · 07/02/2025 18:00

I have a DH who used to do the same thing at Christmas. He ruined so many Christmases for me and my daughters (his step-daughters) that the last time he did it I told him I wasn’t going to spend another Christmas with him. I have grandkids now and things seem to have changed a bit fortunately. However he knows if he acts like a child again, he will spend Christmas Day on his own. Treating him like the child he is really worked, so I’d do the same OP; go out for a spa day or shopping and let him sulk alone at home.

eremition · 07/02/2025 17:59

BonhomieNorthener · 07/02/2025 17:56

I think it's completely unreasonable of you to stay married to this manchild. Consult a solicitor and make sure you get compensated well for putting up with this nonsense! Also he's obviously having an affair and wanted to create the conditions that he could storm off and be with them.

Have you even read the post?

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/02/2025 17:59

He needs help.

Ariadneslostthread · 07/02/2025 17:59

Bloody hell, OP, what a dreadful man !!. to be honest there are times when I thought mine wasn’t great, but yours makes mine look like a saint !!!. I suppose if I was you, I’d be given him the quiet treatment for at least a week…. And I’d probably say to him next time it’s your birthday I’m doing NOTHING for you, because you are miserable, ungrateful, rude and horrible. Sometimes you need to level with people. I recently had a row with my husband, he was having a go at me saying he didn’t know what was wrong with me, I was a miserable bitch….. and in the end, I screamed at him, what do you expect from somebody who is stuck in a wheelchair and has cancer at the moment?…(which is the truth). And then burst into tears, and he completely changed his tack. I think sometimes it needs to be said how it is…. You need to show people just how hurtful they are being toward you .

TankFlyBossW4lk · 07/02/2025 17:59

Ok. I voted YANBU. But I'm trying to understand what has happened here. So, being devil's advocate, I suspect he feels undervalued within the family. And this was, in his mind's eye, a straw moment. Is he, for example, in a high pressure job that he doesn't particularly like and feels he has to keep going for the sake of the family? He's behaving like this because upset over a bigger thing is my interpretation.

Dogsbreath7 · 07/02/2025 17:59

A grown adult wanting a banner?

no more. He needs psychological help.

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