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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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MusicMakesItAllBetter · 08/02/2025 08:02

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

He needs therapy to help him get over daddy issues.
He was out of order with how he treated you and what is he teaching the kids????

Familysquabbles23 · 08/02/2025 07:25

Hi.
Yes isn't that all a bit rubbish. If it was a new thing, I'd say he's either very worried about something or he's having an affair.

As it's ongoing, maybe he's just a diva in disguise.

You'll see some of my posts about the awful ways I've been spoken to my DH lately but as he's being investigated now for a serious brain condition I'm a bit less hurt by it.

If you decide to stay, try thinking, it's not me it's not him, it's his brain fart, I find it helps me carry on when I'm tearing my hair out. Ok he may not have a life threatening condition but he clearly has issues and while you're there it'd be nicer for you to be able to power past his grumpy unreasonableness.

Leaving is a great plan, but short term can be very crappy

Sally20099 · 08/02/2025 06:23

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

Hi OP, is this a recent change in behaviour or a sudden outburst on the day? I wonder if the birthday is close to a milestone age and he is depressed about the whole thing. If he always acts like this then I agree with he other posts but if it’s recent or limited to the day itself I think he needs someone to talk to or some additional support as he doesn’t sound in a good place.

SunnyCoralDreamer · 08/02/2025 02:54

How can you live with such an awful man-child? Get out now. What's the point in living with such a pathetic excuse for a man who's supposed to love you?

Ghostgothemma · 08/02/2025 01:50

Honestly, wow just wow.

I would be sitting this man child down and telling him straight that he's acting like a self entitled, spoilt brat. He embarrassed not only yourself but your kids and family, he's also embarrassed himself with his childishness.

Tell him that he needs therapy or he can go stay elsewhere because you have enough children to deal with.

Any body who acts like that on their birthday deserves to sit at home alone. Seriously he needs to pull his head out of his arse because that's immature behaviour.

He needs therapy though and so do you because he's driving you crazy.

Cutterbups · 08/02/2025 00:55

You sound like such a lovely,caring person OP.

I’m sorry your husband is so awful. If you’re still with him next year I suggest you do absolutely nothing for his birthday,there’s no point!

Hoping you will be housed asap and can divorce this horrible man.

lemmein · 08/02/2025 00:46

People asking if he's 5....I've never known a child to act like that on their birthday. My DGS just had his 7th birthday and despite having ASD and frequent meltdowns he was impeccably behaved on the day. He took time to welcome all his little friends to his party, made sure he involved them all - handed out the party bags and thanked each of them for coming.

Kids generally don't behave like arseholes on their birthday - you made far too much effort to placate him OP, I would've told him to get fucked over the breakfast drama!

HevenlyMeS · 08/02/2025 00:36

If he's attempting to make her react he's still so out of order 😥If,,, by the slightest chance he would wish to make her angry then he should be honest & explain what his problem is
She absolutely doesn't deserve this treatment 😥He seems to be acting similarly to how a coercive narcissistic person might behave... At the least he seems extremely spoiled 🙏

CustardySergeant · 08/02/2025 00:15

Good grief. This is one of the most ludicrous things I've ever read. I'm perfectly happy with just a card on my birthday, not wanting or expecting anything more. I know some people make a lot more of an occasion about birthdays, but you went above and beyond for your husband and he still wasn't happy. Un-sodding-believable!

andthat · 08/02/2025 00:08

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:03

But there is no support or advice anyone can offer if you choose to stay. You know that right?

Everyone is saying (on this and all your previous posts) that you need to get out. You have contacted Womens Aid. You know you are being abused. And your children are too.

What else can we say?!?!

She knows that ffs.

Who are you to police what she posts??

She’s told you she has a plan but can’t leave now.

Sometimes making light of things is a way of coping. This is her life, her thread and doesn’t need any judgement from you because she hasn’t been able to leave yet.

Have some bloody empathy!

Ger1atricMillennial · 08/02/2025 00:03

Hi OP. My Dad was always a twat around his birthday, and then we didn't celebrate it liked he said, and he hated that even more.

Now you have told him he is a twat you can tell him to a) be grumpy on his own b) get some help for not taking it out on you.

NavyBee · 08/02/2025 00:02

Yes that was awful behaviour but if this is something that happens every time I think he needs therapy. It sounds like his birthday triggers a heap of feelings and reactions that are nothing to do with you and probably everything to do with his relationships and experiences with his parents. And no matter how much you do that’s not going to change. It’s probably not something he can change without some help either. That’s the conversation you should be having with him.

ClairDeLaLune · 08/02/2025 00:02

What a massive man-baby. Return all his presents and buy him a dummy and a rattle. How can you bear to put up with him?

Haaaaaaan · 07/02/2025 23:53

Berlinlover · 06/02/2025 09:35

I find it hard to believe this is real, although I know from reading Mumsnet that adult birthdays are a much bigger deal in the UK than they are here in Ireland. If it is real your husband sounds like a fruitcake.

@Berlinlover no it seems to just be a thing on the internet I think.... I live in the UK and honestly if someone said they were doing a BANNER for a birthday I would assume the person was under 10, or a nice round impressive 100! I can't remember what I've done on my birthday in recent years...generally my husband and I try to mark birthdays in some way. Like, I dunno, saying happy birthday in the morning. Getting a card if you remember. Maybe going out for dinner or opening a bottle of wine and watching a film after work instead of doing anything sensible!
I think a present (possibly something sad and prearranged like a new pair of trainers 🤣), a card and making sure it's not beans on toast for dinner is normal.

AfraidToRun · 07/02/2025 23:52

Oh god, this is reminding me of my ex. His big one was Xmas for sulking but yes, birthdays too. He once refused to get out of bed until 3pm because it was all fucking pointless, no one got I wanted (despite not opening presents yet nor telling people what he wanted when they asked). When he wanted sex, he was all lightness and air, made me want to puke.

Either bin him, or send him away for his birthday week alone and out of your hair

Thatissimplyuntrue · 07/02/2025 23:39

Ew. Yuk. Man child.

largeprintagathachristie · 07/02/2025 23:37

OMG he was upset that there wasn’t a banner over the front door?!!!

I really thought your poster couldn’t be real- it’s such bonkers behaviour from him - but I suspect it is. In which case, you are not being unreasonable.

I would find it deeply unattractive and it would nudge me quite a way towards the ick …

Thisandthat999 · 07/02/2025 23:37

What a big fucking baby.
How embarrassing.
That sort of behaviour would make me literally dry up!!
Sorry you were upset. Even if he’s got some sort of childhood birthday trauma there is no excuse for that!

Thefsm · 07/02/2025 23:35

I am flabbergasted. I think my husband would die of embarrassment if I put a banner on the front door and arranged multiple get together and all those extra things you did. We often don’t even do gifts. A meal out and. Cake is surely enough for any grown up. Is it a big number birthday? Maybe he’s feeling mid life crisis coming on.

you’re a saint not to have shoved his face in the cake!

IdaPrentice · 07/02/2025 23:26

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 06/02/2025 10:42

I think you are misinterpreting his expectation. He seems to be in a cycle where he expects you to make a fuss/lots of pressie etc. but not in a good way, more like an excuse so he has a reason to shoot you down because in his head, it’s what he would like to do to his Dad, ‘throw it back in his face’ but I guess he never got to do that. He needs serious therapy.

I think this is a vey perceptive post from ThatsWhat and makes sense of his behaviour. Sadly I don't imagine he's the sort of person who would see a therapist, so it doesn't really help you OP as the person on the receiving end.

Isinglass20 · 07/02/2025 23:13

When your kids are in their 70s and 80s they will remember this.
Remind him it will go through the generations- every time any member of your family has a birthday this disgusting behaviour will be brought up at some point.

ChaToilLeam · 07/02/2025 23:13

I just hope you can get away from this horrible, childish man soon.

FasilBalti · 07/02/2025 23:01

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 21:26

Oh no. Our cupboards and fridge was full of food. Just not the very specific items that he decided he suddenly wanted on the morning of his birthday. He also knew that I had planned a buffet for another day. I wasn’t limiting him to only one meal.

Ah ok, sorry. My fault.

I've been very sick with a virus and my brain was ruffled. Looking at it now, I'm not sure why I thought having 'no food' literally meant your cupboards and fridge were empty. He was meaning none of the food on his mental list of desired treats, that he never told you about, for meals he doesn't normally eat (breakfast) 😁

It reminded me of the competitive under eating threads. Folk that have a big lunch (often a massive salad) and are full for the next two days. They can't believe you're planning to eat dinner later on that evening😂

Marine30 · 07/02/2025 22:52

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:35

It’s definitely real! He behaved very badly around Fathers Day last year (I posted about it and how awful he was)

I remember it and thought at the time how mean and childish he sounded. Hasn’t got any better 😌 He won’t either.
i feel sorry for you and your kids. Knowing he won’t change I guess the only thing that matters now is your next move.

SkipToTheLight · 07/02/2025 22:43

My mum’s like this about her birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day. She has a personality disorder. OP, so sorry you’ve been treated like this, he sounds like a vile, abusive man. Get rid!