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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
NosyJosie · 08/02/2025 17:45

I read all the posts. Textbook narcissist behaviour and I wish you the best of luck with your leaving plan.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2025 17:06

FriendsDrinkBook · 08/02/2025 15:52

Can people stop telling the op to show h the thread. She's trying to safely extricate herself and her children from a volatile man that shits his pants over a birthday banner. It could put her plans to leave in jeopardy if he knows she's posted about him.

Agree wholeheartedly!

People saying this should understand that this is OP's 'safe place' where she can unload, get opinions, and discuss 'next moves'.

Telling her to show her thread to her DH is akin to telling her to invite him in to a group therapy session she attends. It would not only take away her 'safe place' it would give him foreknowledge of plans to leave and how to do it and ammo for further abuse.

It's one thing to say 'show the thread' if the issue is that your non-abusive DH wants to paint your house his 'team colours (which happen to be bright purple and neon green) and you want him to see that 99.99% say "Oh God NO". Quite another to show it to someone who will weaponize it and/or use it to justify violence.

berightorbehappy · 08/02/2025 15:53

Is s a one-off “birthday problem” or this this indicative of his general attitude ? If the kids are even saying he’s ungrateful then he should be ashamed . Maybe when the dust has settled you can point out that and extra bratty child is NOT who you intend to spend the rest of your life with .

FriendsDrinkBook · 08/02/2025 15:52

Can people stop telling the op to show h the thread. She's trying to safely extricate herself and her children from a volatile man that shits his pants over a birthday banner. It could put her plans to leave in jeopardy if he knows she's posted about him.

Gherkinslice · 08/02/2025 15:13

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

Maybe ask him if he thinks he behaved really awfully, and when (as I suspect he will say), he did nothing wrong - show him this post and all of our replies. Seriously though, if this is fairly normal for him, or will now become his normal, I'd be telling him I won't be putting up with him any longer, how much happier you would all be without him! Miserable, entitled git!

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:41

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

This is as exactly my reaction - he sounds like a child.

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 08/02/2025 14:13

Why, why, why do so many people read the first post of a long thread without bothering to read the OP’s follow up posts? 🤦‍♀️

This man is extremely abusive and the OP is trying to leave. The birthday nonsense is just the tip of the iceberg. People would know that if they bothered to read the full thread.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 08/02/2025 14:09

eremition · 08/02/2025 08:47

Why are you quoting OP’s long thread!? We’ve all read it.
@MusicMakesItAllBetter @Sally20099

Because I wanted to....

Honeyroar · 08/02/2025 12:36

I had a party when I was ten. I had a tantrum about something. My mum bundled all my presents into a bin bag, apologised to my guests and sent them home. Then sent me to my room with a “if you don’t apologise to each and every person you will never be having a party ever again”. I think your husband deserved similar treatment!

Changedforadvice · 08/02/2025 11:40

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

He sounds like he has a lot of issues to resolve, and until he does he will continue to revert to this behaviour on special occasions.

Is he aware of the issues? Is he aware he can control his own behaviour even despite them? If he needs help to understand that he'd be able to find it. Unless willing to 'do the work' as the Americans say, its unlikely to change.

So then it's up to you to decide how to approach birthdays with (or without) your DH.

FriendsDrinkBook · 08/02/2025 10:59

@Nanny0gg right? The op's husband doesn't need a hug and some help dealing with his birthday trauma. He needs a kick up the arse for making the lives of his wife and kids miserable.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2025 10:50

This is one of those threads where posters REALLY NEED TO READ THE OP'S POSTS

Just sayin'...

thescandalwascontained · 08/02/2025 10:44

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:00

Right now I am stuck unfortunately. I have no where to go. It could well be another year until I’m able to leave for good. If I had somewhere to go I would leave much sooner.

Yikes! Way to bury the lede, OP!

Your original post made it sound like your DP had 'trauma' about days meant to be about 'him' and he now 'deals' with them by deliberately ruining them in advance himself (via really shitty behaviour) and then blaming everyone else. LIke an oversized toddler. And that everything else was fine. Which is why I suggested you tell him he gets therapy to address his issues or no more celebrating days about him.

But it sounds like he's abusive generally, really abusive, which is the real issue here. You are staying in a home with an abusive partner, and making your children stay there, too.

That is what you need to be focused on. Getting out safely.

FriendsDrinkBook · 08/02/2025 10:38

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes indeed.

I hate my birthday due to some childhood stuff , but rather than make the lives of my family difficult around that time I simply ask for a takeaway and a cake at home on the day. It works pretty well when you communicate your feelings to those around you!

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 08/02/2025 10:22

We really really need to stamp on this shitty behaviour from all men.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 08/02/2025 10:21

Noononoo · 08/02/2025 10:18

I know it’s hard to feel sympathy for someone who is acting so badly but I think he has birthday phobia and is very distressed. He needs therapy but unlikely he will go for any. What can you do? Just tell him there will be no birthday next year. The pressure will be off. He can’t cope. I think the clue was when you said he wanted a cuddle at the end of the evening.. it was because it would soon be over.
i used to have those feelings but i never acted them out. I remember one of my best birthdays was going on a college trip and telling no one it was my birthday it was such a relief. I don’t know where it came from. I don’t think it is as rare as people think. But of course to act it out when you have children is extreme. He does need help. Are you able to talk to him about it when it isn’t his birthday?

This is an utterly ludicrous post. Sorry.

The man acts like a total and utter dick all day.

Then wants a cuddle because he wants validation he can get away with his behaviour.

Stop enabling the tossers.

Stop trying to be so understanding of horrendous behaviour.

Get rid. Unburden yourself, op.

NorthSouthLondon · 08/02/2025 10:21

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:33

He treats me well on my own birthday but there’s a pattern of him behaving badly around his own birthday.

Your DH has quite obviously mental issues, which for some reason emerge close to his birthday.
Whether you want and can help with that, suuggesting therapy and offering talking with him about it, whether he is open to that, really depends on you two and the type of relationship you have.

I don't think it's fair and useful for you to live certain periods like that.
However, I don't think it is fair and useful to think that it is personality think and he plans all that nonsense. From your description he does not, it's like asking someone with an inexplicable panick attack why they are acting as an arse.

They are not in control. Chances are a part of your DH mind is telling him that he is worth nothing and does not even deserve a birthday, and another part of his mind is reacting to that in a very paranoid and irrational manner.

This often comes from childhood trauma. Presumably, it is nothing of your doing, and it is very understandable that you resent this being done to you.
But it is well possible that he was done or made to feel just as awful or worst at an age when he was vulnerable, had no agency, could only take it and wonder why. This things can can shape us and carry on in adult life.

Noononoo · 08/02/2025 10:18

I know it’s hard to feel sympathy for someone who is acting so badly but I think he has birthday phobia and is very distressed. He needs therapy but unlikely he will go for any. What can you do? Just tell him there will be no birthday next year. The pressure will be off. He can’t cope. I think the clue was when you said he wanted a cuddle at the end of the evening.. it was because it would soon be over.
i used to have those feelings but i never acted them out. I remember one of my best birthdays was going on a college trip and telling no one it was my birthday it was such a relief. I don’t know where it came from. I don’t think it is as rare as people think. But of course to act it out when you have children is extreme. He does need help. Are you able to talk to him about it when it isn’t his birthday?

anon666 · 08/02/2025 09:36

Oh no, OP, I've now RTFT, and seen this is a pattern of behaviour from an abusive narcissist.

Even if he was neurodiverse, that's not an excuse for bad behaviour. It was just you mentioning that it was just birthdays.

This guy is an arsehole, and I hope coming here abd seeing the comments reinforced your plan to get away as quickly as you can.

😭

Maninpeace · 08/02/2025 09:33

Pathetic. He sounds like a wanker.

Sinthie · 08/02/2025 09:28

I’d be appalled if a 6 year old behaved like this, let alone a grown man.

anon666 · 08/02/2025 09:25

This is not intended to make excuses for him, because he has behaved like an absolute knob. And no matter what the cause, he needs to know how his behaviour went down with others, how it made you feel, and apologise.

But is he neurodiverse? The reason I ask is I was a bit like this as a kid on my birthday. Maybe 10% of this bad. It can be linked to autism, the lack of cognitive empathy and understanding that other people's feelings can be hurt by these tantrums.

There can be a feeling of huge alienation and discomfort around birthdays. I usually hated my burthday because I couldn't cope with the emotional regulation of expectations versus reality. And his expectations of what a birthday "is" sound a lot like that. Like he's on an adrenaline-fuelled roller coaster of discomfort.

This insight might be useful to you both if he's otherwise a lovely man and kind.

If he's just an arsehole, LTB obviously.

GrannyHelen1 · 08/02/2025 09:12

You are amazingly patient. By the middle of the day I would have cancelled ALL the other arrangements, including the cake etc, and gone out to have a nice time by myself. I'm in awe.

BlueFlowers5 · 08/02/2025 09:10

Suggest therapy to him about his dad.
This might not get better unless you set a firm boundary such as;

Have a tantrum when out with family and our children again and I never take you out again.

eremition · 08/02/2025 08:47

Why are you quoting OP’s long thread!? We’ve all read it.
@MusicMakesItAllBetter @Sally20099