DH behaved horribly on his birthday

You’re looking for excuses. Dirt can be cleaned. Bare plaster can be painted. Most councils offer vouchers to buy paint and wallpaper: The council will adapt the house for your son’s disabilities. You’ve downplayed your husbands behaviour throughout this thread and now you’re looking for excuses to stay.
If I were you I’d put my kids first and bite the councils hand off for this house.

You seem to be more concerned about decorating and a bit of astroturf than you do about getting your children and yourself to safety OP. Why is that?

Take the house and get out.
You can do up every room in due course. You could even get some friends and family to help doing up the rooms.
There are charities that help with providing beds for kids. There are some that can provide you with furniture.
Call in to these charities and accept their help.

Don't stay with your abusive husband because he paid for astroturf or that your home is cosy. These are things that you can sort out in time. No house that the council may offer you is (as far as I'm aware) going to be in turnkey condition with everything ready for you.

My honest advice is to take the house and leave your husband.

It may not be ideal @RainbowStriped but if you turn it down will you get another chance. If you'll drop down the housing list for refusing then I'd consider it carefully.

Can you see a financial advisor re this? Could women's aid or similar signpost you?
It is a big decision.

Good luck!

It's a sign telling you to go...

Is that still your plan @RainbowStriped ?

Well then @RainbowStriped that's a bit bizarre.

Sounds more like he's breaking things on purpose to me Op. Was there always a witness to these accidents or was he alone

Confirmation bias and bad feeling. As in, some items are broken because of sabotage- your DS resenting his dad’s behaviour, your husband subconsciously spoiling things and you being hyper aware of those new, expensive and emotionally loaded items.

unfortunately a lot of advice you received before were based on this being an otherwise nice guy with a badly managed emotional issue around his birthday. Apparently it’s more a case of, nasty man with occasional nice days.

Leave him, mean it, do it.

No excuses.
Banner for next year 'F Off loser'
You have children and it's up to you to put an end to this cycle of abuse.
Good luck

OP, he's a really awful person.
You carry duch a huge load.
Time to divorce.
He will never change.

Your update sounds fairly positive, - at least your dh listened and accepted responsibility for what he had done

It sounds to me like he did a whole lot of deflection and blame shifting:

He didn’t like being called ungrateful and said that the children and I were making fun of him and laughing at him.

So he only acted that way bc the op and the dc's forced him to be horrible by being big fat meanies.

He said about the clothing that he genuinely couldn’t wear them as they felt weird (sensory issues)

Again, so not his fault the clothes weren't right - if they'd been right he wouldn't have kicked off so it's the OP's fault.*

He admitted that the way he thinks in his mind isn’t “normal”

So it's not his fault - it's the fault of there being something wrong with his brain.

I mentioned bipolar again but he said he doesn’t plan on following up a diagnosis. He also said I would probably use his diagnosis against him. I wouldn’t.

So even though he admits his mind isn't normal he won't do anything about it as the op will use it as a stick to beat him with, according to him. So that's great.

He said he felt like the day went well (!!) but now after all I said he feels like the day was a disaster.

Gaslighting and guilt tripping - so he's now lying and saying he thought the day went well (how could he conceivably think that?) and the op has now made him feel bad and that it was actually a disaster by airing her grievances.

I don't see this as a man owning his issues.

How is that a good update?

Is this the same man who threatened to put his disabled child into care? That same nasty abuser who kicks off over whatever he fancies and has the OP running round in circles trying to live up to his narcissistic tendencies and making herself ill? And then tantrums and ruins everyone's day when things obviously don't live up to his unrealistic demands?

OP - I think you are still in this man's thrall and seem very scared to leave him. But honestly, all you've done by confronting him is make him wind his neck in for a while. Until the next thing. And on it goes. Abusers aren't just horrible 100% of the time, they reel you back in when they've gone too far by being nice for a bit. It's like when a man who hits his wife then buys her a bunch of flowers....so you think "oh, he's not all bad...maybe he'll change now."

He won't change.

You’re doing it again. Focusing on the symptoms not the cure. He is a vile abuser, every day you stay damages your DC, and you more.

I know how difficult it is to go. I have a severely disabled DC too, so I also understand that. I can understand you waiting whilst you put a plan in place, I don’t understand you talking to him , then reporting it all back as if it is solving the problem. He won’t change regardless of what he says, you’ve been there before. Stop trying to kid yourself. The hours you wasted chatting to him you could have spent contacting councillors/ your MP asking for help with housing.

I don’t think your update is positive TBH. If the issue were simply that your husband behaved badly on his birthday in the context of an otherwise healthy relationship, then his response to your discussion might be a step in the right direction. But that isn’t what’s going on here. The birthday behaviour is just a distraction. The real problem is his ongoing abuse. It’s unsurprising that you say he can behave decently for months at a time. Most abusers can. But they will always revert to abuse and your husband is no exception. He isn’t even prepared to investigate help and support for his mental health. He won’t change.

I don’t understand why you are interacting with him on this level, given your plans to leave as soon as you can. So what if he expects a big to do on his birthday? And why are you telling him how much you care about him? This relationship is not salvageable IMO, based on all you have said in other threads. It’s in your best interests to disengage at this point. Protect yourself emotionally as you make plans to leave. Otherwise you’ll continue to be caught up in this exhausting cycle.

Your update sounds fairly positive, @RainbowStriped - at least your dh listened and accepted responsibility for what he had done. The next step is for him to admit he needs to seek professional help, so it doesn't happen again - hopefully as the dust settles, he may come to that realisation himself, or at least be open to you telling him so. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to say that is an absolute must for you, if he wants to salvage the relationship.

But I do understand how exhausting it has been for you, and how hard that conversation was, so I can appreciate you not wanting to have any more such talks.

Your local carers club should be able to point you in the right direction.......ours does therapy sessions, even free massage therapy and allsorts. Can also fund short breaks and driving lessons.

What an absolute TOOL he is! Ask him what he expected you to have done as it sounds like everything you did wasn't good enough. He sounds like a spoilt, entitled child acting up coz he thought he deserved more. For his next Birthday ask him to organise things himself so he's not disappointed & let him know you can't deal with his tantrums anymore.

this is hilarious 😭