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AIBU?

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To ask DH to be home by 11 during the week

58 replies

coverp · 06/02/2025 09:12

DH has a hobby. He likes to do this hobby as often as possible. He does it around 1 weekend day per month, plus another day a week during school holidays (he's a teacher). He also does on average one evening a week - more in the spring/summer when it's light and less in the winter. This works ok for me, although it is far more "me time" than I get.

We have 3 children under 5, including an 8mo baby. We have a great bedtime routine with them - they're usually all asleep/settled in their rooms by 7.30. The baby still sleeps downstairs with us (in a pram) until I go up to bed - she's usually quite unsettled until around 10/10.30 then sleeps well the rest of the night after a final feed.

I work 2 days in the office and 2 days at home. My 2 office days involve a 2-3hr commute each way, and I have to leave the house by 5.30am. I'm very tired at the end of these days.

DH has started "asking" to do his hobby on the evenings before my early start. He often doesn't get home until midnight or later, which means that either he wakes us up coming in (9/10 times) or I wait up until he gets back to head to bed.

I've asked that on the nights before I have an early start, that if he wants to go out, that he's back for 11. My preference would be that he chooses one of the other 5 nights to do the hobby, but hey ho, I thought this was a good compromise. He's begrudgingly agreed but given it all the eye rolling and muttering "not sure it's even worth going then".

Am I really being so unreasonable here?

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Ponderingwindow · 06/02/2025 15:54

He could be doing the last feed of the night so you could get to bed early and get a solid night’s sleep. 11 is too late even.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/02/2025 15:44

Do you think he may be trying to undermine you being the main bread winner and all op, could there be an element of " let's see if she can manage to be top dog if I fuck her schedule up even more? " because he can't genuinely think asking for MORE time is appropriate with your family life and needs.

ItGhoul · 06/02/2025 15:07

If it's genuinely disruptive for him to get home late, then YANBU. I'm quite easy going about having my sleep disrupted, and I think I would just briefly open my eyes as he got into bed and then I'd be oblivious again, so the getting in late wouldn't be a big deal for me, but you must be exhausted if you've got three kids under five. If it really messes with your sleep, and even more so if it messes with your kids' sleep too, I can completely see why you're not happy about it.

What's the reason for him picking that particular day? Is it a club or a sports team or something with set meeting/training times or something? Because I really don't see why he wouldn't just do his hobby on literally any other night of the week than the one that comes before your 5.30am start.

Crispynoodle · 06/02/2025 14:31

Tell him to fuck off

Pickled21 · 06/02/2025 14:23

I don't think 3 children under 5 is compatible with a parent having hobbies that takes them away for a large proportion of the evening. I also don't think it's compatible with 2 people having demanding jobs either however you have made this choice. This wouldn't be something I would be happy with but I have very different boundaries to you. He isn't doing you a favour by taking care of his children in the Summer holidays when he is technically not in work (I appreciate many teachers will do some planning in the holidays). Downtime in my view at least should be equal for both parents whether you choose to spend that time outside the house on a particular hobby is irrelevant.

ERthree · 06/02/2025 14:15

Does this bloke realise he is a husband and father or does he still think he is single ! You need to have a break and he needs to is fair share.

Summerhillsquare · 06/02/2025 14:14

soarklyknobs · 06/02/2025 09:30

He has 3 small children; three!!

If he wanted to do his hobbies unhindered by parenting, he should have kept his dick in his pants.

So much this

ManchesterGirl2 · 06/02/2025 14:09

Can he sleep on the sofa? Totally reasonable to not want to be woken up.

jannier · 06/02/2025 13:59

Your being unreasonable by saying a hobby.....just tell us what it is .....is he into something kinky and you can't join him .....

chelseahealyslips · 06/02/2025 13:55

Is it pool? Or poker league?
I imagine he'd be out until midnight if it was closing time in a pub.

I wouldn't be happy with this set up OP, he'd not being a very good father or husband.

Chillilounger · 06/02/2025 13:45

If he's not getting in until 11 how is he getting enough sleep before having to sort the kids in the morning? Hopefully you don't have to do anything on the days you leave at 5.30!

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 06/02/2025 13:40

Whatever the hobby it obviously concludes with a leisurely few drinks meaning a midnight homecoming. Selfish sod.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/02/2025 13:38

He is being selfish to co soder this is the right time to up the amount of me time he has. I wouldn't agree to it at all.

Wordsmithery · 06/02/2025 13:38

Men are so brilliantly skilled at being selfish. All you're asking is for him to choose a different night if he wants to get back late. Sounds eminently reasonable.

Goodadvice1980 · 06/02/2025 13:32

coverp · 06/02/2025 09:59

Thank you for the sense check.

I don't begrudge DH his hobby - he shares the load very equally with the kids and he does the lions share of childcare during school holidays. We have a good balance.

I had a lot of hobbies pre-children but have paused them. I may or may not go back to them once the kids are older. I have one or two spa days a year with friends, see friends for lunch often during my working day. I'm really not unhappy with my life. I could take annual leave in term time if I wanted more time to myself, but I prefer to keep it to use when we can be together as a family.

I just don't understand why it's so hard to see that this weeknight set up doesn't work. My commute is a drive, and if I'm shattered it becomes really dangerous. Before DC3 arrived I was doing 2 long days in the office with an overnight in between so that I only had to do the commute once, but I'm not willing to be away from the baby at this point.

I am the main earner and I'm not interested in moving job at the moment, there's not many roles as senior or well paid as mine that would allow a 4 day week or 2 days from home - those things are worth the commute. I just wish DH would be a bit less selfish on the hobby!

I guess he could be more considerate until you feel ready to leave the baby overnight again. Is he aware of how you feel about this? Would staying away a night in the week again be difficult for you?

Doggymummar · 06/02/2025 13:31

RitaFromTheRanch · 06/02/2025 13:14

@Starlight1984 it's always that or golf and I thought it would be a bit hard to see the balls in the dark Grin

It's got to be darts !

Spirallingdownwards · 06/02/2025 13:30

Fishing?

Is he going that night because he goes with others? If so why not compromise on trying and see what actually happens. If it doesn't work out then ask he switch days

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2025 13:26

The two of you have made a decision to have 3 children very close coupled with both of you having very demanding jobs.

It isn't a decision which allows for either adult to continue with hobbies to any great extent.

The very small amount of disposable time you both have needs to be split square down the middle.

RitaFromTheRanch · 06/02/2025 13:14

@Starlight1984 it's always that or golf and I thought it would be a bit hard to see the balls in the dark Grin

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:36

RitaFromTheRanch · 06/02/2025 11:04

Cycling right?

Cycling??? Until gone midnight?!

(I mean, you might be right, I don't have a clue really! But that just sounds odd 😂)

outdooryone · 06/02/2025 11:12

You are being very reasonable. He needs to be more aware and accommodating, and it is not like you are stopping his hobby, just asking him to help with the family routine.
That said, your commute is unsustainable and I would be urgently looking for a new job with less of a commute, saving you time, energy and significant money.

RitaFromTheRanch · 06/02/2025 11:04

Cycling right?

Fizbosshoes · 06/02/2025 10:42

Chuchoter · 06/02/2025 10:24

'he wakes us up coming in (9/10 times) or I wait up until he gets back to head to bed'

Why can't he come in quietly and sleep in the spare room or on a sofa so as not to disturb any of you?

Why do you have to wait up? Just go to sleep!

I sleep very lightly, and a lot of mums with young babies would sleep "with one ear open" as it were because you're listening out for the baby/toddlers. It's almost impossible for my DH to come in the house, without waking me, (my kids are teens now) so I can see why you might wait up

JoyousPinkPeer · 06/02/2025 10:40

He's being totally unreasonable

Gall10 · 06/02/2025 10:34

Doggymummar · 06/02/2025 09:26

That commute is mad! What hobby goes on till midnight? Sounds like you are too accommodating to me

I can imagine what ‘hobby’ this is!

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