Page 9 | Saw dh phone

rufiooooo · 2025-02-06T07:56:17+00:00

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well. I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet. We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

Chuchoter · 06/02/2025 09:57

Having sex once a month is going to be very hard (excuse the pun) for many people.

I couldn't go that long between being intimate with my husband so I understand if he feels he's missing out.

However, to go behind your back and use Only Fans to get sexual gratification is not something I would tolerate and would have to dump him.

Lulabellez · 06/02/2025 09:55

I’d have to leave him. No discussion necessary but that’s just me.He’s gona say anything to placate you now. He has lied and will continue to do so. I’ve seen and been through this too many times and know the outcome.

Cunningfungus · 06/02/2025 09:49

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:16

The fact that he is on OF and paying other women is disgusting to me. But from my POV I am just heartbroken and so angry that I've put my own needs and feelings on the back burner because I believed he just didn't have the libido. But he clearly does.

Without wanting to drip feed he does have a fetish that he enjoys which I found out about years ago via his search history (porn). Again he hadn't been open with me about it and it's not something we've ever done together. It's nothing dangerous or horrible but it's not something I have any interest in. I don't know what he's been viewing on OF but I'd strongly suspect it's to do with this.

If he was watching porn and getting himself off to this I still wouldn't be happy but OF feels much worse as he's paying for it and potentially interacting with these women.

Yeah this is the thing I’d be most upset/pissed off about. There’s plenty (way too much) free porn available if you’re into it but the fact he has an account with OF (and presumably one or more specific women/men) suggests a level of connection that is more than “just a wank”.

I don’t think his lack of sex with you is particularly about his kink. Plenty men and women have kinks but are still able to have sexual relations without the kink being brought into it, in a loving relationship. But it may be that things have gone even further than the kink with the OF people and “normal” sex doesn’t arose him anymore.

I’m not sure I could get past this if I’m honest. It’s one thing having a wank to “meaningless” porn (although I do not agree with the porn industry in any way and hate it with a passion) but quite another to actively perpetuate it by paying for it. Grim and I couldn’t respect my DH anymore if I thought he was willing to do that.

How horrible for you @rufiooooo 💐

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:46

Retrospeaker · 06/02/2025 09:36

From your update yes it’s sounds like he would very much benefit from therapy by himself before you try it as a couple.

I’m sorry OP you sound heartbroken and I understand why you would be xx

Thank you for the helpful comments. I was expecting a lot of 'LTB' comments but it isn't always that easy and I do feel there's a lot to unpick here.

I am heartbroken. And angry. And I feel like a mug. But I need to think things through fully. At the moment it's hard to listen to anything he's telling me with an open mind. I just feel like it's all lies. I'm going to take my toddler out and have a bit of time away from him.

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Retrospeaker · 06/02/2025 09:36

From your update yes it’s sounds like he would very much benefit from therapy by himself before you try it as a couple.

I’m sorry OP you sound heartbroken and I understand why you would be xx

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:32

Moonmelodies · 06/02/2025 09:29

How does he wank it if it can't be erected?

Apparently he doesnt wank he just watches it. Another thing I'm very sceptical of. He is getting frustrated that I'm not believing what he's saying but I guess that's what happens when you lie and keep things secret.

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Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:30

If it weren't for the fact we had kids, a massive mortgage, dogs, no family support and other than this (massive) issue we get on well....I would be thinking of ending it now. But it isn't that simple.

I would be open to therapy but I think he needs it more than me. He definitely has some deep issues around sex and certainly his lack of communication skills about it which could be due to shame and embarrassment.

He is 50. Has some health issues which may or may not be contributing to this.

For me it's not even the physical side of things, I've learnt to live with that. It's the secrecy and lack of communication between us. We are supposed to be a team. How can I trust him or even know him properly when he keeps so much of himself hidden.

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Moonmelodies · 06/02/2025 09:29

How does he wank it if it can't be erected?

rwalker · 06/02/2025 09:26

There quite a lot of complex feelings round ED
but basically if he’s wanking over OF and can’t get it up there no shame, awkwardness sense of failure and embarrassment like there is with sex between you 2 it’s a safe option

Justalittlehandhold · 06/02/2025 09:26

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:16

His reasoning is he thought he would improve his libido. He is very embarrassed about the state of our sex life and has suggested therapy. I have told him how it makes me feel and how I've put my own needs to one side. I really don't know where to go from here. I don't even want to be around him at the moment.

And you not wanting to be around him at the moment is fine. Can you get away for a night, local travel lodge, to give yourself some space and time to think.

There is no rush, you can take this as slowly as you want in order to decide what you want to do.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:25

I just don't believe anything he says. What man logs into OF thinking 'I'm doing this for my marriage, this will definitely help to improve my sex life' what a load of shit.

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Retrospeaker · 06/02/2025 09:24

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:16

His reasoning is he thought he would improve his libido. He is very embarrassed about the state of our sex life and has suggested therapy. I have told him how it makes me feel and how I've put my own needs to one side. I really don't know where to go from here. I don't even want to be around him at the moment.

Ok so you at least have had (the beginnings of) an honest conversation about it. That’s good.

So now you have to decide - do you want to try to save the marriage?

He has suggested counselling - would you like to do that?

Tbh I would also suggest a visit to the GP with a low sex drive - how old is he?

There are a lot of women who are utterly infuriated by men using OF and porn. It doesn’t seem like it bothers you overmuch apart from the fact he’s not been having sex with you and that’s ok and a totally reasonable response. Every woman is different when it come to this. But yes I would feel enormously betrayed in your situation. But personally I think I would do the counselling with him and at least try.

Poppyseeds79 · 06/02/2025 09:23

I'd take him up on the offer of therapy. At least you might be able to figure out if it's something you can work on together, or if it's a deal breaker.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 06/02/2025 09:19

Find your anger. Paying women for sex is full on disgusting, we are not pieces of meat to be bought and sold.

He's taken you for a mug, used you for babies and nice domestic life, but denied you a sex life too.

Kick his lying cheating arse into touch, what is the point of a liar and a cheat who won't even shag you?

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:16

His reasoning is he thought he would improve his libido. He is very embarrassed about the state of our sex life and has suggested therapy. I have told him how it makes me feel and how I've put my own needs to one side. I really don't know where to go from here. I don't even want to be around him at the moment.

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rainbowstardrops · 06/02/2025 08:47

I'd struggle to get past this to be honest because it's basically, a betrayal. Together with his ED, I'd be looking to move on from him because it doesn't sound like a happy relationship.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:31

I'm surprised that he's gone as far as paying for it. And the kink/fetish is not something I've ever acted negatively about. I knew about it, I suppose I could have suggested we try it but he never initiated anything and I suppose I thought he didn't want to blur fantasy and reality.

It's very clear to me now that his private sexual desires are much different to the side of himself he chooses to show me. Sex has always been a contentious issue between us. I've felt like he isn't open about it. He just doesn't talk about it and other than a pre planned monthly session scheduled in advance it's not a big part of our lives.

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TheAzureSwan · 06/02/2025 08:27

From your update OP there is little wonder he is not capable of a normal sexual relationship with you.
The surprise is that you have put it with his porn addiction for so long and that you have expected things to get better when he obviously has no intention of addressing the cause of his problem.
The Only Fans women can't really be a surprise to you given his other sexual interests.

Poppyseeds79 · 06/02/2025 08:24

If he's got a kink/fetish and it's related to that then it's not really that surprising he's seeking it out. Maybe he feels he 'needs that' to get aroused if his libido is actually low otherwise. I'm definitely not saying you should participate in it if you're not keen. And I'm not saying it's right that he's paying to peruse that, but I'd understand that to be the reason behind the 'why' more if that's the case.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:23

We have our toddler here today so not sure how much undisturbed conversation we can have. I'm also caring for an unwell relative so life is full on and chaotic. But I can't just ignore this. He's gone out to walk the dog so I need to think about how I can approach this when he gets back.

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Justalittlehandhold · 06/02/2025 08:21

I’m sorry this must be awful for you, you’ve given him empathy put your own needs, feelings to one side and this is what he does.

Can you get the children out of the house tonight/tomorrow to be able to talk and decide how and if you move forward?

Good luck!

Uol2022 · 06/02/2025 08:17

Agree with @fourelementary there’s value in talking this through. If you want to end the relationship that’s up to you but it’s possible that this is the catalyst to finally talk honestly about what you both need and how to get there. Porn addiction causing ed or ed means porn allows sex without anxiety, either plausible. Or he’s checked out. It’s a huge betrayal and he knows that.

Didimum · 06/02/2025 08:16

I would hugely struggle to tolerate someone who didn’t show up for our relationship in this way. I really feel for you. I couldn’t tolerate it but I know the idea of leaving a marriage with two young DC must feel seemingly impossible.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:16

The fact that he is on OF and paying other women is disgusting to me. But from my POV I am just heartbroken and so angry that I've put my own needs and feelings on the back burner because I believed he just didn't have the libido. But he clearly does.

Without wanting to drip feed he does have a fetish that he enjoys which I found out about years ago via his search history (porn). Again he hadn't been open with me about it and it's not something we've ever done together. It's nothing dangerous or horrible but it's not something I have any interest in. I don't know what he's been viewing on OF but I'd strongly suspect it's to do with this.

If he was watching porn and getting himself off to this I still wouldn't be happy but OF feels much worse as he's paying for it and potentially interacting with these women.

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fourelementary · 06/02/2025 08:06

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:01

Just sort of put his head down because he knows he's been caught out and there's not a lot he can say or do.

Show quote history

But there is. He can talk. He can explain what is going on and be honest- has he actually got erection difficulties (and has been had a medical check as if not, he should if he is having ED)? Or is he porn-addicted and not able to perform in a healthy sexual relationship as a result? Or something in the middle?
If you are both off I would suggest a drive through coffee and then talk. And talk some more. But ask that the focus is on “I” for each person- you need to tell him how you feel and how this impacts you. Not accuse and attack. He needs to explain and tell you how HE feels. Counselling is cheaper than divorce and might be another avenue as living like flatmates isn’t sustainable.