Saw dh phone

Unless his fetish is children, their safety isn't an issue.

I suspect this is exactly the sort of comment that drives men with ED to use porn instead of a sex life with their partner. I mean, jeez, I'm pretty sure ED must be embarrassing enough for a man without this horrible attitude from other people around it.

As a woman, if I had a condition that meant I could only have non-penetrative sex, I would not want to have sex if I thought my partner might consider getting me off to be a 'sorry spectacle' involving 'a lifeless hole'.

So my situation wasn't the same as yours but just food for thought...
My ex was like yours but worse. No kinks as far as I knew but absolutely no sex. To be honest it destroyed my self esteem at the time. He swore low/no sex drive and I put up with it because I loved him. This went on for years and I finally ended it because I couldn't take anymore. Not too long after he has a new girlfriend and ultimately it turns out he did have a drive just not for me.

I felt so angry he wasted my time for years instead of being honest but I'm glad I'm out of it now.

So sorry I am sure this is so hurtful for you but just to consider, I wish I hadn't sacrificed my own needs for so long for a man who hadn't the guts to be honest with me. I hope you do what's best for you and big hugs.

Ps I agree, the paying it bit would be a dump them offence for me too

I see your point, but would it be better for the couple to split up and then him have them 50:50 at a different home away from their mum? Because that’s likely what would happen.

Hi OP,

A lot of the background you describe here could be me and my DH, except I haven’t discovered him doing anything like this. If I’m entirely honest with myself though I don’t think I would be massively surprised if I did. Some years ago I found him doing something on his computer that represented this kind of level of infidelity and dishonesty and I threw his computer across the room and then went away for a couple of days (this was pre kids) and basically made him realise how serious it was to me. We worked through it and it has never come up again but I do sometimes wonder if he’s just got better at hiding it; he’s very good with tech.

I don’t know how I would react in your position, honestly.

Sorry that’s not helpful at all, just to say you haven’t done anything wrong and I don’t think there is one right answer here, really.

Get rid

Is it quite safe to have your children around a man who thinks it's FINE to spunk family money away on bought women who indulge some creepy fetish?

Can totally see why you feel betrayed and hurt by this. I would too.

However, while I think a lot of people will just say 'He's a porn addict and he can't be bothered to have sex because he'd rather wank', I suspect it's a lot more complicated than that.

That obviously doesn't excuse him using OnlyFans behind your back instead of actually talking about things with you - I'm not defending that at all. It's obviously hurtful for you.

But if you want to stay together, I do think his suggestion of therapy is probably a good idea.

Without wanting to drip feed he does have a fetish

I think this is very relevant. It's possible his fetish is the only thing that really excites him and he doesn't really get aroused by anything else. So I think it's possible that it's not so much that he doesn't have any libido, but more that there's only really one thing that stirs it. Some people have fetishes so strong (and which they can't help having) that having sex without that fetish is almost like asking a gay man to have sex with a woman, or a gay woman to have sex with a man. Not saying this is the case for him, but again, therapy might uncover something round this.

It's also possible that he's got some sort of major psychological hang-up around actually having sex. which even he might not fully understand. There could be something in his past or an attitude he was exposed to when he was younger or something that's affecting him, so again, it's not so much that he doesn't have a libido but that he has some sort of hang-up around actual sex that's causing the ED.

It's also worth noting that men can ejaculate without an erection. So it's possible that he has a libido and can still come, even if he doesn't get an erection and can't have penetrative sex. Which he might be colossally embarrassed about. So the OnlyFans activity doesn't necessarily mean he's getting erections in secret.

Hi OP, I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want to be flamed.

I was in a really fragile, vulnerable place a few years ago and I did OF for a bit. I actually did really well from it financially and ended up with a lot of subscribers. A few of my subs told me they had ED and they got off on being told they were pathetic and their dick was small and it didn’t work etc.

My point is I would want to check that he is actually just “watching” if he can’t get it up. You can still log into his OF account, his card will have bounced causing his subscription to end but you’ll still be able to see all of his messages. I would insist on this as I would want to see if he was lying and the extent of the messages. You’ll also be able to see if he’s been sending other money amounts. Like paying for sexting or buying other content.

Don't listen to this porn addict male trying to explain to you what you can and can't be outraged about in your own marriage.

That must make for a very sorry spectacle, desperately tugging on their lifeless appendage.

Thank you - I really see everything you say, especially the "slap in the face", because it is. That would hurt, seeing the message, a lot

for whatever it's worth, from a stranger, your feelings of course are just as important, you are, everything you say. I also think it's very understanding and mature of you to be taking this thoughtful perspective in general and talking about his feelings and your own. It's not simple, it's not open and shut, all that stuff.

One small thing, and I'll go - but. These things are so very core to men, what we are expected to be, how we are expected to behave, that when our libido drops off a cliff, as has happened to me, it's very very hard to know what to do. We have no one to talk to, society mocks us for not being real men, and when porn is available on instant tap from anywhere, and it sometimes goes a distance to scratch an itch, we take it.

No excuses for making you feel how you justifiably feel. At the very least could have hidden it properly and you never knew. Really he should get himself some help, but as I say, thats hard to do, there are a lot of obstacles, societal and personal ones to get over. Not that thats your problem other than that you are married.

Anyway. Hard. and I have waffled.

You've hit the nail on the head here OP. A lot of the time we try to appreciate the other persons point of view, but we don't get that in return and it's sad.

You’d have to watch a hell of a lot of it for adverts to annoy you so much! But each to their own.

Also probably not out of a joint account but I am old school and do think that all money is marital money whatever account it’s held in. You’re both contributing through either a job or home labour so as much as you can have ‘your own money’ to spend monthly I’d think twice about spending it on something that my DP would be upset about. But that’s a different debate for a different thread!

Everyone has a boundary in a relationship and as much as I wouldn’t say that paying for content is cheating, it’s still not ok in my eyes. If you’re single do your thing. Or if you’re both in to watching porn and that’s something you agree on together then again that’s the exception here. If however he is interacting with the women (my understanding is you can message and request) then that is an entirely different line that’s been crossed.

Oh OP, this is so sad 😕
He 100% needs therapy alone and possibly couples therapy.
I do know that there’s a link between porn addiction and ED because they are so used to their privacy, watching their kinks, the tight grip of their own hand and then struggle to become aroused in front of a naked woman because they feel so vulnerable.
Theres a lot of shame around it.
From little experience I have around this, there may have been someone at some point in his life that has made him feel extremely ashamed of this and he just hasn’t overcome it.

In the meantime, if you’re unable to/don’t want to leave him, you will need to see extreme effort from his side.
He needs to find a therapist, schedule the sessions, attend etc.
He needs to be forthcoming with information and honesty.
He needs to find out how he can show you intimacy without sex to rebuild the trust and connection.

Or, he needs to accept he could lose his wife.

I don't disagree, but to be honest I'd be very tempted to pay for porn just to get rid of the damned adverts (Like I do for YouTube), and think it could be argued that paying directly to the producers is much more ethical than a random free video off XHamster.

Thats a sideline however (also, who pays for it out of the joint account?!?!)

Anyway - as I say, as a man, this is not the open and shut it might look. But I shall bow out.

Men with ED can still wank and ejaculate from rubbing themselves without having an erection.

You won't get shot by me, as I do believe that masturbation is very healthy (for both men and women in relationships). To an extent though!

If pornography gets in the way of intimacy with your partner, then there is an issue here that needs to be worked through. If there is however a healthy balance of both then that's a different matter. It looks like OP here has noticed that her DH simply cannot be intimate with her without a blue pill and certainly not on a regular basis, and she is entirely correct in being 1. Unhappy in a sexless marriage and 2. Questioning why her husband is paying for porn.

For a lot of women, ignorance is bliss. You know porn is there, and as long as it's not affecting your own sex life you ignore it. But when you feel the need to pay for content, out of your marital money, that crosses a line that very little women in a relationship would put up with.

Drivel, he knows he can get better free porn. The number of women with these angelic husbands on this site is hilarious.

I'm going to get shot here but, here goes. I'm male. Have been married. Have been in a relationship where I wanted more sex, and in one where I wanted less / had a low libido.

(side note, OF is just like porn hub, the OF part makes no difference, it's just porn)

So, watching porn, and having sex with your partner are not the same, in fact they are really really different. It is entirely possible that you have an appetite for one, but not the other, and that those appetites fluctuate up and down.

Porn is often not about the sexual act, having an orgasm, it's often about excitement and novelty in a controlled, contained situation. Porn is also lot less complicated than real people - to have sex with someone you need to both be in the right place at the right time, not be tired, all sorts of things

Also, porn is addictive, we don't admit that as much as we should. I have been subject to it, to the point where it's blocked on my home network (though of course I can turn tat block off so...)

If you are tired, stressed, exhausted, worried at work/home/family - then porn can scratch a very physical itch, in a small amount of time, when you just can't face, reality, it's all got on top of you.

I am not doing your feelings down. they are real and valid and I don't blame you for feeling as you do. But, as a man, who see's himself in this story you drew, it's not anywhere near as open and shut as you think - aka he has time to wank but not time to sleep with you, thats really not it at all.

This is not cheating, that looks very different.

As always, I think a full and frank, but also fair and not initially blaming conversation would be best, maybe in front of a councillor who can help you navigate through this tricky time.

Yeah I wouldn't either. It's one thing passively watching porn but paying for content / requesting personalised content is too interactive for me.

I hope he comes back to you OP and says he'll delete his account.

But the DH is the one that only wants sex once a month. I agree with your sentiment though, it would be an issue for me.

Are you sure it's women he's following?