Page 4 | Saw dh phone

rufiooooo · 2025-02-06T07:56:17+00:00

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well. I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet. We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

ItGhoul · 07/02/2025 18:05

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 16:32

Another point...

Can someone love you and at the same time have things they don't tell you about?

Surely we all have secrets we don't disclose to our partners and sometimes these are sexual in nature. For me, if my partner was into getting covered in turd, it may well be they wouldn't want to tell me (hopefully!) As long as someone isn't engaging in the act with them, it isn't my business if they watch videos or access OF.

Sometimes I think we all get caught up in the (?) false belief that marriage means we are entitled to every area of our partner's life. Personally I find that unhealthy and controlling. But that's just me. I am extremely liberal in relationships (outside of cheating, do what you want!)

I often wonder if there is a sex difference re viewpoint on these issues.

I also wonder if there's a sex difference re. viewpoint on this @Cheeseburger85. I'm a woman, but often when I see things on Mumsnet where other women are talking about their partners keeping things from them or being 'secretive' I often think it's something that I would also keep 'secret' - although I'd consider it keeping it private rather than secret. Maybe I'm out of step with women in general on this, I'm not sure.

For me, provided there's no interaction with another person, I don't think it's any of my business what my partner chooses to wank over, or if there are fantasies he has that he doesn't want to share. There's plenty of things I've looked at / read / thought about which I haven't shared with him, and I don't see why I should. I honestly just don't think it's his business.

Obviously, in the OP's case, this has become more of an issue because of the wider issues in their sex life and the fact that her partner might have misled her about the reasons for his low libido. So it's different. But I don't especially think someone is obliged to disclose all their kinks and fantasies to their partner, in general.

JessiesJ99 · 07/02/2025 18:04

JessiesJ99 · 07/02/2025 17:52

£14.99 is quite high-end for OF.

So, I imagine it's more hard-core stuff.

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/02/2025 17:59

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:16

The fact that he is on OF and paying other women is disgusting to me. But from my POV I am just heartbroken and so angry that I've put my own needs and feelings on the back burner because I believed he just didn't have the libido. But he clearly does.

Without wanting to drip feed he does have a fetish that he enjoys which I found out about years ago via his search history (porn). Again he hadn't been open with me about it and it's not something we've ever done together. It's nothing dangerous or horrible but it's not something I have any interest in. I don't know what he's been viewing on OF but I'd strongly suspect it's to do with this.

If he was watching porn and getting himself off to this I still wouldn't be happy but OF feels much worse as he's paying for it and potentially interacting with these women.

I’d leave and get your needs met elsewhere just like he is. .

JessiesJ99 · 07/02/2025 17:52

£14.99 is quite high-end for OF.

RebelliousStarrChild · 07/02/2025 17:51

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 17:37

This tends to happen when one gets so focused on me, my and mine.

I prefer not to make everything about me. He has to own his own stuff, and I would suggest his partner needs to own her own reaction to it.

As my favorite monk once said "yes that's his problem to deal with, now let's look at your problem".

Show quote history

Yes because in a relationship it's completely healthy to ignore your own needs and happiness.

She needs to own her reaction? But you're also criticising people who decide to leave because the situation doesn't work for them?

RebelliousStarrChild · 07/02/2025 17:45

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 16:54

What I find astounding is how easily people are willing to give up on the relationship.

When we get marriage it is MEANT to be for life even if it gets awful. Obviously not staying w abusive folk. The fact he has shame enough not to disclose it and has ED is not a justifiable reason for leaving, in my opinion.

It is reflective of western culture that so many people treat getting divorced with such ease.

Men are human beings too and deserve as much compassion and kindness as women and children. If a woman hits a stage where she may not have much of a sex drive, I'd imagine a man saying he'd leave her would be met with gasps of horror on here. And rightfully so. So why the double standard?

Men cheat on and leave their wives every day for a lack of sex. Some do because it's not the type of sex they want even if the sex us regular.

If said woman had a lack of sex drive but was paying for onlyfans behind her husbands back I'm pretty sure the answers would be the same.

If anyone (man or woman), is sitting at home lacking affection, love or sex from their partner while their partner is busy giving their attention to an onlyfans model and wanking in secret over a phone, they should leave them without a backward glance.

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 17:44

rufiooooo · 07/02/2025 17:38

Just to add the kink isn't getting covered in turd!!!!

But the sentiment remains that he hasn't been honest about his preferences or limitations in the early stages of the relationship. I know people put on their best face in the early days but equally I feel like if you know you have issues with sex and are expecting someone to adjust their lifestyle around it it's only fair to say. So that they can make an informed decision about whether or not it's the right relationship for them.

Has it changed over time? One changes and you can't always predict that. Not saying that's the case w you. Thank goodness re turdinator.

2025willbemytime · 07/02/2025 17:44

Having had a husband with similar issues, though he had an affair not an only fans account, and used a childhood experience against me my very clear advice to you is leave. Just leave. I'm having a bit of a thing with someone and turns out all issues were ex h not mine

Original poster

rufiooooo · 07/02/2025 17:38

Just to add the kink isn't getting covered in turd!!!!

But the sentiment remains that he hasn't been honest about his preferences or limitations in the early stages of the relationship. I know people put on their best face in the early days but equally I feel like if you know you have issues with sex and are expecting someone to adjust their lifestyle around it it's only fair to say. So that they can make an informed decision about whether or not it's the right relationship for them.

OP posts:

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 17:37

RebelliousStarrChild · 07/02/2025 17:30

I disagree.
If you are into getting covered in turd and it stays as a thought only, then that is none of my business.
If you decide to join a group around the subject, pay someone to provide you with content and become a regular consumer of the content, then that definitely is my business as your wife. Because I wouldn't want to be with someone who behaves in that way or acts on those interests.

Once ED gets added into the mix it's well past being a personal issue as its now affecting the marriage.

Show quote history

This tends to happen when one gets so focused on me, my and mine.

I prefer not to make everything about me. He has to own his own stuff, and I would suggest his partner needs to own her own reaction to it.

As my favorite monk once said "yes that's his problem to deal with, now let's look at your problem".

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 17:35

RebelliousStarrChild · 07/02/2025 17:34

She's already suffering.
She has other options, it's just up to her when and if she decides to act on them.

Show quote history

People only suffer because of their reaction to a problem, not necessarily the problem itself.

RebelliousStarrChild · 07/02/2025 17:34

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 16:33

If he doesn't change the only option is accepting it as it is. Any other solution leads to suffering.

Show quote history

She's already suffering.
She has other options, it's just up to her when and if she decides to act on them.

RebelliousStarrChild · 07/02/2025 17:30

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 16:32

Another point...

Can someone love you and at the same time have things they don't tell you about?

Surely we all have secrets we don't disclose to our partners and sometimes these are sexual in nature. For me, if my partner was into getting covered in turd, it may well be they wouldn't want to tell me (hopefully!) As long as someone isn't engaging in the act with them, it isn't my business if they watch videos or access OF.

Sometimes I think we all get caught up in the (?) false belief that marriage means we are entitled to every area of our partner's life. Personally I find that unhealthy and controlling. But that's just me. I am extremely liberal in relationships (outside of cheating, do what you want!)

I often wonder if there is a sex difference re viewpoint on these issues.

I disagree.
If you are into getting covered in turd and it stays as a thought only, then that is none of my business.
If you decide to join a group around the subject, pay someone to provide you with content and become a regular consumer of the content, then that definitely is my business as your wife. Because I wouldn't want to be with someone who behaves in that way or acts on those interests.

Once ED gets added into the mix it's well past being a personal issue as its now affecting the marriage.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 07/02/2025 16:59

@Cheeseburger85 it isn't about the lack of physical sex. I accepted that a long time ago. It's the lack of communication. And yes I also believe that being married doesn't automatically entitle you to know everything about your partner. We all have secrets and parts of ourselves we don't want, need to have to share.

But his secrets and shame are causing me distress and pain. He is telling me one thing but then I'm seeing alerts on his phone that suggest another. If there is misunderstanding it's because he has chose to keep these things from me. And yeah I'm not saying if he'd approached me and said 'I'm thinking of subscribing to OF so I can test out my libido' I would have been best pleased. But I've still found out and this way just feels much more hurtful and shady.

OP posts:

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 16:54

What I find astounding is how easily people are willing to give up on the relationship.

When we get marriage it is MEANT to be for life even if it gets awful. Obviously not staying w abusive folk. The fact he has shame enough not to disclose it and has ED is not a justifiable reason for leaving, in my opinion.

It is reflective of western culture that so many people treat getting divorced with such ease.

Men are human beings too and deserve as much compassion and kindness as women and children. If a woman hits a stage where she may not have much of a sex drive, I'd imagine a man saying he'd leave her would be met with gasps of horror on here. And rightfully so. So why the double standard?

PassingStranger · 07/02/2025 16:38

rainbowstardrops · 06/02/2025 08:47

I'd struggle to get past this to be honest because it's basically, a betrayal. Together with his ED, I'd be looking to move on from him because it doesn't sound like a happy relationship.

Ed dosent mean the end, there's viagra etc today.

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 16:33

RebelliousStarrChild · 07/02/2025 12:12

Although it's not simple to leave, if you stay you will have to agree to continue to put your needs on the back burner.
This situation isn't going to improve without him making it a priority and I doubt he will be in a place to do that anytime soon unfortunately.

If you stay, you should consider how to improve your own situation, not just live quietly unhappy with his ways.

Show quote history

If he doesn't change the only option is accepting it as it is. Any other solution leads to suffering.

Cheeseburger85 · 07/02/2025 16:32

Another point...

Can someone love you and at the same time have things they don't tell you about?

Surely we all have secrets we don't disclose to our partners and sometimes these are sexual in nature. For me, if my partner was into getting covered in turd, it may well be they wouldn't want to tell me (hopefully!) As long as someone isn't engaging in the act with them, it isn't my business if they watch videos or access OF.

Sometimes I think we all get caught up in the (?) false belief that marriage means we are entitled to every area of our partner's life. Personally I find that unhealthy and controlling. But that's just me. I am extremely liberal in relationships (outside of cheating, do what you want!)

I often wonder if there is a sex difference re viewpoint on these issues.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 07/02/2025 12:27

It's not just guilt and shame that stops men like this from telling their wives what they are up to. It's also that they do not want you straying too. Some admit as much. That's a huge problem, regardless of what decision you make. If you decide to stay, focus on getting equality for yourself.

RebelliousStarrChild · 07/02/2025 12:12

rufiooooo · 07/02/2025 10:56

@penelopelondon yep I do feel like I've been very much misled. He was never honest about these things. By the time I figured stuff out bit by bit it was too late and I was in too deep. Now with dc, marriage and a mortgage together it is not simple to leave.

I am trying to be sympathetic around the fact that he very clearly does have issues surrounding sex but it's hard to overlook the total lack of transparency and the fact my needs have had to go on the back burner for so long.

I have managed to avoid him most of today and yesterday. I think a frank conversation is needed tonight.

Although it's not simple to leave, if you stay you will have to agree to continue to put your needs on the back burner.
This situation isn't going to improve without him making it a priority and I doubt he will be in a place to do that anytime soon unfortunately.

If you stay, you should consider how to improve your own situation, not just live quietly unhappy with his ways.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 07/02/2025 10:56

@penelopelondon yep I do feel like I've been very much misled. He was never honest about these things. By the time I figured stuff out bit by bit it was too late and I was in too deep. Now with dc, marriage and a mortgage together it is not simple to leave.

I am trying to be sympathetic around the fact that he very clearly does have issues surrounding sex but it's hard to overlook the total lack of transparency and the fact my needs have had to go on the back burner for so long.

I have managed to avoid him most of today and yesterday. I think a frank conversation is needed tonight.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 07/02/2025 10:49

nellythe · 06/02/2025 08:03

Sorry but this would be the end of the road for me.
You are a woman with needs that aren’t being met but you have been understanding and patient as any good spouse would be. To find that he is obviously experiencing sexual urges but preferring to spend money (! Ick!!!) on using those urges on strangers is just sickening.
He’s a liar 🤥

I'd not tolerate that either. Makes me feel 🤮

Bumblebeestiltskin · 07/02/2025 10:11

penelopelondon · 07/02/2025 10:07

How about him being honest and laying his cards on the table when he married her? "Hi honey, I like you but i also like looking at porn and have a very strong foot fetish/cross dressing/into pain"?

He did not, he chose to misled her instead. Deep down he's ashamed of his fetish and ashamed of his sexuality and probably it has something to do with his need for viagra and the hiding away his sexuality from the partner.

Show quote history

Yep, I totally agree!

penelopelondon · 07/02/2025 10:07

Bumblebeestiltskin · 06/02/2025 19:04

You haven't said whether it's a kink or a fetish? Do you know which one it is? As I said earlier, if it's a fetish, and not something you're prepared to be involved in (which is absolutely your decision, I'm not saying you should do anything you don't want to do), then ultimately he's not going to be satisfied with your sex life.

Show quote history

How about him being honest and laying his cards on the table when he married her? "Hi honey, I like you but i also like looking at porn and have a very strong foot fetish/cross dressing/into pain"?

He did not, he chose to misled her instead. Deep down he's ashamed of his fetish and ashamed of his sexuality and probably it has something to do with his need for viagra and the hiding away his sexuality from the partner.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 20:21

@Bumblebeestiltskin I suppose it's a kink. It's not integral to our sex life and he still seems to enjoy the very infrequent times we have sex. But I honestly don't know at this point to be honest.

OP posts: